


Hidden in Steele

by lovetvfan



Category: Remington Steele (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:15:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 60
Words: 127,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23595196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovetvfan/pseuds/lovetvfan
Summary: Takes place where season 5 leaves off. Laura and Steele are left to their own devices trying to figure out where to go with their relationship while Steele grapples with the loss of his father. Tony Roselli is also still in the picture and as promised, does not go quietly. Devastated by a perceived betrayal on Laura's part, Steele attempts to finish Daniel's last mission. Laura follows with the help of Tony resulting in the weirdest road trip ever into the USSR.
Relationships: Laura Holt/Remington Steele
Comments: 84
Kudos: 181





	1. Chapter 1

"In London, a military funeral was held today for the man who spearheaded the exposure- and subsequent capture-of British Intelligence double agent, Sterling Fitch. In gratitude for his heroics, Daniel Chalmers was posthumously knighted."

Laura Holt-Steele sighed as the news anchor summed up the activities of the past few days while the TV emitted a soft glow illuminating the room. Though the Castle was cold, Laura’s thick Irish sweater, and, more importantly, Mr. Steele’s arms, had made her feel warm and cozy. She had allowed herself to lean against him with her head in his lap, simply enjoying the uncomplicated togetherness after a particularly difficult few months.

Though their relationship had never been easy by any stretch of the imagination, the trials they’d recently had to face had been excessive, even by their standards. From Mr. Steele nearly marrying an escort to stay in the country, to their subsequent fake marriage, to Tony, the INS, and inheriting this Castle, Laura was only now starting to feel as if they could finally slow down and catch their breath.

In any other world, the beauty of an Irish Castle would be the perfect place to get their bearings and regroup. Laura had dreamed of such a getaway with just her and Mr. Steele. But things were different now. Her own heart was still playing catch up with the various lies and deceptions they had been part of, both together and separately. And she knew that Mr. Steele was now dealing with his own demons. 

Mr. Steele breathed deeply against her, tightening his arms while the news anchor continued relating the circumstances of Daniel Chalmers’ death. She knew the revelation that Chalmers was his father, had deeply shocked and angered him. Having Daniel pass away just as he appeared to accept that revelation had caused Laura to worry about him more than a little. She knew that under his icy calm demeanor lay a man who was capable of deep, and intense emotion. Laura knew that learning his real name had been one of the most important things to him, and she wasn’t yet sure how he was going to handle the fact that he would never know.

She desperately wished he would open up to her, but knew that his private nature might prevent it, especially given the fact that they hadn’t been as close as they used to be before the fake marriage. Laura didn’t know how to bridge the distance between them, and truth to tell wasn’t sure it was even her job to try. What she did know was that he was probably hurting and that hurt her too. She hated seeing him in any kind of pain, regardless of the state of their relationship.

“In a related ceremony in Moscow, a high ranking KGB official, Sergei Kemadov, was given a hero's burial, for what the Kremlin ambiguously described as 'assorted heroic activities on behalf of the state'." 

Laura felt him shift slightly and then the click of a button sounded, turning the TV off. Clearly, Mr. Steele did not wish to watch any more of the newscast. She didn’t blame him. Processing a loss was difficult under the best of circumstances. She snuggled in closer to him, becoming painfully aware of just how close their bodies were to one another coupled with the fact that the Castle was now virtually empty.

“Only Daniel could end up being buried as a national hero in both London and Moscow,” Laura said, wanting to break the silence, but realizing that she wasn’t sure just how to talk to him about his father’s death. As a default, she resorted to lightheartedness, but she could see behind his calm façade was a real pain. It was a pain he clearly didn’t choose to share with her, which stung slightly, even though she had fully expected it. She wanted to reach out to him, but wasn’t sure how to do so.

“It was the ultimate con,” she heard him agree. “He deserved nothing less.”

Sitting up, she looked at him and saw a flicker of emotion pass over his features. He buried it quickly and smiled at her. She felt her heartbeat quicken as he did so and marveled at his ability to physically affect her so deeply with just a look. What would happen when they truly became intimate? A thrill shot through her body as she contemplated the prospect.

“You’re a good son,” she assured him, placing her hand over his.

He laughed softly and looked away. There was deep regret in his expression.

“I only wish I had more time with him,” he admitted. She knew that for him, revealing any kind of vulnerability was extremely difficult. It gave her hope that things between them were not completely without salvaging. Choosing not to draw attention to it, she spoke rationally, but with great compassion.

“On the other hand, you had twenty years with him.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, tossing the remote and gathering her into his arms. Laura tried not to let the surprise show on her face, nor let him know just how much his touch affected her. She could see that the look on his face was one of contemplation and affection. “Well, one thing’s for certain. I’m not going to waste precious time showing people who are close to me how I feel for them.”

Before she could process those words, he leaned in and kissed her softly, deeply, and with tantalizing slowness.

She knew that was perhaps the closest she would get from him at this time to a declaration of love, and she was surprised to realise it no longer mattered the way it did before. She had seen enough of the dynamic between Mr. Steele and Daniel to know that he, like Daniel, demonstrated love through actions, not words. She knew that he had been deeply affected by his past and that had made it difficult to trust. The fact that he was telling her now that he was no longer going to hide himself from her was enough of a declaration for her.

And it was a revelation for her as well. She had been so hung up on getting him to talk to her, that she had failed to see all the smaller ways he had shown her how he was feeling or what he was thinking. His need for physical closeness spoke volumes now in a way it never had before. Perhaps the way to move forward was not with talk at all, but with action.

Deciding to take the lead, Laura stood up and reached for his hand.

“Care to elaborate, Mr. Steele?” She asked. The tone of her voice and mischief in her gaze must have been enough for him. He caught on, standing up and gathered her into his arms. She could smell the scent of his aftershave. His deep blue eyes were intense despite the playfulness of his own tone.

“Well,” he said, his voice almost husky, “we have the Castle to ourselves…Mrs. Steele.”

He proceeded to carry her towards the stairs and even though her entire body screamed that this was what she wanted more than anything, she hesitated.

“Where are the servants?” She asked, wanting to ensure nothing would disturb them.

“Out celebrating,” he told her. “I decided to give them the Castle.”

“Hmmm, that was generous of your lordship,” she teased, secretly impressed with his ingenuity. She had wondered what he would do about this lemon of a Castle.

“An act of a desperate Lord, I assure you,” was his own rueful reply.

“Where’s Mildred?” She asked as they moved closer to the stairs. Her heart was racing with anticipation, and her hands trembled slightly. 

“I decided to give her Mickeline,” he said with a wink.

“There’s nothing between us and the bedroom door?” She asked, pausing at the base of the stairs. She had difficulty believing that they were finally alone. They had been trying so hard for so long now. Could tonight really be the night they had both been working towards for four long years?

“Uh-uh,” Steele replied only to be interrupted by the shrill sound of a ringing telephone. Laura felt her heart drop. It was always something.

Well, not this time. This time, nothing would keep the two of them apart. Slipping out of his arms, she straightened his collar and made up her mind.

“I’ll get the phone. You turn down the covers.”

Kissing her lightly, he nodded in agreement, and headed up the stairs, pretending to shoot the phone as he did so.

“Hello?” Laura said, hoping the impatience couldn’t be heard in her voice.

“Well,” the unmistakable voice of Tony Roselli said on the other end of the line, “they released me.”

“I never doubted it for a moment,” she replied with a smile, hoping this meant they could truly conclude this little drama once and for all. With Tony’s name cleared, he would go back to his job and she would return to LA with Mr. Steele. They could start over again, but this time with their relationship on far surer footing.

“I still think Steele’s plan was a little risky,” Tony was saying to her. She shook her head and forced her attention to the conversation at hand.

“Kemadov cleared you, didn’t he?” She asked. The last thing she wanted to deal with in relation to Tony Roselli was loose ends. The man had embedded himself far too deeply into her life for her own comfort.

“Laura, listen,” Tony was saying, a different tone in his voice now. She knew that tone. It meant he wasn’t planning to leave their lives as quietly as she had hoped. “What we talked about earlier – still stands.”

He was referring of course to the conversation she’d had with him in which she told him the only reason she couldn’t be with him was that she had to see things through with Mr. Steele. She could understand why he hadn’t taken that as a firm no. It was a rather flimsy excuse and Laura knew that at the time. Clearly, he hadn’t forgotten it either.

“Laura!” She could hear Steele calling from the bedroom. He sounded impatient. Laura felt an odd sense of confinement – as if she was trapped in a tiny room with the walls closing in on her. She knew what she should have said to Tony, but instead of dealing with the situation she did what she always did and attempted to avoid the conversation entirely.

“This really isn’t the best time to discuss that, Tony,” she said hoping he would take the hint and realize there was never a good time to discuss it.

“Laura, I’m not gonna give up on you,” Tony replied doggedly. She felt herself sigh.

“Laura, the bed’s turned down!” Steele yelled from upstairs.

The feeling of panic intensified.

“I have to go,” she said to Tony, “right now.”

“Okay,” Tony continued, “when can I see you?”

“Fluffing up pillows!” Steele called, with a slight edge in his voice.

“Coming!” She called back. “I gotta go, bye!” Laura’s heart raced with adrenaline as she hung up the telephone.

The awkward triangle that had managed to develop in the last few weeks was becoming increasingly complicated. Laura had thought she had solved the problem with Tony, but his words to her during that phone call said otherwise.

She knew she should have made it clear to Tony irrevocably and without question that she was not interested in his advances. She told herself that with all that had happened to them since arriving in Ireland that she just hadn’t had the time.

It was a poor excuse and deep down she knew it. Tony’s phone call had given her the chance to settle things. Instead, she had pretended not to hear him when he had told her he wasn’t about to give up on her. Secretly, she hoped that by ignoring him, he would eventually give up and go away thus solving the problem for her.

It wasn’t as if she had difficulty telling men she wasn’t interested. As a reasonably attractive woman, she had a lot of practice doing just that. And it wasn’t as if Laura wanted to be with Tony over Mr. Steele. Indeed, as she ascended the stairs that lead to the Master bedroom in the Castle, all Laura could think about was just how much she wanted them to finally cross that line. Yet something had held her back a moment ago on the phone and she knew at some point she would have to examine what that was.

But not tonight. Tonight was something that both she and Mr. Steele had been working towards, for four long years. Tonight she would focus only on the man she had come to know as Remington Steele and forget all the difficulties and heartache that had delayed their relationship’s consummation.

Remington met her midway on the stairs. Before he could say anything to her, the shrill ring of the phone sounded off loudly once more, from the bottom of the staircase. Laura hesitated, unsure of what to do. Should she answer it? Unplug it? Ignore it? The phone rang once more as her eyes met his. The look on his face told Laura everything she wanted to know. She would deal with the phone and the man on the other end of it another day. For now, she had no interest in going anywhere but into the bedroom. To that end, she uttered one simple sentence.

“Let it ring.”

She then wrapped her arms around him and leaned into his body for a deep, soul-searching kiss. It was the kind of kiss that woke up every part of her body. It reminded her that she had only ever felt this way with him. 

To say that life had been confusing lately was an understatement. The only time it ever seemed to make any sense to her was when she could feel Mr. Steele’s body against hers, comforting, yet terrifying all at once.

In one swift motion, he lifted her up into his arms and carried her up the remaining stairs and into the spacious, ornate bedroom. Slowly, he lowered her to the ground, his arms still tightly wrapped around her waist, his gaze fixed on her. That breathless feeling that only he could generate overtook her and before she knew it, they were kissing again with a depth of intensity that almost frightened her.

Maybe it was the fact that there was nothing to keep them from taking the final step in their relationship that caused his grip on her waist to tighten almost painfully as they moved towards the bed. Maybe it was the fact that they had both been waiting for this moment for so long. Whatever it was, it caused a thrill of both fear and excitement to run through her entire body as his hands began to roam over her body, tentatively at first, then with increasing urgency.

Laura reached up and flicked the lights off – a habit she had gotten into while in her relationship with Wilson who had preferred to make love in total darkness.

A second later, Remington turned the light back on, his blue eyes dark and unfathomable.

“I want to see you,” was all he said before claiming her lips again in an almost urgent kiss.


	2. Chapter 2

Remington’s physical response to her was immediate and instinctive – as if all of their other difficulties had merely been surface problems. Their bodies knew each other – had known each other for what seemed to be an eternity and that knowing was bone deep. It went beyond words said and promises made.

He was trying to hold back, trying to keep from frightening Laura with everything he was feeling. They had been through so much ever since immigration had forced this fabricated marriage. They still had so many issues they needed to sort out, but right now all he could concentrate on was how much he wanted her, and how desperately he needed her.

It was a terrifying realization for him. He had never needed anybody before, or at least he had managed to tell himself that. All those years he had spent being passed from relative to relative until he finally ended up on the street hustling to survive had hardened his heart in a way he had thought was permanent.

Only a select few people had managed to get past the protective walls he had built around himself and most of them were gone.

Women, for him, had always been there. Willing, warm and enjoyable company but never anything more than that. He’d learned too early how little words meant and how easily promises could be broken by the people you thought you trusted most.

He’d seen it first from the women who were supposed to look after him. The ones who promised to raise him. They would claim they wanted him. They would say that he was there to stay – that they wanted to be a mother to him. And then the cheque would clear from the government, the alcohol or other substances would be purchased for whatever boyfriend happened to be there that week, and if he were very lucky, he would be forgotten. If he were less lucky, he became an errand boy or punching bag.

Then, when it became too obvious to hide from child services, he would be passed on to the next “relative”, who would swear they wanted him as their child, only to repeat the cycle. He tried at first to be whatever it was they needed if only they would keep him.

He would escape to the movies and see all those loving families, and desperately wanted to be good enough to deserve that kind of life. But all he ever knew was that he was a burden and that men lied, and women left.

When he was old enough to take an interest in women, he never allowed himself to trust. When Daniel took him under his wing, he taught him the finer points of seduction with the rule that a woman was to be enjoyed, romanced, and treated like a queen – but never trusted. Steele had lived by that rule.

Even with Anna, a woman he had thought himself to be in love with, he had known deep down that trust was never completely possible. He enjoyed the fantasy for a while, but in the end, the result was the same. She died, or so he had thought, and then upon her return, she had proven herself to be just as unreliable as the rest of them.

Daniel had been right all along.

Daniel, the man who had saved him, taught him, nurtured him and asked nothing in return. Remington wasn’t sure when he had started to look upon Daniel as more than a mentor, but he knew that letting him in was taking a huge risk. So many had let him down in his life, and a con man made a living through deceit.

Yet Daniel never made him any promises. Maybe that was why Remington trusted him above all else. Unlike everyone else, he knew the power of a promise broken and so their relationship was never defined and never guaranteed. Both knew their lifestyle meant the other could disappear at a moment’s notice and they accepted that risk because that was how things were.

When he met Laura, everything changed.

She was nothing like the women he had been with, in the past. The women he knew had been exciting, worldly, and glamorous, but also materialistic, shallow and not very interesting. Oh, they were distracting enough for a while but lacked the ability to hold his attention for long.

Laura had captivated him from the moment he met her. It wasn’t just her natural beauty, though that certainly was part of it. It was her strength, her charisma, her sense of humor, but most of all her stubborn refusal to let the world determine who she was. She saw the challenges society put in front of her, and found a way around them in a way that would have made any con artist proud.

She had created the ultimate lie but paradoxically did so out of a desire to live the most honest life she could. Her strength astounded him, as did her passion and intensity. He had never been so aroused by a woman, both sexually and emotionally.

Deep down, he knew from the moment he decided to stay in LA that he wanted to be with her forever, but his own battered and broken heart refused to let himself believe that it was possible for a woman to want the same.

Ironically, it was Laura’s own hesitancy to believe and trust him, that caused Remington to realize her feelings were as genuine as his were. When Daniel expressed his reservations in Laura, it only made Remington even more determined to make their relationship permanent.

He was hopelessly in love with her. Despite everything in his life that told him not to trust, he trusted her. He needed her.

Why had it taken him so long to see it? Why had it taken the death of Remington’s oldest and dearest friend to make him realize how little time they truly had on this Earth?

Finding out that Daniel had been his actual father had been a huge blow to him. He had been searching for so long for this mythical ideal, only to find out the reality of the situation was another lie – another bond of trust broken. True, Daniel had never made any promises to him, but he had also been the only person who truly knew how badly Remington’s lack of a father had damaged him.

It had been difficult to forgive him, and although he was grateful to have done so before he passed away, he felt profoundly cheated of the life he could have had with him and the knowledge Daniel could have given him.

Laura seemed to sense his loss, and though she hadn’t said much, her presence was enough to keep him standing and to help him get through it without falling apart completely.

The moment his lips met hers, however, a hunger grew inside him, mixed with a deep and gnawing grief.

He hadn’t been lying when he had said he wanted to see her as they made love, but what he didn’t realize is how badly he wanted her to see him – the real him. Not just the con man turned detective or the man she had given a name – but the unwanted child and now, the man who’d just lost his father.

He pressed her against him tightly, almost too tightly for he heard her sharp intake of breath and deepened the kiss pouring all his longing and remorse into it. She responded almost instantly, and with just as much intensity.

Her breathing was light and breathy and he could tell by how she trembled every time his tongue met hers how much she wanted him.

What surprised him was how deeply he wanted, and needed her. That need seemed to come from the very depths of his being. Quickly, almost roughly, he removed his sweater and undid his pants.

Her breath came in heavy pants as she hastily removed all her clothing, revealing the most beautifully sculpted breasts he had ever seen.

He raked his gaze over her, down her smooth curves and towards her perfectly groomed center. He swallowed heavily and let out a deep moan of pleasure as she reached out to him and finished removing his own trousers.

His erection, which had been restrained by the tightness of his boxer briefs burst forward now and he gasped at the feeling of the cold air in the Castle against it. Laura seemed equally as stunned for she stared at him a moment, as if unsure of what to do.

“Laura, you’re….” he tried to form the words that could convey how utterly heart-stoppingly beautiful she was, but they wouldn’t come.

“Not what you’re used to, I’m sure,” she said in a voice that sounded almost regretful. He noticed she was no longer meeting his eyes. He reached out and pulled her towards him, placing the palm of her hand on the base of his erection. Her eyes widened and she trembled slightly but did not remove it. Instead, she gripped him tightly, her eyes never leaving his.

“You are the most beautiful, sensual woman I have ever seen,” he told her, his voice hoarse with emotion and desire. “I…”

He broke off again, unable to control the emotions coursing through him.

“Mr. Steele?” Laura’s voice was curious, almost worried. “Remington?”

She reached up and brought his lips to hers. Immediately, he crushed her to him, needing desperately to feel her body against his, to be reassured that she was solid and warm and alive.

Without even realizing what was happening, he felt the salt of his tears mix into their kiss. Laura pulled back, concern etched all over her beautiful face.

“I’m sorry,” he said to her when he realized what was happening. He wasn’t the sort of man to wear his emotions so visibly. He wore his indifference like an armor, convinced that if he never revealed any emotional weakness, it would never be able to touch him. And yet here it was, having snuck up on him completely unaware and in front of the most important person in the world to him. He wasn’t even sure what he was sorry for, only that the grief was suddenly too much to bear. “Laura, I’m…I’m so sorry, I…”

“Don’t be,” she said almost angrily. “This is my fault. I should have known this was too soon. You just lost him.”

“It’s not too soon,” he whispered. He swiped almost desperately at the tears, as if banishing them would return the previous moment to them. He wasn’t sure how or why, but he knew he needed her tonight more than he had ever needed anything in his life. “Please, I want this. I need this.”

He also knew that he should feel ashamed for what could only be interpreted as begging. In all of their time together, no matter how many times Laura said no to him, he had never let go of his dignity by begging her. He accepted her boundaries and although it was frustrating, he waited until they were both ready. Tonight, dignity didn’t matter. All that mattered was being with her.

He needed to feel her body against his. He needed to bury himself inside her, to feel himself filling her. He needed to forget his pain and loss by making her writhe beneath him in passion. He needed to make her tremble, for her to want him, call out for him. He needed to join with her in the most intimate way two people could.

He needed to know he hadn’t lost her – that whatever difficulties they had been through meant nothing compared to the way they felt about her. After the death of his father, he needed to know she was here, alive and that she wanted him just as much as he wanted her.

He needed it more than he could articulate, and yet despite his attempts to banish them, tears rolled slowly down his cheeks making him more vulnerable than his nakedness ever could.

“I don’t know,” she was saying as she touched his cheek, his chest, his hips with her hands. “It doesn’t feel right.”

Gently, she guided him over towards the bed and they both sat down. Remington tried desperately to gain control over the grief and desire that warred inside of him. He barely noticed as Laura leaned into him and wrapped her arms around his bare chest in a gesture of comfort.

The tenderness in her eyes mixed with worry reminded him all over again just how much he loved her. Never before had he been with someone who genuinely cared for him the way she did. Most of the women he had been with cared only about what he could do for them or how he could make them feel. But not Laura. He could see the empathy in her deep brown eyes.

It was enough to completely undo his earlier attempts at composure. Without even realizing it, he found himself sequeezing her as tightly as she would tolerate and burying his face into her hair, his body shaking with quiet sobs. He had no idea how long they sat there. All he knew was the feel of her skin against his, the gentle way she rubbed his back and her soothing whisper against his chest. It sounded like she was telling him it was going to be ok, but he couldn’t be certain. Eventually, his body felt drained of all emotion and he pulled back and kissed her lightly.

“You loved him so much,” she said softly, tracing her fingers down the lines of his face and chest. His body responded but his heart had stalled the proceedings at least for the moment. All he could think about was how lost he felt.

“He…was my father,” he said, his voice rough with grief. “I don’t know how to do this, Laura. My whole life has been spent trying to find out who I am and where I came from. And now…”

“Now you know,” she said as she placed feathery kisses along his jaw and neck. He pulled her closer, and kissed the top of her head, inhaling the scent of her shampoo.

“I’m an orphan,” he murmured into her hair. “I always thought when I found my father, I would have a place, but…he’s gone. And who am I now?”

“Remington Steele,” he heard her say, her voice a low rumble against his chest. “That’s who you’ve always been to me.”

“Am I?” He sat back and tipped her chin up to look at him. Her deep brown eyes met his. “Things haven’t exactly been right between us. First with the fake marriage and then Tony…”

“All of that is behind us,” Laura assured him. Her voice sounded certain to him, but there was something in her eyes that he couldn’t place. Still, he wanted desperately to believe her.

“Laura, I love you,” he said quietly but with a fierceness that surprised him. It was as if he was trying to force away all of their other problems by sheer willpower. “I know I haven’t told you this. I know it’s what you’ve needed to hear. I don’t know why I couldn’t tell you before. None of it seems to matter now if we could be gone tomorrow. I love you. I need you. I want you.”

“I…” she stood up and took a step away as if trying to collect herself. Instinctively he stood too and took her hand.

“You know I love you too,” she said, though she didn’t meet his gaze. “Should we be doing this now? After everything, maybe we should wait…”

As she spoke, he moved closer and she didn’t stop him. It was as if her words and her body were two different entities. If she wanted to stop him, she didn’t show it. She put her hands up against his chest as if to halt their actions, but all it caused her to do was to caress his chest and her hands to creep down towards his erection, slowly, and with agonizing pleasure.

“Please, touch me” he whispered, his voice ragged as her hands crept lower. He could feel his erection twitch with anticipation. “I need you. I need this.”

And then, as her hands touched him, he found himself completely undone. He grabbed her, far more roughly than he had intended to and turned her around, pressing her up against the wall.

He thrust his tongue into her mouth that mirrored the way he wanted to thrust himself inside her. Though his face was still damp, his pain was now buried underneath a desperate and almost frantic need. She gave a loud moan of ecstasy which only made his need more urgent.

Desperately, fearing she might change her mind, he slid his fingers inside her, only to find she was sopping wet, dripping with need.

It increased his arousal in a way he didn’t even know was possible. He worked his fingers inside her furiously, almost methodically while she stretched her legs opened and cried out repeatedly in pleasure. It was almost as if by increasing her pleasure he could drown the aching grief inside of him. As if by satisfying his body’s demands, he could somehow heal his battered soul.

Her hips began to buck beneath his fingers and her own fingernails raked his back as she threw her head back.

He placed desperate kisses down her neck and to her breasts, kneeling down to finally place his tongue against her clit.

She gasped and gave a loud, hard moan. His own body responded and he wondered if he might come just by hearing her cry out.

“Please,” she begged desperately as he tipped his head up to look at her. Her eyes were half shut and her breath came in deep, labored pants. She had placed her hands against the wall as if to brace herself.

“God, you’re beautiful,” he breathed as he took in her naked form, legs open to him, lip bitten tightly in anticipation.

“Please,” she whimpered again, her hips moving restlessly, telling him where she needed his tongue. It didn’t take any more prompting from him. He felt her jerk as his tongue found her center again and then her hips began to buck against him, desperate for the release only he could provide.

He moved it over and over her, as she cried out louder and louder. He had never been so hard and so incredibly turned on by someone else’s pleasure. He feared he wouldn’t be able to continue much longer without burying himself inside her until she finally exploded with pleasure, crying out his name.

He didn’t even give her a second to recover as he stood up and claimed her a desperate kiss, the salt from his earlier tears mingling with her slickness, still present on his lips.

“I need…I need to be inside you,” he groaned as she pumped his shaft with her hand.

He lifted her up, her legs wrapped around his waist and he sat her down on a small table against the wall. As much as he had wanted to make love to her slowly in the luxurious bed they had, he knew that he wouldn’t last long enough to do so. Desperately, he thrust himself inside her with a satisfied groan.

She gasped as he filled her and bit down hard into his shoulder. So hard, he worried at first he had hurt her so he paused slightly.

Until she began to move against him, whispering in breathy desperate tones, into his ear.

“Harder,” she moaned, “I need you. All of you. Oh God, that’s so good. Harder, please…”

And he complied with her request. He pushed himself into her over and over, trying to block out all the pain and heartache of the last few days, concentrating only on Laura’s pleasure and his desperate need for release.

She was tight and perfect and every thrust dragged a ragged cry from him as he got closer and closer to his climax.

He could feel it coming, could feel her clenching against him, her hands digging deeply into his buttocks as he thrust desperately, fast and furious now with no thought of finesse.

“I’m coming,” she cried as her legs squeezed him tighter shaking and trembling.

“Oh God, oh yes,” he growled into her ear as he felt himself explode within her.

As they both came down, they moved slowly to the bed where Laura climbed in first. It was then, that he realized he couldn’t hold back anything from this woman.

Sliding into bed next to her, she opened her arms to him, and he silently accepted the invitation. She pulled him close and he buried his head in her breasts as he wept gently, allowing the pain, grief, and love to overcome him all at once.


	3. Chapter 3

Laura had never slept so well in her entire life. Though the Castle was still extremely cold and drafty, Mr. Steele’s arms wrapped around her felt warm and comforting. His breath rose and fell in time with hers, and his body pressed against her, skin to skin.

As she opened her eyes, contentment washed over her. This was exactly how she had always hoped waking up with him would feel like. He was solid and warm but also vitally alive. She breathed in deeply, inhaling the scent of his body and reveling in the way it felt wrapped tightly around hers.

As her senses slowly returned to her, so did the memory of the evening before. She had imagined so many times what their first time together would be like. She had envisioned him as a slow, attentive lover – a man who took his time, but was also capable of deep passion. She’d assumed it would have taken place in his apartment, in front of the fire. He would cook her an incredible dinner and after a few glasses of wine, chosen specially for the occasion, he would slowly undress her and the two of them would spend hours exploring one another.

Laura spent many a frustrating night alone in her loft, thinking of what it would feel like to be touched, kissed and caressed by him.

The night before had been nothing like what she had imagined. Instead of slow, measured lovemaking, they had engaged in something far more rough and animalistic. They had come at each other desperately and with an intense need that Laura had never felt before. It was an eye-opening experience in so many ways. After four long years, she felt she might finally be getting to know the man behind the façade.

She’d had glimpses of who he really was every now and then, but he still kept a large part of himself guarded and hidden away from everyone. The fact that he had resorted to marrying a call girl instead of telling her about his problems with immigration was proof of that. Even now, thinking about that deception hurt her in a way nothing else ever had. If he had just simply asked her – really asked her, she would have married him for real. She hadn’t told him that, mainly because her pride had been wounded so badly, but she would have done anything to keep him close.

That action alone had told her everything she had needed to know – that despite all their progress, he still kept a large part of himself closed off and unknowable. It hurt. It hurt Laura too much to think about, and so she pushed it away, telling herself it didn’t matter because, at the end of the day, he did it because he wanted to stay.

But it did matter. More than anything else, she wanted to know him – fully and completely and without reservation. Last night, she came closer than she ever had before. Their lovemaking might not have been the fantasy in front of a fireplace she had imagined, but it had been real – _he_ had been real. The revelation that Daniel was his father and his subsequent death, had changed him. For once, he had allowed Laura to see just how vulnerable that loss had made him.

She had seen him hurting before. She had seen him feel real empathy, anger, and fear, but never had she seen him so broken…so open. It was humbling and also terrifying. He’d told her he loved her, but with that revelation came the realization that she was responsible for something far greater. She had held back with him up until now because she felt it was necessary to safeguard her own heart.

By telling her how he felt last night in a moment of genuine pain, he gave her the task of safeguarding his heart as well. If they were going to be together – truly together, she would be responsible for his happiness, and also his heartache. It was no longer just about her, but about the two of them and it was something Laura had never understood before – not with Wilson or anybody else she had thought she loved.

They could tear each other apart and that was a powerful and terrifying feeling.

Slowly, so as not to wake him, she lifted his arm off her and rolled over to face him. He grumbled slightly, but didn’t awaken. Gently, she reached over and traced the hard line of his jaw with the tip of her finger, marveling at how beautiful he appeared to her as he slept. There was no denying the deep and life changing love she felt for this man. How had it taken this long for them to get to this place? And now that they were here, how could she ensure that they never had to leave?

For the next few moments, she lay there, touching him slowly, gently with her fingers and then her hands. She caressed the planes of his face, neck, and shoulders while his chest rose and fell rhythmically. He seemed so peaceful now – a peace at odds with the torment he had felt the night before.

Eventually, she watched as his eyes fluttered open, roused by her gentle ministrations as well as the crisp morning air of Ashford Castle.

The moment his eyes met hers, he gave her a soft, almost embarrassed smile.

“Good morning, Mr. Steele,” she said, feeling that the words were deeply inadequate after everything that had happened the night before.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear you say that,” he murmured, reaching out to brush a piece of stray hair from her face.

Laura was suddenly aware of just how bright the room was in the morning. Her tangled hair, and lack of makeup – or any clothing at all for that matter – had her feeling suddenly very self conscious. Despite the fact that he had seen her at her very worst the day they pretended to get married on that fishing boat, she couldn’t help but worry about what he might think of how she looks first thing in the morning. Would he want to wake up to the sight of her every morning? Did her breath smell? Was her hair a complete mess?

She looked away, feeling a flush creep up her cheeks, despite her best efforts.

“Laura, don’t do that,” he said, clearly sensing her discomfort. Reaching out, he cupped her face in his hands, and drew her even closer to him. She was forced to make eye contact once more.

“Do what?” She replied, her voice slightly breathless. She could feel his morning arousal press against her and her own body reacted to it immediately.

“Don’t look away.” His eyes had darkened as soon as their bodies had pressed together, and his hand had begun a journey of their own down her face and neck and towards the lower part of her abdomen. She sucked in a breath, her entire body humming with need as his hands awakened every inch of her.

“I’m sorry, it’s habit,” she replied with an embarrassed laugh. “Wilson always said I looked like death warmed over in the morning. I guess I just forgot that spending the night together inevitably meant waking up together as well.”

“Wilson,” Mr. Steele said, as his hands began to gently stroke her lower back and buttocks, “was a fool.”

Before she could respond to his declaration he dipped his head towards hers for an electrifying kiss. The heat between her legs was becoming more and more intense as he deepend the kiss and teased her with his hands. She could feel his erection poised against her entrance and her legs opened up to him as if they had a mind of their own.

She was slick and ready as he pushed himself inside, a soft groan escaping him as he did so.

She gave a small gasp as he filled her, and for a few moments they lay there together, connected but unmoving.

“You look incredible,” he finally told her as Laura eventually began to move her hips back and forth slowly, gently, pressing herself back down against his length with an unhurried but unbelievably sensual pace.

“And you,” she panted as his thrusts began to pick up, “feel so good.”

“I feel like I’ve waited a lifetime for this,” he said, his voice deep and husky with desire. Laura had linked her leg around his now and was arching backward, trying to take him as deeply as she possibly could.

He sensed her urgency and rolled onto his back, pulling her on top of him.

This was the last place she thought she would find herself first thing in the morning and though her instinct was to think of all the ways she might possibly look unappealing to him, the look of white-hot lust in his eyes told her those fears were unfounded.

Placing her hands against his chest, she began to ride him, taking him as deeply inside her as she could manage. Every time she sank down onto his length she cried out in pleasure.

Reaching up, he cupped her breasts and then moved his hands over her taut nipples down to her hips, urging her to ride him faster.

She resisted the urge, despite every part of her body wanting to slam herself into him until her release. Last night had been fast and frantic. She wanted this to last.

The look in Mr. Steele’s eyes as they moved together was one of equal parts desire and deep emotion. Although her movements were slow, the way he tugged at her hips told him she had a profound effect.

She knew that he was close, and despite how sore she was from the night before, she knew her own release wasn’t far away.

Making eye contact with him, she was suddenly floored by the depth of emotion in his eyes.

“Laura,” he ground out through gritted teeth. “I need you.”

It was all the encouragement she needed. Speeding her hips up, she rode him until she could feel herself clench around him and his own body respond in kind.


	4. Chapter 4

It took her a moment to recover herself. Once she did, she slid off of him and settled into the crook of his shoulder, her head resting comfortably on his chest.

She marveled at how instinctively they seemed to fit together. Gently he began to toy with her hair as they both attempted to collect their thoughts.

Finally, she broke the silence, by voicing something that had been weighing on her mind.

“I…I’m not sure what to call you,” she admitted. “In moments like this, I mean. Mr. Steele seems too formal.”

“I wish I had a name to give you,” he replied quietly. “There are a lot of things I wish when it comes to who my father was. Not finding out my real name before he died is at the top of that list. What…”

He trailed off, as if unsure of whether he should continue.

“What would you like to call me?”

“Well,” she said slowly, taking the time to think about it. “You seem to call me Laura in private and Miss Holt in public. I guess now that would be Mrs. Steele, but the idea remains the same. If we are ever going to find some kind of workable balance between the office and the bedroom, I suppose I would have to go with Mr. Steele in public, and Remington in private. Unless you have any objections.”

“None whatsoever,” he replied warmly. “There’s no one else I would rather be, than Remington Steele.”

“I guess…” she hesitated again. “I guess it’s probably a pretty big disappointment. Knowing you’ll never know I mean.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, Laura,” he assured her. “It’s not a consolation prize. Truth be told, I much prefer the man I am now to the angry young man I was when Daniel found me on the streets.”

“I just wish I could give you more than a fake name on a phony passport,” she murmured, gently kissing his chest.

“Are you kidding?” He sat up, suddenly and placed his palm against her cheek. His eyes were deep pools of emotion. She could get so lost, she might never be found if she wasn’t careful. “You’ve given me everything. When I met you, I was lost. It might seem like my life was exciting, but drifting from place to place, never putting down roots or having a home….it was so _very_ lonely. You gave me a name, a life, a reason to get up in the morning and most of all – you. I love you. That alone is worth more than any priceless painting or finder’s fee. Don’t you know that?”

“I….” she swallowed hard, trying to keep the tears at back. What could she say to that? How could she put into words how much she had needed to hear that? “I love you.”

It was all she could think to say, but from the look on his face, it was enough. He pulled her close to him, and held her tightly against him, kissing her gently on the top of her head.

“About last night….”

He cleared his throat.

“I just want you to know that it’s not always like that.” Unsure what to say to that, Mr. Steele continued to explain himself. “I mean, I’m not always…”

He ran a hand through his hair and over his face, clearly frustrated with his inability to articulate what he was feeling.

Laura took his hand and gave it a comforting squeeze. She wasn’t used to seeing him attempt to verbalize how he was feeling and she didn’t want to interrupt, lest he stop trying altogether.

He sighed.

“You know I have difficulty opening up. I’m not used to telling people how I feel, or trusting them not to hold those feelings against me. Last night I was really hurting. I’m still hurting. I don’t know how this is going to play out for me, but I know that I would not be half as composed this morning if it hadn’t been for you. I needed you, and you were there. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t more than a little embarrassed by breaking down like that, but…”

“Please don’t be,” Laura interrupted. “Grief isn’t a logical process. It’s going to take time.”

“I just want you to know that being together…physically, I mean. It won’t always be like that. I know I might have disappointed you last night. After all this time, I have no doubt you imagined something far more romantic. I was upset…I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

“Don’t you dare,” Laura said fiercely, taking his face into her hands. His blue eyes met hers with surprise. “We have our entire lives to make love in every way possible. I don’t need flowers and romance. Last night you needed something, and for the first time I felt like I actually saw you…the real you. That’s worth everything.”

“Our whole lives, huh?” He reached out and gathered her into his lap. She looped her arms around his neck and kissed him softly.

“Slip of the tongue,” she murmured, allowing herself to be drawn in for another slow, luxurious kiss.

“Was it?” He asked, unable to keep the anxiety out of his voice. They had yet to have an actual conversation about what form their relationship was going to take going forward. Although he knew deep down inside that the only place he ever wanted to be was by her side, part of him was still reluctant to put a name to it. He wasn’t sure why, but there was a nagging uncertainty in the back of his mind, that, despite their steps forward, there was still something very important that they had to deal with. “I realize we haven’t talked about what happens when we get back to Los Angeles.”

“Is this a conversation we want to have right now?” Laura asked, shaking her head and clearing the fog from his kisses. She needed to be fully present for this.

“Haven’t we waited four years for this?” He countered in return.

Laura wasn’t sure what to say. She knew he was right, but at the same time, so much had happened recently that she wasn’t sure their fragile relationship could survive the slightest push backward or forward. She felt like they were balanced at the top of a precipice and a nudge one way or another could ruin what they had taken so long to build.

She also knew that he was in a difficult place and she didn’t want to add any pressure to whatever he was going through.

“I think we have all the time in the world to have this conversation,” she said finally. “I know I’m the one usually pushing us to talk, to define, to figure out whatever…this is. But this place? Ireland…Ashford Castle…this isn’t us. It’s not our lives. Our lives are back home in LA. Our lives are at the agency with Mildred at the helm. Why don’t we table this until then, OK?”

“Are you certain?” He asked her, clearly a little surprised at the apparent change of heart. He wasn’t used to this ‘live in the moment’ Laura, although he knew she used to be an integral part of who she was.

“I think we shouldn’t make any major decisions about our lives right now,” she said with a nod. 

“How about some breakfast, then eh?” He said after a few moments of companionable silence. “As far as decisions go, that one is fairly minor. I imagine the servants are probably back. I’m surprised one of them hasn’t come knocking on the door by now, trying their best to be annoyingly accommodating.”

“Perhaps Mildred is keeping them away to allow us some privacy,” Laura suggested. “I think she knows more than she lets on sometimes.”

“Yes, our wonderful Miss Krebbs is a credit to discretion sometimes,” Steele agreed with a small smile. “Much as I hate to say this, if we are going downstairs we will need to get dressed.”

“Don’t want to start a nudist colony at breakfast then?” Laura teased. She was loving the easy way they appeared to slip back into their old banter despite their newfound intimacy.

“Believe me, Laura, there is nothing I would love to see more than you ‘au naturel’ for all occasions, however, modesty must prevail I think.”

He stood up and she watched as he opened the closet and pulled out a distressed pair of blue jeans and another thick sweater similar to the one he had on last night. As much as Laura loved seeing him in perfectly tailored suits, she had to admit there was a rough sexiness to him in a pair of jeans and a sweater that caused her to think maybe suits were overrated. She also couldn’t help but notice a very prominent circular scar on his back. It was about the size of a dime and sat just above his tailbone. She wanted to ask him about it, but something told her to wait.

As she reluctantly padded over to pick out her own clothes, his voice cut into her thoughts. He sounded hesitant and a little unsure – as if he didn’t know whether he should speak at all.

“We haven’t talked about…when we’re going back to LA,” he said finally.

“No, we haven’t,” Laura replied, “but I assumed with the Castle being handed over to the servants and Daniel…Is there anything keeping us here? I know immigration will want to see us getting on with our lives.”

“I…don’t know,” he admitted. “Part of me wants to get on a plane as soon as possible so we can go back to LA and behave as if nothing has changed, but it has. I have a father now, Laura. After all this time, I know who he is….who he was.”

He sighed and walked over to the window, staring out over the grounds of the Castle. Ireland was more than just the place he was born. It was a part of him in a way he was only starting to realize now. He’d gone through more in one lifetime than any child should have to, and he had run away. He had been back a few times, but had never felt a connection to the land the way he did now. It was as if he was rediscovering a part of himself he had long since buried away.

“Mr. St…Remington?” Her voice was tentative, as if she wasn’t sure if she should break through his thoughts. He could hear her as she padded up behind him and slipped her arms around his waist. That small gesture of support gave him the encouragement to continue.

“I left Ireland when I was around ten years old.”

“Around ten?” Laura questioned.

“I’m not really sure if that’s how old I was,” he admitted. “So many people have lied to me, that I have no idea what is true and what isn’t. I left, and I went to London in the hopes of finding something better. Daniel found me a few years later and the rest is history.”

He laughed and shook his head as if he were seeing it play out in real time in his mind.

“For so many years I refused to come back here. I didn’t ask any questions or try to find out the truth of my past. Even when I did go back to try to find my name two years ago, there was a part of me that didn’t really want to know it. I did it for you…for us. Not for me.”

“I’m sorry you felt you had to do that,” Laura said quietly. She was suddenly realizing just how difficult it had been for him to dig into his past, not just then, but any time she had asked.

“There are a lot of questions I have never asked, because I didn’t want to know the answers, and every time you asked, or prodded about my past…I dug in.” Steele continued as if reading her mind. “Do you remember that night when we were trapped in the Devil’s Playground? We’d fought earlier about the fact that I had attempted to manipulate you into yet another romantic entanglement without simply talking to you about it first. I knew you wanted me to reveal something to you – anything about who I was or where I came from. But I wasn’t ready. And when I tried to tell you something…I resorted back to my usual embellishments and half-truths.”

“Dublin, the city rife with unrest?” Laura remembered with a small chuckle. She had known back then that he was feeding her a line. She never considered the idea that he might be at least attempting to be truthful.

“Trouble to the North, trouble to the South,” he replied, also laughing. “There was one part of it that was true.”

“What’s that?”

“I grew up in Dublin.” He put his hands in his pockets and took a deep breath. “I don’t know if that’s where I was born, or if I was moved there. I don’t know anything, really. And I was embarrassed about that. I liked being the mystery man. I liked the fact that I intrigued and fascinated you. I didn’t want you to know that I had no idea where I came from. That night I tried to tell you about my earliest memories in Dublin, but I failed. I wasn’t ready.”

“Are you ready now?” Laura hated how nervous she sounded. Part of her wanted him to say yes. If he was ready to find out his past, then they could maybe one day be ready to start a future – a real future without lies to immigration and elaborate Irish Castles. But she wasn’t sure what form that would take.

“I think so,” he said. Turning around to face her, he drew her in for a long but excruciatingly tender kiss. “I need to know what happened. I need to know if Daniel was telling me the truth, or if that was just another one of his cons. I don’t care about my name, but I do care about finding out who I am. I need to know.”

“I take it that means you want to stay in Ireland a bit longer?”

“I think so,” he replied. “And I know that it’s unfair to ask you to remain here with me. We’ve already left the agency unattended to for far too long.”

“The agency will be just fine for a little while longer,” Laura reassured him. “And if we need to, we can always send Mildred back. She can handle small day to day cases until we return.”

“We?” He couldn’t help but sound hopeful as he looked into her warm brown eyes. Why had he been so afraid of trusting her?

“We’re partners,” Laura said simply. “Where you go, I go.”

Steele nodded and tried to swallow the emotion he could feel deep down inside. For the first time in his life, he didn’t feel alone. It was a powerful feeling. He wanted to hold onto it as long as he could.

“Well, where I really want to go, is breakfast,” he said, clearing his throat and trying to inject a bit of levity. “Let’s go see where everyone is.”

“After you, your Lordship,” Laura teased.

Steele headed towards the bedroom door and paused just before opening it. Laura watched him curiously.

“Who was on the phone last night, by the way?”

“I’m sorry?” Laura couldn’t help but keep the surprise out of her voice. She hadn’t seen this change of topic coming.

“Last night, before we…erm…” he trailed off. “The phone rang. You answered it once, then said let it ring. Who was on the other end of the line?”

“Oh! It was, uh, a wrong number.” Laura replied, not making eye contact. She wasn’t sure why she didn’t just tell him. She could have easily just said it was Tony calling to let them know that Steele had helped him to clear him, but for some reason she felt unable to even say his name out loud.

Everything was going so well between them, that she felt if she even mentioned Tony, reality would set in and everything would crumble to dust at her feet.

So she lied.

It seemed as if he accepted her answer, because he smiled, wrapped an arm around her and led her downstairs.

“Once we are done breakfast, I thought we might go to Dublin,” he suggested.

“Sure,” Laura said, her own mind suddenly awash with confusion and only half paying attention. “Sounds good.”


	5. Chapter 5

The drive to Dublin was beautiful and picturesque. Laura wanted to enjoy the scenery and the company, but her mind remained anxious and fixated on things unsaid. She tried a dozen different times to bring up the phone call from Tony, but the words she wanted to say would not make it past her lips.

Remington had been equally quiet. Laura wasn’t sure if it was because he was content to watch the rolling hills pass by, or if it was because he was in his own world, chasing ghosts she couldn’t see.

More than once, he would reach out, take her hand and give it a squeeze and then return it to the steering wheel.

He watched her out of the corner of her eye, wondering what was going on inside her head. They had said so much to each other, both this morning and last night, and yet it still felt that they had said so little.

It always seemed like no matter how close they got, one of them was always holding something back. He had bared his entire soul to her, and even though he felt closer to her than he ever had, there was still a part of her that was absent.

As the countryside turned into city streets, he thought about their destination. He had never in a million years throught he would ever return, much less bring Laura with him. And now, here they were, winding the small rental car through the various tiny streets and closes of Dublin, into a part of the city that very few people would willingly venture into, searching for a placec he’d thought he had purged from his life long ago.

Laura had remained silent, even as he parked the car along a sketchy looking side street and opened her door.

“We have to walk the rest of the way,” he told her, more than slightly embarrassed. “I can’t risk taking the rental any further into this neighbourhood.”

Laura barely even flinched at the squalid surroundings. It was one of the things that impressed him most about her. Whether she was in a ballroom or a dimly lit alley way, Laura Holt never seemed out of place. She took her surroundings in stride and adapted to whatever situation she found herself in. It was what made her such a good private investigator.

As they walked, he let out a small chuckle.

“What’s so funny?” She wondered.

“I just…this is the last place I ever thought I would take you,” he said wryly. “I spent so much time trying to romance you in fancy and exotic locations. It was all I ever knew how to do. And it worked on everyone else, but you? You, I take into the slums apparently.”

“Well, you do own a Castle,” Laura said, her voice teasing and playful. “I only fall in love with men who have Castles.”

“Just to warn you, Laura, the place we are going to is far from a Castle,” he said, his tone becoming more serious. “I’m not even sure it will still be here. It should have been knocked down twenty years ago, but nothing ever gets done in this neighbourhood.”

“We have to start somewhere, right?” She took his hand and locked the fingers together as they passed through yet another abandoned alley way. Some of the houses on these streets looked as if they would fall down before they were torn down. Homeless people approached from almost every angle and Laura couldn’t help but clutch her purse a little bit tighter and wish she had worn something that made her look less like a middle class American on vacation.

Steele, on the other hand, looked right at home. Despite the fact that his sweater and jeans had clearly been purchased at one of the most upscale department stores in LA, he looked like he belonged here. It was something about the way he moved, the way he carried himself and the expression on his face. There was a darkness that lay just below the surface and although she had always known it was there, it was a bit of a shock to see it so naked in his expressions and movement.

He hid it most of the time in LA – buried it deeply under expensive tailoring, and overly embellished language, but here in the heart of Dublin she felt she might finally be seeing the part of him that he had long kept hidden from the world.

It was a sobering thought and one she didn’t have time to dwell on as she watched him finally stop walking and point towards a dilapidated row house with boarded windows and a crumbling roof.

“That’s it,” he told her with a shuddered sigh.

“Where are we, Remington?” It was a broad question because she wasn’t entirely sure what she was asking. When he proposed this daytrip, he hadn’t told her where he wanted to go or what they would be seeing. Even now, she had no idea what sort of significance this building held to him, save for the fact that it was the first place he wanted to go.

“That,” he said, pointing to the house, “is the first home I remember. When I stretch back to my earliest memories, I come back here. I don’t know where I was born, or how I got here, but if I am going to look into my past, this is the only place I can think to start.”

With that statement, he started to walk slowly towards the house. It was clear that it had been abandoned some time ago, though Laura could see evidence that various squatters and homeless people had taken up residence from time to time. It appeared to be empty now, yet he hesitated when they reached the door.

“As much as I would like to go inside, I don’t think it’s structurally sound,” he said by way of explanation. Instead, he ran a hand gently along the windowsill, lost in his own thoughts. Laura watched him, content to wait for him to speak on his own time.

Eventually, he looked up and gave an almost sad smile.

“I, uh…I don’t know what to say,” he told her finally. “I had this grand plan of coming here, of you and I doing what we do best, and using the clues and my memory to delve into my past and find out who I am. But now that we’re here…”

“What?” She asked, searching his face for any kind of indication of what he might be thinking or feeling. He was closed off and unreadable – a huge contrast from the man she had woken up to – had made love to. What had happened in this house?

“I don’t see the point.” He said finally. “I know I said I wanted to find out where I came from, but looking back at this place…I don’t know how revisiting any of this will help me figure out who I am. It feels like a lifetime ago.”

“You wanted to know if Daniel was telling you the truth,” Laura reminded him softly. “Maybe doing so will help you find closure.”

She desperately wanted to tell him that she had discovered that Daniel was Steele’s father and urged him to come clean to him, but she held back. She hadn’t mentioned to Steele that she had known the truth a day before he had, or that she had kept it from him. Somehow she felt that he wouldn’t react well to that knowledge and his emotions were fragile right now as it was.

She had hated keeping it from him. It had felt like a very intimate betrayal and yet she had firmly believed that if they were to have any relationship before he died, Daniel needed to be the one to tell him. It was why she had tried so desperately to convince Daniel to tell him willingly, and thankfully he had, before his death. Still, she feared that he might hold that extra day against her. What might he have been able to learn if he had known just that much sooner? Would he have forgiven Daniel at all if the revelation had come from her mouth instead of his?

“Closure for what?” He said a little more sharply than he had intended. “Daniel is dead. And nothing I learn here is going to change that. I won’t find any truth about him here, any more than I would have when he was alive. In fact, whose to say he was even telling the truth about being my father? He was a con man, Laura, just like me. Maybe it was all part of whatever scheme he was working on before he died.”

“As far as we know, the only scheme he was working on was helping that woman Marissa Peters find her father and get him back home,” Laura reminded him, trying not to take the flash of anger in his eyes personally. This place had clearly brought up a memory in him that he was fighting to suppress and she knew she needed to tread carefully.

“That’s precisely what I mean! Why would he do that?” Steele exclaimed, throwing his hands up in frustration. “Who was that woman? Why did Daniel feel the need to spend the last few months of his life helping her? I’ve known him for twenty years, Laura, and that man didn’t have an altruistic bone in his body. Everything he did had an angle.”

“Is that really what you believe?” She asked, gently.

“You met the man,” Steele scoffed back. “Isn’t that what _you_ believe?”

“I thought I did,” Laura admitted. Taking his hand once more she started to walk down to the end of the sidewalk. They began to slowly circle the house. Laura was aware that if they stayed too long they might draw too much attention from people they didn’t want to draw attention from, but she found herself unable to walk away just yet.

“Look, I’ve never made it a secret that I didn’t care for Daniel. The first time he came into my life, he attempted to seduce my mother, for God’s sake! But…in the last few days he lived, I could see a truth in him that I hadn’t seen before. He cared about you. He cared about you as a father would care for a son. I don’t know the details of how you met, or how he gained your trust, but I imagine if this house is any indication of your early years that it was no small feat that he did so. You say he wasn’t altruistic, but he took a young kid off the streets and cared for him. Why would he do that?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted, running his hand through his hair in frustration.“I miss him. I don’t know if he was lying about being my father or not. I don’t know if I want to find out the truth. I do know that I lost a teacher, a mentor and a very dear friend. And it hurts.”

“Why don’t we start small?” She suggested. “We don’t have to shine a light on everything in your past. But since we are here, why don’t we take it one step at a time. Starting with this house.”


	6. Chapter 6

Remington drew a long, deep, shuddering breath. He had never in a million years thought that he would find himself standing in front of his house with Laura. Never had he imagined himself opening up to her as much as he had. Not even Daniel had known the true extent of what he had gone through before he had met him. Steele had guarded those hurts carefully, convinced that to expose another person to them was to expose too much of himself and he had already made that mistake far too many times in his life.

But something had changed between them. The truth of his past used to feel like something he needed to hide in order to maintain the image he had carefully crafted over the years. It was something he used to protect himself with.

Now it felt like a burden he no longer felt he could carry. He was tired, and weary to the very core. He no longer had it in him to fight or to hide, or to hold back.

A small voice inside cautioned him that it was a mistake to give away too much – that so much of their problems between them had yet to be solved, and yet he felt if he didn’t tell her this now, he might never do so.

 _Start small,_ he thought to himself. _Start here…with this house._

“As I told you, this is the first house I have any real memories of.” She squeezed his hand in a gesture meant to convey comfort and security.

“How old were you?” She asked.

“About four, I think,” he replied, searching his mind for anything that might corroborate his statement. “Daniel said that when my mother died, I was put up for adoption. It was very common for unwed mothers to be placed in care homes to have the child, and the child taken from them after the fact. It’s probable that even if she had lived, I would have been taken into care because of her marital status.”

“Then, how did you come to be here?” Laura wondered. Despite the distance that had grown between them Steele could hear the edge in her voice that she tried so hard to hide. The Laura Holt he knew would be furious over the injustice of a loving mother having her child taken by the state for no other crime than the fact she was unwed.

“I’m not sure,” he admitted. “Again, I don’t even know if Daniel was telling the truth. If we go on the assumption that he was, even he might not have known what really happened to me.”

“If we assume he at least knew you were put up for adoption, is it possible that the people who lived here tried to adopt you?”

“Very possible,” Steele replied with a short nod. “It was also common back then for the government to offer a subsidy for any foster parents willing to take a child from the care home. If they seemed willing, they tended to turn a blind eye when it came to how suitable the home was. As long as they were married, the Church deemed them fit.”

He laughed bitterly as he spoke, thinking of all the families that had taken him in, who had let him go hungry or worse. Though Ireland was a deeply religious country, Steele had no use for any kind of religion or system that routinely put their own idealogy ahead of the welfare of children.

“Go on,” Laura said so softly he barely heard her.

“I remember being sat down in a room. I remember a woman telling me that I was being sent to live with my Aunt and Uncle, Colleen and Ryan O’Neill. I think deep down even then I knew they weren’t related to me, but I desperately wanted to believe they were. Again, I don’t have too many concrete memories, but I remember feeling incredibly lonely.”

He shook his head to try to clear the tears that threatened. The memories that lay dormant on the surface carried a suprising amount of emotion with them.

“When the couple picked me up, I knew something wasn’t right. I remember getting back to the house – this house – and feeling anxious.”

“You were so young,” she murmured in response. He nodded, but something behind his eyes made her scared to hear the rest.

“I remember them telling me my new name. It was ‘Uncle’ Ryan who did. He took me aside and told me I was to be called Conor from now on…that I was to answer to that name, and that name only. I can see it so vividly. He then told me to go into the kitchen and to say to my ‘Aunt’ Colleen ‘here I am, Ma. It’s me, Conor.’”

“I thought they told you they were your Aunt and Uncle,” Laura interrupted. “Why would he want you to call her ‘Ma’?”

“I don’t know,” he replied simply. “But when you’re four years old and desperate to be loved…I did what he told me to do. And as soon as I did, she flew into a rage. She grabbed a wooden spoon and beat me with it again and again. I panicked and crouched down on the floor, covering myself as best as I could. When she was finished, she picked me up, and held me so tightly I thought I was going to stop breathing. She kissed me over and over, and then she put me down. I watched as her eyes glazed over. It was almost as if she forgot my entire existence. And, as if nothing had happened, she returned to her baking.”

“My God,” Laura breathed, trying to block the image of the man before her being treated so cruelly as a defenseless child. Steele continued, lost in his own world.

“I went back and told my ‘Uncle’ what had happened. He nodded, as if he had expected it and kneeled down in front of me. When he took my hands, he said ‘listen son, ye have to do what ye’re told here. Ye have to be Conor O’Neill, do ye understand me?’ I didn’t, of course.” Steele continued with a grimace. “I didn’t understand a bloody word, he meant, but I did understand the consequences. I knew that somehow I would have to play the role of this child that they wanted me to play. I had no idea how to do it, but I resolved that somehow I would find a way to be whatever they needed me to be.”

“And did you?” Laura whispered, almost afraid to hear the answer.

“No,” he replied with a sad shake of his head. “Some days it felt like I did. There were days in which I felt I might actually be cared for…that I might be loved. And then I would see their eyes glaze over. I would see that haunted look and their faces so full of rage. It could happen when I made even the slightest mistake. I would say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing. I would accidentally step out of the character they wanted me to play. Eventually it became too much. A neighbor stepped in and said she could find somewhere else for me to go. The two of them agreed and just like that I was moved to a home with new ‘relatives’. My name was changed so they could receive their government compensation, and the cycle began anew.”

“I’m…I’m so sorry, Remington,” Laura said after a long moment of silence. “I can’t even imagined what that must have been like for you.” She felt she would need much more time to process what he had told her, but for now she was overwhelmed with the intense desire to protect the helpless four year old child that he had been and furious that she was unable to do so.

Laura had never been good with helplessness, which only made her more determined to help him fill in the blanks.

“Surprisingly, it helps to talk about it,” he told her with a shrug. “I never thought I would say that out loud to a living soul.”

Laura was only half listening. Restless and full of repressed anger, she began looking around the grounds of the house again. She peaked in the windows, and doors, and then made her way around to the back garden.

He followed silently, unsure as to what she was doing, but willing to go along with it for the time being. He watched as she thoroughly searched the grounds like a bloodhound. It wasn’t until she made her way into the bushes at the very back of the garden that she stopped suddenly.

The look on her face told her she had found something. It was a look that chilled him to the very bone.

“What is it?” He asked, unsure that he wanted to hear the answer.

“I think I understand what role they wanted you to play,” she replied, her voice tiny and slightly shaky. Making his way over to where she stood, she pointed a finger.

There, hidden in the bushes was the grave of a small child. The name on the stone read ‘In loving memory of Conor O’Neill. Taken far too soon.’ Remington read the date on the stone with a leaden feeling in the bottom of his stomach.

“Is that…even legal?” Laura wondered, her voice shaky. “A child’s grave in someone’s backyard I mean.”

“I’m not sure,” Remington murmured, lost in his own dark thoughts. “It’s quite possible that nobody is buried here at all. It was common for families who couldn’t afford proper services to simply buy the stone while the body itself was thrown into a mass grave. It’s probably just a marker.”

“My God,” Laura breathed.

“He would have been four years old,” he said quietly. All at once, it felt as if the air had left him entirely. He sank down to his knees, his eyes fixated on the small stone marker in front of him.

He could hear Laura speaking, but for some reason her voice sounded as if it were a world away.

“The dates make sense,” she was saying, “it looks like the O’Neill’s lost their son and adopted you shortly after as…”

He shot her an abrupt look, silencing her mid sentence. She looked away, clearly unsure as to what to say or do. Reaching out, he ran his fingers along the name on the stone.

Inside his heart and mind, he was at war. A familiar anger had settled deep into the pit of his stomach. It was a feeling he had worn like a second skin for almost two decades of his life. And it was a feeling he had almost forgotten as he had settled into his life with Laura, as Remington Steele.

From the moment he had met her, he felt something inside himself relax. He hadn’t even known he had needed it. Yet, slowly as the years went by, a relief took over him, replacing the rage with a quiet contentment.

He wanted to tap into that rage – to yell and scream at the family that took him in and expected him to fulfill the role of a child they’d lost. And yet, just as quickly as the anger had come, it dissolved the moment Laura knelt down next to him and placed an arm gently on his.

A sadness took over as the adult inside him imagined what it must have been like for the couple that had fostered him. How much pain must they have been in? Did they ever find their way out of the grief that must have consumed them?

Laura watched the range of emotions play across her partner’s face. She pictured him as an innocent four year old child, wanting nothing more than to be loved by the people who promised to care for him.

She imagined him desperately trying to be the child they had lost, feeling that his own identity wasn’t good enough. That _he_ wasn’t good enough, or deserving enough, of love. In all the time she had known him, she had assumed many things about his penchant for different identities. Never in a million years had she considered that he might have adopted those identies to escape the fact that as a child, he’d failed in the first role he had ever been given. Had he been changing personas all these years in a desperate attempt to be what others wanted? Was that the only way he thought others would love him?

She imagined the fear and sadness he must have felt and her heart broke for him. It was a burden he never should have had to shoulder and one he had carried for far too long.

She wanted to know what he was feeling, what he was thinking, but she had no idea where to start or how to ask him. At that moment, she felt as if she were an outsider, intruding on something very personal and very private.

After moments that felt like years, he stood up. She followed suit and he wrapped his arm gently around her shoulder and squeezed it. A remote part of her mind noted that it was very like him to try to offer comfort when he was the one who needed it most.

“I’m sorry,” was all she could think to say.

“What for?” He asked, sounding genuinely puzzled.

“For what happened here,” she said, gesturing towards the house. “Those people never should have done that to you. It’s just awful.”

“I can’t help but think of the pain they must have been in,” he murmured, eyes still fixated on the marker.

She shot him a look for surprise. She wasn’t sure how she had expected him to react, but she definitely hadn’t anticipated this.

When they had first met, he would have covered up any intense emotional response with either a flip remark or a burst of anger.

Anger, in this particularly case would have been perfectly justified. It was certainly what Laura felt right now towards the couple who had treated him so poorly, yet Mr. Steele, seemed calm. She wasn’t used to seeing this side of him – the side that attempted to empathise with those who had hurt him.

“The pain _they_ must have been through?” She echoed, her voice rising an octave. “What they did was abusive and cruel! You were barely out of babyhood! I don’t give a damn about their pain.”

“They’d lost their child, Laura,” he said, his voice still aggravatingly calm. “I doubt either of them were in their right mind when they took me in. I think…they _wanted_ to love me. Whatever else they did…or were…knowing that is comforting.”

“They gave you an impossible job,” Laura told him, eyes flashing, “and then they punished and discarded you when you couldn’t be what they needed. You were a living breathing child, not a pet hamster for God’s sake!”

“They also let me go,” he said softly. The memories that had been playing on repeat ever since they’d arrived here had taken on new significance as the blanks had been filled in. “I think they knew that keeping me here was only going to make things worse for all of us. In their hearts, they were trying to do what was best for me.”

“Trying is not good enough,” Laura said stubbornly. Unable to look at the stone any longer, she turned and began to walk back to the sidewalk. Steele followed silently.

When they reached the rental car, Laura stopped, placing both hands on the hood of the car while she tried to sort out her emotions. Remington stood behind her, hands in his pockets, with an unreadable expression on his face.

Laura swallowed hard and turned to face him.

Without speaking, he opened his arms and she allowed herself to dissolve into his strong embrace. They clung to one another as tightly as they could both giving and receving the comfort they needed.

Laura had no idea why this place had affected her so strongly. She had known from the bits and pieces he had given her over the years, that his childhood was not a particularly happy one. He had said as much on many occasions. She remembered the Christmas they had spent being held hostage, and the story he had told her about following the boy with the sled. Her heart had gone out to him then, but she hadn’t truly understood what it had been like for him until now. It made her angry – furious in a way she couldn’t comprehend.

And it caused her to feel so incredibly guilty. Over the years she had pushed him so hard to reveal his past to her. She had thought he was withholding the information in order to maintain the upper hand. If it were this difficult for Laura to hear about what happened to him, how hard must it be for him to tell her? To return to these places and relive it? How could she have done this to him?

“I’m sorry,” she whispered into his coat. She hadn’t realised she was crying until she spoke. He pulled back and her heart stopped at the look of concern and love in his deep blue eyes. “I didn’t realise…I never should have pressured you about your past. I didn’t know…”

“Sssh, love,” he murmured as he gently kissed the top of her head. She felt a warmth run through her at the endearment that seemed to slip so effortlessly from his lips. “We’ve both made mistakes, let’s leave it there.”

He wanted to say more, but he wasn’t sure this was the time. He knew that there was something Laura still wasn’t telling him. And as much as he wanted to get everything out in the open so that they could truly start afresh, he wasn’t sure he could take whatever revelations were to come. It was better to hide inside this bubble of intimacy they had created for as long as they could.

In truth, things hadn’t been the same for them ever since the failed wedding with Clarissa. He knew he had hurt her deeply and they still hadn’t really dealt with the ramifications of that action. Their fake wedding had only masked the problems and they had drifted further and further apart as a result. There had never seemed to be a moment where they could sit down and catch their breath, much less make amends for what they had done to each other.

Steele knew that when they time came, they would have to re-open wounds that had cut very deep and he genuinely wasn’t sure if they could survive it. But for now, he was content to hold Laura close and pretend that nothing in the world could hurt them as long as they were together.

“I should be comforting you, not the other way around,” Laura said with a laugh as she wiped her eyes and regained her composure.

“I don’t think there’s any kind of rule book for this sort of thing,” he said wryly. “And somehow learning the reasons behind what happened here gives me some peace.”

“What now, then?” Laura asked.

“Now, I think we find a café and have some lunch,” Steele replied, opening the passenger side door of the car for her. “No sense trying to figure out our next move on an empty stomach.”


	7. Chapter 7

They had lunch on a beautiful outdoor patio in the City Centre of Dublin. Remington did his best to keep the conversation light and free of any topics that might be considered painful for either of them.

He hadn’t brought up Daniel since they had arrived at the house earlier that morning. He wasn’t sure why, but there was a part of him that felt exposed in a way that he wasn’t used to. The revelations about the family he had lived with sat with him and he had no idea how to reconcile them with the questions that still swirled in his mind regarding the man he now knew was his father.

Daniel had told him he had attempted to find him after living an aimless life upon his release from prison. In his efforts to do so, had he known what Remington had gone through? Had he known about the different families that had taken him in?

The O’Neill’s were the first and what had happened to him had affected him deeply, but they were by far not the worst experience he’d had with foster parents. If he had known would Daniel have come for him sooner? Or did he stay away deliberately, convinced Steele was better off without him? These were questions he would never be able to ask and they gnawed at him even as he enjoyed the food and Laura’s company.

He wasn’t sure how to proceed with her at all. She had been profoundly affected by what they had discovered at the house that morning. He was deeply touched that she cared so much for him that she seemed to take on his heartache and past hurts as if they were her own. However, it was for that reason that he was also reluctant to go any further into the rabbit hole that was his past. The O’Neill house was only the beginning. Would she still look at him the same way she had that morning if she knew all he had been through?

The last thing he ever wanted was pity, especially from her. He had gone to such lengths to cultivate his man of mystery persona in order to keep anyone from seing the vulnerable and scared little child he had been. If Laura saw that child, would she ever truly see the man he was now?

He thought back to that morning when they were getting changed. Laura had tried to hide it, but he had seen the way she had looked at the scar on his lower back. He knew at some point he would have to tell her about it – and the family he had lived with. It was a conversation he did not look forward to because he knew it would forever change things between them and they were delicate enough as it was.

Instead, he remained content to talk about mundane things, such as the history of various buildings in the city, and the best places to get a pint. They laughed together and he allowed himself the chance to relax and give in to the fantasy that they were a newlywed couple on their honeymoon having a lazy lunch in the heart of Dublin.

As they paid their bill, Steele knew that they would have to discuss what came next. If they were to stay in Ireland they needed some kind of plan of action.

They walked to the car, hand in hand, each lost in their own thoughts.

“I thought we would head back to the Castle for now,” he suggested as he turned the key in the ignition. Laura nodded, at a loss for words.

As they drove, Remington tried to find a voice for what he was feeling. He had a lot of talents, but talking about how he felt was definitely not one of them. Yet for the first time in his life, he wanted to. Keeping his emotions private no longer felt like something that protected him, but rather something that was keeping him trapped and unable to move forward.

He had thought that by going back to the beginning of what he could remember, that it would bring with him some sort of closure. Indeed, he had found answers to questions he’d carried with him for years, but that didn’t seem to satisfy him. He still felt raw and exposed, like a band aid ripped off a wound too soon.

He desperately wanted to talk to Daniel, and the fact that he couldn’t brought a new round of grief that he’d been trying to suppress with small talk. Daniel had been the only constant in his life since he was fourteen years old. Sure, he had moved on to different things as he had become an adult, but he had always known that Daniel would be there if he ever needed a place to hide, or someone to talk to.

He had understood Steele in a way nobody else had – not even Laura. He had seen him and known him at his very lowest points in his life. Though he was glad he had opened up to Laura, he knew that she could never truly understand what life had been like for him so many years ago, and the only person who could was gone.

He had died, and taken the answers that Remington needed so very desperately with him. He was both devastated and furious with Daniel and couldn’t express that to him in any way.

“You know, if you grip the steering wheel any harder you might break it,” Laura’s voice broke into his thoughts. She spoke lightly but the note of concern was evident in her voice. He gave a small sigh.

“Part of me hates him, Laura,” he said, his voice dull and flat. “I mean he had twenty years to tell me who he was. Twenty years that he watched me struggle with not knowing, and he did nothing. What kind of father does that?”

“One who’s scared, perhaps,” Laura replied.

“I’m sick and tired of having to be the bigger person,” Steele told her, his jaw tight as he held back the volatile emotions that surged through him “When he told me the truth I yelled at him. I flung his watch at him and I walked away. Did you know that?”

“No,” Laura said, surprised. She hadn’t been there for Daniel’s revelation to Steele and by the time she had found out that Daniel had told him, he had already passed away and the caskets had arrived. There hadn’t been much time to talk about what had happened when Daniel had finally told him, or how Remington had reacted.

“I was fully prepared to write him off,” He continued, “I wanted nothing to do with him. I certainly didn’t want to hear any of his excuses. Not after everything I had gone through. Those first fourteen years of my life could have been so different if he had been there. I’ve been so angry for so long and he knew it, he _saw_ it. I thought t _o hell with him._ ”

“What made you change your mind?” She asked.

“Mildred,” he replied with a short laugh. “She found me outside, wandering the Castle grounds. I don’t know how she does it, but she has this way of cutting to the heart of things. She asked me if this was how I wanted things to go down between Daniel and I. I realized that she was right. I decided to forgive him, if for no other reason than to get the answers from him that I needed. I went back in and we talked just long enough to reconcile before he passed away right in front of me and you walked in shortly after.”

He shook his head ruefully.

“I thought I had dealt with it, but seeing that house today made me realize I am still so bloody angry. He kept so much from me. There are so many questions I wanted to ask, like what was my mother’s name? How did they meet? How did Daniel find me when I was fourteen? How did he know I was his son?”

Remington trailed off, his frustration over taking him. Laura remained silent, watching him with concern in her deep brown eyes.

He had felt so adrift since Daniel’s revelation. The only thing that seemed to keep him sane was the steadfast devotion and loyalty that she had shown him.

Their relationship had been so fractured ever since the failed wedding to Clarissa. Remington had honestly feared that there might not be a way to put right everything that he had destroyed. Their fake wedding and subsequent honeymoon had only served to widen the rift that had appeared between them and had gotten worse with every passing day.

He would never forget the look on Laura’s face as he had been arrested in Mexico for the murder of Norman Keyes, nor their conversation in the jail house. It still hurt to think about the way she had so callously asked him why he didn’t have a name. After everything they had been through, including Laura herself issuing him a passport in the name of Remington Steele, he had thought his lack of a name had ceased to be a barrier between them. He had thought she was finally beginning to accept him for the man he was, not the man she had demanded he be, like so many others he had known. Instead, she had used his deepest insecurity against him and lashed out at him when he had been most vulnerable.

Adding insult to injury, she had appeared to genuinely believed him to be capable of Norman Keyes’ murder. It didn’t matter to him that it was only for a split second. Seeing her lose faith in him brought back all of his worst fears regarding their relationship. He had spent the better part of four years trying desperately to live up to the image of the man she had created in her mind, never fully believing he was capable of it only to see it wiped out in the space of an instant.

It was a pattern he was painfully familiar with and one that had left him emotionally exhausted and unable to trust. He so desperately wanted to lay his head down and rest – to rid himself of the burden of playing a role, and yet he had no idea who he was beyond the mantle of whatever name had been placed on him in the moment. After what had happened in London, he thought that despite his lack of a name, she might finally be seeing him for the man he was, rather than the man he had been trying to be.

He’d been so hopeful that he had decided that when the time was right, he would tell Laura exactly how he felt and ask her to marry him. He would finally take that step and the two of them could begin their relationship in earnest. He thought he had all the time in the world, until the INS came knocking at his door.

He had known the moment they threatened to deport him that he couldn’t ask Laura to marry him. He knew that if there was _any_ doubt whatsoever as to his intentions it would poison whatever future he hoped to have with her.

And then he had gone ahead and made the worst decision of his entire life. And the reasons for it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered beyond the fact that he had destroyed Laura’s trust in him. He would never forget the look in her eyes when she saw him standing next to the alter about to marry someone else.

He hadn’t had a clue at the time how to get close to her again, and their fake wedding only made it worse. It hurt to watch Laura say those vows to him with such anger in her eyes. It hurt that he was playing a part all over again, and that this time he had dragged her into it.

And watching Anthony Roselli try to worm his way into her affections had not made things any easier. He knew at first she was only using Antony to make him angry and jealous. He’d done his best not to rise to the bait, believing the high road to be the only way to resolve things between them.

It wasn’t until he had seen her kiss Antony on the train that he had started to wonder if, in the rift that had grown between them, Antony had managed to move in and occupy a space in Laura’s heart.

It had been far too painful for him to dwell on so he tried to ignore it.

By the time he had inherited the Castle, he had felt like a stranger to Laura. She had grown so distant from him, that he wasn’t sure if the gap could ever be bridged. He’d almost resigned himself to the idea of playing husband and wife for two years, obtaining their inevitable divorce and the two of them going their own separate ways.

He’d even wondered if, after their duty to the INS was satisfied, she might wish to pursue a relationship with Roselli. It certainly wouldn’t have surprised him.

And yet, here they were. If Daniel’s death had achieved anything it was bringing them back to one another after having gotten so lost.

Could he forgive Daniel for that reason alone? In losing Daniel had he finally gotten as close to Laura as he had always wanted?

He wanted to think the answer was yes, but despite the clear love he could see in her eyes, there was something she was still holding back.

He sighed and shook his head. They entered the village of Glen Cree in silence, neither of them sure of what to say.

It was Laura who finally broke the silence as they arrived back at the Castle. She exited the car, shoved her hands in her pockets and instead of entering the building, walked towards the Gardens.

“You know I’ve never been Daniel’s greatest fan,” she said, her voice clam and measured. Steele could tell she was taking her time, trying to find the exact right words for what she wanted to say. “For what it’s worth, I think he loved you and wanted to do the right thing. Sometimes in our desire to do that, we get it wrong. I know I’m guilty of that more than most.”

“Laura…”

“Please, let me finish,” she said, putting a hand in the air to stop him. “There are things I need to tell you….that I’ve been trying to tell you. I thought that when we finally took that next step, that our problems would just melt away. I thought….”

She laughed and shook her head.

“I thought that if you told me you loved me, it was all we would ever need. I’ve spent four years telling myself that lie.”

“I do love you,” he said, reaching out and taking her by the arm. Slowly, he pulled her close and kissed the top of her head. She reached up and gently trailed her palm along the contours of his face before smiling sadly.

“I know, and I love you too. But it’s not enough. At least, not yet. We both know that. You need something that I can’t give you. You need to find the answers to those questions you asked in the car.”

“The only person who could give me those anwers is dead, Laura,” Steele said flatly. The way she was speaking frightened him more than a little. “And I’m not sure I want to continue to dredge up the past. The house I showed you this morning was only the beginning. What can be gained by going down that path?”

Laura smiled at him for the first time since they had gotten out of the car.

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “But I’m willing to go with you if you want me.”

Steele looked away, unable to sort out the range of emotions swirling through him. Her simple statement affected him in a way no declaration of love ever could. It cut through the very heart of every one of his fears. No matter who he was, or who his father had been, she was willing to be there.

It was more than he could have ever hoped for.

Leaning down, he kissed her softly but with the full weight of his love for her.

“Thank you,” he said.


	8. Chapter 8

The rest of the day was spent quietly enjoying each other’s company. Although nothing specific had been decided regarding how to proceed from that point forward, for once the uncertainty didn’t weigh heavily on Remington. He could feel a shift in the way Laura looked at him, which affected him deeply. It was as if something restless inside of him had finally gone quiet, allowing him to breathe. 

They enjoyed a beautiful meal cooked expertly by the Castle kitchen staff later in the evening. After dinner, he regailed Laura and Mildred with tales of his and Daniel’s more colourful exploits. He couldn’t believe how good it felt to reminisce about Daniel without being worried that Laura would see it as a threat to their relationship. He knew there had been competition between her and Daniel for his affections, and in the past, Laura had been quite jealous of the time he had spent with Daniel and the experiences they had shared together.

That night, Laura seemed content to listen and support him – something he was eternally grateful for. She seemed to sense the need inside of him to connect with the mentor he had loved and the father he was only just now getting to know. The anger was still there, sitting just below the suface, but Steele was willing to put it aside for the time being. Something inside of him needed to remember Daniel fondly at least for a little while before he could revisit that feeling again and address it accordingly.

Their love making that night was slow, measured and full of passion – the way he had wanted their first night together to be. They kept each other awake into the wee hours of the morning discovering more and more ways to give one another pleasure. It was everything he had hoped it would be and yet a deep sadness still followed them.

In the two days that followed, Steele and Laura made half hearted efforts to look into his origins and trace his past, but it was clear they felt unsure of what to pursue or how. He sensed that for once, Laura was holding back and looking for him to take the lead on things which was very uncharacteristic. In the past, their dynamic had always consisted of her leading the charge with Steele offering a few key insights as they went – usually in the form of a major motion picture. Now, it felt as if she were waiting for his say-so before they went too in-depth. He was grateful for her discretion, but also unsettled by the new dynamic.

It made him all the more frustrated to realise that the man who held the answers to the questions he sought was dead and no amount of detective work would change that. His brain kept coming back to their final conversation together. _If I had only had twenty minutes, an hour, a day more with him,_ he thought, _I would know._

But Daniel had died, and to Steele it felt any chance of knowing the truth of his origins went with him.

He thought back to the last few days he had spent with Daniel and realised that their last conversation was not the only thing about Daniel’s presence he had questions about. Daniel had clearly been trying to help that woman Marissa find her father, and something about that particular quest bothered him. It wasn’t that Daniel was trying to help someone – he could understand that desire all too well. He couldn’t count the number of times Steele had dragged Laura into a case where there wasn’t even a client simply because he had wanted to help someone in need.

It was the fact that Daniel seemed to be helping her without any ulterior motive. He felt awful for thinking of his deceased father that way, but Steele knew that Daniel had rarely done anything that didn’t have some kind of benefit for himself attached. When he had first begun teaching Steele the art of the con, Remington remembered telling Daniel that he refused to con anyone who couldn’t afford it, or didn’t deserve it.

His assertion that they restrict their targets to the obscenely wealthy or morally dubious surprised Daniel, who clearly hadn’t expected his protégé to care one way or another who they fleeced. But he had gone along with it regardless. While Steele didn’t know what sorts of jobs Daniel had pulled prior to finding him on the streets, he strongly suspected that Daniel didn’t much care who he hurt in those early years, and that he himself had acted as a sort of Jiminy Cricket figure for his mentor.

So who was Marissa and why had he been so determined to help her in his final days? More importantly, where was she now? Was she still in Ireland? Had she given up on the search to find his father?

These were questions that ate away at him, and so two days following the trip into Dublin he asked Milldred to discretly inquire as to Marissa’s whereabouts. He didn’t mention it to Laura, for reasons that eluded him. Perhaps it was because he wasn’t sure there would be anything to tell, or that he didn’t want to involve her in what could very possibly be a dead end.

It was another day before Mildred approached him in the Castle courtyard.

“Ahh, Mildred! Splendid! I trust you are coming to tell me you’ve dug some information up as to the whereabouts of our friend Marissa?”

“She’s still in Dublin, boss,” Mildred told him, her voice hesitant. There was a look in her eyes that worried him all of a sudden. It was the same look Daniel had had in his eyes just before he had dropped the biggest bombshell of Steele’s life on him.

“And do we have an address for her?” He inquired quietly.

“I wrote it down for you,” she said almost absently handing him a small piece of paper with the address of a Dublin hotel on it. “Boss? I have something else for you. It…came in the mail this morning.”

Her tone told him this was something major. He was immediately on edge.

“For God’s sake, Mildred, just tell me. What is it?”

She looked up at him, finally meeting his eyes. In her gaze he saw the compassion, worry, and love of a mother – a look he had not known as a child. Slowly, she handed him an envelope addressed to Remington Steele. Before she could even speak again, his heart dropped as he recognized the handwriting.

“It’s from Daniel, Chief.” She said, though he already knew that. “It’s post dated. He meant for it to arrive today, but he wrote it before he…well, you know.”

“He knew he didn’t have much time left,” Steele said, trying to keep his voice brusque and business like so that Mildred didn’t see how deeply this affected him. “He likely wanted to ensure I knew the truth if he passed on before getting the chance to tell me.”

“Do you…” She swallowed slightly, unsure of her place in all of this. “Would you like me to stay here while you read it? Or get Miss Holt maybe?”

“Thank you, Mildred,” he said gruffly, “but I think this is something I should do on my own. I’m going to take a walk, okay?”

“Sure, boss,” she replied softly.

When she was out of site he began to stroll the grounds. Slowly, with great reservation, he opened the letter.


	9. Chapter 9

The first thing Remington noticed when he opened the letter was that, despite the fact that it had been addressed to Remington Steele, Daniel had begun the letter addressing him as ‘Harry’. Somehow that was comforting to him, as it helped him to frame an image of the man writing it in his mind. They had never managed to get to a point where Daniel had felt comfortable referring to him as Remington Steele and privately he had always had his doubts as to whether they ever would as it would mean Daniel would finally have to admit that Remington had left the life for good.

Taking a deep breath, he began to read.

_Harry,_

_By the time you receive this letter, it is very likely that I will have passed away. This may come as a shock to you, as I have not told you that I am ill. I know you will likely be angry with me – and rightfully so, but I have my reasons for keeping my illness private – the chief of them being that I don’t want to spend my final days wallowing in sadness or feeling as if I am some kind of burden placed upon others._

_You may be wondering why I would even bother to tell you at all, as you will no doubt know the truth of it already as you read this letter. Were it not for your Miss Holt and her constant need to ferret out other people’s secrets, I might have passed away simply and quietly as I had originally wanted to do. However, that is no longer possible and my illness is not the only secret – or the most important one – that I have been keeping from you._

_Only moments ago I entered my room to discover your Laura rifling through my belongings. In doing so, she had discovered the medications I have been taking in an effort to prolong my life. I confessed to her the truth of my illness, hoping that would be enough to sate her curiosity. But you know as well as I, my boy, that if she has a mind to the truth, nothing will stop her._

_She uncovered something else while going through my things. You will no doubt remember two years ago when you set out to try and discover your father’s identity you did so with only one clue to go on – a watch that was given to you by Patrick O’Rourke with a note that said your father always wanted you to have it. At the time, you had thought the watch had originally belonged to the Earl of Claridge who had meant it for his own son – and that was true. But the child the watch was meant for, was not you – as you discovered for yourself and the watch had been stolen from the Earl by your real father – a man still unknown to you._

_I thought that you would give up your search after that, and inded it seemed that you had. It actually relieved me to see you go back to Los Angeles, despite my protests. You and Miss Holt have built a new life together and although it has taken me a while to see that, I think you are much better for it._

_However, I also knew that my past would come back to haunt me someday, and that because of Miss Holt, you would not stop until you discovered the truth of your past. Perhaps that’s why she and I never truly got along. I think deep down I knew it would be she, either directly or indirectly, that would lead you to discover the truth._

_Although I am certain you already know what I am trying to tell you, I shall be blunt._

_The item Laura found amongst my belongings was the watch. It was the second time I had stolen it. It didn’t take her (or you I imagine) long to realize that I am your father. Though I have wanted to tell you the truth for the past 20 years, I have been unable to out of fear. Every time I tried to get up the courage to tell you I would remember back to that first year we spent together when you were just a boy. I would see the hate in your eyes and hear the fury in your words whenever you spoke of your family – then unknown to you. I knew that if I told you then I would lose you a second time and I would not get you back._

_So many times I tried. I know that will be hollow consolation to you, especially now. But I want you to know I did try._

_After learning the truth, Laura pleaded with me to tell you and the urge to do so is so very strong. Part of me is hoping that I am somehow able to tell you before I go, but I am also aware that time, and courage, are not on my side._

_I am writing this letter because I know you will have many many questions. I want to do my best to answer them if I can. My hope is that even if you truly hate me after all of this, this letter can at least afford you some peace._

“Daniel, you son of a…” Remington stopped reading and looked up, taking in the grounds in front of him as he tried to process the words in front of him. A tear slid down his cheek, unwanted and was wiped away furiously. It was an odd feeling. In reading his words, it was almost as if he could see him, hear his voice right in front of him. It was both comforting and maddening. The anger he had felt towards the man who had kept this secret from him for so long resurfaced along with a shocking realization.

Laura had known.

She had discovered the truth about Daniel a full twenty four hours before he had. Thinking back to her strange behavior, it all made sense. He rememberd her saying she thought she had judged Daniel too harshly and inviting him in for a nightcap. Her insistence that they talk seemed strange at the time to him, as she usually contrived to keep them apart as best she could. He remembered Daniel telling him a whopper about a dog he had supposedly loved. How stupid had he been to believe him?

He had always thought that the only good thing to come from his wretched childhood had been his ability to spot someone lying to him and yet not only had Daniel lied to him for twenty years, Laura had managed to conceal the most important piece of information in his entire life from him for twenty four hours – a twenty four hours that could have made all the difference in the world to him.

Had he always been that gullible?

She must have known. How could she have betrayed him so fundamentally? Had they really grown so far apart that she would keep the one thing he had desperately needed from him out of spite? Or did she simply not realize what this meant to him?

He had thought that in the last few days they had grown more connected than he had ever been with any living soul. Now he wondered if she had ever really known him at all.

He wanted to throw the letter in the bin and just keep walking. Whatver secrets it held, it also held the heartbreaking knowledge of Laura’s betrayal and that alone was enough to make him want to burn it.

But he knew that when the hurt and anger wore off, his need for answers would remain. And without the letter, he would have nothing.

He took a deep breath, and continued to read, putting Laura’s betrayal on the backburner for the moment.

_You’ll likely want to know about your mother and how we met. Her name was Margaret O’Flaherty and she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my life._

_I was young and only just learning the con man’s life. I had no guiding compass, and so I pulled whatever jobs I felt I could get away with regardless of who the target was, or how risky it was. Margaret’s only family was her older brother William. William had been recently widowed with a sixteen year old daughter to raise and had taken it upon himself to look after his younger sister as well. At the time, I thought him to be nothing more than a wealthy business man. He had managed to amass a sizable savings through investments and the like and I devised a scheme to…relieve him of his financial gains._

_In the process, I met and fell hopelessly in love with Margaret. She was never made aware of my true vocation and I desperately wanted it to stay that way._

_Obviously I was the last person William wanted to see with his beloved sister and so he told me that if I left quietly, he wouldn’t tell her who I really was or what I had done. What he didn’t realize, was that in relieving him of all his assets, I had discovered that he too, was concealing a secret._

_You see, far from being simply a business man, William O’Flaherty worked for British Intelligence. He often possed as a business man, going by many different names and working with many different governments, including the United States. He was about to leave on a prolonged assignment when he confronted me, and demanded I leave. I am not proud of what I did, but I was desperate to remain with Margaret and so I threatened to blow his cover and expose him, and his daughter, to his enemies._

_I can’t imagine how much he must have hated me. He backed down, and two weeks later, he and his daughter were gone._

_I continued to see her, intending to make an honest go of things, but money was tight and the allure of the life was too great. An opportunitiy presented itself for a heist – an opportunity I couldn’t possibly pass up. I told myself it would be the last time. I told myself I would pull this one last job and settle down for good. I wanted to be the man she thought I was so very badly._

_Oh my boy, wouldn’t it be marvelous if we could go back in time with the knowledge that we have now? If I could, I would never have pulled that job. I had no way of knowing that Margaret would fall pregnant, or that the heist I was planning was far too complicated for someone so young and green as I was. I had no mentor to guide me, no one to teach me the ropes. I was operating on pure ambition and youth – a dangerous combination in most circumstances._

_As I said, it all went wrong. I was caught and sent to prison. We must have conceived you just before I was locked away because I didn’t know she had fallen pregnant, or that she was all alone while giving birth._

_It breaks my heart to think that she died that way. She brought you into the world with nobody there who loved her to help her, and that, my boy, is entirely my fault. I have carried the weight of that all these years and I suspect that when I do finally pass, it will be my final thought and greatest regret._

_While in prison, I attempted to write to her, but all my letters went unanswered. I had no idea why. At first I thought she was angry with me for what I had done, and indeed that might have been the case. Eventually, one of my letters was returned with a notice that she had moved, but provided no forwarding address. At this point, I had forged a friendship with one of the guards – a man named Jimmy Callighen and he offered to try to find out what had become of her for me._

_A week later he told me that she had been moved to St. Patrick’s Mother and Baby home, as was customary for single mothers at the time. Her brother could not be located, and she had no other family or friends nearby who could help her. They would not permit me to write to her there, and if it weren’t for the continued friendship of that guard, I may never had known that she had passed or that you had been placed into foster care._

_I spent almost a decade in that prison. It was the worst hell I could have possibly imagined. Every day I was forced to live, incarcerated and with the knowledge that my absence had potentially brought about Margaret’s death. Every day I was reminded that I had a child out there somewhere, who would never know me._

_The pain was almost too much for me to bear and so I shut down in every way you can think of. When I was eventually released, I went back there, but no trace of you, or your mother was left. I had no idea which family you were living with now, and St. Patrick’s would not release any information to me._

_I decided the only thing I could do was to continue on with my life and so that’s what I did. I moved to London, and resumed the life I had lived before having gone to prison. My previous determination to go straight had died with Margaret. I felt like there was nothing left to live for, but the thrill of the con._

_After a couple of years, even that was no longer enough for me and I knew I had to find you or I would regret it for the rest of my life. You would have been about 11 or 12 at this point and I knew that I would not be able to get any information on my own. I didn’t have the means or the skills, you see._

_This next part I think you will find amusing and somewhat ironic. I hired a private investigator – a London man by the name of Geoffrey Smyth. I gave him all the details I had and paid him an extraordinarily exhorbinant sum in order to try to find you._

_He managed to trace your movements until you were about 10 years old when you ran away from the last foster family you lived with. He lost the trail after that, but told me it looked likely that you had been bound for London. As that had been almost 4 years prior, I almost despaired entirely of ever seeing you again._

_Mr. Smyth, however, was able to provide you with a photo of you from the family you had lived with before you ran. How he got it, I will never know. But it at least allowed me to know what you looked like and that is the only reason I recognized you when you picked my pocket that day on the streets of London._

_I confess I had been making the rounds of areas like that, hoping that if you were living on the street I would eventually encounter you._

_It should have been the happiest day of my life, but as you and I both know, you had been through far too much for our reunion to be one of happy tears and no regrets._

_I don’t want to dwell on that part of our lives, as you and I both know what happened next. The purpose of writing this letter was to fill in the gaps for you before I pass and I hope I have manged to do just that._

_I know you will want to know your real name, and I wish to God that was a gift I could bestow on you, but alas, that is information that does not exist. Since Margaret died while giving birth, your birth certificate simply read: Baby boy, O’Flaherty._

_No doubt you will have many more questions – more than I could ever give you answers for and I am sorry for that._

_There is something else you should know about though. You will by now have seen me around the Castle and started to wonder just what it is I am up to. I think you are smart enough to know that Marissa is more than just a business partner to me._

_Though she might sound American, her full name is Marissa O’Flaherty. She is the daughter of William O’Flaherty, your mother’s brother. That makes her your cousin._

_You will no doubt be wondering how she fitst into all of this. You see, by the time William returned from his posting with Marissa, Margaret had passed and had been buried by the State. You were gone, and for whatever reason, he was never made aware of your existence. If he had been, he might have been able to take you in. Marissa was an adult at that point, about 30 years old, and the nomadic life he had led had caused a deep rift between her and her father. He might have viewed this return to his roots as a way to reconnect with a child he no longer knew, but he couldn’t forget Margaret’s death._   
  


_He could have used this opportunity to retire. He was an older man now, far past the prime of his youth, and yet something compelled him to keep working. He had been working with the American government for several years, and was operating under the name Robert Peters. Because he and Marissa had spent so much time there, they both looked and sounded American._

_It was through his work with the Intelligence office, that he began to probe the cirucmstances of his sister’s death and discovered he had a nephew. No doubt he tried his hardest to find you, and me, but at this point we had built up too many aliases to count._

_I am not privy to the exact details of his relationship with his daughter, but I do know that when Marissa came to me, she was deeply distressed over having grown distant from her father over the years. He became consumed with finding you. He carried great anger towards me, feeling that it was my fault that he had lost out on the potential to know his nephew._

_He likely would have found me eventually, but he disappeared while trying to smuggle political refugees through the iron curtain. He was only supposed to be gone for a year, but by the time Marissa found me, he had been gone for five. She was deeply concerned and, knowing exactly what it was that I had done to her father years ago, she attempted to blackmail me into helping her locate him._

_She advanced me twenty five thousand pounds to locate her father, and I took it, but didn’t get very far. It’s much easier to hide from a person than it is to find them, as you well know._

_It was then that I received my diagnosis and was told I likely wouldn’t live out the year. I am not proud of what I did next, but you will know better than anyone how money tends to burn it’s way through my pockets and I felt it necessary to live to the fullest given the information I had just received._

_Having beein unsuccessful at finding her father, I did see an opportunity to double my money and bet heavily on a horse that unfortunately failed to perform._

_I left, hoping she wouldn’t find me, but she was far more industrious than I gave her credit for. When she turned up here in the Castle, she demanded her money. I’ve never truly felt guilt before, but I felt it then. I knew that if I couldn’t be honest with you before I died, then I at least had to do my best to make things right with Margaret’s family, if only minimally._

_That’s when we attempted to use Tony as leverage with Kamidov. No doubt you will have figured out the purpose of the coffins. I am unsure as to whether this will get to you before I pass, but if not, I trust you to think as I would and do whatever you feel is best._

_I am deeply sorry, my boy, to have been such a coward. A better man would have told you sooner who I was, and given you the chance to find the remaining members of your family. I am hoping it is not too late for you to connect with those who are left, even if I am not long for this world._

_I of course hope to be able to gather enough courage to say this to you in person. But in case I am unable to, please don’t be too angry with Laura for keeping my secret. She is a good woman and I know she didn’t do it for me, she did it for you, even if it is difficult for you to see it._

_If I could go back and do it all again I would be the father I should have been. Alas, time is not on my side. I need you to know that I am beyond proud of you. You have accomplished everything I hoped you would. Indeed, you have achieved what I tried and failed to. I wanted to be a good husband to Margaret and a father to you. Unfortunately, I let both of you down. Please, learn from my failings. Laura loves you deeply and I know you love her. Do not let your pride or fear get in the way of that._

_You have a real chance at happiness. You have built a good life for yourself, despite your beginnings. If I had half the strength of character you do, perhaps things might have turned out differently for me._

_If this is my last communication to you,_

_Be well, my boy._

_Daniel._


	10. Chapter 10

The ink blurred as Remington’s tears hit the page, falling faster and faster as he processed his father’s last words. He swiped at them furiously, trying to contain the emotions that threatened to overwhelm him.

Anger. Loss. Abandonment. Grief. Betrayal. Fear.

An aching need to find Laura and bury his head in her lap for comfort, like a small child would do, warred with a fury that threatened to over take him. She had known all of this. She had known and she had not said a word. She had watched him grieve, and not said a word. She could have spared him so much pain and suffering and yet, she stayed silent.

The irony of Daniel speaking on her behalf from beyond the grave was not lost on him. The very idea that he would advocate for her, only confused him further. She had known how much this had meant to him. She had known Daniel did not have much time left. Keeping quiet out of respect for Daniel was more hurtful than anything else she could have done.

He was tempted to rip the letter to shreds and toss it, but something prevented him from doing so. He felt pulled in a million different directions, a helplessness overcoming him.

The only thing he did know for certain was that he needed to speak to Laura. He had always been a man who had trusted actions over words. Laura’s actions right now only spoke of betrayal – the kind of betrayal he never thought her capable of.

He thought back to all the people in his life who had lied to him. He thought of all the people who had told him they would love him or had promised him a home, only to turn their backs on him whenever the going got tough. He thought of the people who were actively cruel to him, abandoning any pretext of love or affection. As horrific as those situations had been, Steele at least knew who they were and where he stood. There were no false promises or reassurances that life would get better.

Words had become meaningless to him. Only actions mattered, and Steele became very adept at reading people before they opened their mouths. Of all the people he had known in life, only a handful were people he felt could be trusted. He thought he had trusted Daniel, only to find out his deception had dwarfed any that had come before him. And Laura had been part of it. She had protected it.

Of all the people in his life who had lied to him, Laura was the only one he had ever truly believed. To her, words were sacred and as such, he believed the things she had told him in a way he had never done so before.

He thought back to a case they had worked on together in which their client had been falsely declared dead. Steele and Laura had stumbled onto a massive insurance fraud, and in order to silence them, Laura’s flat had a bomb planted in it. Steele had gotten to her in time, but had failed to prevent the bomb from going off at his own flat, causing the death of an eighteen year old kid who had broken in to set up a home entertainment system. He recalled the two of them sitting together in the hotel room and his own admission that he was afraid. Laura had turned to him, and thanked him for being there with her and for being himself. At the time, it had been one of the nicest things she, or anybody, had ever said to him and he told her as much.

She hadn’t realized it then, but he had carried those words with him as their relationship inched forward. He’d held onto them, cherished them and eventually it was those words that had lead him to the realization that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Before immigration had found out about his phony passport, Steele had been trying to figure out how to tell her how he truly felt. He wanted her to know that not only did he believe her words, but that he was able to offer the words she needed in return.

That hadn’t happened, and life had taken an unexpected turn. He knew he had screwed up badly when he attempted to marry Clarissa instead of telling Laura about his immigration problems, but he hadn’t realized how badly their relationship had suffered until now. How could she keep this from him? It was an action he couldn’t for the life of him reconcile, no matter how hard he tried.

And, in the absence of actions he could trust, he found himself in unfamiliar and frankly terrifying territory. If he couldn’t trust her actions, could he put all his faith in words? 

He thought back to the night they spent together after Daniel’s death. He had finally said the words she needed to hear, allowing their relationship to push forward. He had thought that his words had brought the two of them greater intimacy. But what if he had been wrong? What if his words had come too little too late? She had told him she loved him that night and he had believed it. But had he believed it because it was true, or because it was what he had waited to hear all his life? 

Could he put his faith in words now, as she always had? What could she possibly say to justify the secret she had kept from him? He needed to look her in the eyes and determine for himself what was truly important.

He quickened his strides as he headed back towards the main grounds of the Castle. His heart was racing as he considered where he might find Laura and how to approach her about the letter. The last time they had spoken, she had said she thought she might go into town and then retire to their chamber for a nap. It seemed like a fitting place to begin his search, at any rate.

He was so busy thinking about what he might say to Laura that he nearly ran right into Mickeline who had been heading towards him.

“Beggin’ your pardon a moment, your Lordship,” Mickeline said as he moved out of the way just in time. “I had a few things to go over with you. Paperwork and such.” 

“I’m sorry, Mickeline,” Steele said as he dodged the man. “No time now. I have to find Mrs. Steele. And I wish you wouldn’t call me that.”

“Ahh, then you wouldn’t want to be headin’ that way, sir.” Mickeline told him, “I saw Mrs. Steele and that Roselli gentleman heading towards the study.”

“Roselli?” Steele questioned, his mind snapping back into reality. Laura had left the Castle alone. They had tied up every loose end connected to that infernal man. What the hell was he doing here with Laura?

“Aye sir, Anthony Roselli,” Mickeline replied. “He returned with Mrs. Steele.”

“And they went into the study, you say?” Steele asked, already changing direction in anticipation of Mickeline’s answer.

“Yes, your Lordship…err Mr. Steele,” Mickeline said, quickening his pace in an attempt to keep up with Steele. “Now about that paperwork…”

“Speak to Miss Krebbs about the paperwork, alright?” Steele called back.

Quickly, he crossed the grounds and entered one of the servants doors to the Castle. Truth to tell, he hadn’t given Tony much thought after helping exonerate him of the murder charge before Daniel’s death.

So what the hell was he still doing here? And did Laura know about it? What else hadn’t she told him?

He reached the study, intending to barrel in and demand answers. The sound of Laura’s voice inside the room caused him to pause. She and Antony were having some sort of discussion. Even though he found eavesdropping distasteful, Steele found himself nudging the door open ever so slightly so he could hear what they were saying.


	11. Chapter 11

Despite the ambiguity of their last phone conversation, Tony Roselli was the last person Laura had expected to see as she got out of the rental car and headed towards the Castle. She’d been lost in her thoughts which were complicated at best and had been looking forward to a nap in the master bedroom and thinking about whether they were going out for dinner or staying at the Castle. Out of the corner of her eye she saw a figure heading towards her, recognizing Tony’s gait as he approached.

She rounded on him, intending to give him a piece of her mind, when he threw up his hands, in a gesture of surrender.

“I come in peace!” He said with that careless smile she had come to associate with him.

“Why did you come at all?” She asked, feeling they were long past the point of dancing around each other. Laura now knew she hadn’t been blunt enough with him in the past and it was on her to unpack why that was. Now, however, was not the time. Things between her and Mr. Steele were new and fragile and she didn’t want to do anything that would damage things. That included re introducing Tony into their lives. In her heart, he was firmly in her rear view. She just had to get that across to him in a way he would listen and respond to.

“I should think that’s obvious,” Tony replied, meeting her gaze head on. They had reached the entrance to Ashford Castle now and there didn’t seem to be any indication he planned to go quietly. This wouldn’t be as simple as she had hoped. “Look, Laura, I am not trying to make your life difficult and I am sure as hell not going to chase after someone who doesn’t want me. What I do know, is that there is real chemistry between us, if the mixed signals you’ve been giving me are any indication. If you truly want nothing to do with me, that’s fine, but I think you at least owe me a real face to face conversation. Don’t you?”

She wanted to say ‘no’. She wanted to tell him to go to hell and that she didn’t owe him a damn thing, but deep down she knew that wasn’t true. She knew that she wasn’t really angry with him, but rather with herself for not recognizing earlier that whatever feelings she had thought she had for him, were really just part of her attempts to distance herself from Mr. Steele when things had gotten too difficult. How could she explain that to Tony in a way he would understand? How could she acknowledge to herself that she had used Tony as a way to cope with her own feelings of anger and abandonment that she had felt after having watched Mr. Steele almost marry someone else.

It was a daunting task to be sure, and Laura felt at a loss as to where to start. The man standing in front of her deserved honesty at the very least.

Laura sighed deeply and motioned him to follow her into the Castle. If they were going to do this, they might as well at least be comfortable.

She led him to the study and he followed in silence. She wasn’t sure if it was because he was trying to decide what he wanted to say, or if he was just simply surprised she was letting him come in at all. Either way, they entered the study and she turned to face him.

She stood with her arms wrapped around her waist. It was an unconscious gesture but one that spoke of a need to maintain a distance from him. He seemed to sense that, because he didn’t attempt to move any closer.

“You want to talk?” She said, with more defensiveness than she had intended. “Talk.”

“Like I said before,” Tony said, taking a small step towards her. “I don’t wanna go where I’m not wanted. I just want to understand what happened. A couple of weeks ago, you seemed confused. Now, you act like I’m stalking you. I told you I intended to finish our conversation and I’m not trying to haul you off like Tarzan. I just wanna know what gives?”

“There’s nothing to finish, Tony,” Laura said with a tired sigh. “Mr. Steele cleared your name. He and I wish to pursue our relationship. I’m sorry if I hadn’t made it clear to you, but that is what I want. There’s really nothing left to say.”

There was something in the way he looked at her that made her feel like a fraud.

“I don’t think you’re being honest with me,” he said simply. Laura flinched at the directness of his words.

“Why?” Laura said, wondering what she could possibly be saying or doing to encourage him. Couldn’t he see she was not interested – that she never had been?

“Because you’re still calling him ‘Mr. Steele’.” Tony pointed out. Laura was shocked enough by the astuteness of his observation that her head shot up and she finally looked him in the eye.

“An old habit,” she said evenly, “nothing more.”

“I don’t believe that,” Tony replied, stepping closer once more.

“You don’t need to,” she told him, her voice becoming more assured as she spoke. “You just need to leave us be. Look I am sorry if I misled you. I am. But this is what I want. When we spoke outside the Embassy you told me that even though you knew my marriage was phony, you wouldn’t get in the way if he was the one I wanted. Do you remember that?”

“I do,” Tony nodded. “And I meant it. But I also remember that when I kissed you, you didn’t pull away. You kissed me back. And not only that, you said you felt something for me and that those feelings confused you. That doesn’t just disappear. Tell me I’m wrong.”

“You’re wrong,” Laura said, aware at how shaky and unconvincing she sounded. How could she explain to him the true reasons for her confusion when she still didn’t fully understand it herself? How could she communicate to Tony that just the mere thought of Remington’s touch from the last few days erased any doubts she may have felt in the past? How could she tell him that her confusion was not because of a deep attraction to Tony, but because of her own fears of what Remington’s touch might do to her if she fully allowed him in? Tony continued speaking as if she hadn’t said a word.

“Did you, or did you not say those things to me?” His voice had softened slightly and Laura swallowed, thinking back to that day outside the Embassy. Old feelings came flooding back. Not for Tony, but for Remington. She remembered feeling so very distant from Remington and allowing that distance to grow until it left a space just small enough to allow Tony an entrance he wouldn’t otherwise have been granted.

“I did,” she admitted, hating herself for even acknowledging that she had once felt something for anyone other than Remington for even a short amount of time. “But I also said that my relationship with Mr. St….Remington was a work in progress…that it had taken years for us to get this close. I told you that I wanted to pursue that.”

She turned away from him and looked out the window before turning back, her voice rising in a way that was almost a plea.

“For Gods sake, I was trying to let you down gently.”

“Bull,” Tony replied, sensing her vulnerability. He was close enough now to take her hand. She shook her head, but didn’t pull away. “Why say it like that? You don’t mince words, Laura. You don’t give a damn about letting me down – gently or otherwise. You said you ‘couldn’t’ pull away. You didn’t say you wouldn’t. You didn’t say he was the one you really wanted, or even that you loved him for crying out loud! That means something and we both know it. You made your relationship sound like a box you still needed to check off on a ‘to do’ list. What was I supposed to think?”

“I….” Laura shook her head again, feeling as if he had cornered her somehow. Why had she said it that way? Was it really how she had felt? Why hadn’t she just told Tony that she loved Remington? Was it because she had still been too afraid to admit it to herself? “I didn’t…it was a poor choice of words. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“Doesn’t it?” Tony shot back. “You said you had feelings for me. Why are you so afraid to explore them? Which of your words were lies?” 

“Go ahead, Laura,” a soft accented voice that was all too familiar said from the doorway. “We’re both listening.”


	12. Chapter 12

Laura’s heart seemed to stop at the sound of Mr. Steele’s voice. It was hard and flat, and there was a hint of anger simmering just below the surface that only she would be able to detect in his otherwise icy-calm exterior.

Tony looked at Mr. Steele and had the good sense to look almost apologetic. Laura wrenched her hand away from his, a deep red flush rising up her cheeks.

A silence descended in the room, uncomfortable and oppressive. It likely lasted only a few seconds but felt much longer. Eventually it was Tony who broke it, stepping forward and extending a hand to Mr. Steele.

“I never got a chance to thank you for clearing my name,” he said with genuine appreciation in his tone. Mr. Steele didn’t take it, but instead offered a curt nod in response.

“Is this how you thank me?” He asked him. Laura noted that his eyes seemed darker and more unreadable. Tony shifted uncomfortably under his gaze.

“Look, I can see that my presence here is causing some problems,” he said, heading towards the door.

“You’re very perecptive Antony,” Remington replied smoothly. “You should work for intelligence.” Tony reached the door and shot Laura a nod.

“I’ll see myself out,” he told them. Then, looking at Laura, said, “Look, I’m only going to be in Ireland a few more weeks. That is, if you want to talk.”

“I won’t,” Laura said, finally managing to find her voice. Tony looked back at Mr. Steele whose glare seemed to only have intensified.

“You don’t have to worry about me showing up here.” He promised him. Then, looking back at Laura, “if you want to reach me, I will be at the B&B on Patrick St.” He gave her a half smile and left Laura and Remington in the study.

After another moment of oppressive silence, Laura attempted to speak.

“Rem…”

“Don’t!” Steele said, throwing a hand up as if to physically block her words. His voice, smooth and calculated a moment ago, now cracked with repressed emotion. “Don’t use that name.”

“I’m sorry,” she stumbled, tripping over her words in an attempt to communicate the depth of feeling inside her. She desperately wanted to erase the look of hurt, of utter betrayal from his eyes. He looked completely defeated. “I don’t know how much of that you heard…”

“I heard enough,” he said coldly.

“I handled it badly. I know that. But surely you know I’m not the slightest bit interested in Tony Roselli!”

“I thought I did,” Steele replied, looking anywhere but at her. He sighed heavily, placing his hands in his pockets as if he wasn’t sure what to do with them. “This morning I thought I was more sure of us than I have ever been. Now, I don’t know what to think, or who to believe.”

“Believe _me_ ,” Laura said, her voice quick and insistant. It was as if she were trying to convince him through sheer force of will that everything was okay between them.

“How can I?” Steele asked, the anger creeping into his voice, his calm façade slipping further. “You brought that man into our lives. You encouraged him every step of the way. I looked the other way as he appeared over and over. I shrugged it off when you flaunted him in front of me, or threw yourself at him. I told myself it was a test, or part of the insufferable games that we keep playing with one another. I convinced myself that deep down I knew you. That what you were doing was for show and that in our more private moments, the Laura that I saw was who you really were.”

“It _is_ who I really am,” Laura interrupted. He continued on as if she hadn’t spoken, his words coming fast like bullets. She noticed that when he did remove his hands from his pockets, they were shaking.

“I thought we were finally moving past the games, the lies, the deceptions. I thought the night we…” He trailed off and she saw his jaw clench in an effort to hold himself together. She wanted to go to him and put her arms around him. She wanted to do something – anything to take the hurt from his eyes.

“I didn’t come here to talk to you about Tony,” Steele said quietly. The change in his tone caused her to do a double take. There was something in the way he looked at her that made her feel as f her heart was being ripped from her chest. Even in their darkest moments, he had never looked at her this way before. It wasn’t with anger, or hurt, or any kind of discernable emotion that caused her to feel so alarmed. He looked at her as if she were a complete and total stranger to him. It was as if they hadn’t shared as much as a stick of gum between them. It made her entire body go cold. She could see him drifting away from her and there was nothing she could do to pull him back.

“Rem…Mr. Steele….” She threw up her hands in frustration. “What the hell do I call you right now?” 

A small, hard smile crossed his lips.

“You asked me that once before, remember? When I was being held in that Mexican jail, accused of Norman Keyes’ murder. You looked me right in the eye, after everything we had been through and asked why I didn’t have a name.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. The reminder of that moment made her feel small and insignificant. She had known at the time it was a cruel thing to say to him, but the wounds from his near-wedding to Clarissa and their fake marriage were still fresh. She had never wanted to hurt him more and when her attempts to make him jealous via Tony appeared to fall flat, she had resorted to cheap blows meant to hurt him. It was a part of her past she deeply regretted and could never make up for, no matter how hard she tried.

“I’ve been thinking a lot lately about words,” Steele said, as if he hadn’t even heard her speak. She wondered for a brief moment if he knew she was still there, but the look in his eyes told her that he was all too aware. “Our relationship has been built on words or lack of them in most cases. You’ve only seen a small part of what I went through as a child, but surely you can see how difficult it was for me to trust the things people said to me. I lived my life the same way. I told people how I felt through my actions. After a time, it became clear that if you and I were ever to get anywhere, one of us was going to have to budge. I was going to have to start trusting the words you gave me, and you were going to need to start trusting my actions. So I started to listen to you, and I mean really listen. That night my flat was bombed you thanked me for being me. It was the most incredible thing you had ever said to me, in part because I finally believed you, but also because for once it seemed like you could see me. Not the con man, or the mystery man with no past, but the person I was becoming. You saw the man I wanted so desperately to be for you, for us. I felt you finally looked at me and saw Remington Steele.”

She watched as he walked to the other side of the room and looked out he window, his hands clasped behind his back. To the casual observer, he looked confident and self assured, but Laura could see in the way he stood and the tightness with which he held his hands behind his back the effort he was making to keep his emotions in check. She felt a lump rise in her throat and fought against the tears of her own that threatened. She never imagined she would be able to hurt him so deeply. It was a responsibility she had not asked for, nor wanted. When Wilson had left her, she had never for a second thought their break up caused him more than a minor emotional inconvenience. Perhaps she had thought the same to be true for all men – that they would go from relationship to relationship unscathed leaving the woman behind to pick up the pieces. It had been that way for her mother and every other woman she knew.

But looking at him now, she realized that in a true partnership, a man’s heart could be broken just as irreparably as a woman’s. She wanted to reach out to him, and pull him close, but he kept a careful distance from her as he reached into his pocket and pulled a letter out of it, setting it on the table beside him.

“I believed you. I finally believed in us.” He spoked as if relieving a particularly happy memory of a time that would never come again. The cold feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach intensified. What could possibly be written in that letter? “I realized that if you could give me what I have been looking for all those years, then surely I could do the same. I wanted to do something, to show you…no, to finally tell you just how much you meant to me. So I went out and I bought this.”

He reached into his other pocket and pulled out a small velvet jewelry box. He turned to face her, set it down beside the letter and opened it to reveal an emerald ring.

“It’s stunning,” was all she could think to say. Inside her mind was screaming. Was he trying to tell her that he had purchased an engagement ring after the Perenial Insurance case? And if so, what had stopped him?

“I wanted to give it to you right away,” he told her, the sharpness in his tone softening ever so slightly, “but something just kept coming up. Case after case, I tried to find the right time. But something held me back.”

“Was that why you asked if I wanted to pursue this line of work the rest of my life after my building manager attacked?”

She thought back to that case and shuddered slightly as she remembered just how close their enemies had gotten to both of them and how narrowly they had managed to avoid death. She remembered how he had almost asked her outright if she would leave her job if she had a child, and then backed off when she had called him on it. At the time, she had chalked his comments about a woman’s place being in the bedroom to clumsy innuendo, but maybe it had been more than that. Had he been trying to figure out their next steps and she had missed it?

“I didn’t realize it at the time,” he admitted with a rueful smile, “but that little encounter had shaken me. I’ve always thought of myself as a modern man and part of your appeal, Laura, was your independence. But that independence can come with a price and we almost paid it that day. It scared me. I wanted it to scare you, but it only seemed to make you more determined. So again, I held back. When we went to that damned Sensitivity Spa, I had wanted to do it then. But after our fight, I hesitated. It felt as if you still didn’t trust me. I wanted to give you the words you needed, but part of me knew that it wouldn’t be enough. You weren’t ready yet. So I held onto it. Waiting, biding my time. It wasn’t until our deaths were faked and I was forced to really look at who I had become that I realized I didn’t want to wait any longer. I wanted the rest of my life to start now.”

He chuckled softy and Laura could see his blue eyes soften, revealing a deep sadness.

“The INS came to my door the next day threatening to deport me. I wanted to go to you so very badly, but I knew that if I asked you to marry me then you would never believe that it wasn’t simply part of another scheme. And so I made the biggest mistake of my life and asked Clarissa. I didn’t realize that I would need to be married for two years in order for the INS to believe its legitimacy. I figured a quick marriage, and an even quicker annaulment and we would be back on track. I was so damn eager to begin the rest of my life with you, that I made the biggest mistake of my life – a mistake I regret to this day.”

“Why…” Laura took a deep breath and gathered the courage to cross the room to where he was standing. The anger seemed to have left him for the time being, but he still looked at her as if she were someone he no longer knew. “Why are you telling me this now?”

“Because I want it all out on the table,” he replied, a curtain coming down across his features. He stood up straight smoothing the wrinkles from his clothing. “No more lies, no more secrets. I’ve laid myself bare, Laura. I thought…I thought it would make it easier for me.”

“Make what easier?” She asked, her entire body feeling cold and numb. He had a resoluteness in his voice that frightened her. She felt an anger rise within her that she couldn’t hold back. If he was going to leave, she wasn’t about to make it easy on him. “Make it easier to walk away? Is that what this is all about? When things get tough, you decide to cut and run?”

“I’m not the one keeping another man around as a back up, in case her current relationship doesn’t work out,” he shot back, intense anger flashing through his eyes.

“You know damn well that wasn’t what I was doing,” she cried, unable to keep her voice from rising. “I don’t have feelings for Tony. I never did.”

“Then who did you lie to, Laura? Him? Me? Can you really expect me to trust your words when you throw them around so casually?”

“What the hell does that mean?” She demanded. She didn’t know who she was angrier at, herself for not having the courage to own up to her mistakes, or Mr. Steele for not being able to trust in what they had together.

“It means I heard you in here only moments ago,” he said vehemently. Their bodies were inches apart now and she could feel the fury coming off him in waves. This was about more than just Tony. She desperately wanted to know what else was fueling his anger, but feared asking. “Did you really tell Tony Roselli you had feelings for him days before you and I…”

He trailed off again and looked away. Laura suddenly realized he had been trying to say the words ‘made love’, but couldn’t seem to get them past his lips. He stepped back and cleared his throat.

“Before we spent the night together?” She filled in for him, unable to say the words herself lest they somehow destroy the small fragile thread that still connected them. The memory of that first night together flashed through her mind suddenly and viscerally. In an instant she could smell the scent of his skin, feel the solidness of his body pressed urgently against hers. She remembered how his hands had made her feel, his lips, his tongue. Her breath seemed to leave her as she thought of the way it had felt when he entered her – slow, but oh so strong and sure. She thought about how it had felt to watch him lose control, not just physically, but emotionally as well. How could one ill timed comment destroy all that?

Couldn’t he feel the heat that seemed to radiate between them, even when they fought? Did he also feel his breath coming in short pants as their bodies seemed to know what their hearts still had yet to figure out?

“Did you, or did you not tell him you had feelings for him?” He asked her, his eyes boring into hers. Laura felt her heart racing and she battled to calm it down. Her body and her mind seemed to be in completely different scenarios. The fullness of his lips and the intensity of his gaze was enough to make her want to pull him close, undo his jeans and relieve both their tensions in a way that was entirely carnal.

The look in his eye told her that part of him felt the same way, which only made her want to do it even more. But the rational part of her brain told her the problems between them would remain, regardless of what their bodies were telling them to do.

“Yes,” she breathed back, hating herself as she did so. “I did.”

“Why?” He asked, closing the gap between them even further until she was almost pressed tightly against his chest. The soft scent of his aftershave almost undid her completely and she fought to maintain control of herself. There was something about him, looming over her, his body a physical manifestation of the inner turmoil they both felt.

He reached out, as if to caress her, and pulled his hand back upon realizing what he had been about to to. He was so near, so close, so utterly and perfectly touchable. Only moments ago he had looked at her as if she were nothing to him. Now, despite their anger at each other, neither of them could bring themselves to look away.

“I was angry,” she said, when she finally managed to force herself to speak. “I was still so angry and so hurt about Clarissa. Every time I closed me eyes, all I could see was you standing next to her in that church. All I could think about was how betrayed I felt. We hadn’t had any time to stop and really address what happened and all of a sudden I was expected to act like your loving devoted wife? I was furious!”

“Damn it, Laura, you know I didn’t have any feelings for Clarissa,” he exclaimed. She stepped back and found herself pressed up against the wall, her head tilting up to look at him. The moment she did this, she felt their bodies connect and it almost destroyed her. His chest was hard, and she could feel his heart beating furiously underneath his clothes. If he was affected by her at all, he didn’t show it. She shook her head, refusing to allow his physical proximity to confuse her this way.

“Of course I knew that!” She exclaimed, her own fury overtaking her as she thought back to that day. “That’s why it hurt so badly!”

“Come again?” He said, clearly confused.

“You almost married her! You almost married someone you barely knew! Don’t you understand? It could have been Mildred, for all I care! You were in trouble – deep trouble and instead of coming to me so we could fix it together, you shut me out!” She ran a hand through her hair, as if to physically banish the memory and the hurt it had caused from her mind. But the anger had resurfaced now, as had the feelings of hurt and betrayal. She had thought the last few days had caused her to move beyond that feeling, but there it was alive and white hot inside her. “I thought we had gotten to a place where we trusted each other. I thought you could tell me anything! And then you go and do that….”

She trailed off, unable to look at him. The closeness of his body, so enticing seconds ago now felt oppressive. Hot, angry tears cascaded down her face. He stepped back, as if unsure of what to do with her.

The Laura Holt he knew did not cry in front of him. She had spent so much time crafting a persona that did not break down this way, that to cry in front of him like this was as humiliating as it was frightening. The loss of control was something she was entirely unfamiliar with.

“I wanted to punish you! I wanted to hate you, but I couldn’t. Do you know how terrifying that was? To realize that you could utterly destroy me and I couldn’t anything to stop you? And then there was still the INS to contend with. You needed to be married to a US citizen so I did what I always do. I assessed the situation and found the most practical solution.”

Her breathing was slowing now, as she said out loud everything she had kept bottled inside since their faked marriage on the fishing boat. He had stepped back, giving them some much needed space.

“When I used to think of what it would be like if I ever got married, the last thing I imagined was that I would be standing next to a man who had just broken my heart on a fishing boat, reeking and filthy. I thought maybe we could talk it through afterwards, but there was no time. We had to pretend to be married and the more we pretended, the angrier I got. I felt like the whole world’s vision of what it meant to be married included me giving up everything that mattered to me. My name, my hard work, my autonomy. Clients suddenly assuming I had slept my way into my job. You calling me ‘the little woman’. It was all too much. I withdrew. From you, from myself, from everything. Even as we talked about taking the next step in Mexico, I couldn’t look at you the same way. When you took the jeep to go into Las Hadas, I was relieved you were gone. I was just so angry. I didn’t even know how angry I was until Tony came along.”

“Why the hell didn’t you just talk to me, Laura?” He asked quietly. His eyes had gone dark again and he seemed to have retreated back inside himself.

Laura, however, was radiating with anger and barely noticed.

“How could I when I didn’t even realize how I felt?” She retorted. “I had no idea just how hurt I was…how broken. When I first brought Tony into that hotel room I wanted to get a reaction, but I didn’t realize just how much I wanted you to hurt you the way you hurt me. When you didn’t react, I….I just pulled back even further.”

She shook her head sadly.

“I let him in. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t want to. But you didn’t seem to want to fight for us, and he was there. He was there and he was…uncomplicated.”

“I’m not sure I want to hear this,” Steele interrupted shortly. Laura’s head shot up, and she felt a thrill of anger run through her. How dare he dictate what he did and did not want to hear?

“No, you never do, do you?” She shot back. “You always say you let actions speak louder than words, and that words don’t mean anything but I don’t think that’s true at all. I think words terrify you. It’s much easier to hide behind romantic gestures and fancy gifts than it is to truly be honest with yourself, or trust others to do the same. But you can’t have it both ways. You wanted me to look at your actions and I did. All I saw was a man who didn’t trust me enough to tell me when he had a problem. A man who lied, and deceived me. A man who forced me to risk my entire livelihood, not to mention fabricate a marriage I never wanted in the first place!”

The moment those words left her lips, Laura regretted them. He stepped back as if she had physically slapped him. The look in his eyes told her that she had deeply wounded him.

“I’m sorry,” she said with a shake of her head. “I didn’t mean…”

“I think you did,” he interrupted. His voice shook slightly as he spoke. “And you’re right. We never should have attempted this charade.”

He turned from her, and there was something so final in the way that he spoke that she felt herself reach out for his hand, trying anything to keep him connected to her. Their fingers touched briefly and then he pulled away.

“Why did you come looking for me?” She asked, fearing that his answer would only drive him further away.

She watched as his shoulders seemed to slump and a weariness appeared to engulf his entire body. He picked up the letter that he had previously placed on the table and handed it to her. He turned away and gave a deep sigh as he sat down on the setee, running a hand over his face.

Laura looked at the piece of paper in her hands. Her eyes were immediately drawn to the signature at the bottom. Her heart froze as she skimmed the contents of the letter, including Daniel’s plea to Mr. Steele not to be angry with her for not telling him about his illness. Suddenly it all made sense.

He had come to her, likely feeling confused and betrayed about Daniel only to find her with Tony. He looked broken and scared – like a child. She wanted to comfort him, but had no idea what to say that wouldn’t make things worse.

“I don’t know what to say,” she finally admitted.

“That makes two of us,” he replied quietly. She noticed he hadn’t dared to look at her since handing her the letter. It was almost as if he were afraid of what might happen between them if he did. “When Daniel told me he was my father, I felt angrier than I had ever felt towards anyone in my life. He knew how badly I wanted to know where I came from. He knew and he kept it from me. For twenty years he kept it from me. I tried to forgive him. Just before he died, I tried to be okay with it. But I’m not. I’m still angry. I’m bloody furious and the worst part is that he’s not here. He’s not here for me to hate, or to forgive. He’s just…gone.”

She watched as he bowed his head, in an attempt to hide a tear that escaped down his cheek. The pain that she could see in his expression and his voice, so naked and raw caused her own heart to break alongside him. How could she have thought keeping Daniel’s secret was acceptable? And how could she ever make it right?

“I wanted to tell you,” she whispered, knowing how inadequate her words were now.

“Then why didn’t you?” He asked, the hardness settling back into his expression. His shoulders were tight with tension. “No, you know what? I don’t want to know. It doesn’t matter why you did it. You took something from me. Something I can never have back. There are so many answers he could have given me. So many things I could have asked him if I had had just one more day. You could have given me that day and instead you looked me right in the eye and kept it to yourself. You kept your secrets about Daniel and about Tony and to hell with anyone else.”

“That’s not fair!” She cried out. “The last thing I ever wanted to do was keep Daniel’s secret. I wanted to tell you the moment I found out, but I knew that if you heard it from me you might never forgive him. And yes, part of it was selfishness. I didn’t want you to resent me for telling you. I had no idea that he was so close to the end. He seemed so alive. I thought…I thought there was time.”

“That’s always been our problem, hasn’t it?” He said bitterly. “We keep thinking there’s time. I don’t even get to mourn the man properly because part of me is filled with this uncontrollable anger. Do you know what that’s like for me? And now when I look at you, that’s all I feel. All I can see is what you took from me. How you lied to me.”

“It hurts, doesn’t it?” Laura gave a short laugh as she realized they had both come full circle. Their individual lies and betrayals had caused this massive rift between them that no amount of passionate nights together could fix. Was there a way around it? Laura wasn’t sure. All she knew was that she understood the hurt on his face more than she ever wanted to. It was still there for her. After everything that had happened, she could still remember how she felt the day she saw him almost marry Clarissa.

“You think this is the same?” He asked, voice rising as he stood up off the couch and strode towards her. Surprised by his movement, she took a step backwards without even realizing she had done it. Once again they were eye to eye, their bodies only inches apart.

“No, it isn’t,” she admitted, “but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

“You could have told me,” he said softly. “You had the power to change my entire life. You could have given me something I have been searching for for as long as I can remember. You could have said _something._ ”

He gave her a sad smile.

“It’s funny. I keep thinking of words and actions as two fundamentally different things, but they aren’t, are they? Throughout our entire relationship I’ve failed to say the things you needed to hear. I thought my deeds were enough, but all it took was a single action of mine that caused me to lose you. I thought we could find each other again, that I could make it up to you, but I didn’t realize just how deep the damage went. I didn’t even notice that you had stopped talking to me. I was so focused on this fake marriage and the honeymoon and everything else that I didn’t notice. And when you uncovered the most important secret of my life, you said nothing. Nothing.”   
  
He shook his head and gave a bitter laugh.

“You’re right. Words are terrifying.”

Without thinking, Laura reached out to him. She was shocked when he took her in his arms, and held her so tightly it was hard to breathe. It was almost as if he were desperately trying to hold onto something that they both knew was slipping through their fingers. She pulled back and allowed herself to be drawn into a deep, searching kiss.

She felt her entire body awaken as his hands roamed desperately down her body. She stifled a soft cry as he pressed gently but insistently against her. Neither one of them wanted to pull back, for they both knew that if they did, it might be for the last time.

Without even realizing she was doing it, she slipped her hands under his sweater and felt the warmth of his skin against her fingers. He seemed to vibrate everywhere she touched him. She wanted to remove his clothing and feel every part of his skin against hers.

His chest rumbled as he gave a slow moan and pulled reluctantly away. She could see his breathing was laboured, as hers was. It was the first time ever that he seemed angry at his own arousal.

“What…” she swallowed hard, not sure she wanted to ask her next question, but knowing she had to. “What do we do now?”

“I don’t know,” he said as he ran his hands through his hair. His voice was raw and there was real pain in his eyes along with an undercurrant of desire that refused to abate.

“All I know is I can’t keep doing this… _we_ can’t keep doing this.”

“Are you saying you want to walk away?” Laura asked, trying desperately not to let him see her fall apart. If this was the end of their relationship she would not give him the satisfaction of knowing just how much it devastated her. If the dissolution of her relationship with Wilson had taught her anything, it was not to let anyone see you bleed. She had kept her heartbreak close to the chest then, in order to preserve her pride. The pain she had felt at the time was nothing compared to what she felt now. How would she surivive it, if this was it between them? After everything they had gone through, how could it come crashing down so easily?

“I don’t know,” Remington replied. His eyes seemed to blaze with a frenzy of emotion that he struggled to control. She could see there was a war raging inside him. “All I know is I need space. I need a break from…this.”

“What the hell does that mean?” She demanded, eyes blazing with anger.

“I love you, God knows I love you.” He ground out, “But I don’t think that’s enough anymore. Maybe it never was. I look at you, and I can’t trust you.”

“That’s not fair!” Laura said, her voice rising as she fought to quell the hysteria that threatened to overwhelm her. “I have spent four years trying to trust you. I have risked everything I have, including my career for us. Every time Murphy warned me not to, every time my own instincts told me to walk away, I ignored them because you asked me to give you a chance to change. You asked me to believe in you and I have – to the point of insanity! And you want to walk away because I made a mistake? After all that you’ve done?”

“I don’t want to walk away,” he rounded on her, his voice matching hers in volume. “That’s the last thing I ever wanted. I wanted to be your partner in every sense of the word but you wouldn’t let me in. Even after everything we have been through you are still shutting me out. Do you know that I haven’t been with another woman since we started seeing each other? I have kept myself committed to you in body, mind and soul. You were all I ever wanted, but every time things get tough between us, you seem to want to jump ship. I remember every single one of them. Butch Bemis, William Westfield…Tony sure as hell isn’t the first, though he certainly hurts the most. And then to find out on top of it all, you knew about Daniel….To keep something that important from me tells me you don’t know me at all. And I wonder if you ever did.”

“How could I, when you wouldn’t let me?” Laura yelled back. “You closed yourself off from me from day one! Every time I tried to find out who you were you shut the door in my face. Maybe I did turn to other men, but it’s because I never felt you were really here. How the hell was I supposed to know how you felt when you wouldn’t tell me? And I know I made mistakes, but you did too. You want to talk trust? How do you think it felt to know that in the most important moment of your life, you turned to a hooker instead of me?”

She hadn’t even realized she was shaking until he put his hands over her arms and held her still. His blue eyes stared deep into hers and Laura saw the depth of both of their pain reflected. His voice was hoarse.

“We can’t keep doing this to each other,” he whispered. “You and I both know that. Do you know how badly I want to take you into the bedroom, throw you down and make love to you? I want to thrust myself inside you and make you call out my name until there’s no question how either of us feel.”

“Then why don’t you?” She asked, slightly breathless at the image his suggestion provoked. Maybe talking was the last thing they needed. Maybe they just needed their bodies to discover what their hearts already knew. “Fighting hasn’t gotten us anywhere. We might as well try…”

“Because I’m not that kind of man,” he interrupted. She watched as his entire body seemed to close itself off to her. She stood, trapped within his embrace and watched as he seemed to hollow out in front of her. A weariness overtook him and she resisted the urge to melt into his arms. This was not the time.   
  
He let her go and walked towards the door. He waited until he got there, before he looked back. Laura wondered if it was because he was afraid of what he might do if he did.

“And I have no name.”

The anguish in his words, cut deep. She could see by the look in his eyes that even if he came back to LA with her, things might never be the same. She felt a desperation overcome her which frightened her. When Wilson had walked away, she had let him go. She was hurt and angry and devastated, but she hadn’t thought for a moment to fight to get him to stay.

But as he reached for the door, she was unable to stop herself from crying out.

“Wait…don’t go.” She allowed the tears to fall, letting him see for the first time how truly vulnerable she was. She needed him to know just how much he meant to her. She couldn’t just let it all fall apart without a fight. “Remington, please. Please don’t go. I love you. Doesn’t that count for anything?”

“Words, Laura,” he whispered hoarsely. “Just words.”

Turning away, he exited the room, leaving Laura alone as the sobs overtook her.


	13. Chapter 13

Tony Roselli was surprised when, the following morning, he received a knock on his hotel room door. He was even more surpised – and more than a little disappointed – when the person on the other side of the door turned out to be Remington Steele.

His eyes widened as he took in the site of him. While he couldn’t lay claim to any intimate knowledge of the man, the experiences he’d had with him suggested that Remington Steele was a man of impeccable taste and grooming. The type of man who would never lower himself to purchasing clothing off the rack and would find himself very out of his element in anything less than a five star hotel.

The man standing before him contradicted every single one of those assumptions, from the disheveled appearance, to the five o clock shadow, the rumpled clothing and the bags under his eyes, indicating that he hadn’t slept at all the night before. What really struck Tony was the haunted look on the man’s face – as if he had been stripped of everything that mattered to him.

It was that look and the fact that Steele was standing right in front of him that caused Tony to assume that something had happened between Steele and Laura. He wasn’t sure what that something was, or the role that he had played in it, but the fact that he had chosen to come here, could only mean one thing.

As Steele stepped inside without waiting for an invitation, Tony threw up his hands in an attempt to show Steele that he if he intended violence, he would respond in kind. Steele’s jaw twitched as he brushed past Tony and helped himself to the fresh pot of coffee that Tony had just finished brewing.

“Relax, Antony,” Steele said dryly as he took a swig of black coffee. He grimaced and set the cup down. “I’ve no intention of engaging you in another pointless pugilistic exercise.”

“That’s good,” Tony replied, not entirely sure what Steele had said, but assuming it meant he wasn’t here to clean his clock. “Cause I don’t feel like kicking your ass again.”

Steele smirked but said nothing asTony shut the door and helped himself to a coffee as well. An awkward silence descended as the two men eyed each other warily. Eventually, his curiosity got the better of him.

“So, if you aren’t here to fight, what can I do for you? I can’t imagine this is a social call.”

“Indeed not,” Steele replied crisply. Tony noticed that even though his language remained upper class, there was an edge to his voice that he had never noticed before. Being in intelligence, Tony had always felt he was good at reading people and yet the man sitting in front of him was definitely not the man he had originally taken him to be. There was a darkness in Steele, that he hadn’t seen before. It was surprising to think he had been able to conceal it so well under a veneer of wealth and status. “I need a favour from you.”

“A favour?” Tony couldn’t keep the surprise out of his voice. The last thing he had expected was for Remington Steele to ask him for a favour.

He watched as the man took another slow drink from the paper coffee cup while he gathered his thoughts. Once again, he saw that haunted look pass across Steele’s features, only to be buried as quickly as it came.

“Is it something to do with Laura?” He asked, trying to prompt him into supplying further information. It felt as if Steele barely knew he was in the room, he was so consumed by his own thoughts.

“Laura, yes,” Steele said softly. He cleared his throat and took a deep breath. “Look, Antony, I don’t know what happened between you and Laura, and I don’t want to know. I know you are aware that our marriage isn’t exactly….”

“You mean it’s as phony as a three dollar bill,” Tony interrupted.

“The marriage is fake,” Steele acknowledged, his voice hardening as if to warn Tony not to push the topic. “But our relationship is real….was real. For the last five years we have been…trying.” He trailed off as if not sure of how much more he should say.

Tony noted the use of the past tense when Steele spoke of his relationship with Laura. He wanted to question it further but felt that if he pushed too hard, Steele might not tell him what he wanted. And for some bizarre reason, Tony genuinely wanted to know what it was. 

“I’m not sure what I can do for you Steele,” Tony said, keeping a breezy tone in his voice. “If you want me to apologize for coming onto Laura, then you’re barking up the wrong tree. I’m more than happy to back off if that’s what _she_ wants, but if she sent you here as her messenger…”

“It’s nothing like that,” Steele interrupted quietly but with a finality in his tone that brooked little argument. “Miss Holt is free to do, or see, anyone she pleases. I don’t pretend to lay claim to her emotions. If I did, I wouldn’t be here asking you for a favour.”

“I’m lost, Steele,” Tony admitted. “What do you need me to do?”

“I’m going away for a little while,” Steele told him, his voice suddenly all business. “I have things I need to take care of on my own. I have written Laura a letter attempting to explain things, but I have a feeling that it won’t be enough for her. I’m worried she will try to follow me and what I am about to do is dangerous. I don’t want to drag her into it.”

“Why tell her at all then?” Tony wondered. “Why not just disappear right now?”

“I have my reasons,” Steele said quietly. “And if you claim to know her at all, you will know that Laura Holt is not the kind of woman who will give up that easily – letter or no letter.”

“I still don’t understand where I fit in,” Tony replied with a shrug.

Steele gave a long sigh and crumpled the cup in his hand. He stood up and looked Tony directly in the eye. The bleakness in his expression caused Tony to feel unexpected pity for the man.

“If Laura figures out what I’m up to, she will come to you for help.” He lifted a hand as he spoke to prevent Tony from asking further questions. “Don’t ask me how, just trust me. I know her. And you will be the only person who would be able to help her. I want you to do your best to dissuade her. Use whatever means necessary.”

“And if she doesn’t listen?” Tony wondered. He might not know a lot about Laura Holt, but one thing he did know was that she was a very stubborn woman. “What then? Hold her down and tie her up?”

Steele shook his head, running a hand through his already dishevelled hair. It was as if he were wrestling with something he couldn’t vocalise aloud.

“If she insists on coming after me, I want you to go with her.” He said after a moment’s silence. “Someone will need to keep her safe, and you are the only one who will be able to do it. You’ll understand why that is, if and when, she comes to you.”

Tony watched in stunned silence as he stood up, threw the cup in the trash can and headed for the door. Before leaving, he turned back and spoke once more.

“Look, whatever has happened between you and I, Antony…it doesn’t matter. None of it matters. The only thing I care about is making sure she’s safe. That’s your only job.”

“And what if I say no?” Tony asked, finding his voice at last. “You’re asking a lot of me, Steele. I know you missed a good part of the conversation yesterday, but Laura didn’t exactly welcome me with open arms. She told me she wasn’t interested. What makes you think I wanna stick around and protect a woman who would rather be with you, while you go off to do God knows what?”

A weak smile passed over Steele’s face at the mention of Laura not welcoming Tony with open arms. He cleared his throat.

“You’re right, I can’t make you do any of this,” he admitted. “But if you care about Laura at all, you will. It’s just the price we pay, mate.”

The door shut with a quiet click, leaving Tony to ponder Steele’s words.


	14. Chapter 14

Laura Holt thought she knew what heartbreak felt like. When Wilson left her, it had come as a complete shock. At the time, she had been completely devastated. Her entire world had been turned on it’s axis and she had dealt with it the only way she knew how – by pouring her heartache into her work, isolating herself from family and friends and shutting herself down emotionally.

It had been one of the most difficult times in her life, but after a few months had passed, she rejoined the world, connecting again with those closest to her. She and Murphy Michaels revisited the idea of starting another private detective agency after the failure of Laura Holt Investigations.

She went out, bought office space and came up with the name feeling invigorated for the first time since her break up. She thought her newfound purpose had meant her wounds had healed and she was ready to move on with her life.

It was only now, in the wake of her argument with Mr. Steele that she realized she had not really known what real heartbreak felt like at all, nor had she actually healed from that first break up. All she had managed to do was learn how to hide her emotions and bury her fears. She’d learned how to lock herself off from the rest of the world, concealing her heart from those closest to her.

And boy had it come back to bite her.

All this time she thought that Mr. Steele was the one who was holding back. For the last five years she kept telling herself that if only he would tell her how he really felt, then she could finally trust him.

But she knew now that she had set him up to fail from day one. No declaration of love would have been enough to soothe the lost little girl inside of her. She knew that now, just as she knew that there was not a single thing she could have said or done to show Mr. Steele that she hadn’t meant to betray his trust.

The damage the two of them were carrying around was imbedded so deep that neither one of them had been capable of truly revealing themselves to the other. As a result, they had been systematically tearing each other apart for the last five years.

It was her fault as much as it was his. She had made Steele responsible for healing a wound he had not caused and couldn’t possibly know how to repair. With each failure, she had punished him more and more until trust became impossible for either of them.

She knew the moment he had overheard her with Tony that the last thread connecting them had finally snapped, causing an avalanche of old feelings, hurts and resentments to be dragged back out into the light.

She had been forced to examine her own behavior and reaction to the false marriage between her and Mr. Steele, and she had to admit that she didn’t like what she saw. And it wasn’t Tony’s fault, or Clarissa’s, or Shannon’s or any other woman or man from their pasts. It was the fact that deep down, Laura still feared that Steele was just like Wilson and Wilson had been just like her father.

And even though she hated that Steele had been right that day during their argument at the Sensitivity Spa, it all came down to that. Laura’s first and only example of a marriage had been her parents and her father had left without a single thought. Not only had he abandoned her mother, but his two children as well. It was a hurt that no child should ever have to feel and perhaps it was the reason she empathised so deeply with Steele’s own traumatic childhood. She knew what it was like to feel as if she didn’t matter.

It hadn’t mattered how well she had done at school, how agreeable she had been or how talented an athlete she was. In the end, she simply hadn’t been enough. She hadn’t been worthy of the one person who was supposed to love her unconditionally. Laura knew it shouldn’t be her fault, but part of her still felt sixteen years old, and that longing was still there – that need to be worthy of love. 

And it was back now with a vengeance. Almost a week had gone by since Remington had told her that her declaration of love was nothing but meaningless words. They hadn’t spent the night in the same bed since and Laura was beginning to fear they never would again. He spent his days preparing for something, and Laura spent her own doing what she did best – following him, and trying to figure out what he was up to.

Mildred had kept her distance throughout most of the week, though Laura had asked her to do the odd errand for her. The older woman seemed to sense that this fight went deeper than the others, because she hadn’t asked any questions, nor taken any sides. She simply made herself available for both of them when they needed her and spent the rest of her time with Mickeline prepareing to turn the Castle into a B&B when the Steele’s finally left.

The thing was, Laura wasn’t sure what was going to happen. In truth, she could have gone back to Los Angeles days ago, and probably should have. Every day she spent in Ireland, was a day lost back home. The Agency had never been shut down this long, but Laura didn’t feel right returning back to it without Mr. Steele.

She made a couple of attempts to speak with him but was met with distant responses and requests for space. She honored those requests in name only, watching his every move from a distance to try and figure out what he was up to.

He was planning to leave – she could figure out that much. She had skimmed Daniel’s letter when he had given it to her, and she had seen in the letter that the woman Daniel had been working with was actually a relative of Steele’s. She didn’t need to spy on Steele to assume that he had planned to help her in some fashion. She knew Daniel had been trying to help her get her father back and that her father had gone missing as he tried to smuggle people back through the iron curtain.

Laura had a sinking feeling that Steele would try to take up that quest as a way to finish what Daniel started. She also knew that going into Moscow at a time like this was a very dangerous prospect.

She had no doubt that Steele would know how to get phony identification, passports and whatever else he may need if that truly was his intention. And that knowledge had never made her feel more conflicted. Part of her wanted to follow him wherever he went and part of her was terrified about what that would mean for her agency.

It was never a conscious choice that she made, nor was it something she had voiced aloud. Every time Mildred asked her when she planned to return to LA, Laura evaded the question. Deep down, she knew it could be weeks, maybe even months before she returned and there was a very good chance Mr. Steele would not return with her.

Being gone too long could even kill the business once and for all – a fact that Laura tried her hardest to ignore as she made her own plans and preparations. She knew everything she was risking and for the first time since she was a small child, she felt that she had finally found something that was worth truly risking her heart.

She knew now that her feelings for Wilson Jeffries had never truly been love. She’d thought she loved him, but she hadn’t risked anything for him. She had never really put her own heart on the line. She’d cared for him, sure, but it wasn’t the same. Perhaps deep down Wilson had known she was holding back. When he had left, it had hurt, but she realized now that the hurt had more to do with her own feelings of inadequacy than they did her feelings for Wilson. In truth, Wilson could have been anybody.

It had taken her years to find someone she felt was worth risking it all for and now that she finally understood what that meant, she wasn’t prepared to give up without a fight. She knew that Mr. Steele was hurting badly and that they had both inflicted wounds they couldn’t possibly heal overnight. But she also knew that she wasn’t about to let him run away. She knew the price that she had paid all these years keeping her heart locked down so tightly that not even those closest to her knew how she truly felt.

She also knew how incredibly loving and generous Mr. Steele was and that if he hid that part of himself away from the world, the world would be poorer for the loss. She knew that she wanted to spend the rest of her life showing Remington just how much she loved him, even if it took a lifetime for him to do the same.

She just didn’t know how to break through to him after everything they had done and said to one another. She didn’t even know where he was half the time, and when she did find him, he barely spoke to her.

That was the part that hurt the most. Every time she ran into him, or saw him on the Castle grounds he barely looked at her. It was as if he was afraid that even making eye contact would cause him to break. Laura had never felt this far away from him – not even during the year that she had attempted to put the breaks on their relationship. He had simply pulled away from her in body, mind and soul.

The bed wasn’t the same without him next to her. They hadn’t spent many nights in it together, but Laura couldn’t imagine spending the rest of her nights without him. It wasn’t just the lovemaking she missed, it was the physical closeness – the knowledge that his body was right next to hers, warm, and loving.

How could she make things right? How could she get him to look her fully in the eye again? The worst part of it was that she knew that he was already grieving the loss of Daniel and that her own betrayal had only added to his hurt. The last thing she had ever wanted to do was hurt him, and yet that is exactly what she had done.

She never thought that the worst part of losing him would be the knowledge that she had caused him pain. She had always thought of her own potential pain first and foremost. Now, it was almost a secondary consideration as she went over and over in her mind the damage she had caused him.

They headed towards the end of the weak of not speaking and Laura knew she had to make some tough descisions. Mildred had told her that her presence here was no longer needed. Mickeline and the servants had everything they needed by way of paperwork to convert the building and their presence was fast becoming a hinderance, rather than a help.

“We gotta think about the agency, Miss Holt,” Mildred said to her one morning. Days had passed and Laura’s heart sunk with the knowledge that she couldn’t continue this way. Her agency wouldn’t survive a closure that lasted too much longer.

“I know Mildred,” she said with a soft sigh. “I just…I can’t imagine leaving him. Not now, not like this.”

“Honey, you know I have always been team Mr. and Mrs. Steele, but there are some things you can’t fix.” Mildred spoke gently, as if Laura was a small child. The kid gloves only made her heart ache more. “This one might be something he has to work out on his own.”

“That’s not how we do things,” Laura said stubbornly. “We tried that, and it never works. We are stronger together, Mildred, I know that now. I just need to get him to see it.”

“And what happens if you wait too long and have nothing to go back to?” Mildred pointed out. “I know you love him. I’ve seen it. And I am sure he loves you, but sometimes that’s not enough. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but…”

“You’re right, I don’t.” Laura said, as she stood up and began to pace. “Look, if you’re worried about your job…”

“Oh, honey I don’t care about my job!” Mildred exclaimed. Then, upon seeing the look on Laura’s face, she added. “I have savings and a resume as long as my arm. I haven’t stayed at the agency this long because I need the money.”

“So what do you think I should do?” Laura asked, trying desperately to fight back the surge of emotions running through her. Part of her wanted to just let go, and collapse into the older woman’s arms and cry until she had no tears left. She had never told Mildred this, but ever since she had joined the agency, Laura had looked up to her. She had never really had a role model as a child, since most of the women she knew only wanted to be wives and mothers. Right from the start Mildred had impressed Laura with her take no prisoners attitude, but also her warmth and innate understanding of the ups and downs of her and Mr. Steele’s relationship.

She had also, infuriatingly, always been Mr. Steele’s biggest cheerleader. It had been something that had driven Laura crazy at first, and then eventually something she had relied on in order to bring her back down to Earth whenever she started to doubt that the two of them could make things work. She was always the one reminding Laura that he was there because he wanted to be – that she just needed to trust and have faith that they would make it.

Laura had honestly expected Mildred to be the one urging her to go after him, and here she was telling her it might be time to throw in the towel.

She didn’t know what to think. Had she really broken things between them beyond repair? To think that Mildred had given up on them made her want to curl up in a ball and stay there until she could no longer feel anything at all.

“I don’t have the answers, Miss Holt,” Mildred was saying sadly. “All I know is how hard you’ve worked for this. I’ve seen how much your agency means to you. And I know you and Mr. Steele have always worked things out in the past and I don’t want to be negative, but…it’s different this time. It’s like a light has gone out in him. Now I don’t know exactly what happened between you, but I do know that he lost a father, and a very dear friend all at once and he’s grieving. And that doesn’t fix itself overnight.”

“You think we should go back to LA,” Laura concluded so quietly she wasn’t sure if Mildred had heard her. She had though, because Laura saw her nod ever so slightly. If her heart could break all over again, it would have. The description that Mildred had given of Mr. Steele caused her more pain than she ever thought possible.

 _I should be there with him!_ She thought fiercely. _He can’t do this alone._

“I think we should do what’s best for the agency,” Mildred agreed. “If it means as much to him as it does to you, he’ll come back.”

“And if he doesn’t?” Laura said, trying to stop the tremor in her voice.

Mildred, sensing how fragile her emotions were, pulled her into a tight, comforting hug.

“Then you have the agency. You have your friends, and you have me. Everything else you can build from the ground up. This will not destroy you. You have to believe that.”

Laura pulled back and gave a curt nod.

“I’ll book a flight tomorrow morning,” she said after a moment’s silence. “But for now, I want to be alone.”

“Sure thing, honey,” Mildred replied. “I’ll go start packing.”


	15. Chapter 15

Remington took a deep breath and knocked on the door of the hotel that Marissa Peters had been staying in.

She opened it and ushered him in without speaking. In the last week, the two of them had developed a tenuous friendship that Remington was grateful for. He wasn’t sure what would happen when he told her who he really was and what their relationship was to one another. He still wasn’t used to the fact that he had a living breathing relative with which he could speak to and get to know.

She had been able to tell him some stories about his mother, who she had known up until the age of sixteen. Steele hadn’t realized just how much he had craved information about his mother until now.

He had been told from an early age his mother was dead and he processed that loss by filing it away in the darker recesses of his mind. If he would never get to meet the woman, why bother grieving her?

His father, however had always been a question mark – a possibility in his mind from a young age. Because of that, Steele had focused entirely on finding him. When he was young, he simply wanted someone to take him in and care for him – a real family connection like he saw in the movies.

Then, as each year passed without him, Steele’s anger began to grow. By the time he reached adolescence it had almost consumed him. It was easier to feel anger than sadness and Steele refused to give in to grief.

Ironically now that he had found, and lost his father, he discovered that he wanted to finally know and grieve his mother as well.

The information, however small, that Marissa provided him was both soothing and painful at the same time. It was like opening a wound and putting a bandage over it all at once. To know that his mother had loved him and had desperately wanted him filled a hole inside him that he hadn’t even known was there.

And yet she was gone. And she had been gone for his entire life. He would never get to know that love – would never feel her arms around him, or hear her voice. And with Daniel gone too, Marissa was the only person other than her father, who had known her.

He suspected it was the reason she was so eager to provide whatever information she could about his mother. When he had first approached her, she wasn’t sure if she could trust him. After all, she had known Daniel was a con-man and Steele was very clearly his protégé. At first, she thought this was just an attempt to con her out of whatever money he thought she might have had.

After showing her the letter Daniel had left him, she made the decision to trust him and Steele made the promise to her to pick up where Daniel had left off.

His own parents were gone, but Marissa’s father was another member of his family still out there – a member that Steele didn’t know and may never know if he didn’t help. It occupied his every waking thought.

If he could simply find him, and help Marissa bring her father home, would that help to heal his own pain? Steele had no way of knowing, and yet it drove him. Every second of the day when he wasn’t thinking about Laura, he planned and prepared.

And if he was honest with himself, Laura had taken up more space in his thoughts and his heart than he had ever wanted her to.

He wanted nothing more than to run back to her, pull her into his arms and never let her go. Indeed, the few times she had approached him and attempted to set things right had almost broken him completely.

Her eyes – so full of pain, confusion and heartbreak still haunted his nights and the loss of her body next to his caused him to wake up each morning aching with grief and desire all at once. He’d never physically craved any woman the way he craved her. She was like a drug that, once taken, he couldn’t get enough of.

And yet he had to distance himself. He couldn’t even begin to sort through the hurt and heartache caused by her deceptions and find Marissa’s father at the same time. He knew she wanted to help. He even suspected she might try to follow him.

But he also knew he wasn’t strong enough to resist her. As much as he desperately wanted to let her back into his heart, that old anger was back. It had never truly gone away and he realized that now. He had only buried it temporarily with expensive clothing and a lavish lifestyle.

He had even been foolish enough to think that his relationship with Laura was enough to fully banish it forever. But the moment he had seen her with Tony, it had come roaring back full force. All the times she hadn’t trusted him, all the games he’d had to play to get close to her. It hit him like a ton of bricks to realize that none of his efforts had been enough. It had only taken one poor decision for her to turn away from what they had.

And he knew that Tony hadn’t been merely another distraction the way Butch Bemis or William Westwood had. There had been something in the way she had kissed him – something Steele hadn’t seen between the two of them ever since the failed wedding to Clarissa.

It hurt his heart to know that he was responsible for driving her away. As much as she insisted she didn’t have any interest in Tony now, he knew that there was a moment, however brief where she had given part of her heart to him and it broke him in a way he hadn’t thought possible. Perhaps that had been why she had kept Daniel’s secret from him.

It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he needed to forget about her and concentrate on finding Marissa’s father and getting him home. He would deal with the rest of his life after that.

It was with that in mind, that he had come to Marissa’s hotel.

“I didn’t expect to see you until tomorrow,” she said as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Passports and VISAs were ready, so I thought I would drop them off,” he replied handing her several phoney documents that one of his contacts had made for her.

“There’s more than one passport here,” she observed, confusion evident in her features.

“Indeed,” Steele replied. “We will have to assume more than one identity if we are to get in and out again without getting caught. We will start as Irish siblings travelling together when we cross over into the Soviet Union.”

“Mary O’Flaherty?” She said as she looked through the passport.

“And I’m Harry O’Flaherty,” Steele said quietly. A nod to both his parents. It was as good a name as any. “How’s your Russian?”

“Passable,” Marissa said curtly. “I had a private school education. In my father’s line of work, he thought it would be helpful for me to learn several languages….some less common than others.” 

“That’s good,” he smiled flatly. “I know some basic phrases. If you do most of the talking, we should get by as well as long as we aren’t questioned too thoroughly.”

“Wait, this VISA says we are circus performers?” Marissa exclaimed in surprise.

“Only way I could get us in without too many questions. Our official story is that we have special permission to join the Russian State circus. It’s currently touring the Eastern Bloc. We will fly to West Germany and cross over into Czheckoslovakia, which is the circus’ next stop.”

“How on Earth do you know that?” Marissa asked, surprised.

In another life, Steele would have enjoyed being a man of mystery once again. Today though, it only made him feel tired.

“I still have a few contacts that owe myself, and Daniel, a favour or two.” Was his evasive reply. “Those will only get us in. From there, we go where the Circus goes. We keep our heads down, speak only when spoken to, and take only the chances we absolutely need to. We are gathering information first and foremost. Eventually the Circus will make it’s way back to Moscow. When it does, we make our escape, find your father and come up with a way to smuggle ourselves out using these Russian passports.”

“And if we’re caught?” Marissa asked. Steele hesitated. Part of him wanted to assure her they wouldn’t be caught – that he had it all under control, but he stopped himself before doing so. Telling her that would be a lie of immense proportions. If she was going to risk her life, she needed to know the truth.

“Prison,” he said shortly. “Maybe death. Make no mistake, this is a very dangerous undertaking. When we leave Moscow, we will be Anyanka and Ivan Petrov. Your father will be Sergei Patrov. Getting out will be much harder than getting in. I can’t promise you these VISAs and passports will hold up, but they are all we’ve got.”

“I…don’t have any talent,” Marissa said, almost as an admission of guilt. Steele looked at her in surprise and a bit of confusion. “For the circus act, I mean. What will we _do_ there?”

“That will be the easy part,” Steele replied with a hint of the old twinkle in his eye. “I am a man of many talents. I need only a faithful assistant.”

“Does this mean we leave tomorrow?” Marissa asked. Steele detected a flicker of uncertainty in her eyes.

“You know that you don’t have to come, don’t you?” Steele asked her. He knew Marissa was nothing like Laura, or even her own father. She wasn’t used to dangerous situations the way he was. He had initially suggested he go on his own, but Marissa would have none of it. She insisted that it was her father that was missing, and thus she would accompany him no matter what. If it had been anybody else, Steele would have refused outright, but he knew that if it were him in the same situation nothing would be able to stop him and so he had acquiesced. Now, he was having second thoughts. “There’s a real chance we won’t make it back. I don’t want to mislead you. If you’re not up for it…”

“I understand,” Marissa replied, her features hardening in an attempt to conceal her momentary weakness. “He’s my father, and I'm going. Now, you said you think he’s in Moscow?”

“Maybe,” Steele said, somewhat apologetically. “All I know is that from the information Kamidov gave us and the information I managed to scrounge up is that he was last seen in Moscow. So that’s where we start. Of course, you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he might not be alive.”

“I know,” she said softly. “We both need to get some sleep. We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow.”

“Indeed,” Steele agreed brusquely, standing up. “I have a flight booked tomorrow to West Berlin.”

“Thank you,” Marissa said as he made his way to the door. When Steele met her eyes he could see just how much this meant to her. It made him even more determined to get her father home safe.

“Meet me at the airport at eleven o’clock,” he said gruffly.


	16. Chapter 16

Laura woke up the following morning with a heavy heart. On the surface, everything Mildred had said the night before made perfect sense. She had gone chasing after Remington once before and although it had turned out positively, this time it was much different.

Before, Steele had left in an attempt to try to find his name and return it to Laura as a proof of his commitment. She had pushed him away as usual and instead of running as far and as fast as he could, he had gone on a personal quest in an effort to bring the two of them closer.

This time, they had drifted so far apart to begin with, that Laura knew Steele was leaving for reasons that likely had more to do with a desire to distance himself from her and their relationship, rather than bring them closer together.

She had no way of knowing what the correct path was to take. Did she honor his desire for space and go back and resume her life in LA, hoping he would return on his own? Or did she follow him and try to make things right despite the danger to herself and her career?

There was no easy answer and Laura felt that no matter what choice she made, her heart would be the first casualty.

Even though she had promised Mildred she would book a flight back to LA, she felt that she couldn’t leave Ireland without trying one last time to talk to Remington. She desperately wanted to feel as if there were a chance that they might make things right with one another and she felt she owed it to him to leave that door open should he wish to come back and join the agency.

If the circumstances were different in any way, Laura would be furious at the thought of him running out on her yet again. This time though, she knew that she was only part of the reason he was running. Daniel’s death had traumatized him in ways that neither of them had foreseen. Laura’s own actions had caused him to shut her out of his pain, but she knew that this quest was something he would have done regardless.

It was her own fault that she hadn’t trusted in the strength of their relationship enough and yes, his fault for not doing the same when it came to the INS. They had both made so many mistakes and while Laura couldn’t go back in time and fix what had been broken, she hoped like hell those breaks could be repaired.

That was why she had to find him. Before she made any concrete plans to return, she had to look him in the eye and ask him one last time to give their relationship a chance. She knew from the snooping she had done that he had been sleeping in a room in the servants quarters. She hadn’t gone so far as to actually go the room, but she knew that she needed to do so right now.

She found the room, opened the door and entered without knocking or asking for permission. She would not give him the chance to deny her. If he was going to give up on them, Laura deserved to have a face to face conversation before he did so.

Laura was devastated however, to see the room empty, not only of Mr. Steele, but of any evidence he had ever been there. The only indicator that she was in the right room at all, was the note on the bed, addressed to her.

With a sinking heart, Laura picked it up. She could recognize Remington’s handwriting a mile away. She knew that if this letter had been left here for her, she was already too late. Whatever plan of action he had intended to undertake, he had already left.

Brushing tears from her eyes, she opened the letter and began to read.

_Laura,_

_I’m sorry. I know how this must feel to you. And even after all the horrible things we have said and done to one another, the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you. I have spent the last five years trying desperately to show you that I wouldn’t hurt you._

_And now I have left. I have done the one thing I promised I wouldn’t do. I wish I could say that there was another way to do this. I wish like hell I felt differently. I wish for so many things._

_Mainly I wish things could go back to the way they were before I broke your trust so irrevocably. The only thing I can say to you, is that I understand now. I understand how it must have felt when I chose not to tell you about my problems with the INS. I understand how devastated you felt, and how much anger you must have been holding in inside._

_And that’s the problem. I have spent so much of my life containing the anger I felt. I can’t do it anymore. I had so much anger towards my father, towards every family that was supposed to protect me and failed. Becoming a con artist was an easy profession for a young man who believed the entire world was out to get him. It was easy to lie to everyone around me than to confront the things that I needed to._

_Now that Daniel is gone, I can’t hide anymore. It’s like whatever shelter I had is gone and I am at the mercy of the elements._

_I said some things to you, Laura, that I regret deeply but I also said some things that I should have said from the beginning. We have never truly trusted one another. I spent so much time trying to prove myself to you, that I failed to realise that you had yet to prove yourself to me._

_You have no idea how much it tears me up inside to know that I could never truly trust you the way I thought I could. I’m not just talking about Antony, or about the fact that you hid the knowledge of my father from me. I am talking about the way you hid your heart from me. I gave you every piece of myseslf that I was capable of giving and still you held back. You wanted so much from me, but couldn’t give yourself in return._

_And just when I finally thought you had, I found you with Antony. Every time I close my eyes, I hear him reminding you over and over that just days before we made love, you told him you had feelings for him._

_This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Even as I write this, I am unsure I will have the courage to leave it…to leave you. But I also know that unless I find the answers I need on my own I may never fully trust you, or anyone, with my heart again._

_And I miss you already. God, how I miss waking up next to you. Making love to you was everything I had hoped for. To think I may never touch you again, or hold you, or kiss you feels like being denied air or food. That’s why I can’t say this face to face. I won’t last one minute if I have to look you in the eye again and walk away._

_I love you too much. And that will never change. I want to promise you that I will be back. As I write this, it’s all I want to say. But I can’t make that promise. What I am about to do is very dangerous. If I am caught, the best case scenario is that I end up in prison for the rest of my life. I can’t ask you to wait for me. It wouldn’t be fair to you, and it wouldn’t be fair to the agency._

_Should this endeavour go well and I make it out alive, I can’t say how I will feel towards you, or towards us. But I can say that even if we aren’t together, your agency and your work matters to me. If you need me to continue to play the part of Remington Steele, even if it’s just for publicity, I will be there._

_If we are never lovers again, I will always love you with all my heart and all my soul. I should have told you that from the moment I knew how I felt. I should have spent every day telling you that. Perhaps if I had, we wouldn’t have failed each other this way._

_I have so much more I want to say to you, but I just simply don’t have time. I must go. I know you probably suspect what I am about to do, and I know you will be tempted to follow me. I can only beg you not to and hope like hell you listen for once._

_What I am about to do, could cost me my life. If that happens, I can accept it. But I could never forgive myself if you followed me and were hurt or killed. It would destroy me in every conceivable way._

_So please, if you ever loved me, go back to Los Angeles. Continue to be the best damn private detective I have ever seen. Don’t risk yourself, or your agency on me. Perhaps someday our paths will cross again. I hope they do._

_I love you,_

_Remington._

Laura threw the letter down onto the bed and let out a heart wrenching cry of frustration.

How dare he? How dare he leave like this and not allow her any chance to make things right? How dare he tell her he loves her and then walk away from everything they had?

And how dare he ask her not to follow? After all they had been through together, how dare he ask her to give up?

“To hell with you, Mr. Steele,” Laura said through gritted teeth as she strode out of the room with renewed purpose.

Thirty minutes ago, she had been prepared to book a flight home. Now, that was the last thing on her mind.

She was grateful to find Mildred in her room packing her things. The moment Mildred saw the look in her eyes, her shoulders slumped.

“You’re not going back to LA, are you Miss Holt?”

“No, Mildred, I’m not.” Laura confirmed with a hardness in her voice that brooked no argument. “But you are.”

“Excuse me?” Mildred said, clearly confused.

“You’re going back to LA and you will operate the agency in my place. And before you tell me you can’t do it on your own, I want you to call Murphy Micheals in Denver and ask if there is anybody at his agency he can spare in the short term. You might be a novice investigator, but you have run that agency for the last three years and I have full confidence you can do so as long as it takes. If I don’t come back in a month, then I want you to hold interviews and hire whoever you think will be able to do the job. I trust you.”

Mildred opened her mouth to protest, but Laura shut her down before she could.

“Mr. Steele has decided to try to help Marissa Peters find her father. He’s left with her already. He’s going to try to sneak into Moscow and smuggle an intelligence operative back through the Iron Curtain. I have to help him. I can’t let him do this on his own. If he never comes back, I will have to live with that. So I am going after him. And this means I might not come back as well. I will contact my lawyer before I leave and transfer ownership of the agency over to you, should I not return within a year. If that happens, I trust you will do whatever you feel is best with the agency. You can run it, or you can sell it. It’s up to you. Don’t argue with me, Mildred. I’ve made up my mind.”

“This is crazy, Miss Holt!” Mildred burst out. “Do you know how dangerous it is? And I’m sure Mr. Steele knows people who could make him passports and forge paperwork. How the hell do you plan to follow him?”

“Mr. Steele isn’t the only one with connections,” Laura said grimly. “I know of one man who can forge the kind of documents I need. And he owes me a _big_ favour.”


	17. Chapter 17

It wasn’t difficult to find the hotel room that Tony Roselli was staying in. Laura was grateful he was still there as the last time they had spoken he had not given a definitive idea of how long he intended to stay in Ireland.

She breathed a sigh of relief when a very perplexed Tony opened the door.

Without waiting for an invitation, Laura pushed her way past him and sat down at the table near the bed.

“By all means, come on in.” He said with a smirk. She watched as he hastily grabbed some of the clothing that was strewn around the room. “If I had known you were coming I would have tidied up a bit. Unless…you’re hear to get messy?”

The innuendo caught her by surprise, but the twinkle in his eye indicated he was just teasing. Laura ignored it, in favour of sticking straight to business.

“I need a favour from you, Tony.”

“That seems to be all I ever hear lately from both the Steeles,” Tony replied, sitting a little too close to her on the edge of the bed. Laura was suddenly uncomfortably reminded of how it had felt to kiss him.

When the police had arrived on the train looking for Tony, she’d helped him to avoid getting caught by launching herself at him and kissing him passionately. She had wanted to make Mr. Steele jealous and that seemed the perfect way to do it.

But as the kiss had deepened between them, Laura found herself responding physically in a way she hadn’t since before Remington’s attempted marriage to Clarissa. She hadn’t even noticed the passion had died between them until she found herself being awakened again by another man’s kiss.

And when they had broken apart, Laura had felt disgusted with herself for even allowing another man to make her feel the way Remington had. She knew now that she had never genuinely felt anything for Tony but the hurt she had caused to both Mr. Steele and their relationship was something she could not undo.

And yet, here she was, sitting so close to the very man who had helped to unravel her relationship, asking him to help her get that relationship back.

“I need some paperwork to get across the border into East Germany and eventually to Moscow. I’ll need passports, VISAs and maybe political documents that look as real as they can be. I’ll need them for myself, Mr. Steele and two others – a man and a woman. One is in her mid forties and one approximately in his sixties. Mr. Steele already has a head start so I need you to get them as quickly as you can. I don’t care how you do it. I can pay you whatever you want.”

Of all the reactions she had been expecting from Tony, an all out belly laugh was not one of them. She watched as he threw his head back and his entire body shook for a moment with laughter.

Eventually he stopped when he saw the expression on her face.

“You….you can’t be serious, Laura. You’ll be killed. No amount of paperwork can get you where you want to go. An operation like that would take years of training and even then…”

“I can handle myself,” Laura shot back, refusing to let him plant any more seeds of doubt in her. She was already inwardly questioning whether this was the right thing to do.

“Oh really?” He said sarcastically, “Wie gut ist ihr Deutsch?”

Upon seeing her confusion, he continued.

“Vy horosho govorite po-russki?”

I’m sorry, I don’t…” Laura stammered, realising he’d made a valid point. She recognized that he was speaking both German and Russian, but had no idea what it was he had said.

“Don’t know what I’m saying?” He interrupted. “You really think you could pass for a government operative in Russia?”

“I’ll….figure something out,” Laura stuttered. She felt a flush of embarrassment. How on Earth would she manage to convince the Russian authorities she was legitimate?

“You have no idea what you’re saying,” Tony replied. He leaned even closer to her, his expression so deadly serious it sent a thrill of fear up her spine, despite her resolve. “Even if I could get you in, there is no way you would be able to get back out. Do you know how hard that is? Your best case scenario is that you are caught and sent to prison. Your worst case? Being executed as a spy.”

Laura sighed and ran a hand through her hair. She had not expected this much resistance from him. It surprised and infuriated her.

“Listen, Tony, I don’t care how dangerous it is. And I don’t see why you should. I just need the paperwork. Mr. Steele cleared your name with Intelligence. The least you can do is…”

“Illegally get you false papers that will enable you to slip through the Iron Curtain and get yourself killed?” Tony finished for her. He stood up and headed to the door. Opening it, he gestured for her to leave. “Not happening, kid.”

“Fine,” Laura said, standing up and trying to control her fury. “But I want you to know I’m going, either way. If I have to forge the papers myself, I’m going. And if I get caught because of it, my blood is on your hands. You said you cared for me. If that’s true, you won’t want my death on your conscience.”

“Damn it, Laura, don’t do this!” Tony exclaimed. She jumped slightly as he hit the side of the door in frustration. “This is not a game. You WILL get killed. If this is what Steele was up to before, then he is already dead. Don’t you see?”

“Did he come to you?” Laura asked, her heart suddenly in her throat. “Did you help him?”

“I didn’t give him paperwork or passports if that’s what you’re asking,” Tony replied, his tone guarded. Laura could tell he was hiding something from her. “I don’t like the man, but I don’t want to see him killed. And I sure as hell don’t want to see you killed either.”

“Then get me the papers, Tony.” Laura said, her chin jutting out defiantly. “Help me.”

Tony glared at her for a moment that seemed to last an eternity. She could see he was struggling in his mind with the options she had put in front of him. Part of her felt slightly guilty for insinuating it would be his fault if she were caught or killed but she also knew there was no other way to get what she needed from him and she was determined to go after Steele, no matter what the cost.

Eventually Tony sighed and sat back down the bed.

“I’ll help,” he said finally. “Under one condition.”

“Name it,” she shot back.

“I come with you.” He replied.

“What?” Laura exclaimed. She hadn’t been sure what to expect, but it wasn’t that. She shook her head quickly as if to physically banish the suggestion. “No, you can’t. I have to do this alone.”

“You won’t last ten minutes being interrogated at a check point. You have no idea what you are getting yourself into. I can speak several languages fluently, including German and Russian. You need me.”

“No,” she said firmly, hating the traitorous thought that crept into her head telling her he was right. Tony sighed and looked her straight in the eye. For once, she saw genuine concern in his expression. 

“Even if I give you the papers, my blood will still be on your hands. I come with you, or you don’t go at all. At least then you’ll have a chance.”

“I…I can’t,” Laura stammered. She looked away, afraid she might lose control in front of him. “It’s partly because of what happened between the two of us that Mr. Steele left. If he sees me with you…”

“This is more important than your relationship with the man,” Tony snapped. “This is the difference between life and death. How the hell do you think Steele will react if he finds out you came after him with my paperwork and got yourself killed?”

“And why on Earth would you be willing to risk your life to get me to him?” Laura shot back. “I know you had feelings for me. I know you wanted whatever we had to go further. How can I trust that this is not just an attempt to confuse me again?”

“You think I would risk my life for a date?” Tony said with a harsh laugh. “Honey, I am not that hard up. Whatever happened between us, I am not willing to send you out there to your death. Now, I do this for a living. You have your skill set…I have mine. I come with you or you get your papers somewhere else. Final offer.”

Laura sighed in frustration as she looked him deep in the eye. She could tell that for whatever reason, he refused to budge on this. And he had a point. She was about to do something stupidly dangerous. Tony could only be an asset when it came to work like this.

But how would she ever explain it to Mr. Steele? Would it ruin any chance she might have at patching things up between them if she showed up with Tony right beside her?

 _You can’t patch anything up if he gets himself killed,_ a little voice inside her head told her.

“Alright,” she said softly. “We go together. But you and I are not a topic that is up for discussion. Got it?”

“Got it,” Tony said, holding out his hand. Laura shook it, wondering if she would come to regret it.


	18. Chapter 18

“What….the hell is that?” Remington asked, his tone deeply unimpressed as he and Marissa stood outside the airport in West Berlin. When Remington had begun planning this journey, he had called in every favour and every old contact he knew in order to ensure he and Marissa had the means to travel safely. Looking at what was in front of him, it was clear that some had been more effective than others.

He had decided the safest way to enter Czchekoslovakia was to do so by car, and, remembering that his old friend Munroe knew a guy who specialised in fencing stolen Eastern European Automobile parts, he had asked that Munroe arrange for a car to meet them at the airport.

“Something passable,” was what he had said to Munroe on the phone. “I don’t want to be noticed.”

Staring at the monstrosity that sat in front of them, Steele felt the overwhelming urge to abandon his mission, find Munroe, and strangle him with his bare hands. 

The vehicle was box-shaped and extremely small– so small, that Steele wondered how he would manage to fold his six-foot-two frame inside it. It was a hideous off-white colour with no headlights. It was a vehical that, as Remington Steele, he would never have been caught dead in. But he was no longer Remington Steele. For the purpose of this mission, he was Harry O’Flaherty, and Harry O’Flaherty, needed transportation.

“It’s…a car…” Marissa said, equally dubious. The man who had delivered it, gave them the keys and smiled as if unaware of the expressions on both their faces as they looked at the vehicle in front of them.

“That,” Steele said pointing his finger aggressively, “is most decidedly _not_ a car. It is a spark plug with wheels.”

“It is a Trabant, sir,” the man said in an attempt to be helpful. “Mr. Munroe said you needed something that would blend in.”

“And _that’s_ what he came up with?” Steele’s eyebrows hit the ceiling and inwardly he cringed at the thought of anyone seeing him getting in or out of it.

“Are you sure this Munroe person is a friend?” Marissa asked. Steele frowned.

“I’m wondering that myself,” he replied flatly. “If we get through this, I’ll need to have a very long chat with him.”

“Shall I tell him that, Mr. Steele?” Munroe’s man asked.

“Please do,” Steele replied as the man nodded and hurried off. Marissa was still staring at the car in horror and Steele felt slightly vindicated by the fact that he was not alone in his revulsion.

“Don’t tell me we’re actually taking this thing?” She asked incredulously as he opened the door.

“While I don’t relish the prospect of spending a single moment in this…for lack of a better word, ‘automobile’, I think the phrase ‘needs must’, has to prevail here. Shall we?”

He gestured at the car, as Marissa scrunched up her face and got into the passenger side. Steele, as predicted, had a much more difficult time squeezing himself into the driver’s side.

The inside of the car was just as bad, if not worse, than the outward appearance. The upholstery was a hideous shade of pea green and the car lacked, among other things, a fuel gauge, rear seat-belts and a turning indicator.

He took a deep breath and put the key in the ignition. Marissa looked over at him and he managed a small smirk.

“Once more into the breach, eh?” He said, as he turned the car on and it sputtered to life.

“We few, we happy few,” Marissa responded in kind. Steele smiled, feeling slightly more reassured as they began driving. It was these little moments in which he and Marissa appeared to share a mindset that told him that, despite the fact that they were relative strangers to one another, there was a familial bond, however tenuous.

It allowed him to imagine a day in which they actually felt like family – something he had longed for as long as he could remember.

He hadn’t told Marissa any of this, of course. Deep down, he feared that if she knew just how desperately he wanted to get to know a living relative of his, she might run in the other direction. He was so used to people abandoning him, that showing any sort of vulnerability was completely foreign.

Subconsciously he wondered if he was risking his life to find her father as a way of engendering her trust and forming that connection. It wasn’t the first time he had attempted to get close to someone by way of a grand gesture or crazy stunt. His entire relationship with Laura had been built upon emotionally bypassing the hard work, in order to get the results he wanted. It had worked, for a time, but he realised it now it was the reason he had lost her. In the end, grand gestures hadn’t been enough. 

As they drove, they settled into an uneasy silence. Both made occasional attempts at conversation with limited levels of success. Steele knew that, along with the fact that they didn’t know each other very well, they were both nervous about reaching the border. He realised that when they did get to that check point he would need to put his life, and his trust, in the hands of a woman to whom he was related, but knew very little about. Would she be able to handle the pressure? Would she be able to speak the language well enough to sell their story?

Secretly, he wished that it was Laura sitting beside him. He knew if she were here, he would feel much more confident in the potential success of their mission. Despite the difficulties in their personal relationship, he trusted her with his life in ways he had never done before.

It was an exercise in torture just thinking about what might have been, but he couldn’t seem to help himself. He missed her. He missed every single part of her. He missed the sound of her voice, the look she would get in her eyes just before he kissed her, the feel of her body against his, and, however brief it had been, the way she had said his name in their most intimate moments.

He ached for the smaller moments they had shared. He knew if she were here with him, he would be grousing about the car, and she would be teasing him for being an elitist. He knew that, even though they were about to do something incredibly dangerous, just looking at her would steady his nerves and allow them to do whatever he needed to do.

They had been partners in the truest sense of the word. Where had it all gone so wrong? And if they were successful could he ever get that back? Or had the very act of his leaving caused the rift between them to deepen into a chasm that could never be bridged?

These were questions that would need to be put on the back burner if he was to be successful in their mission and yet in these moments of quiet, it was hard to banish them from his mind.

The look on his face must have given some of his thoughts away as he felt a gentle touch on his shoulder. Marissa looked at him with a mixture of curiosity and concern.

“Are you here?” She asked. She didn’t need to explain what she meant.

“I’m here,” he said softly.

“We’ve got a ways to go before we get to the first check point,” she said. Her tone was neutral but he could tell she was trying to let him know that the door was open should he wish to talk. Part of him did. Part of him wanted to tell someone – anyone – how empty he felt inside. Ever since he’d left, he’d felt a crushing weight on his chest pressing down on him. He longed to unburden himself of that weight, if only for a moment.

If the person sitting beside him had been Mildred, he may have tried to open up. He likely would have bungled the attempt, but Mildred would have known what he was trying to say. Ever since she had joined Remington Steele Investigations she’d had this way of making him feel as if things would work themselves out. She’d talked him into giving Daniel another chance and despite the anger towards him that still simmered beneath the surface, he was eternally grateful that she had. Because of her, he’d gotten the last few moments of Daniel’s life in which he was his father for the first time.

But Marissa was not Mildred and as much as Steele wanted to, opening himself up emotionally was not something that had ever come easy to him.

“You’re absolutely right,” he acknowledged.

“Maybe we should play a game to pass the time.” Marissa suggested, a little too readily. Perhaps she too was grateful that he had chosen not to talk about his innermost feelings just yet. “Your mother and I used to play ‘name that film’. One person would say a quote and the other had to guess the actor and film it came from.”

The mention of his mother so casually and without warning made him feel like the air had been sucked out of his chest. The scenery flew by as Steele fought off the lump that threatened to form in his throat as he processed what she had just told him. 

“Did she…” he trailed off slightly, trying to form his thoughts into words. “Was she a fan of the cinema?”

“Huge,” Marissa replied, smiling at what was obviously a pleasant memory for her. “My father wasn’t around much when I was younger, as I’ve told you. When I was small, Aunt Maggie would take me to the movies once a week. We didn’t tell my father as we both knew he wouldn’t approve of something so frivolous. I was supposed to be studying. But Aunt Maggie knew that letting off steam was also important. Each week we took turns picking the film. She loved the noir mysteries with a femme fatale and a hard boiled detective. I preferred romantic comedies.”

“I suppose I come by it honestly then,” Steele said quietly. Inwardly, he was sorting through so many emotions he wasn’t sure where to begin. He’d always thought his love for film came from a desire to escape the hand he’d been dealt. It was why he tended to gravitate towards characters with lavish lifestyles and little emotional baggage. But what if it was more than that? Steele was not a religious man, nor was he someone prone to flights of supernatural fancy. Still, he couldn’t help but wonder if this was something his mother had passed down to him – a way of connecting him to a woman he would never know. It both comforted him and saddened him.

With each story Marissa told about his mother, she became less and less of an abstract figure and more a flesh and blood woman. He dreaded these stories and craved them in equal measure. With each one, he became more and more connected to the woman who had given him life, while simultaneously mourning the life he should have had.

And there was a part of him that seethed with jealousy at the thought of Marissa experiencing the connection that should have been his. He had no claim on their weekly trips to the cinema, and yet for some reason he felt as if she had stolen something from him – something precious. Still, he kept those thoughts to himself. The only person who might have understood them was hopefully back in LA. No reason to dwell on what might have been.

“I suppose so,” Marissa said, agreeing with him. “Shall I start?”

“By all means,” he replied – a little louder than he had meant to. “Ladies first.”

As they played, the road stretched on in front of them.


	19. Chapter 19

Laura Holt paced the floor of her hotel room, seething with frustration. It had been two days since she had sent Mildred home and demanded help from Tony Roselli in the form of documentation that would get her into the Soviet Union.

She had left Ashford Castle, knowing that Mickeline and the servants were eager to turn a profit on it, by way of tourism revenue. The Castle no longer belonged to Mr. Steele and despite the fact that Mickeline assured her she was always welcome, it felt wrong to stay.

It didn’t help that everywhere she turned, she was reminded of Remington and the brief time they had shared together there as lovers. She had to admit that as much as it hurt being without him, she couldn’t have asked for a more romantic setting for the twof them to finally take that next step.

She could barely look at the Master bedroom as she gathered her things preparing to leave. Every time she closed her eyes, she could feel his hands, smell the scent of his skin, and feel his lips on hers, breathing her name almost like a prayer. It hurt more than she ever knew it could hurt, which was how she knew she couldn’t stay even if she wanted to. It was all too much.

Instead, she had rented a room next to Tony’s in the hopes of keeping an eye on him. Despite his agreement to help her, Laura didn’t entirely trust that he would honour his side of the bargain, fearing instead that he might leave in the middle of the night, never to be found again.

There was a small part of her that would be relieved if he were to suddenly disappear from her life. It would be one less complication for her to worry about. However, as much as she hated to admit it, he was the only person who could help her find Mr. Steele and therefore she needed him.

The thing that made her even angrier was the fact that he knew it and reminded her of it at every opportunity. It baffled and enraged her at the same time. She had no idea why he was so bound and bent to come with her, especially since he reminded her over and over again how dangerous it was to be attempting it in the first place.

Despite these warnings, Laura remained firm and unmovable.

As a result she had spent the last two mornings knocking on his door, demanding to know how the documents were coming. Both mornings he blew her off telling her that these things take time and that if they wanted it to be even halfway believable, they had to wait.

Laura was tired of waiting. Every day that went by was another day lost. She feared the worst with every passing moment. Had he managed to cross over the check points? Or had he gotten caught? Had he found Marissa’s father, or was he not even sure where to begin to look? Did he need her? Did he miss her?

She ached to look into his eyes just one more time and she feared she might never have that chance as more time went by. Secretly she suspected that Tony might be taking his time as a way of trying to dissuade her from wanting to go. Maybe he felt that if she had a lot of time to really think about it, she might change her mind. Either way, she was determined not to let him drag his feet.

At precisely ten in the morning as she had done for the last two days, she knocked on his door until he answered.

The bags under his eyes and unruly hair suggested that Laura had just woken him up. She was thrown slightly off guard by the fact that he wasn’t wearing anything except a pair of boxer shorts. The last man she had seen like this had been Mr. Steele and that fact alone, caused her to feel as if she were betraying him simply by having seen Tony in this state of undress. 

“Are they done?” She asked, cutting right to the chase.

“Well good morning to you too,” Tony muttered, squinting his eyes open and shut as a way of waking up. She felt slightly better for having interrupted his sleep. “Didn’t anybody ever tell you that patience is a virtue?”

“My mother,” Laura said as she entered the room. “Along with ‘sit up straight’ and ‘never let them see how smart you are.’ It didn’t stick. Are they done?”

“I’ve told you a million times, Laura,” Tony said, his patience clearly on a razor thin edge, “I can get this done quickly, or I can get it done well.”

“I don’t think you want to get it done at all,” Laura shot back. She watched as Tony’s eyes darkened slightly and he moved quickly towards her, his face only inches away from hers. She was suddenly acutely aware of the physicality of the man and how potentially dangerous he could be. Even half dressed, she could see in his eyes lay the ability to kill without a second thought.

It suddenly hit her that this was the world she was willingly walking into and that it was filled with men like him. She hated the idea that any part of Tony was right, and yet one look in his eyes told her she was naïve to think that this could be done in a weekend.

“You’re right, I don’t,” Tony replied angrily pointing a finger directly at her. “If you’ll recall, I was dead set against this little enterprise of yours.”

“So don’t come,” Laura said, refusing to back down despite the fact that her heart hammered in her chest and her hands shook slightly. The last thing she wanted was for Tony to see her uncertainty. Despite her own fear, she needed him to see her as capable. She needed to prove to him that she could handle anything that might come their way.

This need to prove her worth was ingrained in her. It was in her earliest memories of childhood. It was the need to run farther, be stronger, faster, and smarter than the other kids around her. As she grew older she noticed the world stopped counting her as a threat because of her sex. She was expected to simply tow the line, follow the rules, get married and contribute to society by raising children. That was how her mother saw her, but it was not the vision Laura had for herself.

When her father left, it only made her more determined. He’d always been the one to encourage her to take a risk, to put herself out there or to fight for what she wanted. And suddenly he was gone and there was nobody left who had her back. Any other woman might have crumbled, but it only made her more determined to prove herself.

Men like Tony Roselli were nothing new. She was used to them looking at her and only seeing what they wanted to see. To these men she was either a conquest or a nuisance, a threat or a prize. Flesh, as she had told Mr. Steele once. Just flesh.

But now she needed Tony to see her as more than that. Mr. Steele’s life might depend on her ability to show him who she really was.

“We’ve been through this, sweetheart,” Tony growled. “You won’t last two seconds without me.”

“I’m not your sweetheart,” Laura said flatly, her eyes hard and cold. “And could you please put some clothes on?”

“Why, am I distracting you…sweetheart?” Tony drawled moving his body closer to hers and placed his arm over her head against the wall behind her in an effort to further unsettle her. Laura found herself sandwiched between the wall and a man determined to use his physical presence as a means of intimidation.

Instead, she met his gaze, ducked under his arm and grabbed a black t-shirt from a dirty pile of clothing in the corner. She resisted the urge to wrinkle her nose at the questionable smell of it, and waited until he turned around before tossing it directly at him. He caught it, with a slightly surprised look on his face. Laura smirked.

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Laura retorted, hoping her voice sounded cool and indifferent as he shoved the shirt on over his head. She watched as he searched around the room haphazardly before eventually locating a pair of khaki pants and shoving them on.

“Is this acceptable, your highness?” Tony asked. Laura ignored his tone.

“You still haven’t told me if the paperwork is done,” she reminded him. She felt like a teacher trying to keep an errant schoolboy on task – a feeling she was all to familiar with when it came to Mr. Steele. The only difference between Tony and Mr. Steele was that, with Mr. Steele, she enjoyed playing the role of teacher to his slightly mischievous pupil. There was a flirtatious element that kept their relationship fresh and invigorating.

Right now, Tony was simply just irritating.

Tony sighed in exasperation once more.

“It’ll be another day or two and before you get on my case about it, you’ve asked me to do something that is illegal and dangerous as hell. I can’t go through official channels for this. It’s going to take some time and banging on my door day and night isn’t going to help the situation. Now normally I would love it if you showed up to my bedroom every day, but since you’ve made it clear that you’re not interested in anything but the paperwork, I suggest you back off until I come and get you.”

“And risk you leaving town?” Laura replied, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment at his words.

He exhaled slowly.

“If I left tomorrow, what would you do?”

Laura lifted her chin and looked at him defiantly.

“I’d go without you.”

“I know,” Tony replied, his voice sounding almost kind for once. “You’ve made your determination abundantly clear. I’m not happy about this, but I also don’t plan on leaving you to the wolves. Come back Friday. I’ll be here. Now let me get some sleep.”


	20. Chapter 20

_The Remington Steele Investigations office suites were always a source of comfort for Mr. Steele. From the first day he entered as Ben Pearson, the brightly lit, ultra modern decorations immediately appealed to his sense of taste and extravagance. It was an office designed to make every client feel important while still maintaining a feeling of warmth with it soft greys and vibrant reds._

_Vaguely, Steele realized as he walked down the brightly lit hallways that this was artificial – a dream and not reality. He knew in the waking world there was somewhere else he was meant to be, but as he looked around he knew that in order to do that he would have to wake up and that was the last thing he wanted to do_

_That feeling intensified as he reached the sign on the door that read ‘Remington Steele Investigations’._

_He recalled an early conversation with Laura in which she told him she wanted to evoke a sense of class to attract their wealthier clients, as well as approachability for the clients whose pockets weren’t quite as deep._

_Remington had been impressed with Laura’s savvy business sense as well as her soft heartedness from day one. He knew that if a client walked in who needed help, Laura would go above and beyond to provide that help, regardless of the size of their chequebook._

_It was that strength of character that had initially drew him to her in the first place. He’d never met someone who genuinely wanted to help people the way she did. Sometimes she would fight that selfless side of hers and sometimes it was he who had to draw it out. He knew that she seemed to see it as a weakness and fought hard to suppress it at every turn._

_In a way, they complimented one another. And as Mr. Steele fell harder and harder for Laura, he knew that there would come a time when he would feel a need to cement their relationship once and for all._

_Then, one Sunday night they returned home from a weekend away together, only to find their apartments ransacked and the news of their apparent deaths leaked to the media. While Steele and Laura worked to solve the case – a case that involved a former friend of Steele’s, Laura gained a greater understanding of the world Steele came from. While he adjusted to the lack of shelter and food, Laura raged against it, not used to being deprived of her creature comforts._

_After feeling something crawling up her leg in the bed at the shelter, she announced she was heading back to her apartment – ready to give up. Steele couldn’t blame her. The life he had led was a difficult one, and he doubted that he would have lasted very long if he’d had an alternative place that was safe and warm to go to._

_It was when she had chosen to stay and stand by him that Steele knew it was time to dig out the jewellery box containing the engagement ring he’d purchased and finally take the leap that both of them wanted, but were too scared to make._

_The timing could not have been better. Their recent weekend away had left them closer to one another than ever before. Steele decided that the moment they had a break in cases, he would plan the perfect night in which to propose._

_He never got that chance._

_As they worked on the next case involving a man named Vinnie who had been falsely accused of a crime he hadn’t committed, Steele was approached by Norman Keyes, an insurance fraud investigator with whom Steele had had a few previous run-ins._

_Keyes loathed Steele with his entire being and as such, he had made it his personal mission to destroy him in whatever way he possibly could. He might never have had the opportunity had Laura not negotiated a consulting contract with his insurance firm, forcing Keyes to report to Steele on important cases._

_It had been the last straw for Keyes who used every resource he had to dig into Steele’s history. Eventually he discovered Steele was in the country illegally and that his passport – a gift Laura and Mildred had given him in London a year prior – was fake._

_The morning Steele entered the office and found Keyes sitting at his desk was one permanently etched in his memory – so much so that it appeared that Remington was dreaming of that day even now._

_He recalled feeling a chill run up his spine as he took in the man sitting there. Keyes had a smug smile on his face, and was smoking a foul smelling cigar while toying with the jewellery box that contained Laura’s engagement ring._

_Before Steele could speak, Keyes tossed it to him. Reflex alone allowed Steele to catch it while Keyes cackled with laughter._

_“What the hell are you doing here Keyes?” Steele asked, his tone harsh and angry. He remembered being grateful that Laura had taken the morning off – something she almost never did. The last thing he had wanted was for her to discover her engagement ring via Norman Keyes._

_“Such hostility,” Keyes mocked. His eyes glittered dangerously as if he were a cat toying with a bit of prey. “I just came to have a chat.”_

_“Oh really?” Steele said, keeping his tone as neutral as possible. “About your last case?” Briefly, his waking self wondered why his subconscious had trapped him in this memory while he slept, when he could have been dreaming of any other number of more pleasant memories. Was it because this was the day that everything had truly gone wrong?_

_“About a new one,” Keyes replied. He approached Steele with a collected calm but his voice held an undertone of glee that Steele knew could not be a good thing. “I think I have a case in which an illegal immigrant has been living in the country for the last few years under an assumed name. Any idea what I’m talking about?”_

_“No idea,” Steele said firmly. He had no way of knowing just how much Keyes knew and so his only chance was to deny everything and hope that Keyes had no actual evidence to go on._

_“You’re a terrible liar, Steele…or whatever your real name is.” Keyes replied smoothly. “But you don’t fool me and you certainly won’t fool immigration. You covered your tracks well, but your phoney passport was sloppy. I can tell a fake a mile away.”_

_Steele’s movement towards his desk was almost reflexive. Keyes caught it and his smile only grew wider._

_“Don’t bother looking for the passport,” he told him. “I already sent it to the INS. They will be contacting you shortly. My guess? You have about forty-eight hours left in this country. But you already know that, don’t you?”_

_“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Steele said, attempting to stall for time while he sorted the facts out in his head. If Keyes had actually sent his fake passport to the INS, he was right about one thing – Steele didn’t have a lot of time. He would have to figure something out – and soon._

_“It’s a nice try…the marriage tactic, I mean.” Keyes continued talking as Steele only half listened. “I get it – you think if you get married to an American citizen you can avoid being deported. I gotta admit, I expected something a little bit more elaborate.”_

_Steele looked down at the jewellery box in his hand as the realization of what Keyes was suggesting dawned on him._

_“You think I would ask someone to marry me to stay on the US?” He said, unable to keep the surprise out of his voice. Keyes cackled once more._

_“Like I said, I thought you would try something a bit more creative, but I suppose beggars can’t be choosers. I have my guesses on who the future Mrs. Steele might be, but make no mistake. It won’t work. I have you right where I want you, pal. You’re finished.”_

_Keyes was face to face with him now. Steele could see the pure hatred in the man’s eyes. After all the things he had done and all the people he had angered, who knew that his life could be destroyed by a petty little man like Norman Keyes?_

_“We’ll see about that Keyes,” he said darkly._

_He could feel his jaw clench tightly as the man laughed again and poked him in the chest with his cigar._

_“Oh you bet we will,” Keyes said almost gleefully. “And when you go to the airport to leave this country for good, I’ll be the first in line to see you off. Not even your industrious little associate will be able to get you out of this mess. You hear me, Steele? Steele…Steele…”_

“…Steele? Mr. Steele? Did you hear me?”

Remington awoke with a start, shocked out of sleep by the sound of Marissa’s voice. As his senses returned to him, his joints screamed in protest. As a fairly tall man he was used to cramped driving quarters but this was beyond anything he had ever experienced before.

He opened and shut his eyes for a few moments, trying to adjust to the darkness that seemed to surround them. They had been driving on country highways for some time and as the sun had gone down, the lights had seemed to go out. Having spent so long in a big city like Los Angeles, Steele found himself unused to the kind of darkness unique to country driving and so when Marissa suggested she take over, he happily complied.

“Are you awake?” Marissa asked, as he still hadn’t spoken.

Remington groaned and attempted to stretch, only to bang his knee against the dashboard. He yelped and cursed under his breath.

“Bloody clown car,” he muttered. Then, addressing Marissa, “I’m awake now. Where are we?”

“We’re only a few miles from the border,” Marissa told him, her voice sounding slightly shaky. Nervousness seemed to radiate from her. Steele searched for something comforting to say, but came up blank. His mind was still back in the Remington Steele offices re-living that awful moment in which Norman Keyes had told he was going to be deported.

He wasn’t used to dreams that were this vivid. In fact, when thinking of it, he hardly ever dreamed at all – at least not anything he could remember.

This was different. He hadn’t dreamed about something abstract. What he had dreamed about had actually happened – almost word for word, the memory was so fresh. And with it, came the emotions.

He could remember exactly how he felt when Keyes told him that he had discovered his phoney passport. It was a mixture of disbelief, fear, rage, and absolute desolation. He remembered thinking that he had finally found a place that felt like home to him. The very concept of home had always been something he never really understood or knew how to define. And finally he understood.

Home wasn’t an apartment, or a city, or even one specific country. Home was the people you surrounded yourself with. Laura was his home. She always had been. And he wanted to be wherever she was. The idea of being torn away from her by something as silly as immigration law had made him panicked. Panicked and furious.

He remembered feeling cornered and desperate. He could still feel bits and pieces of that panic pricking at the corner of his consciousness.

Given that they were about to cross the border into Czheckoslovakia, this was not the time to be allowing himself the luxury of giving into those feelings.

He took a deep breath and tucked them away in the deep recesses of his mind. He would deal with them later. For now, he glanced over at Marissa who was still staring at him.

“Would you like me to drive?”

“Yes,” she said gratefully as she pulled the car to the side of the road.

It took a few moments for Steele to fold himself in and out of the vehicle. Soon they were on their way again, heading towards the first major obstacle of their journey.

“Bad dream?” Marissa asked as the car finally sputtered its way to the desired speed limit.

“Unexpected dream,” he clarified. He said nothing more about it, hoping she would take the hint. The last thing he wanted was to talk about it.

“I dream about my father sometimes,” was all she said. Steele knew that she was offering him an olive branch – a way of furthering the communication should he wish to, or simply letting him know she empathised if he didn’t. He was grateful for it.

“Speaking of your father,” Steele said indicating he wanted to get back to the task at hand, “let’s go over our story one more time. It’s important we get everything right.”

“Agreed,” Marissa said, switching her tone to business-like as well. “Where should we start?”

“How about our names?” Steele suggested, his voice flat and his eyes on the road. “From now on, until I saw otherwise, you’re Margaret and I’m Harry. That’s how we have to address one another. That’s who I am now. Mr. Steele does not exist, understand?”

“Yes,” Marissa said quietly. He could feel her looking at him and he wondered whether she could feel the pain in those words as acutely as he could.

Deep down, he wondered if he was abandoning the moniker of Mr. Steele temporarily, or for good. It was the not knowing that hurt the most. If he left Mr. Steele behind now, what would become of him later? Was he also leaving Laura behind for good?

His thoughts lingered on that uncertainty as they approached the border.


	21. Chapter 21

_Laura Holt was frozen in time. The past held no meaning and the future ceased to exist. All that mattered was the here and now. She had never been so focused on one moment, or one man, in in her entire life. Every sense in her body was awakened…heightened….aroused to a degree she had never thought possible._

_She could feel the cool, crisp linen against her bare back as he lowered her down onto the bed. It felt like heaven against her skin which had already formed a thin sheen of perspiration in response to his heated kisses._

_She could smell the Irish peat outside the window of the master bedroom. It mingled with the scent of Remington’s skin, which had been pressed tantalisingly against hers only seconds ago._

_The way he touched her – gently and yet with such agonizing purpose made her shake with need. He was gazing at her with such naked love and awe, that it almost took her breath away. She had never had a man look at her that way before._

_The sight of him, hard and naked in front of her made her bite her lip as she imagined all the scenarios that might play out between the two of them. It was almost too much._

_As he ran an exploratory hand over her breasts and down the flatness of her stomach she could hear herself breathless and panting._

_She gasped as she felt his body press against hers. His erection settled between them and pressed gently against her clit. Pleasure over rode her senses and she moaned softly as his lips met hers. He teased her relentlessly with his kisses, murmuring soft, words of endearments in between. Never had she before felt so loved and cherished the way she did right now. Her hands roamed his back desperately and she opened her legs wider, pressing up against him while his lips made their way slowly, down her neck and towards her breasts._

_In the deepest recesses of her mind she knew this was a dream. It was a truth she was loathe to acknowledge because this world – the world in which his tongue ran its way over her taut nipple causing her to whimper with desire – was a far better world than the one she inhabited in her waking hours._

_In this world, she was back within the walls or Ashford Castle in those brief few days between their first night together, and discovering that she had kept Daniel’s true identity from him. Those few days now seemed like an eternity and one she might never experience again._

_So she gave into the dream. She gave into the physical sensations that were overtaking her, mixed with the deep emotional connection that she had only ever experienced with this man. She allowed herself to believe all the words of love that came from his lips. She allowed herself to respond to them, deeply and with no reservation._

_She gave into the feeling of his tongue as it reached her clit. She felt her back arch and heard herself moan loudly as he pressed it against the core of her. She felt herself grow impossibly wet, thrashing uncontrollably as the tension built and built._

_“More,” she breathed over and over again. She had never thought of herself as a vocal lover, but with him, she couldn’t seem to help herself. He seemed to know every single part of her body and exactly how to make her writhe._

_She could feel orgasm about to take her over when he suddenly pulled back causing her cry out in frustration. She sat up, feeling a sudden emptiness almost overwhelm her. Before she could say anything, he had pulled her close._

_“Not yet, love,” he whispered, his own voice hoarse with emotion. “I want to be there with you.”_

_Eagerly, she climbed into his lap, wrapping her legs around his abdomen. She could taste the saltiness of her own arousal as she kissed him, gently at first and then deeper until she wasn’t sure where she ended and he began._

_His own hands raked themselves down her back, against her buttocks and then over her breasts with a restlessness that gave away his own desperation. She could feel his hardness against her slick folds and she pressed herself against him over and over._

_He moaned loudly every time she did it, causing her to feel extremely powerful. The idea that she had this kind of effect on him was intoxicating. She wanted him to need her as much as she needed him._

_To that effect, she reached down between their bodies and took his hardness firmly in hand. She deepened the kisses between them as she slowly, then with increasing urgency pumped his shaft._

_“Yessssss,” she could hear him hiss through his teeth, “more…God, yes. More.”_

_Desperately_ _, she pressed her own wetness against his as she pumped him harder._

_“I need you,” he said through shaky laboured breaths, “Please, I need to be inside you.”_

_The please sent her over the edge._

_Laura removed her hand and allowed herself to sink down onto his erection, taking him fully inside her._

_She groaned with pleasure as he filled her. A curse escaped her lips as he pulsed inside her. She needed this with every fibre of her being._

_She started to move against him, when he reached out and gently stopped her. She met his gaze with equal parts arousal and frustration._

_“I want to look at you,” he said simply, reaching out to gently caress her face with two of his fingers. “You’ve never looked so beautiful. I need to remember this.”_

_“Remington…” she trailed off, feeling the emotion overwhelm her. She was lost inside his blue eyes. Awash in a sea of emotions and sensations. Eventually the physical tension between them became too much and they began to move together._

_“You feel so good,” she whispered in between thrusts. Her body felt full and at the same time demanded more from him with each urgent thrust. She wanted him to fill her as deeply as he possibly could._

_She could feel him tipping his hips upward to meet her as she sank down on top of him over and over and over. He was hard and warm and everything she had ever wanted._

_She could feel him getting close as he gripped her buttocks so tightly it was almost painful. As she rode him harder and harder, she could hear him moaning her name over and over, almost like a prayer._

_“I’m close,” she ground out through ragged breaths, “I love you.”_

_It was all he needed, all they both needed as their orgasms over took them both. She could feel his body shudder with pleasure as he pumped himself inside her. Laura cried out over and over as she clenched herself around his shaft, wringing every last ounce of pleasure from them both._

_When it was over, they lay together, spent and happy and wrapped in each other’s arms. She’d never felt more cherished in her life._

_“Thank you,” she heard him murmur, kissing her forehead with exquisite tenderness._

_“For what?” She asked, as she felt him gently stroke her hair._

_“For being here,” he said, so softly she could barely hear him. “For being you.”_

Laura awoke with a start to the sound of someone pounding loudly at her hotel room door. Heart racing, she stumbled out of bed, trying desperately to piece together where she was and what was happening. As she threw a robe over her t shirt and shorts, her world came into sharp focus.

Her heart dropped as she took in the beige walls of the dingy Dublin hotel room. Somehow she had known it had been a dream, but it didn’t make reality any easier. Though she dreamed quite frequently, rarely did she dream of events that had actually taken place. This time, she had gotten a moment by moment play-by-play with surround sound. Realizing it was no longer real hurt more than she thought it would. She could still feel his arms around her and hear the soft timbre of his voice.

He had thanked her for loving him. She remembered back to that particular night together. She hadn’t known what to say to him after that. She thought that a confession of love from him was the most important thing he could ever say to her. But it wasn’t the words ‘I love you’ that had rendered her speechless. The very idea that he could not only love her, but be grateful enough to thank her for loving him back made her ache with sadness for the child who had turned into an adult, never really knowing love. 

The knocking at the door grew even louder and more insistent, causing Laura to bring her attention back to the present. The dream, which had been so real and vivid only moments before faded like smoke, leaving behind the barest traces of the longing and physical need that had been sitting in the background ever since Remington had left.

She glanced at the clock and did a double take. How had she managed to sleep in until ten in the morning?

Urgently, she threw open the door and found herself face to face with a very alert and annoyingly smug looking Tony Roselli.

“Ahh, I can see you’re up and raring to go,” he said, clearly enjoying the way the tables were now turned. Laura still couldn’t believe she allowed herself the luxury of sleeping in, especially on the very day Tony had promised to have their documents ready.

“I uh, slept in,” she said, cursing herself for the lame reply. Tony smirked and entered the room, making himself at home by flopping down on her bed.

Laura immediately felt her cheeks flush as the memory of what she had been dreaming about only moments ago flashed through her mind. Granted, she and Mr. Steele had never made love in that bed, but the juxtaposition of Tony sitting there so soon after a dream like the one she’d just had was enough.

“I can see that,” he replied, taking in the state of her unmade bed. “Must have been one hell of a dream.”

Laura felt the flush deepen and looked away in the hopes that he wouldn’t notice.

“I take it those are the documents?” She said, as she rummaged haphazardly around the room and began to throw items into her suitcase. If he had kept his end of the bargain that meant they would be leaving soon and Laura wanted to be prepared.

“Sure are,” he replied, tossing them over to her. Startled, she dropped the pair of jeans she had been holding and caught the folder.

She eyed him warily as she opened it. He seemed far too pleased with himself, considering he hadn’t even wanted this to go forward in the first place. Something wasn’t right.

When she looked at the paperwork the pieces clicked into place.

“Wait a minute,” she said angrily flipping through the documents. “This says you’re a Russian diplomat travelling on special assignment and I’m your wife? I never agreed to…”

“I have far more experience than you do when it comes to the Soviet Union,” Tony said. His tone was patient but there was a twinkle in his eye that suggested to Laura he was enjoying her annoyance. He clearly knew her well enough to realize that she wouldn’t want to be sidelined into a role that didn’t give her any agency. She was also smart enough to know that he was right which only made her angrier. “If anybody is going to pass as a legitimate diplomat, it’s me.”

“I understand,” she said trying desperately to keep her temper under control. “Couldn’t I be your associate? Even your secretary?”

“And what happens when they question you?” Tony shot back. “You don’t know the language and we don’t have enough time for me to teach you enough to be believable. Nobody looks twice at a diplomat’s wife. You’ll disappear completely.”

Laura clenched her teeth at the last sentence. So much of her life had been about trying to fit into a society built for men. Men who were expected to be loud, and take up space. Men who got to be heard while she had to fight for every last bit of respect.

“And if they don’t?” Laura countered. “What then?”

Laura was surprised to see a somewhat sheepish look cross Tony’s face.

“Well, if you look at the rest of the file, you’ll see I’ve made arrangements for that too. You’re listed there as being deaf and, uh…mute.”

“I’m sorry, I’m what?” She exclaimed angrily. Having to pretend to be his wife was bad enough, but to be silenced entirely and rely solely on Tony as a means of her survival and the mission’s success went against everything she was, and everything she believed, and Tony knew it.

“Added security, just in case they try to question you,” Tony replied, all traces of apology gone. He had expected this reaction – maybe even counted on it. It was almost as if he was daring her to call the entire thing off. “I will tell the guards that you only know sign language.”

“But I don’t know sign language, any better than I know Russian,” Laura said, allowing her frustration to seep into her voice. “Do you?”

“No,” Tony admitted, “And it’s a gamble, but I am hoping none of them will either.”

“That’s a pretty big risk,” Laura said with a frown. She didn’t like the idea of their entire plan hinging on that one detail, however unlikely it was.

“This entire undertaking is a big risk, Laura,” Tony said, finally allowing the mask to slip and reveal his own frustrations. “You are asking me to take a civilian into one of the most dangerous areas of the world on nothing but a couple of day’s notice and a prayer. This is the best I could come up with and it’s weak, but it’s all I’ve got.”

“And how do we communicate with one another?” Laura asked. “Won’t they think it’s odd when I don’t sign at all, even to my supposed ‘husband’?”

“Look at the papers in the back,” he instructed. Laura turned to the back of the folder and saw a few sheets of American sign language phrases with corresponding images. “It’s limited, but we will both need to study those phrases. If anything goes wrong, I need to be able to tell you to run. And vice versa.”

“Fine,” Laura said through gritted teeth. “I assume this means we are leaving as soon as possible?”

“Whenever you’re ready,” he replied, his tone back to it’s previous smugness. “I have us booked on a flight from Dublin to West Berlin. We drive from there.”

“I’ll need some time to pack,” Laura said with a nod.

“Don’t bother,” Tony replied. “This is a completely different world and your clothes scream ‘modern Western woman of the eighties’. None of them will do.”

“So what the hell do I wear then?” Laura demanded, throwing her suitcase down on the ground in exasperation.

“As always, where you’re concerned my answer is ‘very little to nothing at all’,” Tony replied, with a cheeky smile. She could tell by the look on his face that this was not an attempt to flirt with her. He meant to get under her skin and it was working. “But since you’ve taken great pains to remind me that that option is off the table, I’ve taken the liberty of purchasing some clothing that will look believable with the guards at the check point. I guessed on your size but most of it should fit. It’s all in the car. Whenever you’re ready.”

“Fine,” Laura said quietly, and with as much dignity as she could muster. “Bring me something so I can change. I’ll be ready in five.”


	22. Chapter 22

There were many differences on the other side of the Iron Curtain, but Remington was pleased to discover that the circus was not one of them. An odd, but somewhat comforting constant, the Russian State Circus operated the same way as the ones he had travelled with during his youth as a fire eater. 

The familiar set up and surroundings had made it easier to pass himself and Marissa off as people who had been working the circuit for a long time. He could tell this was a massive relief to Marissa who seemed to have far more anxiety about her role as his assistant than she did getting them through the first check point. 

He could kind of understand why. Getting into Czechoslovakia had been largely her responsibility since she spoke so many languages. She had put a great deal of time and effort into practising what she would say and how she would say it that it had given her something to focus on. 

Now that they were safely through and on the other side, she likely felt adrift and without purpose – a feeling he understood all too well. She would have to rely entirely on him now to ensure that they were able to pass themselves off as regulars on the circus circuit while they made their way through Czechoslovakia into Russia.

Since Russia was the last place that Robert Peters had been seen, they had decided to use the time spent travelling there as a way to establish their credibility. They would use this time to make friends, and let their cover solidify. Remington hoped that by the time they reached Moscow, they would be seen by those around them as trustworthy and could maybe get away with asking a few questions.

They were a rag tag assortment of people, travelling in trucks, vans, RVs and various other methods of transportation. Though it was only about a day’s drive from Czechoslovakia to the USSR, they had many stops to make along the way. It would take at least a week before they reached Russia. Despite the fact that they had a large group of people who worked to set up and tear down the tents and equipment, they were all expected to pitch in to help, regardless of what their job was come show time. They all did so without complaint and Steele managed to use the time to network with everyone involved. They were wary of him at first, being a westerner but once they had a couple of shows under their belt and could see he was the real deal, people begain opening up to him more readily.

Nadia and Aleksandr Petrov were a married couple in their thirties who worked the trapeze, along with a single young woman named Sasha Baranovsky. Thanks to his time briefly working the trapeze with Laura, they were the first people to readily welcome him into their circle. Through them, Steele began slowly collecting information he could hopefully use when it came to trying to make their escape back across the Iron Curtain. He casually worked in questions about their history travelling with the circus, where they were from originally and the route the circus normally took.

Through them, Marissa was able to find a social foothold within the community, becoming friendly with the clowns, and general entertainers as well as the crew that worked to set up and tear down the structure every night. Steele kept his distance from Marissa during the day in an attempt to cover more ground. He figured that if people didn’t know they were travelling together, it would be harder to connect them when it came time to leave. During the evening, however, they often met at a pre-determined location in order to swap information and catch up on the day’s events.

Although he was generally used to more luxurious accommodations, he adjusted to the life of a nomadic performer fairly quickly. While living in LA as Remington Steele, he had been able to put the memories of his former life on a shelf. Somehow in the confines of his beautiful apartment with Laura by his side in front of a crackling fireplace, the memory of that small skinny kid on the street filled with gnawing hunger and rage seemed like an entirely different lifetime. Now, the memories were all too vivid especially when he lay down in his tent at night amid the chill that would inevitably settle in the air.

Most of the time they stayed in hotel rooms either on or close to the highway as they travelled. However, not every town they went to had accommodations to spare and so every now and then they were left to their own devices when it came to sleeping arrangements. Some had mobile homes or other sorts of vehicles with which to sleep in. Marissa had lucked out and had been invited by one of the animal handlers to share their RV. Steele supposed he could have made more of an effort to secure a warmer place to sleep, but the isolation of the tent suited him. His own emotions were still fragile and he didn’t wish to share accommodations with anyone else when the dreams over took him.

Every night he dreamed. They were vivid, and clearer than his dreams had ever been. Sometimes he dreamed of Daniel and the time they spent together. He would awaken from those dreams both saddened by the fact that Daniel was gone, but comforted by the memories of the things he and Daniel had shared.

Sometimes he dreamed of his mother. In those, his mind constructed an image of what he assumed she must have looked like. Those dreams were bittersweet as they were always a creation of events that had never happened and could never happen. Every single one of those dreams was his heart longing for just one moment with the woman who had given him life. Marissa had supplied just enough information for his mind to do the rest.

A good deal of the time, however, he dreamed of Laura. Sometimes he dreamed about the time they had had together. Sometimes he dreamed about the argument they’d had the day he had found her with Antony. Most of the time, however, he dreamed about things that had never happened between them. He dreamed about the nights they could have spent together, if only they hadn’t been so determined to get in each other’s way. He dreamed about all the things he wanted that they might never have. He dreamed about the mistakes he made – only in those dreams, he was able to go back and undo them.

He would wake up, haunted by the happiness of those dreams. Some nights the pain was almost physically unbearable. He was used to being alone, but he wasn’t used to feeling so lonely and he certainly wasn’t used to having had something that mattered only to lose it again. His entire life had been spent chasing an idea. He hadn’t realized that during that chase, he had found everything he had ever wanted in Laura Holt. And now he had potentially lost it.

Though mostly everyone else had settled in for the night, Steele couldn’t bring himself to shut his eyes. Tonight for some reason, he found himself consumed by thoughts of Laura and he wasn’t sure he could handle the dreams he would inevitably have, should he succumb to his exhaustion.

After a restless hour alone, he decided to take a walk. They had made camp on a roadside near a small river, which Steele was grateful for. He wasn’t sure why, but the proximity of a body of water, however small, always helped him to gather his thoughts.

He was surprised after about ten minutes to see Marissa heading towards him. They’d already exchanged their information earlier and since it was well past eleven o’clock, he’d assumed she was in bed.

“Couldn’t sleep either, huh?” Marissa smiled as she reached the edge of the river where he was standing.

“Yes, well, I’m not exactly staying at the Ritz, am I?” He responded wryly.

“Better than that car,” she pointed out with a small chuckle.

“Yes, a small mercy indeed,” he agreed, feeling more relaxed by the moment. Marissa seemed to have a way about her that took at least some of the weight he’d been carrying off his shoulders without ever seeming to pry. “Shouldn’t you be getting your rest? We have a show tomorrow.”

“You’re the brains behind the show,” she reminded him. “I’m just along for the ride.”

“I don’t know about that,” he said as he stooped down and picked up a small stone and tossed it. It made a soft ‘plop’ as it disappeared beneath the calm water. “You handled yourself pretty well at that first check point. You might be made for this kind of thing.”

“Maybe it runs in the family,” she suggested as she also picked up a stone and gave it a throw.

“Yes, your father certainly had a lot of experience working in intelligence,” Steele agreed. “Only natural some of it would have rubbed off on you.” He knelt down and picked up another stone.

“I meant you, actually,” Marissa said. Surprised, Steele faltered mid-throw and the stone fell to the ground. He looked at her, but couldn’t quite read her expression in the darkness. Up until now their familial connection had remained the elephant in the room. She had told him about his mother, but mainly in the context of her own history. He hadn’t pushed for more information, fearing that doing so might snap the tenuous bond they were creating. “You and your father did this for a living, did you not? You’re both awfully good at it.”

“A means to an end, for me,” Steele said roughly. “Something to get me off the street. Get away from the life I was living. Daniel…my father, taught me the ropes. For him it was an art form. I thought it was for me as well, but I found it much easier to leave the life than I thought I would.”

“Because of your partner?” Marissa asked. Steele eyed her warily. This was the first time the topic of Laura had come up. Both had avoided talking about it. Steele, because it was too hard for him to articulate to someone he hardly knew, and Marissa presumably because of the same reason. “Or is she your wife? I heard her referred to as Mrs. Steele.”

“That is a very complicated situation,” Steele said with a small sigh. He gave Marissa a long look, attempting to determine whether her interest was purely for her sake or for his. In the end, he couldn’t be sure but he realized it really didn’t matter. Who cared who knew what the relationship between him and Laura had been when he had already potentially ruined anything it might be? “Daniel may have told you that I left the life when I began working in LA as Remington Steele. Laura and I became…close. Very close. And, as far as US immigration was aware, we were married. But it was a ruse…something we both concocted so that I could stay in the country.”

“She must have really cared for you to go to such great lengths to keep you there,” Marissa said quietly. Steele couldn’t bring himself to look her in the eye, though he wasn’t entirely sure why.

“Perhaps,” he conceded. He ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “But that’s behind us now. I’m here and she’s….well to be honest, I’m not quite sure where she is.”

“You know that’s the most you’ve ever told me about yourself since we left on this trip?” Marissa said, her voice betraying her surprise.

“I wasn’t aware I was that closed off,” Steele replied, uncomfortable that his standoffishness was being called out.

Marissa sighed and put a hand gently on his shoulder.

“Look, I’m under no illusions here. Just because we are related, doesn’t mean we are a family. I know why I’m here, but I honestly have no idea why you are. I mean you’re risking your life for what? To get to know a cousin you didn’t even know existed? To finish what your father started?”

“I…”

She put a hand up to stop him from speaking and continued.

“It doesn’t matter to me. But did it ever occur to you that my history with family hasn’t been great, either? I mean the one relative I thought truly cared about me is gone and my relationship with my father is shaky at best. I’m not trying to find him just because of one fight. I am trying to find him to repair a damaged relationship that has lasted our entire lives. I don’t want to wake up one morning and realize I was too late. And I’m afraid that’s where things might be already so here I am.”

“So you risked your life to try to patch things up with your father,” Steele mused softly. He picked up another stone and absentmindedly turned it over in his hands. “Do you think that’s possible? When we find him, I mean?”

“To patch things up?” Marissa said, her tone slightly surprised. “I…I don’t know. I hope so.”

“And what will you do if it isn’t?” Steele wondered, realizing for the first time that he and Marissa might be on similar paths.

She sighed deeply and stepped closer to him. He wasn’t sure why, but her presence felt familiar and comfortable. For the first time since the trip started, he felt as if Marissa might understand at least some of what he was going through. It was a good feeling, and took the edge slightly off his loneliness.

“I haven’t really thought that far ahead,” Marissa said wryly. She took a deep breath. “I suppose that means I will have to start all over again. You know, new life, new me. It won’t be easy. Even patching things up with my father will mean learning how to be a different person. We both fall into these patterns that cause us to fight. There’s just something about both of our personalities that cause us to clash.”

“So how do you get around that?” Steele wondered.

  
“I don’t know,” Marissa replied with a laugh and shrug of her shoulders. “How does anybody learn to change? I guess we just have to decide whether staying stuck in our old ways is worth losing the people we care about. I have a feeling you understand what I mean.”

“I do,” Steele replied after a long pause. “But like you, I don’t have any of the answers. I mean even when we try to change, we…”

He trailed off, suddenly feeling very overwhelmed and very tired. He scuffed his shoe softly against the river’s edge.

“I didn’t tell you what I did for a living before all this started, did I?” Marissa asked him.

“No, you didn’t,” Steele replied. “Should you have?”

  
“I’m a therapist,” she said with a small laugh. “Rather ironic isn’t it? I mean I spend my life helping others sort through their problems, but can’t figure out my own. But it’s what I’m good at. We all have something, right?”

“I used to think so,” Steele agreed suddenly feeling more lost than ever.

“Look, I know we’re not close. Not yet. Just because we’re related doesn’t mean some magical connection will form between us. I’m not naïve. But, I want to get to know you. And not just because our lives depend on the two of us working well together.”

Marissa reached out and gently touched Steele’s arm.

“If you’re not comfortable talking to me as a cousin, you could maybe try…”

“What…therapy?” He raised an eyebrow sceptically.

“An impartial ear,” she replied. Steele looked at her, and pondered their conversation. He wanted to open up. He wanted someone to talk to more than he had ever realized. But he was also starting to realize – albeit maybe too late – that the person he wanted to speak to the most, might never want to hear from him again.

The pain cut through him anew. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he took a step backward from Marissa.

“It’s late,” he said finally after a few moment’s silence. “I should get some sleep.”

“Of course,” she said.


	23. Chapter 23

Laura Holt gasped as she took in the site of the room before her. She hadn’t really been sure what to expect when posing as a Russian diplomat on the other side of the iron curtain, but this certainly wasn’t it.

The room was bare and void of any sort of personality. A double bed with an old iron frame sat in the middle of the room. A thin brown blanket covered the bed, along with a couple of flat pillows. The rest of the room was not much better.

A small loveseat was located to the left of the bed. The fabric was threadbare and featured numerous questionable stains on the seat cushions.

A simple table sat to the right of the bed along with a small coffee maker, fridge and dresser drawer. The wallpaper was beige and contributed to the depressing and drab surroundings.

“This is how a diplomat travels?” She said incredulously. She didn’t like to think of herself as a snob, but she had definitely expected the life of a government official to be more luxurious than what she saw in front of her. Thinking back to their experience crossing into East Berlin, however, she shouldn’t have been surprised.

It was like an entirely different world. She’d read about the dangers that lay beyond the iron curtain, but she had done so from a position of safety and relative privilege. This was certainly an eye opener.

“Not quite the cosy middle class lifestyle you’re used to, is it?” Tony said, appearing suddenly at her left side. Laura jumped slightly. She’d been so caught up in her own thoughts she’d forgotten he was there.

“It’s not what I was expecting,” she admitted, guardedly. For whatever reason, she didn’t like the idea that Tony thought of her as some kind of spoiled brat unused to hardship. Though she hadn’t spent as much time scraping to get by as Mr. Steele, she generally saw herself as pretty adaptable to whatever circumstances she found herself in. If this was what it was like on the other side of the Iron Curtain, so be it. She would make do. “Where is your room?”

“My room?” Tony said with an edge of amusement in his voice, “is right here.”

“Oh no,” Laura replied, shaking her head vigorously. “Separate rooms. I didn’t agree to this.”

“We’re supposed to be married, remember?” Tony argued back. “Nobody will buy a married couple on diplomatic assignment sleeping in different rooms.”

“Tell them you snore,” Laura shot back through gritted teeth. The stress of the past few days was finally catching up with her. Despite the fact that they had been together 24/7 after they’d left Ireland, the thought of having to share a room with Tony was absolutely unacceptable. It was one thing to be trapped in a car with him taking shifts as they drove the seven hours from East Berlin, to Warsaw, but it was quite another to be sharing a room.

“No can do,” he replied in a tone that was anything but regretful. “You’re stuck with me.”

Laura let out a noise of extreme exasperation, as she flopped down onto the bed. She glared at him, angrily.

“It’s like you go out of your way to make things difficult,” she spat at him.

“Oh no, that would be all you, princess,” Tony replied. “Stopping for the night was your idea, remember? I wanted to keep driving. Booking this room is like announcing to all the wrong people that we are here. The less attention we call to ourselves, the better. I explained that, but you wouldn’t listen. You never listen.”

“So what, you arrange to have us share a room to make a point?” Laura fired back, her cheeks red with embarrassment and anger. “Or were you just hoping I would succumb to your dubious charm?”

“Boy are you full of yourself,” Tony said with a mirthless chuckle. “That may be how things work with you and your fake husband, but that’s not how I operate.”

“Don’t you dare bring him into this,” Laura hissed.

“Nothing would make me happier,” Tony snapped, taking two large steps towards her, and kneeling down until they were nose to nose. “But let’s make one thing perfectly clear. I’m a pretty straight shooter. I was upfront about how I felt about you from day one. I am not playing any games here. I don’t need to maneuver us into a hotel room. You only have to ask.”

“That’s never going to happen,” Laura said, exhaling slowly and letting some of her own anger drain out. Tony nodded, and stood up, his eyes not leaving hers.

“That’s what I thought,” he said with a hint of regret in his tone. “You wanna flip a coin for the bed?”

  
Laura sighed and stood up. She reached into her pocket, pulled out a coin and called heads. She was mildly relieved to see it had come up in her favour, leaving Tony to sort out how he would possibly fit on the loveseat.

Watching him do so, she felt a slight tinge of pity and briefly considered relinquishing her spot on the bed. He was, after all, much taller than she was. She was about to make the suggestion when he finished his vein attempt at fluffing the extraordinarily flat pillow, sat down and looked up at her with that trademark arrogant smirk. All pity vanished into thin air.

“What is so funny?” She asked him, feeling slightly uncomfortable and off guard. She wasn’t sure why, but even though she and Tony were not close, she felt there were times he could see right through her. It was a talent she thought only Mr. Steele possessed and yet somehow Tony seemed to understand how she operated, sometimes better than she did.

“You and Steele,” Tony began. Laura put her hand up.

  
“I told you not to bring him into this,” she reminded him as she attempted to fluff her own pillows with limited success. In reality she was trying to avoid having to make eye contact while speaking about Mr. Steele. Tony Roselli was the last person she wanted to bare her soul to.

“Look, you and I are going to be stuck together for a while,” he reasoned, “and if we are chasing after him, I am going to have questions. You can’t put me off forever. I’m risking my damn life here. What’s going on between you two? Why aren’t you on this trip with him instead?”

“I keep asking myself that same question,” Laura muttered, as she finally gave up and slammed the pillow down in defeat.

“So are you two together or not?” Tony pressed.

“I don’t know!” Laura exclaimed, throwing her hands up in exasperation. “I know we were trying to be. We were heading for something and then somehow it all fell apart. And then he left. And all I know is that I have to find him. I have to make things right and if I can’t do that, I at least need to make sure he’s okay.”

She looked over, and was surprised to see Tony staring at her thoughtfully with a hint of empathy in his eyes. It unnerved her even more than his teasing did, because it meant they had more in common than she realised. It occurred to her once more that apart from his most basic bio, she knew very little about the man in front of her. All frustrations aside, could he have possibly lost someone too?

“You do love him then,” he said. It wasn’t a question. He phrased it as if coming to a conclusion. Somehow Laura knew that meant he finally understood that there could never be anything more between the two of them and she felt a weight lift from her shoulders.

“Yes, I do.” She replied quietly. It was the first time she had said it to anyone other than him and it felt good – as if letting another person know, even if that person was Tony meant that it was real. If she never saw Mr. Steele again, there would be someone in the world who knew she had loved him.

“Did I screw things up between the two of you?” Tony asked, wincing slightly as he spoke. “When I showed up at the Castle that day, I mean.”

“Boy are you full of yourself,” Laura teased, attempting to lighten the mood a little. She sighed, slid off the bed and went to sit next to him on the loveseat. “No, you didn’t screw things up. At least, not anymore than they already were. We had been ignoring a lot of problems between us. I guess we were both hoping they would go away. You showing up along with Daniel’s death just brought it out into the open. I should never have let him go.”

“In my experience,” Tony said drawing the words out slowly as if trying to come to some internal decision himself, “if a person is determined enough to do something, nothing you can do will stop them. You’re doing all you can right now. And if it means anything, I think he cares for you more than you will ever know.”

“Why do you say that?” Laura asked, curious once again how Tony could be so sure about a man he barely knew.

“Call it instinct,” he replied. Laura sighed, knowing she would get little out of him if he didn’t wish to tell her.

“Why do I get the feeling you understand this more than you’re letting on?” She finally asked him. Tony smiled.

“Let’s just say you and I are not all that different and leave it at that.”

“Alright,” Laura said, standing up and taking a deep breath. “It’s been a long day. I think it’s time we get ready for bed.”

She made her way over to her suitcase and began to gather the things she would need in order to change in the bathroom.

“Hey Laura?” Tony said, his voice sounded slightly hesitant. She turned. “I know we’ve closed the door on the possibility of becoming lovers, but what about friends?”

“I…” Laura trailed off hesitantly. She’d seen a different side to Tony just now and there was a part of her that was beginning to genuinely like him as a person. However, she also knew that what had happened between them in the past represented everything she’d allowed to go wrong in her relationship with Mr. Steele. Allowing a friendship, however innocently meant, might jeapordize any attempt she might make to fix things between the two of them. “I think for now we should just concentrate on finding Mr. Steele.”

“Yeah sure,” Tony replied curtly. “Whatever you say.”


	24. Chapter 24

_Remington was dreaming again. This time there was no question or ambiguity regarding that fact, as he found himself basking in the warmth of his own apartment in Los Angeles. The fire was at full roar, the lights dim and despite the artificial nature of the scene, he found he could almost smell gourmet meal he was cooking in the kitchen._

_His clothing choice of a charcoal grey wool sweater with light coloured blue jeans let him know that this was no random scenario. It was the outfit he had intended to wear when he proposed to Laura. In fact, the entire situation he found himself in was exactly the way he had planned his proposal down to the choice of music playing softly in the background._

_The only thing missing was Laura herself. Of course, as soon as that entered his mind, a soft knock at the door sounded. Looking down, he saw the velvet box that contained her engagement ring in his hands._

_Despite knowing that it was a dream, Remington couldn’t control the quickening of his heartbeat. Even in his mind, the prospect of asking Laura to be his wife was both terrifying and exhilarating._

_He placed the box into his pocket and took two long deep strides towards the door. On the other side, Laura stood looking as nervous as he felt. His heart almost stopped entirely as he took in just how lovely she was. Her makeup was light, highlighting the natural beauty of her face and hair fell gently around her shoulders. She wore a casual light blue summer dress that hugged her in all the right places._

_“I’m a little early,” she said somewhat apologetically._

_He cleared his throat, realizing he was blocking the door and moved to the side. Inwardly told himself that dream or not, this was his chance to get it right – to fix what he broke. It was his second chance with Laura and he wasn’t going to blow it even if it changed nothing in his waking life._

_“Not early at all,” he assured her, ushering her inside and over to the couch. She sat down, looking up at him as she smoothed her hands against the fabric of her dress._

_“It smells incredible,” she offered, attempting to break the silence. Why was this so frightening? How many evenings had they spent this way? Was this is way of working through the many fears his own subconscious had? “What is it?”_

_“Lamb L’Arabique,” he replied, feeling a bit more comfortable on the subject of food. “It’s a new recipe. I wanted to try it for this occasion.”_

_“Is this an occasion?” Laura asked, her deep brown eyes meeting his for the first time. He swallowed and reached into his pocket. If this were real, he might have waited longer, but Steele knew this was a dream and that the time he had was finite. He could wake up at any moment and he didn’t want to spent any more time waiting. If it never happened any other way, he wanted to ask her here and now._

_“I want it to be,” he told her, his voice raspy and uncertain. He could feel his heart hammering against his chest as he pulled the box from his pocket and knelt down in front of the couch._

_If Laura knew what he was about to do, she didn’t show it. Her brown eyes registered confusion only. He took a deep breath and opened the box._

_“I had an entire speech prepared,” he admitted. “But I can’t remember a word of it. It always seems words fail me, doesn’t it?”_

_  
“Remington?” Her voice was full of wonder as the full realization of what he was trying to do hit her. That she had used the name ‘Remington’ was further proof to him that this was in fact in no way real. Even in his sleep, it hurt to know that his name was still such a sore spot for him. Those few brief days in which she had used it had been the best in his entire life, despite the loss of Daniel and the uncertainty of his future. Until he had seen her with Tony and discovered she had been keeping secrets from him, he had thought that one thing had finally clicked into place._

_But that didn’t matter here. Nothing mattered except getting Laura to say yes. Taking a deep breath, he spoke._

_“I love you. I know those words have always been difficult for me. It doesn’t make them any less true. I want you in my life. Now, tomorrow and until the day I die. Will you marry me, Laura?”_

_“I…” she swallowed hard. He could see the love in her eyes and he wondered if it was his mind manufacturing the Laura he so desperately wanted, or if he was calling to mind the times she had truly looked at him that way._

_“Please say yes,” he found himself saying._

_“Yes,” she whispered softly. “Yes. Of course the answer is yes.”_

Steele woke with a start, his heart racing as he sat up and shook away the remnants of the dream. It wasn’t the first time he’d dreamed of what it might be like to propose to Laura, but it was the first time his dream had been that lucid.

He wasn’t sure what it meant that he had been able to control certain aspects of the dream in order to fulfil the outcome he so desperately wanted. It was probably the closest to travelling back in time that he was ever going to get, and that thought depressed him immensely.

Still, it was too simple to just pretend that if he’d proposed to her before immigration had come knocking at his door that everything would have worked out. There were fundamental problems within the relationship that neither had been willing to address and though the fake marriage may have forced them into the light, it wasn’t the cause.

Steele wasn’t sure what that meant for him. He had no idea if he would be able to get past all the hurt on both sides and return to the agency. He wanted to, but every time he considered it, he heard the conversation between Laura and Tony. Hearing Laura admit to Tony that there was a time in which she felt that the two of them were only going through the motions of their relationship cut him to the very core. Add to that, the knowledge she had possessed about Daniel and he oscillated between anger and deep, desperate sadness. He wasn’t sure which would eventually win out.

He also knew that if he did decide to go back to Laura and the agency that there was a good chance she might not want him, and that was entirely of his own making. They were thoughts that plagued him daily.

Checking his watch he swore softly under his breath. He was late for his nightly rendezvous with Marissa. Annoyed, he threw on his coat and left the dingy motel room they had checked into after that evening’s show.

The show itself had gone fairly well. They had finally crossed over from Czechoslovakia into the Soviet Union two nights before. He and Marissa had decided that it was time to discreetly start showing people her father’s photograph in the hopes that someone might have seen or heard something about his whereabouts. So far, they had gotten no response, but Steele wasn’t discouraged. These sorts of things took time and they had quite a few shows to do before they reached Moscow.

As he suspected, Marissa was already waiting for him on a street corner two blocks away from the motel.

“You’re late,” she said as he arrived. He could hear annoyance in her voice and suspected it was due to the fact that she’d been waiting alone on the street for him longer than made her comfortable.

“I’m sorry,” he said sincerely. “I fell asleep.”

They fell into step together and began walking, neither liking the idea of staying in one spot for too long.

“I showed his photo around like you said,” Marissa told him, cutting right to the chase. “Nobody recognised it.”

“I had the same result,” Steele told her. “But that’s to be expected. We’ve only just started.”

“Do you honestly think this approach is going accomplish anything?” Marissa asked. “I know this isn’t my general area of expertise, but it feels a bit like a needle in a haystack. Do you know how many people there are in the Soviet Union?”

“Too many,” Steele agreed. He gave her a brief look out of the corner of his eye. He hadn’t told her everything about his plan, as it was extremely risky and potentially very dangerous. He had hoped she would just go along with it and not ask too many questions. Unfortunately, that did not seem to be the case. 

“So then what’s the point of it all?” Marissa said, exasperation creeping into her voice. She instantly corrected herself and lowered her voice so that they wouldn’t be heard by passers by. “Isn’t there something more efficient we could be doing?”

Steele sighed. He could tell she wasn’t about to let this go. Like himself, Marissa appeared to be very stubborn. _Maybe it runs in my family._ The random thought surprised him. Could this have been something she picked up from his mother? They had spent a lot of time together before her death.

It was that realization that caused him to rethink things. She was family. Whether they were close or not, they were in this together. She knew the risk they were taking when they left Ireland and had not backed down once. Keeping her in the dark about things would do neither of them any good.

“I haven’t been honest with you,” he said slowly. They rounded a corner and headed down another isolated and darkened city block. “I am not hoping to find your father by showing his photograph around.”

“So what then?” Marissa asked quietly. Something in his tone must have indicated the seriousness of what he was about to say. “What are we hoping to find?”

“His enemies,” Steele replied grimly. “We are deep in the lion’s den right now. People are already suspicious of us. We aren’t going to find him by getting people to talk to us. Showing his photo around however, will alert every spy from here to Siberia.”

“We’ll be a target,” Marissa said, a chill entering her voice as the full weight of his plan hit her. “You want to use us as bait and flush out the people who took him.”

“A bunch of Westerners showing a photo around and asking questions is bound to get back to the wrong people. When it does…”

“We’ll be killed!” She exclaimed, rounding on him, her eyes wide with fear. “What the hell were you thinking? Why didn’t you ask me about this first?”

“Because you would have said no,” Steele replied patiently. He kept walking in the hopes that her outburst had not attracted any undue attention. “And they won’t kill us right away. They will need to know how much we know and who else we may have contacted.”

“So they’ll torture us then?” She shot back, no longer caring how loud her voice was. Steele felt his anxiety level rise, despite the fact that there was nobody visible in earshot.

“We need to get their attention.” He said, his voice still steady. “They’ll watch us first. They’ll wait until they feel we are becoming too much of a liability. I am hoping by that time we will have an idea of who they are and can get to them before they get to us.”

“And do what?” She was quieter this time, but the fear in her voice was palpable. Steele instantly felt a pang of regret for putting her in this position. He’d gotten so used to being on the exact same wavelength with Laura, that it hadn’t occurred to him just how frightening this could be for someone who wasn’t used to life or death situations. Even still, she was here, and he had owed it to her to communicate his plan before putting it into action.

“Lure them in, set a trap and question them until we get the information we need,” he said honestly. “That’s the best case scenario.”

“And the worst?” She said, her voice hesitant and fearful. Steele cleared his throat uncomfortably.

“I, uh, believe you covered it with the torture and death.”

They walked on for the next few moments, the only sound being that of their feet against the pavement and traffic in the distance. The streets were dark, with only a few streetlights actually working. Steele could see Marissa looking fearfully at the shadows as she processed everything he’d told her.

“We are supposed to be doing this together,” Marissa said eventually, her voice steadier, but the fear still present in her eyes. “How dare you make this decision without me?”

“I’m sorry,” he said, putting his hands in his pockets and looking off into the distance. “Laura would be the first to tell you that communication is not my strong suit. Still, I should have told you what my plan was. It was wrong.”

“Is this because of her?” She asked, her voice a little softer now. She looked at him with a mixture of empathy and anger.

“What do you mean?” His voice was sharper now, more guarded. She looked at him again, this time all traces of empathy gone. When she spoke, the words came fast and angry.

“Look I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but your life isn’t the only one at stake here so if you’re planning on throwing it away because your relationship went south, I deserve to know.” 

“You think I’m trying to get us captured?” He asked incredulously.

“I think maybe you don’t care what happens to you right now,” she replied simply. “And I’ve seen a lot of patients who lose someone and…”

“I’m not a patient,” he interrupted, his jaw clenched tightly. “And I don’t plan to spend the rest of my days in a Russian prison being tortured as a spy. We are going to find your father and get him home.”

“And then what?” Marissa reached out and touched his arm. They both stopped as he turned to face her. “It’s not enough to want to live. You need to have something to live for.”

Steele felt his entire body go rigid as he felt the full impact of her words. His mind flashed back to the dream he’d had just before leaving the motel. In the dream, he’d had everything he had ever wanted. He’d had a place, a name, and Laura loved him fully and without reservation. There had been no false wedding, no Tony Roselli and he’d been blissfully unaware of his true relationship to Daniel Chalmers.

But it had all vanished like so much smoke the moment he opened his eyes. Reality was a lot less forgiving. Everything he had thought he’d been working towards had been destroyed by their inability to trust and be honest with one another.

What would he do when he returned? Would he stay in Ireland? Go back to Los Angeles? Would Laura even want him to try? Or would she have left him a note telling him not to bother to contact her ever again?

It was that question of after that haunted him. Knowing there wasn’t anything specific he would be going back to was a sobering and painful thought.

Eventually, he found his voice. Swallowing hard, he looked away from Marissa, and spoke, repeating the words he’d found himself saying to Laura what felt like a lifetime ago.

“Don’t worry about me,” he told her quietly. “I’ll go on. It’s all any of us can do.”


	25. Chapter 25

Laura Holt woke the following morning to the sound of a body stumbling around in the darkness. It took her a few moments to realize the sounds she was hearing were not only made by another person in the room, but that that other person was someone other than Remington.

It was a disappointing realization when she finally gained full consciousness. She and Remington hadn’t had many days in which they had woken up together, but the ones they’d had had been some of the most blissful mornings of her life.

She could hardly believe somehow she had gone from waking up in the master bedroom of an Irish castle in the arms of Remington Steele, to a dingy motel room in a creaky bed with Tony Roselli stumbling around the room doing God knows what. The contrast was so sharp it was almost painful. How had she let it get to this point?

She sat up, rubbing her eyes and watched as Tony hurriedly shoved on a pair of pants and groped around for a shirt. Flicking on the light, he looked at her in surprise. Clearly he hadn’t expected his movements to wake her.

Laura immediately became suspicious. Glancing at the clock on the wall, she saw that it was only four in the morning. They had agreed they wanted to be on the road by eight. The sun hadn’t even come up yet, so why was he scrambling so quickly to get dressed?

“Going somewhere?” She asked.

“As a matter of fact, yes.” Tony replied, his tone short. He didn’t even bother to look at her as he threw on a shirt.

“Are you going to tell me where, or do I have to guess?” Laura demanded, her voice a little louder now, though still conscious of the fact that the walls were thin.

Tony sighed.

“Laura, does the fact that I was getting dressed in the dark not tell you something?”

“Yes,” Laura said, trying not to lose her patience which was already on a razor thin edge. “It tells me you still don’t trust me and you’re trying to keep me on the side lines yet again.”

“Maybe I’m just trying to keep you safe,” Tony argued, though the anger had left his voice. Laura was surprised at how tired he sounded. Then again, it was four in the morning and she didn’t think either of them had gotten much sleep.

“That’s not your job,” she reminded him coldly. It was strange. Despite the numerous arguments that she’d had with Remington about this very same thing, not once did she feel that he was trying to protect her out of some macho belief that he was naturally better suited to the job. Oh, at the time it had infuriated her to hear someone else tell her that something might be too dangerous, but deep down it unsettled her because she knew that Remington cared deeply for her and that if something happened to her it would devastate him. The idea that someone cared that much had been what had terrified her, and what had made her double down every time they argued.

Tony, on the other hand was behaving the same way every other thick headed misogynist in her life had. Every time he told her to stay back and let him handle things it reminded her of all the other male detectives at Havenhurst who would call her ‘little lady’ and humoured her every time she assumed herself to be an equal. It reminded her of all her male clients who would ask to see “her boss”, treated her like a secretary or just simply talked over her and addressed only Murphy. It infuriated her, especially since she was certain he didn’t even know he was doing it.

“My job,” Tony said curtly, his teeth clenched as he tried to remain civil, “is to get us back alive. That’s what I’m trying to do. I’m meeting with some contacts that I still have in the region. They don’t trust outsiders which means if I bring you, they will either give us the information I need, or shoot us and leave our bodies in the gutter. It could go either way.”

“Then you better figure it out, because there is no way I’m staying behind,” Laura said. Grimly, she padded into the bathroom and threw some clothing on as fast as she could. She was surprised when she left the bathroom to find him waiting for her.

“Can’t have you wandering the streets at four in the morning looking for me,” he said in response to her the look she must have given him. He tossed her a jacket and she followed him out the door.

As they walked she rubbed her eyes and tried to focus on the task at hand. This was the first concrete step they had taken to finding Remington and Marissa. She had no idea who these contacts were that Tony was meeting, but she had to believe that there was a reasonable enough assumption that whoever it was could help them find them. If they still could be found, that is.

It was a thought she had been pushing to the back of her mind this entire time. Every time Tony brought up just how dangerous things were for them it chilled her to the very bone. Not for her own safety, but for his. They had always worked best as a team and although she knew him to be the cleverest, most resourceful man she’d ever met, there was a small part of her that feared something may have happened to him.

The thought of him hurt, possibly dying, alone somewhere in unforgiving territory was one she couldn’t bear to dwell on. He’d spent so much of his life alone and feeling as if nobody cared about him. It broke her heart to imagine that somewhere out there he could be feeling that. In moments like this, however, it was very difficult not to think of all the awful possibilities, especially when she had nobody to confide her fears in.

She shot a side glance at Tony. No, he wasn’t someone who would understand what she was going through. Regardless of his reasons for being here – reasons which remained a mystery to Laura – she knew he wasn’t someone she trust with her deepest fears.

“You keep turning your neck like that, you’re going to sprain something,” Tony said, as she turned to look at him again. They were walking at a brisk pace through cobbled streets and buildings that all looked the same. It was brisk and cold, and the air was heavy with the promise of rain.

“Just wondering if you’re going to tell me where we’re going,” she replied. Tony was silent for a moment.

“Technically since you invited yourself on this little outing, I don’t have to tell you squat,” he finally replied. Before she could interrupt, he continued, “but since you asked so nicely, we’re going to church.”

“And these people you’re meeting?” She asked, hoping to get more information out of him. She couldn’t help but notice the grim surroundings as she struggled to keep up with Tony. There were little to no streetlights, rusted out cars littered the streets, abandoned where they sat. Apartment blocks were made out of cold granite, many of them sporting broken or boarded up windows and bars.

Tony sighed.

  
“A few years go, my people sent myself and another agent here after the government imposed Martial Law. My mission was to gain information on whether or not there were any underground movements fighting the communists and to help in any way that I could. I made contact with a secret trade union organization called Solidarity. They had a whole network of people from here to Moscow working to bring down the regime. My partner and I used the network to get to Moscow undetected and to infiltrate some of the highest levels of government.”

His voice turned grim and his eyes had hardened. Something about the memories he was reliving was painful for him.

“Things got pretty dicey and eventually my partner and I had to make a quick exit. I made it out. My partner didn’t. My superiors weren’t happy with how it went down, so they sent me to South America. I still have some pull with Solidarity, even though they aren’t as prominent as they were a few years ago.”

Laura noticed a shadow cross over his features as he discussed the loss of his partner. He’d tried to hide it, but there was genuine pain in his voice as he spoke. Could it be that coming back here was more personal for him than she thought? And if so, why had he done it? She was tempted to ask him about it but decided against it.

“And if he didn’t go through Poland?” Laura asked. She knew when they chose their route, there was a chance Steele might have gone a different way.

“These guys are pretty connected,” Tony replied as they reached an old dilapidated church at the end of the street. “If they’re still alive, they will find them.”

Laura suppressed a shudder at Tony’s blunt assessment of the situation. As they approached the door, he turned to her.

“I can’t guarantee they’ll talk to me with you here. It puts them at risk.” He didn’t wait for her to reply before raising his first and banging rapidly on the door. Laura noticed the pattern immediately. It was a knock designed to let them know who he was.

The door opened a crack. Tony peaked his head inside.

“It’s Roselli,” he said.

“Who’s your friend?” The voice, a deep baritone on the other end, asked.

“My name is Laura Holt,” Laura said. Against Tony’s wishes, she pushed past him and spoke into the darkness. “I’m a private investigator from Los Angeles.”

The door shut almost immediately almost crushing her nose in the process.

“Good work,” Tony said sarcastically. He tried knocking again, but got no response. After a few moments of knocking, Laura heard the unmistakable sound of a gun being cocked from an alleyway behind her.

“Please,” she said, putting her arms in the air. “I’m not your enemy. I need your help. I’m looking for someone….a friend of mine. I’m worried about him.”

“You were told to come alone, Roselli,” a higher pitched female voice said from the darkness behind them.

“I know,” Tony said with a sigh. “I couldn’t stop her. Look, she’s right about one thing, she’s not your enemy. We just need to talk to Aleksy. Please, just a few moments. Then we’ll go away. I promise. Please…for Kathleen.”

A tense moment of silence, followed by the door opening, told Laura that he’d said the right thing. Cautiously the both entered.

It was drafty and cold inside the church. The only source of lighting were several strategically placed oil lamps and candles. Like many of the other buildings, many of the windows were broken. Attempts had been made to cover them, but it was clearly not their main priority.

Inside, there was a small table in the middle of the room, but no chairs surrounding it. A fire burned in a large drum situated to the side. There were no pews in the church causing Laura to assume that whatever wood they were burning must have come from them. She wondered where they would get wood to burn when they ran out. Various words were spray painted along the walls lining the inside of the church but since they were in Polish, Laura could not read them.

The woman with the gun followed them in and shut the door. In the dim light, Laura could see that she appeared to be roughly the same age as Laura, however years of hard living and desperate circumstances had taken their toll. She was skinny in a way that suggested food was scarce. Her hair, limp and lifeless was a light brown. It looked as if she hadn’t had a warm bath in quite some time and the other man inside was not much different.

Tony stepped forward and shook the hand of a tall, thin man with shoulder length hair and a scruffy beard.

“Casmir,” he said, “it’s good to see you.”

“Likewise, my friend,” Casmir answered. His voice was the one with the deep baritone that had answered the door. “You must be the impulsive American trying to barge through the door, putting us all at risk.”

His tone was good-natured, but Laura knew she had made a mistake in announcing herself the way she had.

“I’m sorry,” she said sincerely, “I didn’t mean to put anyone in danger.”

“I’m Lena,” the girl told Laura. “And this is Aleksy.”

Laura looked to the right where Lena pointed and saw the third man in the room. He was slightly shorter than Casmir, with close cropped hair and dark eyes. He was clean shaven which surprised her slightly as both Lena and Casmir looked as if they had been sleeping fairly rough.

“So you’re looking for another American?” Aleksy asked, not missing a beat.

“We’re looking for three people actually,” Laura said. “They’re Irish, though two of them sound American.”

“Not a great place for a vacation,” Aleksy said, his voice suspicious. He clearly still didn’t trust her, which Laura suspected was a natural safety measure.

“That’s not why they’re here.” Laura replied. She knew she had to treat carefully here. Lying would do her no favours but the truth might be equally as dangerous. If they knew that Marissa’s father had been a spy, they might not want to venture any further information. “Five years ago, one of them – a man named Robert Peters – disappeared somewhere near Moscow. My friend is also a private investigator and he and Peter’s daughter are trying to find him.”

“So why aren’t you travelling with him?” Lena asked. Laura wasn’t sure if she was imagining the hint of empathy she heard in Lena’s voice.

“He and I...we had an argument,” Laura finally said. “He left before I could make it right. I need to find them.”

“How the hell did she rope you into this, Roselli?” Casmir asked, baffled.

“I made a promise,” was all Tony said. Laura had no idea what he meant by that, but this wasn’t the time to question it. “Look I know this isn’t your mandate, and if you want to tell me to go to hell, I understand. I’ve put you guys in enough danger by coming here. I get it. But if you have any information….any at all, we would be extremely grateful.”

“It’s a pretty big ask,” Aleksy acknowledged. A slow, deliberate pause followed by a large sigh. “But I can’t imagine Kathleen turning down someone in need of help. I’m going to need the names of the two people searching for Robert Peters and any photographs you might have.”

“Marissa Peters,” Laura replied gratefully. “She’s his daughter.”

“And your friend?” Casmir asked, “what’s his name?”

Laura let out a small breath she’d been holding. She’d been expecting this question and hadn’t been sure how to respond.

“My friend goes by a number of names at times,” she said eventually. “It’s an occupational hazard. I can give you a list of the names that he’s used in the past.”

“That would be helpful.” Lena told her, handing her a piece of paper and a pencil.

Laura thought for a moment and wrote the following names: _Remington Steele, Douglas Quintain, Paul Fabrini, Richard Blaine, Michael O’Leary, John Murell._

Looking the list over, she hesitated, her pencil hovering over the paper. Though he had used all of these names at various points in his past, something told Laura he wouldn’t use them now. So what?

_His parents,_ Laura thought. _He’d want to honour his parents._ She bit her lip as she struggled to remember the name of Remington’s mother. Daniel had mentioned it in the letter. _O’Flannery? No, that wasn’t it. O’Flaherty!_

Putting the pen back onto the paper she scribbled two more names with a question mark beside them: _Harry Chalmers?  
Harry O’Flaherty?_

She then reached into her purse and dug out the only photograph she had of Remington. It was of the two of them standing outside the door of Remington Steele Investigations smiling like they hadn’t a care in the world. She’d kept it close to her for the last two years, and it hurt to think she would lose it now, but if it helped to find him, she wouldn’t hesitate. She handed the paper and photograph to Aleksy.

“Those are my best guesses,” she told him. “Though there’s every possibility Marissa may have changed her name as well.”

“I will see what we can do,” Aleksy said, looking at the list. “Two westerners travelling together should get noticed on our network. Even if they didn’t come this way, I should be able to find something. Will you be staying in town?”

“We wanna get going to Moscow,” Tony replied. “Can you send the information up the line?”

“I can,” Alesky said with a nod. “It will take a few days though especially for a man with that many names. I’ll send the information to Henryk in Moscow. You know where to find him.”

“Thank you,” Laura said, reaching out and clasping Aleksy’s hand. He seemed surprised by the gesture and responded with a curt nod of his head.

“We’ll be in touch,” Tony said, taking Laura by the shoulder and guiding her towards the door.

“Tony,” Lena called out. He turned, a pained look crossing his face as she spoke.   
  


“I’m sorry for what happened. She was a good friend.”

“Yeah,” Tony said roughly as they turned and left.


	26. Chapter 26

The roar of the crowd was always a rush for Remington, regardless of whatever else was going on. In another life, he might have chosen entertaining as his profession. As it was, he felt his entire life had been spent playing a part with varying degrees of success.

As he watched the others around him get to work striking the tents and taking things down, he knew it was time for him to go to work. With a few glances around him to make sure nobody had noticed him, he rushed back to the car, changed his clothes and took out the photo of Robert Peters. He knew Marissa would be off somewhere doing the same.

He jogged at a light pace in order to catch up with the departing crowd and blended in as best as he could. He stood out like a sore thumb which was the best he could hope for as he showed the photograph around as many times as he could while people headed home.

Once finished, he glanced around him again, pocketed the photo and headed back to help with the take-down and clean up. He was almost back to the big top tent when he heard the sound of soft footsteps behind him.

He was being followed. Slowing his pace, he waited for whoever it was to catch up to him. Given the lightness of tread, he suspected it was a woman and one not very experienced in tailing people as she gave herself away. He relaxed slightly. If it were someone coming to kill him they would not have announced themselves so easily.

“You might as well just reveal yourself,” he said aloud as he stopped walking entirely. “You’re really very bad at following people.” He was surprised to see the woman who emerged from behind a parked car was one of the trapeze artists – the young woman named Sasha Baronovsky.

“I’m sorry,” she said timidly. “I don’t mean you any harm.”

“Why are you following me?” He asked abruptly.

“I’m sorry,” she said again, clearly shaken by the entire encounter. His heart softened slightly as he noticed she was still in costume and shaking from the cold. He sighed, took off his jacket and handed it to her. She took it gratefully, her teeth chattering as she threw it over her shoulders. She looked to be approximately twenty five, with long black hair and large green eyes – too young for Remington’s liking. 

“Alright, Sasha, let’s start again,” he said, hoping that the gesture with the jacket and the use of her first name would encourage her to give more information. “Why are you following me?”

“The man in the photograph you have,” she said, so quietly he almost didn’t hear her. “Why do you want to find him?”

  
“That depends on whose asking and why,” Steele replied, on guard once more. He was more than a little surprised. Sasha was the last person he expected to recognise the photo and that worried him. Had he misjudged her? He’d taken her youth as a sign of innocence but he knew from his own experience how dangerous that could be.

“I’m asking,” Sasha replied vaguely. It was clear she didn’t trust him completely either which was an encouraging sign. “I need to know if you’re trying to help him or hurt him.”

“And what do you think?” He asked, keeping his voice level. Clearly this girl knew something about Robert Peters. He could see she was quite frightened and knew that if he pushed too hard she might run, which would be bad for everyone. He needed her willing to talk to him.

“I don’t know, but I hope you want to help him,” she said honestly.

“Indeed I do, Sasha,” he told her gently. They were heading to the RV she stayed in as they talked. Steele wanted to know that there was nobody else listening into their conversation. “How do you know this man?”

“He helped my brother get out,” Sasha told him, her voice speeding up slightly as she gained confidence. “His name is Viktor. He took care of both of us after our parents died. He cleaned government offices in Moscow. One day he came to me and told me about a man who was helping Americans escape. He went to Robert and pleaded for him to help us. He agreed and set up a time and place for us to go. Viktor went, but I…I was too scared. It was all so frightening. Shortly after I changed my mind, but it was too late. Viktor was gone and so was Mr. Peters. I thought I would never see him again, and then five years after, you two show up. I went through Marissa’s things one night and found the photograph.”

“You went through her things?” Steele echoed, a little annoyed that Marissa hadn’t taken better care to ensure that her belongings were secure.

“Old habit,” Sasha said, clearly mildly embarrassed. “After Viktor left, I lived on the streets for a long time before Nadia and Aleksandr found me and trained me on trapeze. Stealing was a way of life for me. Even though I don’t do it anymore, I tend to look through people’s bags when I can as a way of taking inventory should I find myself back there someday.”

“I can understand that,” Steele said, thinking back to his own time on the streets. “Do you know anything about Robert Peters’ disappearance that might help us find him? Anything at all?”

“All I know is if he’s still alive, he would be in Lefortovo prison,” she told him, her eyes darting back and forth as if simply saying the name of the place aloud might bring the authorities crashing down on them.

“Why there?” Steele asked, lowering his voice as well, just in case.

“It’s one of the buildings my brother used to clean,” she replied, her voice almost a whisper now. “It’s where they send spies and other threats to the regime. If he’s still alive, and they think he has information they want, they will keep him there.”

“And if he’s already told them what they want to know?” Steele asked, already knowing the answer, but needing to hear it aloud. Five years was a long time, even for a trained spy to endure what would almost surely be unbearable torture.

  
“Then he’s already dead,” she confirmed softly.

“Thank you, Sasha, for bringing me this information. I know it was a risk to you.” Steele told her gently.

“I don’t mind the risk,” Sasha said eagerly. “I was too frightened before, but I’m ready now to do whatever I can to find my brother.”

Steele shook his head and felt his heart drop. He had been afraid that she would want to involve herself in the operation to find Peters, and that was just far too risky for a young untrained thief.

“Listen to me,” he said gently, “you need to stay away from this. It is far too dangerous.”

“I can’t stay away!” She exclaimed as they reached her RV. “I need to find Viktor! I was hoping you and Ms. Peters could help me get out! I missed my chance once, I can’t miss it again.”

Steele looked into her young, hopeful eyes and felt a deep and wearying sadness take over. He couldn’t possibly mount a rescue and try to get this young girl out of the Soviet Union. Their own passports were suspect at best. There was no way anybody would buy that many people travelling together. How could he tell her that though?

“I’m sorry,” he said finally in what he hoped was a firm tone of voice. “I wish I could help you, but I really can’t.”

“Please,” she said, grabbing his arm desperately. Remington turned away, unable to look into her eyes as they filled with tears. “Please, I need to know if Viktor made it. I’ll do anything – be anyone you want. You could pretend we just got married….get me out as your wife. That happens, doesn’t it?”

“No!” Steele said, in a tone much harsher than he intended. He drew back in surprise and he instantly felt guilty. It wasn’t her fault and were it not for his own personal history it wouldn’t be a bad idea. “That won’t work, I’m afraid.”

“Please,” she said again, the tears falling freely down her cheeks now. “I can’t stay here. Help me.”

“We don’t have any actual confirmation that Peters is where you say he is,” Steele pointed out trying desperately to grasp at anything that would dissuade her. “He might not even be alive. I can’t promise anything.”

“I know,” Sasha said eagerly, clearly taking his words at an offer to help. “I just need you to try. I need some hope, Mr. O’Flaherty. That’s all…just…hope.”

He looked away and took a deep breath, swallowing the lump that rose in his throat. He couldn’t turn her down. No matter howe much he wanted to, he couldn’t just leave this young woman behind never knowing what had become of her brother. Looking back at her, he chuckled softly and took her hand, giving it a short squeeze.

“If I can help you in any way, I will,” he said, “but I can’t promise anything.”

“I know,” she said, her eyes shining with unshed tears and happiness. “Thank you.”

He let go of her hand, and she returned his jacket to him before he headed back to the car. As he walked, he imagining the dressing down he would get from Laura about picking up strays. Despite the fact that life just got exponentially more difficult, his heart felt lighter than it had in a long while.


	27. Chapter 27

Tony Roselli and Laura Holt had been driving in silence for hours. They’d left the church, gone back to the hotel, gathered their things and proceeded to get into their vehicle – a standard car used for diplomats travelling through the Eastern Bloc.

Tony watched Laura as she gathered her things, his own mind racing a mile per minute. He hadn’t said anything when meeting with his contacts, but the sheer amount of aliases that Laura was able to produce on a whim for her supposed husband had rankled him. They were already in enough of a tenuous position with Aleksi’s people and Tony did not want to alarm them unnecessarily.

Still, the intelligence agent in him was telling him that something wasn’t right. Famous private investigator or not, that was an awful lot of false names for a man to go by. Add to that his issues with immigration and the fake passport in the name of Remington Steele and Tony was starting to wonder if he had been played for a fool by both of them.

For there was no way Laura couldn’t know about it. She was far too smart to be duped by a handsome man with a slick story – he knew that first hand. Despite the fact that he was convinced that there was a brief period that she’d had actual feelings for him, he’d found it frustratingly difficult to put anything by her.

He had known their marriage to be phoney, that much was true. He thought he had chosen Steele at random after accessing immigration’s files through his own intelligence contacts. Even though he’d been banished to South America, he still had enough friends in well positioned places, searching for what he needed to catch the mole in his organization. It had taken a while but eventually Steele had fallen into his lap. It seemed almost too perfect at the time – Steele had been high profile enough to be able to manipulate and skilled enough to be able to do what he needed him to do. The fact that he had found Laura to be captivating and beautiful had come as a complete bonus.

Truthfully, she had been the first woman to truly capture his interest since he had lost Kathleen so many years ago. He had told himself he was only using her to get to Steele, but deep down he had known that wasn’t entirely true. And when Laura had seemed to respond to him, it made him happier than it should have. Perhaps that was one of the reasons he had ignored what was right in front of him – that she was deeply in love with the man she called Remington Steele and whatever feelings she thought she might have had were little more than an interruption.

Tony understood that now. Just as he understood that despite how much she may remind him of her, Laura Holt was not Kathleen Dennings.

That reminder in and of itself was difficult for Tony, especially since he had convinced himself that he was over the loss. The fresh wave of memories that threatened to overtake him as he drove told him otherwise and he’d been grateful at first for the silence of the drive.

Now he was grateful and suspicious.

Who was Remington Steele really? Was he CIA? MI6?....KGB? It had seemed so easy when he found Steele. Too easy. Was he placed in his path on purpose? Is this why Laura was so sure that he was still alive, despite the insanity of attempting to run off to Moscow without any sort of plan and no papers? And if that were the case, what had she brought him into?

It made him furious to think that there was a possibility that she was using him the same way he had used her. He had thought that Steele had been on the level when he asked him to keep Laura safe. And because he had been unable to do the same for Kathleen, the request had hit him harder than it had thought it would.

Had it all been a lie? Were they secretly working together? Was Steele trying to lure him into some kind of trap? The questions came fast and furious as his anger built. He wanted to confront her, but had no idea what to say.

Eventually, Laura broke the silence, her voice slightly nervous.

“You’re going pretty fast, Tony,” she pointed out. He looked down at the speedometer and realized that she was right. He’d been speeding, and hadn’t even realized it. The highways they were travelling on were not well built or managed and judging from the look on Laura’s face, he had been driving erratically for some time. He immediately slowed down to a more reasonable speed.

“Just trying to make up for lost time,” he muttered, keeping his eyes on the road.

“What lost time?” Laura questioned, confusion evident, “we left far earlier than we had planned.”

And it was true. They had left almost right after their meeting in the church. Tony and Laura had walked briskly back to their room. They had packed silently, both lost in their own thought patterns to notice the other person. They had been on the road before the sun came up, heading towards Moscow.

“I just want to get there,” Tony said, realizing Laura was still waiting for him to speak. His eyes remained fixed firmly on the road as his mind turned over the potential dangers that may lay ahead of him in Moscow.

He had followed Steele to Ireland thinking Steele had sold him out to Hemsley. When Fitch turned out to be the second mole, he had assumed Steele was innocent, but what if he had been wrong? What if there were more leaks in the organization and this entire mission was simply a ruse designed to bring him back to the one place he had never wanted to see again? Was Laura a part of it? And if that was the case, why the hell wasn’t he kicking her out of the car on the side of the highway and heading back to safety?

“You want to tell me what’s going on?” Laura asked, her voice cutting through his dark thoughts.

“Oh, are we friends now?” He snapped. He realized how petulant he’d sounded when he said it but somehow couldn’t stop himself. He was having a hard time wrapping his head around the idea that Laura Holt might be serving him up this cold heartedly to the Soviets. He’d moved past the idea that they might become lovers, but part of him had thought there might be the potential for a friendship. She had shot down that possibility pretty quickly the night before. Had it been because she was getting ready to betray him? It was a difficult thing to consider.

“We’re partners,” she said firmly, skirting the question. “At least we are for now. We have to trust each other at least if we are going to find Mr. Steele and get home in one piece.”

“Interesting _you_ would bring up trust,” Tony said, finally glancing at her out of the corner of his eye.

“What the hell does that mean?” Laura demanded angrily. He had clearly touched a nerve. He decided to play with that a little bit to see what happened.

“Isn’t that the reason we’re here?” He asked her. “I admit I don’t know all the details, but it seems to me that if you and your so-called husband trusted each other a bit more, you would be with him instead of sitting in this car next to me.”

“You don’t know the first thing about my relationship,” Laura seethed. Tony was glancing frequently at her now as he drove, looking for any signs that she was lying. Spotting a liar had been part of his training and it was something that he had thought he was exceptionally good at until now. Everything about Laura suggested she was telling the truth. But then who the hell was Remington Steele? “And I will thank you not to bring it up again. What happened between us is none of your business.”

“It is if you’re lying to me,” he said. He’d decided to cut to the chase and see how she responded.

“I’ve told you everything you need to know,” Laura said, her anger giving way to confusion. It seemed awfully sincere, but Tony couldn’t be sure.

“Everything except Steele’s real identity,” Tony pushed. He watched her expression falter ever so slightly and his heart dropped. He didn’t want to be right. That was the last thing he wanted. But his gut instinct told him that something was off about Steele and he had to see it through until he found out what that was – for better or worse.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Laura said. Her tone was firm, but the furtive look in her eyes gave her away.

With a sudden jerk of the steering wheel that startled even him, Tony pulled the car over to the side of the highway and shut off the ignition. He turned to face her, his expression hard.

“Cut the crap, Laura,” Tony said coldly. “I’m not stupid. A guy that has that many names is not just a private investigator. A man like that has some links to Intelligence. Is he KGB? Are you both working with the Soviets? You better be honest with me now or this little experiment ends now on the side of this highway and you’re walking.”

“He’s not in intelligence,” Laura replied, her anger flaring once more. Her reaction was interesting. If she were any other woman, he would have expected her to beg or plead for him to believe her. Any other woman might have sworn up and down that they were being truthful, but not Laura Holt. Despite the fact that she was in a very dangerous spot if he did decide to make good on his threat, she remained proud and refused to be intimidated. Even if she _were_ lying to him, he found he had a grudging amount of respect for her as a result.

“Who is he then?” He pressed, refusing to let up. “I saw that piece of paper you handed Aleksi. It had more names than a phone book. What’s his real name? If I’m putting my life on the line, I deserve to know that much.”

“I…” she hesitated. He could see the indecision in her eyes. She seemed to want to be honest, but something was holding her back.

“Tick tock, sweetheart,” he said, reverting back to a nickname he knew would anger her. “I need some kind of answers soon or I’m out of here. And for the record, it aint getting any warmer outside.”

“I don’t know his real name, okay?” She blurted out, her cheeks red and her voice shaking with fury. “ _He_ doesn’t even know it. He’s a con man, alright? Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Of all the answers Tony had been expecting, that was not one of them. Oddly enough as he looked at her face, angry and flushed and completely caught off guard, he was inclined to believe she was being truthful. Still, he had been burned before by people he’d trusted. He could no longer be sure his instincts were accurate.

“Then who the hell is Remington Steele?” He wondered, more to himself than anyone else.

“Remington Steele was the name of the boss I invented years ago when I formed the agency.” She spoke slowly, and with great dignity. It was clear this was a hard thing for her to tell him and it likely carried no small amount of risk. He felt mildly guilty for having backed her into a corner the way he had, but not guilty enough to stop her from telling him the full story. “I had tried to set up an agency under my own name, but it failed. The general public seemed to be under the ludicrous impression that a woman wasn’t capable of running a Private Investigation Agency. I got the name from a typewriter and a football team.”

“What happened when someone wanted to meet him?” Tony asked, “and how did the guy we’re looking for – whoever he is, end up as Remington Steele?”

Laura sighed and took a deep breath. She seemed calmer, but the look in her eyes told him she was no less angry.

“For about a year, myself and my partner Murphy Michaels, ran the agency and the public was none the wiser. If anyone asked to meet Mr. Steele, we would tell them he was away, or unavailable. We would create the illusion that he was supervising the case and most were happy with the arrangement. Those who insisted on meeting him, however, were refused as clients. It was working until I met the man I now refer to as Mr. Steele. He was trying to steal some jewels and I had been hired to protect them. He discovered the truth about Remington Steele and assumed his identity.”

“So he’s a thief,” Tony stated **.**

“He’s been many things,” Laura fired back, clearly bothered by Tony’s simplistic assessment of him.

“And neither of you know who he really is?” Tony asked, incredulously.   
  
“We know more now than we did when I first met him,” Laura said. He could tell from her tone that she was being careful of what to say. There were still some things she wasn’t telling him. “I know it seems strange, but Mr. Steele’s background is not my story to tell. Suffice to say, that his lack of a name will not put you, or anyone else in danger.”

“I had to ask,” Tony said, almost apologetically. “Surely you understand that.”

“What did you think?” Laura wondered, as she gave him a long, hard look. “Did you think that he was a spy and that we were working against you? That this was a trap?”

“I couldn’t rule it out,” Tony replied firmly. “I still can’t. In my business, people frequently aren’t who they say they are. When I saw all those names, I had to be sure.”

“And are you sure now?” Laura demanded. “I could be lying to you. How can you trust what I’m saying is true?”

Tony laughed, realising they had circled right around to square one.

“I can’t,” he admitted. And that was true. Though his instincts told him she was being truthful, the rational part of his brain urged caution. His instincts had been wrong before. So wrong, that he had trusted Fitch and had nearly been branded a traitor as a result. He wanted to believe her, but knowing that she was still holding back made him hesitate. “Not really, I mean. For all I know, this is just an elaborate lie you’ve cooked up on the spot.”

“So now what? You kick me out of the car and leave me here?” Laura demanded. She was defensive again, and Tony could tell that part of that defensiveness was rooted in fear. If he did make good on his threat, she would have no way home. It was unlikely she would survive an attempt to get back through the Iron Curtain.

“Any good reason why I shouldn’t?” He asked her, his own anger bubbling to the surface as well. He wasn’t sure why, but it bothered him that Laura hadn’t told him the truth earlier. During their brief flirtation he had managed to tease out that their marriage was phoney. She’d trusted him to know that much. And when she had come to him asking for help surely she had known that both of their lives were in grave danger. How could she lead him into that and not tell him the full story?

“I’m telling the truth,” Laura insisted. “You either believe me or you don’t. You have to trust me.”

“There’s that word again,” he said, pointing his finger at her. “You haven’t given me one good reason why I should trust you.”

“Neither have you!” She exclaimed, all fear replaced once again with rage. “You’re not exactly Mr. Forthcoming!”

“I haven’t held anything back,” Tony replied, feeling reasonably sure that were the truth.

“Oh yeah?” She shot back, “Who’s Kathleen?”

Hearing her name being spoken aloud by someone other than him, hit him like a blow to the stomach. Laura had obviously heard her mentioned when they were in the Church, but he had assumed she had forgotten about it in light of everything else that had happened. Clearly though, like any good private investigator, Laura had filed it away for future reference.

“That’s none of your business,” he ground out, desperately trying to control the surge of emotion that passed through him.

The last thing he wanted to do was tell Laura about her. She already knew more about his past than he was comfortable with. Telling Kathleen’s story to someone else felt like a betrayal. Like he was losing her all over again.

“If my private life is on the table, Tony then yours sure as hell is too.” Laura said, all traces of fear absent from both tone and body language. “You think I haven’t been trusting you? I know nothing about you. Nothing! All you’ve done so far is order me around and act like I should be grateful for the help. And that’s fine. If it helps us to find Remington, I will do anything. I will trust you, despite having no reason in the world to do so. You’re not the only one with something to lose you know.”   
  
The anger in Laura’s eyes told him that if he didn’t at least tell her something, he might not have to kick her out of the car- she might just get out and walk. He suddenly realized he couldn’t let that happen. Not if she truly was who she said she was. His promise to Steele meant something. Oh, not to Steele of course. He didn’t owe the man anything. But in keeping it, he felt that he was being given a second chance. He knew Kathleen would want him to do this and so he had. It wouldn’t save her, but it could save Laura. That would have meant something to Kathleen.

His silence must have told Laura all she needed to know. He was about to answer her, when he saw her expression soften. She must have realized she had touched a nerve.

“She was your partner wasn’t she?” Laura asked gently. To his complete surprise, she reached out, and touched his hand very briefly, before pulling hers back. “She was the one who didn’t make it out when you were here before.”

“Yes,” Tony said, the word barely making it past the lump that had suddenly formed in his throat. “She was one of our few female agents. Top notch and tough as hell. We fell for each other hard. We were posted here, and our cover got blown. We separated in order to make it harder for them to find us. She was shot at a checkpoint.”

He shook his head, as if trying to banish the memory from his mind.

“I wasn’t there when it happened. She took her last breaths alone.” He took a deep shuddering breath and continued. “I was blamed for our cover being blown. I took it pretty hard. Dove head first into a bottle and didn’t come out for about four solid months. I started fights, burned a ton of bridges and was eventually sent to South America. I didn’t realize it at the time, but our cover had been blown from the moment we had set foot in the Eastern Bloc. Fitch was responsible for her death.”

“I…I’m so sorry,” Laura said, but Tony barely heard her. His own grief seemed to take on a life of it’s own. Pain, anguish and loss enveloped him and he turned his head, so she wouldn’t see the emotions that were clearly written all over his face, as plain as day.

“It’s over,” he said, his voice constrained with the effort to sound unaffected. “She’s gone. She’s gone and we’re here.”

“Yes, we are,” Laura acknowledged, her tone level. He looked back to see all traces of empathy absent from her body language. For some reason it was a relief. The last thing he had wanted was for Laura Holt to pity him. If she was back to business, then he could file his pain back away in the back of his mind where he usually kept it locked tightly and focus on the matter at hand. Laura spoke again, voicing the question on both of their minds. “So what do we do? Do you still think I’m a spy?”

Tony was silent for a long time, weighing all the evidence in front of him. His instincts told him she was on the level and so was Steele. He wanted to believe her if not for himself, but for Kathleen. But what if it was all a lie? Was he so desperate to honor the woman he’d loved that he would put his own life in danger? If he were wrong about her, he would die here, that much was certain. Could he risk that on instinct and nothing more?

Even as he asked himself that question, he knew the answer was yes. It was in his blood and who he was. He’d gone against every instinct in his body when he and Kathleen had split up and it had cost him everything. This time, he would live – and die if necessary – by that instinct.

“No, I don’t think you’re a spy,” he told her. He watched as her shoulders slumped visibly. “But that doesn’t mean you aren’t. In my business nothing is ever certain. Still…I’m gonna take a leap of faith and trust you. I’m hoping you’ll do the same.”

Laura looked at him long and hard for a moment. Eventually she answered him.

“Why did you agree to help me, Tony?”

It was the last thing he had expected her to say and his surprise must have been evident to her.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, this can’t be because you were hoping something could still happen between us,” she continued. “Not after what you just told me. And I don’t believe you did it out of the goodness of your heart. So…why?”

“I couldn’t let you do it alone, Laura,” he said, hoping this half truth would be enough to satisfy her curiosity. “No matter what we were, or weren’t, to each other.”

“Alright,” she said quietly. That seemed to settle things between them. For now. “Let’s go to Moscow.”


	28. Chapter 28

It was a full day before Remington had a chance to tell Marissa about Sasha Baronovski, her brother Viktor, and the information she had provided him as to the whereabouts of Robert Peters. It wasn’t until they had finally arrived in Moscow and were in the process of setting up the tents for the evening’s performance that he saw an opening.   
  
There had been a slight delay in some of the construction due to a storm the night before having damaged some of the supports for the trapeze. During the break, he had discovered the RV that Sasha was travelling in was empty and pulled Marissa inside when nobody else had noticed.

He’d expected Marissa to be thrilled to have a concrete lead to follow, but instead, she frowned, sat down on the shabby yellow couch, bit her lip, and simply said, “I see.”

Despite her lack, of enthusiasm, Steele pressed onward.   
  
“I think the best course of action for us to take right now is to talk to Sasha and see if she knows anything more about how to get in and out of that prison. She said her brother cleaned the building. If there are any flaws in the system, perhaps he told her what they were, eh?”

“Get in the prison?” Marissa echoed, looking at him as if he had gone mad. “To what end?”

“To get your father out,” Steele said, equally confused. “That’s why we’re here, is it not?”

  
Marissa stared at him with what could only be described as complete bewilderment.

“We are here,” Marissa said, speaking slowly as if to a child, “to find out if my father is still alive, and if he is, get him home. I know about that prison, Mr. Steele. I know what they do to people in there. The odds of my father still being alive after all this time are slim to none.”

“We don’t know that,” Steele told her, shocked that she would be this ready to give up after everything they had done to get here. “You can’t seriously be telling me you don’t even want to try.”

“What I don’t want,” she said, standing up and smoothing her palms against her trouser legs, “is to suffer the same fate. He wouldn’t want that either. I wanted answers. I wanted to know where he was. Now I do.”

“That’s a lousy excuse for giving up,” Steele said coldly. He wasn’t sure why, but the idea of going back empty handed, was almost too much for him to bear. He had proposed this mission, had gotten them ready for it, had left everything he had ever loved behind, had made sure they made it this far, thinking that something inherent in it’s purpose would help fill the aching hole in his own life.

He’d been a broken man when he approached Marissa. Daniel’s death and the break down of his relationship had left him with nothing. To give up would be to go back to that sense of nothing. He wasn’t sure he would be able to cope with that.

And deep down he knew that putting their lives in danger so that he could avoid dealing with his pain was horrifically irresponsible. Still, he couldn’t let it go. Not yet. Not when they were so close to answers.

“I’m not giving up!” Marissa snapped angrily. Her eyes glittered with unshed tears. Steele realized that this couldn’t be easy on her, especially if she genuinely believed her father was dead.

_He very well might be,_ his inner voice told him.

“I’m being realistic,” Marissa continued. “It’s been five years. Do you honestly want us to risk our lives only to find out he died a month after being sent there?”

  
“Do you honestly want to go home now without knowing that for certain?” Steele countered gently. He knew that her anger and denial was a product of grief – an emotion he knew only too well. Getting angry with her would not help. If he was going to reach her at all, it had to be by opening up to her – something he had never been very good at.   
  
“I…” she shook her head, fighting back tears. “I don’t know. I just want to be able to grieve, and move on.”

“Is that why you came? To move on?” He asked, suddenly wondering if they had both had ulterior motives for this entire endeavour. He had thought Marissa had wanted to find her father and bring him home. But what if she had simply wanted confirmation of his death, so she could move forward? If that was the case, what might this news mean for both of them?

“You have to understand that it’s been five years,” she said, now pacing back and forth in the tiny space that made up the living area of the RV. “Five years of being told that he was probably dead and that I should get on with my life. We even had a funeral, did you know that? And yet, we had no body to bury. It never felt real. I knew the only way it would was if I had closure. And now you tell me he was sent to one of the worst prisons in the entire Eastern Bloc? What am I supposed to think? That he held out all this time? For what?”

“I understand that need more than you know,” Remington confessed to her. He spoke slowly, deliberately, trying desperately to find just the right words to convey how completely and utterly lost he had felt since the revelation that Daniel was his father and the loss that accompanied it. “I have spent my entire life searching for my identity. For a family. I knew my mother was dead, but I thought that if I could just find my father and get the answers I needed, I could make up for all those lost years. But every year that passed, I lost hope. Then I met Laura, and she filled a part of me that I never thought could be filled.”

He took a shaky breath and noticed that Marissa had stopped pacing. She was looking at him now with an expression of sympathy and compassion – an expression that made him feel more than a little uncomfortable. He wasn’t used to others caring for him. It was hard enough for him to get used to Laura seeing him vulnerable, much less someone he had only known a few weeks. Still, she was family, wasn’t she? So why was it still so hard? He knew if he was going to convince her to stay the course then he would have to tell her everything. Hard as it might be, it was the only way to get her to understand why this was so important for both of them. He took a deep breath and continued.

“I had almost convinced myself that it didn’t matter. Finding my father, I mean. I had Laura, and we had finally gotten to a point where she seemed to accept my past. I thought that if I couldn’t find my family, then she and I could start one of our own. I planned to do just that. I bought a ring, intending to ask for her hand. And then immigration found out about my phoney passport and I made the biggest mistake of my life.”

“What did you do?” Marissa asked softly.

Steele took a deep breath and sheepishly narrated the events that took place following Keyes’ visit to his office and the discovery of his phoney passport. He told her about the false wedding to Clarissa and the subsequent fake marriage to Laura on the tuna boat. He told her about their thwarted honeymoon to Mexico, Keyes’ attempts to frame him for murder and Tony Roselli’s continued presence in their lives. When he had finally reached the part of the story in which he inherited Ashford Castle, Marissa’s eyes were as wide as saucers.   
  


“I knew there was a question as to the legitimacy of your marriage,” Marissa admitted. “Daniel told me as much, and I overheard a few things in our quest to deliver Roselli to Kamidov, but I had no idea it was that elaborate.”

“Almost like a bad season finale of a prime time television show, eh?” Steele said sourly.

“So why did you leave? What happened between you and Laura?”

“Daniel,” Steele said tersely. “Daniel told me who he really was. At first I was furious. I told him I wanted nothing to do with him. I was just so hurt that he had been there the entire time, watching me search, knowing how much it ate me alive and not saying at thing. All I ever wanted was a place to belong. A home. Daniel could have given me that, but instead, he kept his secrets.”

“Are you sure that’s what he did?” Marissa asked gently. “He told me about how he met you. He told me how angry you were. If he had told you then, would you have stayed? How about five years later? Ten?”

“I…I don’t know,” Steele admitted.

“It sounds to me that he gave you stability when all you knew was chaos.” Marissa pointed out.

Steele took a deep breath and nodded. She was right to an extent, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. He thought back to the conversation he had had with Mildred right after Daniel told him the truth. Mildred had made it painfully clear to him that he had two options. He could punish Daniel for all the years that he had kept silent, or he could decide to finally let go of his anger for good and build something. 

“Be that as it may, I was angry.” He explained simply. “I still am. Despite that, I forgave him. I thought that maybe if I could work past the anger, we could have a relationship. I could find out my real name. I could give that to Laura. We could start again.”

He laughed a short, bitter laugh.

“But he died before he could tell me my name. And I found out later in the letter he wrote me that I never had one to begin with. I’m ‘baby boy O’Flaherty’.”

“I’m sorry,” Marissa said, so quietly he almost didn’t hear her. He was on a roll now, eager to get it all off his chest. He wasn’t even sure why anymore. He had started telling her this to convince her that it was the right course of action to save her father. Now he felt almost driven to get the entire story out there, for no other reason than his own peace of mind.

“I also found out that Laura had known about his connection to me a full day before I had. If Daniel hadn’t told me himself when he did, he would have died without me ever knowing. Just like Daniel, she watched me search, saw how desperately I wanted to find out who I was, and then when she found out the truth, she kept it from me.”

He gave a short, harsh laugh as fresh anger washed over him.

“I went to find her, to look her in the eye and ask her why.” He smiled bitterly as he relived one of the most painful memories of his life. “She was in the study with Antony. He’d apparently come to try to persuade her to pursue a relationship with him. I’m not proud of myself, but I listened to their conversation. I’d thought of Antony as little more than a nuisance and Laura’s flirtation a mere attempt to make me jealous. But she told him that we had grown so far apart that there was a brief moment during everything that happened in which she had developed real feelings for him.”

He swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat as he remembered the devastation he had felt in that moment.

“Is that what happened between you?” Marissa asked, “you found out she had feelings for Tony?”

“Not quite,” he admitted. “When I spoke to her, she insisted that any feelings she might have had were in the past and that she loved me. Still… knowing they were ever there to begin with was enough. In a short period of time, I lost the only chance I ever had at a family – twice.”   
  


He raised his head and looked Marissa in the eye for the first time during their entire conversation.

“But that’s not why I’m here. I’m here because Daniel’s letter reminded me that your father was still out there. And in case you’ve forgotten, the man is my Uncle. Don’t you see, Marissa? It was the last thing Daniel ever did and he did it for both of us. For the mother I never knew. The least I could do was finish what he started. And I want to help you. I want to do one good thing. If we walk away now, you’ll be making the same mistakes I did. And believe me when I say you will regret it.”

“That’s the biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard,” Marissa said flatly, all traces of sympathy leaving her voice. Steele blinked, surprised at her bluntness.

“I beg your pardon?” He said, shocked by her reaction.

“You’re not doing this to prevent me from making your mistakes. You’re doing this because you’re scared.” Her expression softened slightly as she spoke. “You’ve lost so much in such a short amount of time. That’s going to make a huge impact. You’re not just mourning your father, you’re mourning the loss of a life you never got to have. You’ve probably never really dealt with that, have you?”   
  
“Look, if I wanted a therapy session, I would book one,” Steele replied angrily, unwilling to admit just how close to home her words actually were. “And if anyone is scared here, it’s you. There is a real chance your father might be alive and you don’t even want to try. I would risk anything…”

“Would you?” She challenged, “because I think you’re all talk. It sounds to me like you had a chance at a family. You had the chance to start over and you ran away. You’re using this trip, this mission, as a way of escaping doing the hard work. Risking your life is one thing, but building a life is far harder. Easier to cut and run when it gets tough.”

“That is not what I did,” Steele said, his voice low but practically vibrating with anger. “I wanted to have a family, to make a life with Laura. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. But she…”

He trailed off, not realizing until now just how angry he still was at Laura, and at himself.

“She made a mistake,” Marissa countered, “and from the sounds of it you made plenty as well. You found and lost your father and a dear friend in the space of a couple of hours! You reached out and let yourself be vulnerable with Laura only to feel as if she too had been lying to you. You’re instinct was to run because that is the only way you knew you could protect yourself from getting hurt again. You didn’t come here for me, or Daniel or even your own healing. You came here because risking your life felt far less dangerous than risking your heart. And given the beating it had already took, I don’t blame you for one second.”

Steele took a step back as he felt the impact of her words. She was right. He thought that if he could forge a connection with his Marissa and potentially find his uncle, he would have some connection to the world. It would feel as if he wasn’t just bouncing around aimlessly. There would be roots, and stability. He could stop playing a part and finally feel like a man that mattered – a man worthy of a marriage and a family of his own.

He had been so very wrong. He’d used Laura’s conversation with Tony and the fact that she had kept Daniel’s illness a secret as a way of preventing himself from taking a risk. Daniel’s death had been difficult, but it didn’t begin to compare to the depth of pain he would feel if he lost Laura. Daniel might have been his father by blood, but they hadn’t had time to properly form the relationship necessary for him to truly claim that title. And the loss of that potential hurt like hell.

But he had spent five yeas with Laura. Five years in which they had been through every hardship imaginable. Five years in which they had worked on trust and eventually love. It was far more terrifying to potentially lose that than anything else.   
  
And so he ran. He ran, and told himself that it was important. That he was trying to help by honoring Daniel’s last wish. He told himself so many lies he almost believed them.

“Is that your professional opinion, Doctor?” He finally said after a long, drawn out pause. “That I’m a coward?”

“Not a coward,” she stated, “but scared. And rightfully so.”

“And what about you?” He asked her, this time without any accusation in his tone.

“What about me?” She asked, clearly defensive.

“What exactly are you scared of? That we won’t find your father, or that we will?”

“I…” Marissa looked down, unable to meet his eyes. “I don’t know. For so long I’ve thought of him in this in between space – not alive, but not officially dead either. I’m scared to know how I will feel if I find out he’s really gone. And equally afraid of what might happen if he isn’t.” She sighed and shook her head, as if coming to her own realization. “You’re right. I’m scared.”

“I’ll make you a promise,” Steele said, reaching for her hand. “You help me find out if your father is alive. If he is, we do whatever we can to get him home. And when we make it back home, I’ll face my own fears and have the conversation with Laura that I should have had before I left.”

“Alright,” Marissa said, so quietly he almost didn’t hear her. “What do we do first?”

“First, we need to find Sasha,” Steele replied, “we need to know how to get into that prison. Then, we go from there.”


	29. Chapter 29

Laura anxiously checked her watch for what she could only imagine was the hundredth time in the last hour and a half. She and Tony had arrived in Moscow and had booked into the Metropol Hotel under their false diplomatic identities. Once again, she had reluctantly acquiesced to the necessity of sharing a room in order to maintain their cover.

Almost immediately after they had arrived, Tony received word from his Solidarity contacts that they had information to give him. Tony knew that Laura would insist on coming even before she opened her mouth. To that end, he stressed to her that these people were strangers even to him. They hadn’t known Kathleen and would not be nearly as willing to trust him if he brought her along.

As much as Laura wanted to go, she knew that he was right and insisting on doing so would only compromise their objective. Ever since that conversation by the roadside, she felt like she understood Tony a little bit better. She hadn’t liked the fact that he had demanded to know the truth about Remington Steele, but she understood why he did it.

Still, the fact that in doing so, she had jeapordized her entire career was not lost on her. They had waited a full three years before they even told Mildred the truth and Laura trusted that woman with her life. She was not in the habit of trusting easily. However, from what Tony had told her about Kathleen, neither was he.

Still, when it came down to the question of whether to put her career at risk in order to find Remington, she hadn’t hesitated. It told her something that she hadn’t realised until now. She had been hiding behind the safety of the agency as a reason to push him away. How many times had she told him that it was too risky for them to become too emotionally involved? How many times had she made it clear to him that the agency was the only thing that mattered to her? How many times had he gotten the message that he had always, and would always come second to her job? How must that have felt for him?

It was no wonder that he had defaulted to marrying a call girl in order to solve his immigration problems, rather than coming to her. He had been right. It wouldn’t have mattered if he had asked her to marry him. Even if she had accepted, knowing immigration was breathing down their necks would have always left a question mark for both of them. Laura would have always wondered if it was what he truly wanted, and he would never truly believe that a yes from her was because she loved him, or because she wanted to save her agency.

It didn’t excuse what he did by any means, but Laura was suddenly painfully aware that she had played a much larger role than she had realized. It wasn’t just about whether she could trust him, it was also about whether he could trust her. And she hadn’t given him much reason to.

She could only hope that if and when they returned home, she could have the chance to do it right. 

And she had to hope that when all was said and done, Tony would keep his promise not to reveal the true nature of Remington Steele to anyone.

Trust. It was a scary concept.

She checked her watch again, and felt her unease and anxiety grow. Their first meeting hadn’t taken nearly this long. What was happening? Was he okay? If he was in trouble, how would she know? And if something happened to him, what would she do?

It occurred to her, that whether she liked it or not, she did care about what happened to Tony and that went beyond simple concern for her own well being. Learning about the woman he had loved and lost made him suddenly more human. As annoying as he was, he was also a person in a great deal of pain and Laura understood how that felt.

So where was he now? She wanted to go out and look, but without any sort of lead and nobody else here to help her, she felt at a loss. Frustrated, she ran a hand through her hair and sighed. She had to do something!

Grabbing her coat, she decided that a walk to clear her head was in order. If something had happened to Tony she would need to start thinking of a plan B. Being stuck in the heart of Moscow with no help and no way of getting home was not an option she wanted to contemplate, but it was one that needed to be dealt with if the situation arose.

She walked briskly down the streets, her arms wrapped tightly around her waist as she sorted through her options in her mind. Tony’s suitcase was still there, and with it, hopefully the paperwork he had brought to get them home. Even if she found Remington and Marissa, the language barrier would still be a problem. Better if Remington and Marissa had managed to locate her father, but if he were no longer alive, that would pose a problem.

She sighed and stopped for the moment. Looking around, she realized she hadn’t been paying attention to where she had been walking and was unsure of how to get back. If Tony returned and did not find her there, he would assume the worst. She resisted the urge to stomp her foot in frustration and forced her mind to concentrate on her surroundings.

_Think, Laura!_ She told herself. _We passed that wall with the circus poster on it, turned right at the tree, and left at that circular concrete building._ Yes, she was sure that was the way she had come. Slowly she made her way back, making sure noted every landmark she had remembered. When she got to the wall with the poster, she stopped for a moment to regroup.

She looked at the poster, trying to remember if the Metropol was right or left.

And suddenly there he was…or rather, one of his names. On the poster, looking right back at her were the names Harry and and Mary O’Flaherty with various other members of the Russian State Circus. _Of course!_ She thought to herself. This was something he knew how to do well and it was not uncommon for Western performers to obtain special permission to cross the Iron Curtain with government approval. All it would have taken was some creative forgery and they would have gotten past the check points with ease.

She grabbed the poster, and ran back to the hotel. She felt as if a massive weight had been lifted from her shoulders. He was here! He had made it and he was safe! She hadn’t realized just how scared she had been for him until she saw that poster and was hit with the knowledge that he was okay and that she would be able to find him soon.

She opened the door to the room and found Tony already in it frantically looking around.

“Laura, where the hell did you go? I was worried sick!” He exclaimed.

“He’s here Tony!” She said excitedly. “He’s using the name Harry O’Flaherty, but he’s here and he’s okay!”

“I know,” Tony replied, his tone slightly puzzled. “That’s what I came back to tell you. My Solidarity contacts said he was travelling with the Russian State Circus. How do you…?”

Eagerly she shoved the poster into his hands. He looked at it for a moment, then a smile slowly crossed his face.

“Yes,” he said softly. Looking out, he extended an arm to her. “Laura, will you do me the honour of accompanying me to the circus this evening?”


	30. Chapter 30

Laura Holt had always loved the circus. Ever since she was a kid, it had been one of the few things in her life that her whole family could enjoy. Just thinking about it brought back memories of a time when life was simple and not so complicated. The last time she had been to the circus was when she and Mr. Steele had been working on a case. They had gone undercover as a trapeze and fire breathing act. It was a case she had truly enjoyed as it had been a chance to show Mr. Steele a part of her own past, while learning something new about him as well. His talent at breathing fire gave her further insight into the person he had been before he became Remington Steele and at the time, she had been desperate for information on the man she called Remington Steele.

Watching him breathe fire again in the Russian State Circus while they searched for a captured spy in communist Russia was certainly not how Laura pictured her next circus visit would be. And yet here she was, getting dressed in a bathroom in Moscow while Tony organized their things in case they had to make a hasty exit.

As she looked at the reflection of herself in the mirror, she felt her emotions shift back and forth. They changed so quickly it was hard to reconcile any of them. The face that stared back at her had not changed much since she last saw Remington, and yet it felt as if she had aged years in the weeks since she had seen him.

Her bangs had grown uncomfortably long, and with no salon to speak of nearby, she found herself pinning them up when possible, or blowing them out of her eyes when not. _Never again,_ she thought fleetingly as she pinned them back once more. That, combined with the clothing Tony had provided for her caused her to briefly wonder if he would even recognize her. Her normally sleek, professional style had been replaced by drab colours and unflattering cuts.

But fashion was the least of her worries. Ever since she had seen his current name in print on the circus poster she’d been flooded with overwhelming emotions. Initially she had been so relieved that he was alive, that she’d made a flimsy excuse, gone into the bathroom and had burst into tears. She hadn’t realized just how much anxiety she had been carrying around inside her until that moment. She sobbed for a solid five minutes, convinced that Tony could likely hear her in the other room, but unable to bring herself to care.

Once she had finally composed herself, she found a new kind of anxiety take hold as she imagined their reunion. He had made it clear that they had both made too many mistakes for him to see a future between them. Instead of trusting her to come with him and help him find Marissa’s father, he had left her a note. And while the note had said he loved her and would always love her, it was hollow consolation when there was also no guarantee that he would return to Remington Steele Investigations should he make it back.

That uncertainty coupled with Tony’s presence made her wonder if it was wise to show up at the circus as all. What if she endangered his life by allowing him to see her? He had gotten this far without her. Maybe he didn’t need her after all. What if her presence here was a hindrance, rather than a help? Maybe it was enough simply to know he was alive. Would it be better to just turn around and go back? And was she only considering this because she was too afraid that he would reject her once he saw her? Would it be better to know once and for all?   
  
Laura did not have the answer to any of those questions and more and more took their place with every passing second.

“Laura?” She heard Tony say as he rapped softly on the door. She let out the breath that she had been holding and smoothed her hair once more.

One way or the other, they were doing this. She just wished she didn’t feel so much like a damn teenager about to go on a first date. This was life and death. She could deal with heartbreak if and when they were all safe and sound back in Los Angeles if that was what was going to happen. No matter what, she needed to keep it together for everyone’s sake.

She opened the door and plastered a weak smile on her face in response to Tony’s look of concern. So he _had_ heard her crying. Lovely.

They took the back roads to the circus grounds, sticking largely to streets that were sparsely lit. Tony wanted to blend in as well as possible as well as scout out an escape route should they need it. They had no way of knowing who had or had not taken notice of either them or Remington and Marissa. For all they knew they could be walking into a trap.

She noticed Tony relax slightly as they had entered the big top and found their seats. Even though the place was packed, it gave them both a sense of protection knowing that there was no way they could possibly stand out amongst a crowd so large. They had made a point of noting where the vehicles from the crew were parked, around the back of the big top. Laura wasn’t sure which one belonged to Remington, but she knew that would be the first place for them to look for him after the show was over.

The show began and she and Tony fell into an easy silence. Both were too preoccupied with the job at hand, to even discuss next steps which was fine because they seemed to both have an innate understanding of what needed to be done without having to verbalize it.

As the trapeze act began, Laura felt her breath hiccup ever so slightly. Remington wasn’t doing trapeze this time, and Laura was grateful for that small mercy. Seeing him gliding gracefully through the air catching and throwing someone else would bring back too many memories of the two of them practising together in her loft. A smile crept across her face as she recalled one of the many times they had fallen down together on her bed laughing and cuddling without a care in the world. Could they ever get back to that?

Tony seemed fairly absorbed in the trapeze act as well. One young woman in particular seemed to glide through the air as if she owned it. She had a commanding presence as a performer that Laura admired. She could tell Tony did too as he watched him sit forward, his gaze fixed intently on her.

After the trapeze act ended, the Master of Ceremonies made an announcement in Russian. Tony leaned over and whispered that the fire breathing act was next. Laura could only nod, unable to speak. She didn’t even realize she had been squeezing her fists together until they began to hurt.

As Remington and Marissa walked out onto the stage, Laura sucked in a breath. He was just as handsome and heart-stopping as the last time she had seen him. Despite the lights, the costume and the make up, he was incontrovertibly her Mr. Steele. She fought to keep the tears from coming as she watched him play to the crowd. She wanted to yell out that she was there, to tell him she loved him, but she held back.

She was surprised to find she was physically gripping the seat as if doing so was the only thing preventing her from running into his arms right then and there.

He was just as wonderful a performer as she remembered him. His voice was rich and commanding. Marissa translated everything he said – no doubt part of her job as his ‘assistant’. Laura was impressed that, among other things, she knew how to speak Russian. A pang of unexpected jealousy hit her as she realized that Marissa had been one of the reasons they had made it this far. She would have been no help to him after all, in fact she might have endangered them both.

Marissa was family, and clearly they worked well together. What if he no longer felt he needed her at all?

Just as that thought entered her mind, she watched him turn, scanning the audience as he prepared his next trick. Even though they were rows and rows from the front, she found herself go perfectly still as somehow, miraculously, his gaze found hers.

She had no idea how long their eyes had locked. Time seemed to disappear completely. Her mouth went dry and her heart skipped every other beat. It might only have been a second and she might have imagined it, but it felt like she saw a range of emotions play across his face in a split second. By the time he had turned away from her, it wasn’t hard to see for anyone who knew to look, that Remington Steele was shaken to the core. 

She watched as he faltered. He dropped the prop he had been holding and Marissa picked it up. His eyes were no longer on hers, but she knew that he had been deeply affected. She could tell by the way his demeanour had changed.

He continued on with the act, but she could see even from their vantage point, that his hands were shaking. Not a great sign for a fire breather. Laura let out the breath she didn’t even realize she had been holding and noticed her hands were shaking too.

“Laura?” She could hear Tony speaking, but it almost sounded as if he were very far away, his voice muffled by the crowd, the lights and the general din around them. “Laura? You alright?”

“He saw me,” she said, her voice barely louder than a whisper. Tony had to lean close to hear what she had said. “He knows we’re here.”

“Yeah I know,” Tony said, his gaze fixed firmly on Steele and Marissa. To the audience, the show had gone on as usual, but Laura could see just by looking at Steele that while his body might be there, his mind was not.

The rest of the show felt like it lasted an eternity. Laura watched, but didn’t process half of what she saw. Eventually she was startled out of her reverie by Tony tapping her on the shoulder.

“We should go now,” he whispered. Laura nodded. While the show hadn’t officially ended, she assumed he wanted to get out to avoid the crowd and try to find the most likely place for Steele to go.

As they left the big top, a woman approached them. Laura recognized her almost instantly from the trapeze act. Up close she could see the woman was very pretty with large expressive eyes and a shock of long black hair that cascaded over the sequined outfit she was still wearing.

“You are Laura, yes?” She spoke with a Russian accent, but her English was very good. Laura nodded dumbly.

“I’m Tony Roselli,” Tony added, “we’re looking for…”

“Harry,” The woman supplied. Then, she shook her head as if correcting herself. “No, not Harry, Steele. Remington Steele.”

“Yes!” Laura said, a little too loudly.

“I’m Sasha,” the woman replied with a small tentative smile. Laura didn’t even have it in her to feel threatened by this woman. There was something incredibly disarming about her. If she knew that Harry O’Flaherty was actually Remington Steele, then it was clear Remington had trusted her. She might even be in need of help and if that were the case, he would have been unable to resist.

“He told me I might find you here. He wanted me to let you know that we are staying at the Cosmos hotel.” She handed a hotel room key to Tony. “He’s in room 405. Meet him there in half an hour. And be careful.”


	31. Chapter 31

It didn’t take them long to find the Cosmos hotel. Tony informed her on the way that it had opened in 1979 and had been primarily used to host large scale events such as the Olympics, large conferences and other international sports events or exhibitions taking place within the city. This made Tony especially cautious as there would be a number of people both inside and and around the hotel who might see them or ask them unwanted questions. The walked at a brisk pace, heads down in order to avoid eye contact or notice by anyone else around them.

It would not be possible, however, to avoid interactions with hotel staff entirely and Laura could see that Tony was irritated that the Circus had been put up in somewhere this high profile.

“When we get to the front desk we have to announce ourselves to the dezhurnaya. I will show her my diplomatic credentials and tell her that we wish to pay our respects to the performers. Hopefully that will be enough to get us access to the elevator.”

Laura nodded, knowing the best thing she could contribute was her silence as they entered the lobby of the hotel. An icy looking blonde woman stood behind the desk. She didn’t even come close to cracking a smile as Tony spoke to her, but was clearly satisfied enough by what he had to say to let them proceed.

When they reached room 405, Laura’s anxiety was at an all time high. She desperately wanted to see him, to touch him, to tell him how she felt, but she also knew that meant putting herself at risk. What if his feelings hadn’t changed? What if he still felt that there was too much damage to the relationship for it to ever recover? Even though she knew that their relationship should not be their primary focus right now, it was all she could think of.

She wasn’t sure if Tony sensed her feelings or not, but she was grateful that he stepped forward and knocked on the door himself.

It was Sasha who opened it, and ushered them inside. She wasn’t surprised to see the young woman again, after all this was the hotel they were all staying at, and she and Tony had taken a bit longer to get here. Neither was she at all surprised to see Marissa standing beside her. Oddly she didn’t immediately see Remington.

The room was certainly larger than the one she and Tony had been forced to share in Poland. Laura wondered briefly if all of Remington’s accommodations had been this nice. The idea that Remington may have been travelling in luxury while she had to endure the world’s worst road trip with Tony Roselli made her unaccountably angry.

She thought back to the first time she had met Tony. She and Mr. Steele had arrived in Mexico, expecting luxury accommodations for their fake honeymoon. Instead, they had arrived at the Hotel Del Amor and after only half an hour there, decided that there was no way they were going to take their relationship to the next level on a creaky bed covered in mosquito netting.

Steele had been given a jeep, but Laura had had to stay behind in order to ensure the jeep would be returned. It wasn’t long before she’d found herself in danger having been attacked by men in the jungle and saved by Tony. At the time, she hadn’t realized it was all a set up and it made her angry even now to know she had been manipulated that way.

After cutting their way through the jungle, they had arrived at the hotel Remington was at, only to find him nice and dry sipping champagne and eating caviar. It was the first time Laura had tried to use Tony against Remington. Seeing him there, appearing to have suffered no hardship and no regret at leaving her behind, Laura had felt the need to lash out. Her anger had been sitting right underneath the surface of her subconscious ever since the wedding on the fishing boat and the sight of Remington sitting there supposedly without a care in the world enraged her.

She cringed now when she thought back to the way she had pointed out to Remington that she had found Tony attractive. It was not behaviour she was proud of, but neither was it something that she could change. It wasn’t the first time her anger had gotten the better of her and had otherwise ruined a perfect opportunity for herself and Mr. Steele.

Now, having gone through yet another dangerous ordeal with Tony, Laura forced herself to pause and try to avoid assumptions. By the looks of this room it seemed as if Remington had been travelling in style. Yet, Laura had seen the sheer terror in his eyes when he saw her in the audience. She’d seen his hands shaking as he tried to continue his act. She could still hear the hurt in his voice during their last conversation. She remembered the heartbreak in his eyes and the note he had written her.

Appearances could be very deceiving and Laura needed to remember that.

And then, as if willing it to happen, Remington exited the bathroom, and strode purposefully towards her, his icy blue eyes fixed on her with unnerving intent.

Before Laura could utter a single word, he grabbed her, crushed her hard against him and claimed her lips in a powerful demanding kiss.

Laura allowed herself to be swept away in the embrace kissing him back with a hunger she didn’t know she was capable of. It didn’t matter that there were others in the room, or that so much was still unsaid between them. All that mattered in that moment was his arms around her, the feel of his lips against hers and the press of his body, so urgent and vitally alive. Laura was viscerally reminded of just how desperately she had missed him. Her breathing quickened as the kiss deepened and her hands dove into the thickness of his hair.

Then, without any warning, he wrenched himself almost violently away from her causing her to gasp in surprise as their bodies were suddenly and unexpectedly separated.

“What the hell are you doing here, Laura?” He roared. His eyes, so intense and settled only moments ago, now showed a kind of anguish she hadn’t seen in him before. He seemed almost like a caged animal – desperate and frightened.

Before she could even catch her breath, Remington whirled around and punched Tony – who had been standing slightly to his left – right in the solar plexus. Tony reeled back from the unexpected contact, the wind thoroughly knocked out of him. Before he could respond, Remington grabbed Tony by the shirt and shoved him roughly up against the wall.

  
Marissa, Laura and Sasha cried out instinctively at the violence of the contact, but Remington appeared not to even hear them. His eyes were locked on Tony’s and Laura was surprised to see Tony not fighting back.

“We had a deal, Roselli,” Steele seethed. “Damn you, we had a deal!”

“I couldn’t stop her, okay?” Tony yelled back, his voice finally returning to him. He sounded upset – remorseful even. “She was going to follow you no matter what, you _know_ that! This way I kept her safe.”

It didn’t take Laura long to realize they were talking about her. She pieced together the conversation with little difficulty, and yet it was still hard to comprehend. Laura had initially assumed that Remington had punched Tony out of jealousy. But listening to them, she realized that wasn’t the case. Tony had been hinting the entire time that he had an alternate reason for insisting he come with her. Never in her wildest dreams did she think it was because Remington had asked him to.

The idea of the two of them forming this kind of alliance without telling her infuriated her. Once again she had been manipulated by Tony Roselli and this time it had been Mr. Steele who had initiated it. What right did he have to ask Tony to babysit her after leaving her the way he had?

“How dare you…both of you!” Laura interrupted, her voice low and filled with barely controlled fury. Laura forced her way between the two men, glaring at them with everything she had. It didn’t matter that only seconds ago, she had been kissing Remington as if their lives depended on it. Learning that she had been kept in the dark by both of them changed things.

“Now wait a minute,” Tony said, finally stepping back and readjusting his shirt. “It’s not what you think.”

“What I think, is that you’ve both been lying to me.” Laura said, trying desperately to keep her voice measured and calm, but failing miserably. She turned and looked at Remington who looked surprised by the intensity of her anger. “What I _think_ is that you left me, and made a deal with Tony to…what? Distract me? Keep me out of your hair?”

“Laura, I…”

“I think this might be a good time to allow Remington and Laura some time to talk on their own,” Marissa interrupted noting Remington’s clear distress in attempting to articulate his thoughts.

“I agree,” Tony said looking grateful at Marissa’s suggestion.

“Sasha and I are sharing a room,” Marissa told Tony. “Why don’t you come with us back there and we can fill you in on everything that we know.”

“Great idea,” Tony replied. The look he gave Sasha did not go unnoticed to Laura, despite her anger. The three of them said a quick goodbye and exited the room leaving her and Remington alone together for the first time.


	32. Chapter 32

Despite having dreamed about this reunion ever since he left, all Laura could think about was how both Remington and Tony had lied to her the entire time. She despised being handled, but even more than that, she hated being dismissed. All her life, men had treated her as if she were little more than a nuisance at best, or completely incompetent at worst.

Despite his initial assumption that she was a secretary, she’d thought Remington was different. The moment she’d identified herself as a licensed private investigator, he had treated her with nothing but respect. His life as a con man had trained him to spot those in charge of a situation and respond accordingly. A lesser man would have assumed that Murphy was in charge of the entire operation and would have immediately ignored her contributions. Instead, Steele had zeroed in on her not because he thought of her as weak, but because he had known instinctively that if his plan was to work, he needed to get past her in order to do it.

Laura, in turn had seen something in Remington that few had ever seen. It was why she had trusted him enough to allow him to stay and continue to play the role of Remington Steele, despite Murphy’s attempts to get rid of him.

Over the course of their partnership Laura had been repeatedly dismissed and underestimated by clients, the press, and anyone else they came into contact with. But not Remington. Never once had he treated her as anything less because of her sex. In fact, during those first couple of years that he had played the role of Remington Steele, he had even deferred to her, knowing that it was Laura’s education and training that made her such a good detective. Eventually, with Laura’s help he came into his own and the two of them became true partners in every sense of the word.

Knowing that, made this betrayal that much more difficult for Laura. The idea that their relationship had degraded to the point it had was painful, but thinking that Remington no longer believed in her was almost as bad. Leaving Tony to ‘watch’ her felt like every dismissal she’d ever experienced at the hands of the world.

She looked at him, trying desperately to verbalize the hurt she felt, but all she could do was shake her head and turn away.

A long, uncomfortable silence followed as both of them tried to bridge the gap between them. Eventually, Steele cleared his throat and quietly spoke.

“You shouldn’t be here.”

“You shouldn’t have left,” Laura returned. Outwardly, her voice came across as strong and composed. Inwardly, she was fluctuating between wanting to strangle him, and wanting to return to the kiss they had shared just moments ago to see how far it would lead them. She had no idea which of those impulses would eventually win out, so she forced herself to focus on the immediate. Steele had left her, and despite said kiss, didn’t seem particularly happy to see her. 

“You know why I left, Laura,” he said, his voice level and steady and more than a little sad.

“Actually, no, I don’t,” Laura replied, recognizing this tendency of his to deflect the issue in the hopes that it would go away. Laura refused. It was now or never, and he was going to hear her out. “All I know is that we were trying to make things work and once again at the first sign of difficulty, you disappeared.”

“That’s not what it…”

“I suppose I should be grateful,” Laura continued, her anger boiling over despite her best efforts. “At least this time you left me a note.”

She was referring of course to the time that Remington had left her to go to England in an attempt to find his father and his real name. Steele and Laura had reached a crossroads – with Laura feeling that yet again his mysterious past had managed to halt the progression of their relationship.

Over the course of the investigation they had been working on, Laura had met a man named William Westfield. He expressed an interest in her, and Laura had begun to wonder if the chemistry she had with Mr. Steele was enough to make the relationship work. Surely things like shared beliefs and values were more important. Westfield had seemed, during what little time she’d known him, like a man who could provide honesty and security. When they lost their license, she had suggested they pause things, to examine whether they even had a relationship outside of the agency.

Remington, feeling as if he were on the verge of losing her, left Los Angeles and travelled to England in the hopes of finding his name and offering it as proof of his commitment.

Laura hadn’t known that at the time however, and at the last minute, she decided against attempting to pursue anything between her and Westfield, feeling that her relationship with Remington was too important to simply abandon for an unknown, even if he did offer relative stability. She arrived at Steele’s apartment to tell him that, only to discover the apartment to be completely empty of all his possessions. There was no note telling her where he had gone or why. He had simply vanished.

Laura would never forget what it had felt like to go through his closets only to see them empty, as if he had never been there at all. The realization that he was gone was far more painful than losing Wilson had ever been. Knowing that she had played some part in it by allowing William Westfield to think he had a chance, was what had spurred Laura into action attempting to find him.

When she had found him in the alley way in London, bleeding and half dead, she had forgiven him almost immediately especially after he told her why he had left. Still, the fear that he would leave again when times got tough had never gone away. And she realized that even though she understood why he did it this time, it didn’t make her any less angry.

“That’s not fair,” Remington said, recognising the dig for what it was.

“Isn’t it?” She countered. Her voice rose and she desperately tried to temper it. She did not want to cry in front of him. If he really wanted to end things, she wanted to keep her dignity at the very least. “This is the second time we’ve faced a major test to our relationship and instead of staying and fighting, you’ve run away and I have had to chase you halfway across the globe just to find out where we stand. Don’t you think you owed me a face to face? After everything we’ve gone through to just leave me and…”

She trailed off as a sob caught in her throat. She turned from him as she fought to regain control of her emotions.

“I couldn’t,” Steele was saying when she turned back to face him. She was surprised at the fragility in his voice, as if he too was standing on some imaginary precipice trying desperately not to go over.

“Couldn’t what?” She fired back, dredging her anger from it’s depths once more. Anger was so much easier than pain. “Couldn’t be honest with me for once?”

“I couldn’t face you!” He burst out. She could see real torment in his eyes and part of her softened towards him. “If I had, I never would have been able to leave. And I had to leave, don’t you understand? I didn’t do it to hurt you. I did it because I was no good to you…no good for us. After everything that happened with Daniel and Antony…I couldn’t be the man you needed and I don’t know if I ever can be.”

“So, that’s it then?” Laura said, unable to control the tremor in her voice. “You’re willing to walk away just like that? After everything we’ve fought for?”

“Don’t,” he warned, his eyes narrowing. She could see him fighting a war within himself and desperately wished for the millionth time that he could trust her enough to let her in.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t make it sound like this is easy for me,” he said, his voice so quiet she almost couldn’t hear him. “Walking away from you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

“Then don’t do it,” Laura said passionately. She took a step towards him, abandoning all anger and pride as she witnessed the raw pain in his eyes. How could she not have noticed just how must he had been hurting? She’d honestly thought they had truly begun to build something real and solid after Daniel’s death, but she was beginning to see that there had always been cracks in the foundation of their relationship and Daniel’s death had turned those cracks into a massive chasm. “Don’t walk away. Let me in. For once, let me be a part of whatever you’re going through.”

“I want to,” he told her as he ran a tired hand down the length of his face and chin. “Lord knows being closer to you is all I’ve ever wanted for us. But you kept the truth about Daniel from me. And Antony…” The excuse was weak and she could see even he knew it. Those might have been the reasons he left initially, but Laura could tell that something had changed leaving him not so sure it had been the right thing to do. She pressed that.

“You know I don’t want to be with Tony,” Laura snapped. She had tried to keep her anger at bay, but the mention of Tony brought it roaring back. “It’s funny,” she said with a bitter laugh as she remembered the words that Steele had exchanged with Tony only moments ago. “I thought if you saw Tony here with me, you would think the worst. I thought it might possibly destroy any chance we had at reconciling but the thought of you trying to do this on your own, maybe hurt, captured or….”

She trailed off, unable to continue as she imagined what it might have been like to discover that Remington had been caught and killed. She shook her head and before he could offer a response, she continued.

“But you were never going to assume the worst, because you two had a deal didn’t you? You left me, and then assigned Tony as what, my bodyguard?”

“And what if I did?” Steele shot back. He paced back and forth in front of the coffee table for a moment before stepping forward and locking eyes with her in a way that caused her breath to catch. Angry or not, her body would never stop responding to him this way. “Why is that so awful?”

“Because you didn’t trust me!” Laura exclaimed, furious that she would have to even explain this to him. “I thought you were different. I thought we were a team! We have faced dangerous situations before and you always believed in me. You didn’t try to placate me, or shelter me or tell me that I couldn’t do something that I set my mind to. The rest of the world might have treated me like a secretary, but not you.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Remington scoffed. “I know you, Laura. I know how stubborn you can be. I didn’t make a deal with Antony because I didn’t think you could find me on your own, I made a deal with him because I _knew_ you could. I didn’t want you endangering your life for me. It’s not worth it. _I’m_ not worth it.”

“Is that what you really think?” Laura asked, completely baffled and crushed by the sheer conviction in his tone. Looking at him, she could see in his eyes that he truly believed what he just said.

She was suddenly reminded of their trip into the heart of Dublin after that first night together, when they had visited the first foster home he had ever lived in and subsequently discovered the gravestone of the child that he’d been expected to replace. He’d been barely out of babyhood when he’d learned the harshest lesson of his life – that his worth was contingent on how useful he was to those around him. Over and over again, people had used him and then discarded him when he no longer had value to them. Clearly Remington had internalised that message and had developed his talents as a survival technique. It must have seemed to him that even Daniel wanted him only because of his abilities as a pick pocket and later a con man.

And she had fed right into his belief by allowing him to play the role of Remington Steele. It was no wonder he had left for England when they lost their license. He must have been so hurt to see Laura not only wondering whether their relationship had any real value outside of his role as Remington Steele, but actively considering another man, who supposedly could provide Laura with everything she had always told him she needed.

She had been furious when they saw the gravestone of that little boy. Furious at the couple who had dared to make him feel like he wasn’t worth loving. Furious at every family afterwards who did the same. And now, furious at herself for doing to him what everybody else had ever done. For letting him down so deeply and so profoundly.

“Of course,” he told simply. “I couldn’t handle it if I lost you.”

Without thinking, she reached for him, taking his face in her hands, and gently caressing its contours. He seemed surprised by the initial contact, then, as if on instinct, he submitted to it, allowing her the access to him she so desperately craved.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. A tear escaped and ran down her cheek as the image of that four year old boy that he had once been flashed through her mind. “I should have told you about Daniel. I should have told you about Tony. But mostly, I should have told you every minute of every day that I love you. Only you.”

“Laura, don’t,” Remington said gruffly as he too tried to maintain his composure. His thumb gently brushed the stray tear off her cheek as he pulled her close for an excruciatingly tender kiss. “Please don’t cry.”

“I need you to know it was worth it,” Laura said after they had pulled away. They made their way slowly to the bed and sat down. Laura placed her hand on his and pulled it close, unwilling to break eye contact just yet. “Every tear I’ve cried, every risk I’ve taken, every moment we’ve spent together. Every single solitary second I’ve had to endure with Tony. You’re worth it. _You._ Not because of what you can give or who you can pretend to be, but who you are.”

“I don’t know who I am,” he told her bitterly “I wasn’t ever given a name.”

“A name on a birth certificate doesn’t determine who you are,” Laura insisted. “You do. I always thought I created Remington Steele, but all I did was come up with a name. You made him flesh and blood.”

“I let you down,” he murmured, his voice deeply regretful. “Time and again, I let you and the agency down.”

“And so did I,” Laura replied as she leaned closer to him, kissing his neck and revelling in the way her body felt against his. “I should have told you the moment Daniel told me he was sick. I owed that to you. Don’t you see? We’ve both made mistakes. Big ones. We can either fight for this relationship, or we can let go.”

Instead of responding with words, he pulled her gently into his lap, and kissed her. It was slow and hesitant at first, then she felt her breath quicken as he deepened it, tangling his hands into her hair and pressing his body urgently against hers. She could feel the rapidness of his heartbeat against her own as the kiss became desperate and hungry.

She pulled back, her own breathing shallow and her face flushed. His blue eyes had darkened with desire – a desire she knew that they had both been wrestling with since the moment she walked into the room.

“I don’t want to let go,” he said, his voice gruff and husky. Laura could feel the heat between them, intensifying with every second. “I need you and that scares the hell out of me.”

“I know,” she said, placing her palms against his face and taking a moment to cherish just how beautiful he was. She could feel his arousal, and she yearned to move against it without the restrictive barriers of their clothing. “It scares me too. But right now all I want is for you to make love to me. Is that enough?”

He didn’t answer her. Instead, he claimed her lips once more in a kiss that told her more than words ever could.


	33. Chapter 33

Tony Roselli sat in silence as Marissa and Sasha took turns relaying everything that had happened up until this point. He had known the basics of Marissa and Steele’s journey thanks to his Solidarity contacts, but Sasha was a complete mystery both to him, and to Marissa it seemed.

As they finished telling both of their stories, Tony felt a heaviness descend on him as he realized that things had just become ten times more complicated.

Not only did they have to somehow break into one of the most fortified and dangerous prisons in the Eastern Bloc, but they also had to figure out a way to get them all back and over the border. He’d created false papers for himself, Marissa, Robert and Steele, but Sasha was an added complication.

_Leave it to Steele to promise something he can’t possibly deliver,_ Tony thought angrily to himself. He didn’t know Steele extremely well, yet somehow he knew this sort of gesture to be just the kind of thing that Steele would do. Perhaps because it was also the kind of thing Laura would do – jumping into the deep end without checking the temperature first.

He shook his head, and stood to his feet. Getting angry would not make their situation any easier.

“So, what do you think?” Sasha asked anxiously after he’d stood up. He had noticed her staring at him as if watching his reactions while they told him everything that had happened. He realized that he was also an added unknown for Sasha who had taken a huge risk in trusting Remington and Marissa. Tony was a virtual stranger to her and she had no real reason beyond Steele’s word to believe that he was safe. Given that she had also seen Steele knock the wind out of Tony only moments ago, he could understand why there might be some anxiety on her part.

“I think that we have a lot of work ahead of us,” Tony said carefully. Marissa shot him a look that told him she could read between the lines of that statement, even if Sasha couldn’t. Based on that look, Tony knew that he wouldn’t need to mince words with her, which he appreciated, given that it was her father they were considering putting their lives on the line for. “I think the first thing we need to do is try to establish whether your father is even still alive.”

“How can we do that?” Marissa asked. She and Sasha sat together on one of the twin beds, while Tony sat on the other. “We would have to get into the prison, would we not?”

“Not necessarily,” Tony replied. His instinct was to be cagey about his contacts, especially since not long ago this same woman had been responsible for knocking him out more than once and sticking him in a gunny sack with the intention of handing him over to the KGB. Still, somehow that seemed like a lifetime ago and Tony was able to recognize that her actions had been borne out of desperation. He knew what that could feel like.

No, he couldn’t hold back. If this was going to work, they all had to trust one another. That meant telling laying all the cards on the table.

“I have contacts here within the Solidarity movement,” he told them. The look on Sasha’s face told him she recognized the name. “They have people inside most of the prisons here. I can arrange a meet, show them the photo and see what comes from it, but that means sitting tight here for a little bit longer. How many more shows does the circus have in Moscow?”

“We’re here for another month,” Sasha told him. Once again, Tony marvelled at the fluency with which she spoke. He was also slightly embarrassed to find himself utterly charmed by the soft Russian accent. It was more than a little jarring for him to recognize that not only did he find her highly attractive, but that the realization of that made him nervous.

The only other time that had happened was when he’d first met Kathleen. In most of his interactions with women Tony remained confident and in charge of himself at all times. After Kathleen’s death he had promised himself that he would never involve himself again with someone who required him to let his guard down.

So why did the sound of Sasha’s voice make him feel like a teenager with a crush? Annoyed, he brushed the feeling away, and concentrated on the matter at hand.

“Another month,” he said aloud. “Good. I will make contact with my people tomorrow morning before the sun comes up. If your father is alive, it will give us time to scout the prison, make a plan and put things in place. We will need to get Steele and Laura back here to plan together.”

“Provided they haven’t killed each other,” Marissa said sarcastically. Tony smirked and Sasha, oblivious to the entire situation smiled nervously.

“Speaking of, I should probably get back to Laura and head back to our hotel,” Tony suggested.

“It’s late,” Sasha told him. Tony looked at the clock and was surprised to note the passage of time. “I’ll walk you back to the room.”

He was about to refuse the offer, but realized he had no real reason to do so. Nodding, the two of them got up and left the room.


	34. Chapter 34

Remington’s entire body felt as if it were on fire. Every touch, every sigh, every kiss that he exchanged with Laura took him higher and higher. He felt like a drowning man who had just been thrown a life raft. Even though he had endured much longer stretches of abstinence, somehow the time he had spent apart from Laura this time was different. He felt as if he were starved for touch.

As such, his kisses were frantic, almost desperate. He wound his hands into her hair and pulled her closer, wanting to do nothing more than bury himself inside her and never let go.

Dimly, through the haze of passion, he realized this feeling of intense need was born from the knowledge that he never thought he would see her again. That she would be here once more, in his arms, legs wrapped around him in a Moscow hotel was something he never believed could happen.

And he needed her more than ever. It was a need he felt down to the very depths of his being. Something that gnawed at him, driving him almost to a frenzy.

He took a sharp breath as Laura shifted her weight against him, her lips finding his neck and trailing kisses up and down. Her hands roamed his body freely torturing him with each bit of contact. He hadn’t even noticed that she had been trying to find the bottom of his sweater until she was impatiently yanking it over his head.

Needing no further encouragement, he did the same for her, and then went to work quickly on the back clasp of her bra. Once freed, he gently palmed her breasts as she kissed him, loving the way her nipples hardened under his touch. She pressed herself against him, indicating that her own need was just as great as his.

Her eagerness for contact spurred him on, and he allowed the hand that had been teasing her nipples to roam further downwards. He could hear her whimpering as he touched her, getting closer and closer to where she wanted him. Deftly, he slipped his hand under the waistband of her trousers and found what he was looking for. Her panties were already sopping wet as she pushed frantically against the thin barrier of cotton which only enhanced his own arousal.

With a growl of frustration, he removed his hand, took her by the waist and stood them both up beside the bed. Laura took the hint and in a flurry of movement both of them removed what remained of their clothing.

They tumbled down together on the bed, knocking the lamp – their only source of light – off the desk in the process. The room went dark, and they came together furiously once more. Laura pressed him down against the mattress and straddled him giving him a perfect view of her naked body despite the darkness – a body that had haunted his dreams since they had parted.

“God, I missed you,” he said, his voice husky and deep with longing. She echoed the sentiment by running her hands over him, eventually taking his erection in hand. He moaned aloud as she gripped him tightly, bending over to kiss him once more as her ministrations drove him wild with need.

“I need you,” Laura breathed as she positioned herself against his hardness. “I need you inside me.” She didn’t wait for him to respond. Instead, she sank herself down onto his straining erection.

Remington couldn’t stop the moan that escaped him as he filled her. She was tight and warm and oh so wet. He felt himself pulse inside her, his body urging movement, craving the friction that he desperately needed, and yet he stayed perfectly still, content for the moment, to savour this feeling of utter completeness – a feeling he never thought he would experience again.

Laura must have felt the same because once again, she kissed him – a deep, sensual kiss that conveyed the depth of her love for him in a way that words never could. Even though he knew Laura craved assurances that he wouldn’t leave her, he never thought she truly needed him to stay. This kiss told him otherwise and it was a powerful realization.

Now, as they lay joined together, entangled in one another, he allowed himself to finally pay attention to her actions. He’d made love to many women, but none had ever kissed him the way she did. None had ever truly abandoned themselves the way Laura did. He knew now, that if he let her, she would give him all of herself, body and soul and he vowed to do the same for as long as he lived. He’d spent so long searching for a home, that he hadn’t realized it had been under his nose the entire time. Laura was home. And he was so grateful to finally be back.

“I love you, Remington,” she murmured between kisses. “So much.”

For her to give him those words freely after everything they had gone through told him everything he needed to know.

He wanted to return the words, to tell her everything he was feeling inside, but the blood had completely left his brain, rushing downwards to the point where there bodies were connected, yet still frustratingly still.

He reached up and took her by the waist, indicating that he needed her to move. He felt himself twitching up against her. She took the hint and began to move her hips – slowly at first and then with increasing urgency.

It occurred to her even in his hyper aroused state that she had never looked so beautiful. Her hair cascaded wildly against her shoulders while her small, but perfectly rounded, breasts bounced softly up and down as she rolled her hips back and forth against his erection. She moaned loudly and frequently, taking her pleasure from him which only turned him on further. This was the Laura that Wilson had called ‘absurdly passionate’ and he was beyond grateful that she would share that part of herself with him now.

As their movements became more frantic, Remington lost all sense of time and place. He didn’t hear the soft click that signalled the hotel room door opening, nor did he hear the sound of footsteps that walked across the room towards the bed. They were both so lost in one another, that he didn’t even hear Tony Roselli speak his name aloud, followed by a curse as he realized what they were doing, until it was too late.

Laura yelped when she realized Tony was in the room and she pressed herself against him for cover while Remington sat up.

“Roselli,” he said, through clenched teeth. He held Laura tightly against him with both arms wrapped around her lower back in an attempt to cover her as much as he could. Their bodies remained joined together as he made eye contact with an admittedly very embarrassed looking Tony Roselli. “Get. Out.”

“Yeah, no problem.” Tony said, averting his eyes and stumbling back towards the door. Steele thought he hear him mutter the word ‘sorry’ as the door shut swiftly behind him. Laura sat back and met Remington’s eyes. He expected her to be furious and the mood completely ruined. Instead, to his complete astonishment, she burst into laughter.

Remington, having had time to process the situation, realized the humour in it as well and joined in with her. The release of tension combined with the absurdity of the situation had them laughing until their stomachs hurt and tears rolled down their faces.

“I’m sorry,” he said as the laughter eventually subsided. “I didn’t lock the door.”

“He had a key anyway,” Laura replied wiping a stray tear from her face. “Sasha gave it to him. Do you think he saw…?”

“Everything,” Steele replied with a small grin, “you should have seen his face though.”

That set off a fresh round of laughter between the two of them as they contemplated the look of utter horror on Tony’s face only moments ago.

After another moment of companionable silence, the reality of their physical situation took hold once more. Laura’s eyes darkened slightly and Remington felt his body come back to life as he stirred inside her.

He reached out a hand and cupped her face gently, bringing her lips to his. The kiss was soft, but filled with promise.

“I love you,” he murmured, wanting to get those words out before his body took over and he was unable to speak.

Laura answered by moving her hips, slowly at first, but then picking up the pace as his own body responded. Steele was not surprised to find that Tony’s entrance while undoubtedly qualifying itself for the ‘worst timing ever award’ had not dulled their passion in the slightest.

He found that it wasn’t long before he was past the point of coherence, the tension rising between the two of them as they moved together, exchanging frantic and breathless kisses as they did so.

She was moaning freely now, biting her lip as he pushed himself deeper and deeper inside her. Steele had had plenty of highly vocal partners in the past, but it had always been for show – part of the performance of lovemaking. With Laura he knew that every moan or whimper was genuine and the fact that he was able to give her such unbridled pleasure turned him on more than anything else.

Their breathing was ragged now as their bodies raced towards climax. With each movement inside her, he could feel the tension build to almost unbearable heights. He was so close, but he didn’t want to reach this moment without her.

“I want you,” he told her, barely able to get the words past his lips. “I want you to come with me.”

“Then touch me, Rem,” she pleaded guiding his hand desperately to the spot where their bodies were joined and he slipped in and out of her. “Please.”

It was the use of his name shortened that way and the please – coming out as a whimper of desperation – that almost did him in entirely. He forced his mind to concentrate as his thumb found her clit, slippery from arousal and movement. She cried out with need as he gently pressed against it, trying not to lose contact as they moved together.

“Yes,” she chanted, over and over again as her own climax built. “Yes, please, yes.”

Her climax took over, and he felt her clench around him. The sudden and increase in pressure caused him to slip over the edge as well. He swore roughly as his own orgasm hit and he pumped himself into her, biting into her shoulder as he rode the wave of pleasure that overtook him.


	35. Chapter 35

Sasha, who has halfway down the hallway, turned at the sound of the door to room 405 opening and closing a second time. Even though she was about ten feet away, Tony could see she was surprised to see him back so quickly and on his own.

“What happened?” She asked, concern etched into her already highly expressive features. “Were they still fighting?”   
  
“No,” Tony said, his voice slightly higher pitched than normal. He cleared his throat. “They’re…definitely not fighting.”

Although he didn’t elaborate any further, Sasha was clearly astute enough to put two and two together. Tony wondered if he visibly looked as embarrassed as he felt. He shook that feeling away and allowed annoyance to replace it. It wasn’t his fault he had seen what he had. They hadn’t locked the door or even so much as put a tie over the door handle for God’s sake. No, what he had seen was definitely not his fault, though he doubted that Steele and Laura would see it that way.

It was also at this moment, that he realized the didn’t really have anywhere to sleep that night. While he and Laura still had a hotel room, they had booked the room as a diplomat and his wife. Should he return without her, it could look suspicious. Better not to come back at all, and at least maintain the illusion to the hotel staff that wherever they were, they were together.

Sasha must have sensed his indecision because she offered him a tentative smile.

“You can’t stay in our room,” she told him, “but we have an RV parked in the back of the hotel that you can use. Nadia and Aleksandr are in room 410, so it will be empty while we are in Moscow. The bed isn’t very comfortable, but it’s better than nothing.”

“Thanks,” he said gratefully. She turned and headed towards the stairwell and Tony rushed to catch up with her. “I don’t know how long they will be….in there.”

“Complicated relationship?” Sasha said with a conspiratorial look at Tony. Tony gave her a rueful smile in return.

“You could call it that,” he said with a laugh. Inwardly he thought to himself that there was really no question to be had now as to where Laura’s true feelings lay. He’d been pretty certain that she was in love with Steele, but seeing the two of them together in such an intimate – albeit embarrassingly compromised position – gave Tony the closure he hadn’t realized he needed.

It also caused him to realize that whatever chemistry he had thought he’d had with Laura paled in comparison not only to what she clearly had with Remington Steele, but what he had had once upon a time with Kathleen.

He had thought he’d been pursuing Laura because his feelings for her were genuine, but now he wondered if Laura had merely been in the right place at the right time. Maybe he had finally healed enough after the loss of Kathleen to put himself out there, and she had been the first person to come along that he’d found truly interesting.

It was something worth pondering at a later date for sure. Right now, he felt more than a little exhausted and ready for bed – however uncomfortable that bed might be.

Still, as he followed Sasha out to the parking lot, he couldn’t help but admire the confidence with which she carried herself. She was young, probably in her mid twenties, but possessed a sense of self that was rare for someone her age. It was likely a product of the extreme hardship she had clearly faced living where she did. He found himself admiring her perseverance and bravery.

Even something as seemingly innocent as showing him where the RV was could be highly dangerous for a beautiful woman at this time of night. Another man might try to take advantage of her, and yet she seemed to trust him.

She handed him the key to the RV and smiled another dazzling smile. Tony was annoyed to find that smile affected him more than he liked.

“Well, here we are,” she said. “You won’t be disturbed here, but I would suggest that you be out by about 6 in the morning, just in case.”

She turned to go, and, despite his exhaustion, Tony found that he didn’t want the evening to end.

“Do you happen to have a coffee maker in here, by any chance?” He asked.

“No coffee maker,” Sasha said, clearly amused at the idea of such a decadence. “But there is a small kettle and a couple of tea bags under the sink I believe.” 

“Would you…” he trailed off, embarrassed that he was so hesitant in offering a simple invitation. “Would you like to come in for a little while?”

It was only after he made the offer that he realized how it sounded. He could see the hesitation and uncertainty flicker across her beautiful features and cursed himself for being so indelicate.

“Just to talk,” he assured her. “And maybe to laugh at me as I struggle to figure out how to use your kettle.” 

“Alright,” she said after weighing her options carefully. “But only for a short time. Marissa will be wondering where I am.”


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for THIS chapter ONLY. I didn't use archive warnings because only this chapter has anything worth warning about and I had forgotten about it when I started posting this story. 
> 
> This chapter contains MENTIONS of childhood physical and sexual abuse. No graphic descriptions of said abuse, but if that is something you don't want to read about even being mentioned, then feel free to skip this chapter as it is mainly a chapter in which Remington details events of his past and is not relevant to the overall larger plot.

“There’s something I need to tell you,” Remington said. His voice was soft, enveloping her like a warm blanket as they lay together in the aftermath of their lovemaking. “About the last place I lived before Daniel found me.” Laura was already starting to drift off when he spoke, but something in his tone told her that this was important.

Forcing herself to wake up, she met his gaze across the pillow, his eyes a deep blue even in the darkness. She couldn’t help but smile and neither could he, even though she could tell there was still something troubling him.

“You can tell me anything,” she assured him, reaching out to find his hand and twining her fingers through his. He gave her hand a short squeeze in acknowledgement and took a deep, fortifying breath.

“You’ll have to bear with me, Laura,” he said, almost embarrassed. “This is something I’ve never told a single soul about until now. Daniel knew about some of it of course, but I never gave him all the details. I couldn’t. It’s something I’ve carried with me for years, and something I thought I would carry with me until the day I died.”

“What changed?” She asked, not wanting to pry to deeply. If what he was about to say was really this difficult, she knew she needed to let him set the pace.

“I realized tonight that if we are to have a future, I need you to know.” He said honestly. She could hear the anxiety in his voice and knew that he was afraid that whatever he was about to tell her might alter things between them forever.

Letting go of his hand, she reached up and trailed her fingers over the contours of his face, taking the time to truly cherish every line and wrinkle that made up Remington Steele. She leaned forward and gave him a feather light kiss hoping it conveyed the emotions she was feeling.

“All I’ve ever wanted,” she told him quietly, “is to know you. The good and the bad.”

“You have no idea what it means to me to hear you say that,” he said softly.

“Tell me,” Laura encouraged gently. “What happened? Why did you run away from home?”

“It was never home,” Steele said sharply. Then, realizing the severity of his tone, he shook his head. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s okay,” Laura assured him. She sat up, pulling the sheets around her and he did the same. She reached out and took his hand once more as a gesture of support. He took another deep breath and tried to sort out his thoughts.

“As you know, Daniel found me on the streets when I picked his pocket.”

Laura could see he was struggling. She knew him to be the kind of man that did not easily trust words and yet words were the only thing now that could tell this story. She wished like hell she could say something that would make it easier for him to get through this, but all she could do was hold his hand, give him her complete undivided attention and patience and hope that would be enough.

“It would be so easy for me to say that I ran because the house I was living in at the time was simply the last straw,” he continued. His voice was flat, with no emotional inflection in his tone whatsoever. What could be so bad that he had to distance himself like this in order to simply tell the story? She forced herself to focus on what he was saying. “And that’s true. You’ll recall our trip to Dublin and the first family that took me in? I would like to say things got better with subsequent families, but…”

He trailed off, obviously lost in his own world. Laura waited for a moment, then squeezed his hand lightly once more, bringing him out of his thoughts and back to the moment. He cleared his throat.

“When I was ten, the couple I was living with became pregnant. Mary and Patrick O’Sullivan had taken me in because they needed help on the farm and I was considered old enough to work. With a coming baby, I was on longer considered helpful, but rather another expensive mouth to feed and they put out the feelers to see if anyone else would take me in.”

Laura was surprised by the lack of bitterness or anger in his tone. He spoke matter-of-factly as if giving away a ten year old child were simply a matter of course, and not an awful thing to do to someone who had spent so much of his young life feeling unloved and unwanted.

“The couple that owned the farm next to us, expressed an interest. The O’Sullivans told me they were distant relations of mine, though I highly doubted it. Every family I had lived with made that claim. By this point I knew it was all bollocks, but I went along with it because I didn’t have much choice. Well that, and I kept hoping that one day I would end up with a family that actually did want me. The older I got the less I thought that an actual possibility, but I had to keep hoping.”

The wistfulness in his voice caused a lump to form in Laura’s throat. She looked away, hoping he couldn’t see the tears forming in her eyes in the darkness. She knew that he needed to get this out.

“The family name was Ryan,” he continued. She could hear his voice falter ever so slightly when he said it. “Deirdre and Thomas. They had one biological child, a young boy named Ricky and couldn’t have anymore. Deirdre – Mrs. Ryan – offered to take me in as a favour to Mary O’Sullivan. I think she genuinely regretted not being able to have more, and thought her husband would be glad of the help as Ricky was only six and not yet able to take on farm chores.”

He paused and ran his hand through his hair in an absentminded gesture that gave away his anxiety at the memory.

“Do you want to stop for a moment?” Laura asked him. He blinked and looked at her as if remembering that she was there.

“No, I think I need to get this out,” he said quietly. “But thank you.”

Laura kissed him gently and sat back while he gathered his thoughts.

“I’ll never forget the look on Thomas Ryan’s face when he first saw me,” Remington said eventually after a long pause. “He looked me up and down for a long time, as if he was trying to decide something. I didn’t understand it at the time, but…” He trailed off for a moment, drew a shuddering breath and continued. “Eventually the look in his eyes changed to pure disgust. He spit on the floor and told his wife I was ‘too old’. I don’t know why, but I felt ashamed. If only I knew then what I know now…”

Remington laughed bitterly at the memory. Laura moved closer placed her head against his chest, comforted by the steady beat of his heart and the warmth of his body. They sat there for a moment in companionable silence.

“So what happened?” She finally asked.

“Nothing at first,” he replied. His voice was a low rumble against her cheek in the darkness. “I am assuming his wife Deirdre was the one who argued to keep me, and Thomas simply caved in. I went to work on the farm and for the first couple of weeks it was no different than many of the other families I stayed with – with one exception. Thomas made it perfectly clear he couldn’t stand the sight of me. I had no idea why, only that whenever I made eye contact with him, he would become irrationally angry. He eventually started taking that anger out on my physically.”

Laura sat back and looked up into his eyes as her own heart constricted at the thought of Remington being beaten for some unknown or imaginary crime. She wanted to comfort him, but the look in his eyes urged caution. He wasn’t finished. His entire demeanor became a dark grimace as he began to relay the next part of the story.

“The beatings weren’t the worst part,” he said quietly. “Not by a long shot. I assume you’ve seen the scar on my back, yes?”

Laura had. She had noticed it the first time they had made love. A small scar the size of a dime just above his tailbone. She’d wanted to ask about it then, but was afraid to do so. It looked as if he was going to tell her now, and the sick feeling in her stomach told her she might not want to hear it.

“I began to notice that while Thomas was busy taking out his frustrations on me, he doted on Ricky. I became jealous of Ricky. Jealous because he was their biological child, but also because he seemed to be worthy of the love that seemed to constantly elude me. I picked on him…tormented him. Thomas caught me doing it of course, and whenever he did, instead of the normal physical punishments, he would…take a lit cigar and burn it into my back.”

  
Laura gasped out loud as he spoke.

“My God, Remington…”

“He did this frequently enough that it left a scar. Every time he did it he would tell me…” Remington’s voice was ragged as he repeated the words permanently etched in his brain. “‘This is what happens to worthless little boys who pick on their betters.’ He told me that I would carry that mark wherever I went. To remind me of how worthless I was, I suppose.”

“He was wrong!” Laura burst out, unable to stop herself. “You’re worth ten of him. What kind of person does that to a child?” A helpless sort of rage overtook her. Every cell in her body wanted to find the man responsible and inflict the same harm on him, that he had on Remington. Still, she knew that was impossible, and that knowledge only made her more frustrated. The look in his eyes told her the story wasn’t over yet, so she forced her emotions down and let him continue.

“I wish I could say that was the worst thing he did,” Remington said, almost too quietly for Laura to hear him. “And to me, it was. But to Ricky…”

He stood up abruptly – so abruptly that their bedsheets – wrapped around them both – fell down leaving them both naked and exposed to the cool temperature of the room. Laura gasped at the sudden change and gathered the blankets back around her as she watched Remington pace the room in silent agitation.

“Remington?” Her voice was hesitant, afraid to break into the personal nightmare that telling this story had clearly trapped him in.  
  


“I need a minute, please.” He finally said. His voice was an octave higher and tightly constrained. Slowly, he walked over to the dresser next to the bed. He grabbed a pitcher of water and poured a small amount into the paper cup next to it. He took a slow drink, set the cup down and then gripped the dresser tightly, taking deep breaths as he did so.

Laura wasn’t sure if he wanted her near him, but she couldn’t watch him go through this alone. She stood up and approached him slowly, giving him the chance to walk away if he needed to. He didn’t and, much like he had done two years ago on his balcony, Laura wrapped her arms around his waist and held onto him.

They were silent for a few moments. His heartbeat was fast, but steady and his breathing eventually returned to normal. The warmth of his skin against hers had a calming element that Laura hoped could help get him through the rest of the story. Silently she wondered how it could possibly get worse.

Eventually, he straightened and turned to face her. The expression on his face broke her heart all over again. He looked like a lost child, desperately seeking an escape for the nightmares that plagued him. The only problem was that these nightmares were real, and it had taken him decades to face them.

He took her face in his hands and pulled her close for a long, lingering kiss. Despite the situation, both of their bodies couldn’t help but respond to one another and Laura found herself pulling away before things became too distracting.

“Tell me what happened to Ricky,” she urged.

He nodded, realizing that this was something he needed to finish and spoke. His voice was clear, but his eyes were hard and full of torment.

“I came in early one night due to an unexpected frost. I came inside to ask Mr. Ryan if there was anything else he would like me to do. At first the house seemed deserted. It was Friday night so I knew that Mrs. Ryan was out doing her weekly grocery shop. I looked for Mr. Ryan and Ricky everywhere. When I didn’t find them, I decided to go sit in Ricky’s room for a short while. I knew I wasn’t allowed in there, but I would go in anyway from time to time and just…pretend for a moment that I had what every other child seemed to have.”

He took her hand and guided her gently back to the bed. They both sat down, and he gathered her into his arms as he told the rest of the story.

“I opened the door to the bedroom and found Mr. Ryan and Ricky. He was…touching him. In a way that no adult should ever touch a child.” Remington’s voice had deepened, turned bitter and angry as the memory washed through him.

Laura felt physically sick to her stomach as the realization of what he was saying fully dawned on her.

“What…” she trailed off, her voice shaking with emotion. “What did you do?”

“I yelled at him,” Steele replied simply. “I was only ten so I didn’t even fully comprehend what I was seeing, but I knew how wrong it was. Mr. Ryan flew into a rage. He grabbed me by the neck, shoved me against the wall and began to choke me.”

“Oh God,” she murmured softly. Remington’s hands were shaking as he told the story and she found herself reaching out instinctively to hold onto them.

“I suppose I should consider myself lucky,” Steele said, his voice rough with emotion. “Beatings were nothing compared to…” he swallowed heavily. “Anyway, he might have choked me to death had Ricky not cried out ‘da you’ll kill him!’. He let go of me, gave me a few nasty blows to the face, and told me that if I ever breathed a word of what I had just seen he would kill me. And I believed him.”

He looked at Laura and she saw a tear slide down his face. Gently, he reached up and wiped it away. She had never known that it was capable to feel emotions like this for another individual so deeply. It felt as though her heart would crack in two. It was no wonder he hadn’t wanted to tell her this story. All those years she had nagged him about his past. All those times she accused him of holding out on her, accused him of using his past as a way of keeping them apart.

What right did she have to demand he tell her this? What right did she have to make him re-live it again? Certainly at the beginning of their relationship he had owed her absolutely nothing and yet she had treated his hesitance as some kind of crime against their relationship.

“I’m so sorry,” she murmured, realizing that she was crying now as well. “For all those times I held your past against you. I never would have if I had known…”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Remington told her fiercly. “You couldn’t have known. It was so much easier for me to play the man of mystery than to face the truth. In a way, seeing what he did to Ricky…it helped me to let go of what little hope I had left of finding a family.”

“Not all families hurt each other,” Laura said, knowing the second the words left her lips how hollow they were in the face of such an awful collection of memories.

“I know,” Remington replied giving her a long, lingering look. Laura couldn’t even begin to fathom what he was thinking but it looked as if he was working something out in his mind. “At least, I hope not.” He kissed her softly once more and continued his story.

“After that I knew I had to leave. It was only a matter of time before Mr. Ryan made good on his threat. I also knew I couldn’t leave Ricky behind. Not with what I knew. I cornered Ricky the next night and told him we were leaving. I must have sounded like I knew what I was doing because he agreed. I knew Mr. Ryan kept some money hidden in a drawer for the nights he would go out to the pub. I took it, and we snuck out once the sun went down.”

“You must have been so scared,” Laura said with frank admiration in her tone. She pictured her own comfortable middle class upbringing and tried to imagine what it would have been like to be alone on the streets with no one to care for her. Remington had not only survived, but somehow managed to overcome it to become the incredible man in front of her.

“Terrified,” he confirmed with a short laugh. “But once we had left, we knew we couldn’t go back. We kept to back roads mostly. Hitchhiked when we could, hopped onto the occasional freight train and used what little money we had for food until it ran out. Eventually we made it to London. By this time I had gotten pretty good at picking pockets and Ricky’s youth was enough to gain sympathy from most passers-by when begging on the streets. We made a good team for the most part. We found a spot to sleep at night in the attic of an old movie house and for the next little while we managed.”

“Was that when Daniel found you?” Laura asked. Remington’s face darkened slightly causing Laura’s heart to sink.

“You have to understand that being on the streets is never safe. You have to watch your back all the time. The fact that we were so young was no kind of protection, in fact, it made us bigger targets especially for the teenage gangs who were no longer successful at begging for scraps. We had to learn very quickly when to fight and when to run. It worked for a while, but one night we returned to the movie house, and found a group of lads waiting for us in the alley way near the fire escape. I suppose they jumped us because of the movie house. It was a good place to sleep. It was warm, safe and away from the elements…really, if we had been more careful it might have turned out differently.”

He bowed his head for a moment. Laura watched the steady rise and fall of his shoulders in the darkness, and marvelled at the strength it must have taken to endure everything he’d gone through.

“They attacked us, of course,” he said after a long pause. “I’d gotten pretty good at defending myself by this point, but there were too many of them and one of them had a knife.”

He lifted his head, took her hand, and pressed it gently to the underside of his ribs where she felt the faint remnants of a scar.

“It wasn’t a deep wound, but it was enough to cause me to drop my guard. Ricky…well, he’d been sick for a while. The chap with the knife cut him pretty deeply. I tried to get help. I ran and hollered until my lungs were hoarse, but…”

He looked up and met her gaze again, his own blue eyes swimming with pain.

“By the time I got back to the alley, Ricky was gone.” His voice was hoarse, and Laura could see him fighting tears. “He died alone, Laura. I wasn’t there. He was six years old. I was supposed to protect him.”

Laura watched as the emotions overcame him, her own heart breaking all over again alongside his.

“You can’t blame yourself,” she insisted. “You were a child in an awful situation. What happened to Ricky was not your fault.”

“Whose then?” He shot back. Anger flashed through his eyes, but Laura knew it wasn’t directed at her. She also knew that there was very little she could say that would take away the guilt he had built up over the decades. It was as much a part of him as his love of movies and mere words would not change that. “I took him out of that house. I convinced him to run. If I hadn’t…”

“If you hadn’t, his father would have continued to…” Laura couldn’t even say it aloud.

“But he would still be alive,” Remington countered. “We could spend an eternity arguing which is worse. Either way, his death is on me.”

He stood up and paced the room once more trying to order his thoughts.

“After that, things only got worse. I had nowhere to sleep and no food to eat. Picking pockets became harder and harder. I was so filthy, most people steered clear of me the moment they saw me. I felt nothing but rage and the fights became more and more frequent. To be honest, if Daniel hadn’t found me when he did, I don’t think I would have survived another week.”

Laura motioned to him to come back to the bed and he did so, accepting her comfort almost reluctantly – as if he didn’t think he deserved it. When next he spoke, his voice was quiet and reflective, but with the pain he’d felt earlier still simmering underneath.

“It’s funny, but I always thought that the reason Daniel caught me picking his pocket was because I was so hungry, I’d gotten sloppy. But that wasn’t it at all, was it? He’d been looking for me. All that time I had thought I was alone, but there was someone. Maybe if he had found me a little bit sooner, things could have been different. For me, and for Ricky.”

“At least you know he cared,” Laura said gently. “Whatever Daniel’s other faults, he _wanted_ to be a father to you. That’s more than can be said for some.”

“You’re right,” he said, as if realizing something for the first time. He gave Laura a long, look before he spoke again. “I’m sorry your father wasn’t there for you.”

“This isn’t about me,” Laura said, amazed that he could even begin to feel empathy for her, after everything he had been through. “Tell me about what happened when Daniel found you.”

Remington cleared his throat, gave her one more thoughtful look and continued speaking.

“As I said, he caught me picking his pocket. He grabbed me by the scruff and hauled me away. I thought I was in for it for sure. I had no idea that Daniel wans’t the well dressed gentleman that he appeared to be. I thought I had picked the pocket of a banker or a business man. I assumed he would either turn me over to the police or get some hired goons to teach me a lesson. What I never expected was that he would throw me into his car, take me home, demand I take a bath and make me the finest meal I had ever tasted.”

He looked at her with a rueful chuckle.

“I ate it, of course. I didn’t trust the man worth a damn, but I wasn’t stupid either. I did everything he said, waiting for the other shoe to drop. In fairness to Daniel he didn’t try to explain himself or stop me from leaving. After I finished eating, he showed me to a spare room and said ‘there’s a bed for the night if you need it’. I didn’t know what to think. I had heard stories on the street of older gentleman taking young boys into their homes in exchange for…well, much the same thing that Ricky’s father wanted. I had vowed to myself that I would never become quite that desperate, but after so many nights of cold, and hunger…well I stopped caring what happened to me.”

He gave Laura a look that was almost pleading. It was almost as if he was silently begging her not to judge him for whatever he was about to say next.

“The bed looked so warm and I was so weak and tired. I truly felt like I had nothing to live for. What’s worse, for the first time, I didn’t see any kind of future for myself. I assumed that my life would eventually end the same way Ricky’s had. I’d given up. I looked at Daniel and I said ‘alright, Mr. you can have whatever you want, but make it quick’…and I began to take off my shirt.”

He looked away, unable to maintain eye contact with her after that admission. Laura had no idea what to say. She was just so overwhelmed with anger and sadness for the child he’d been. She couldn’t imagine judging or blaming him for what happened, or what he had been willing to do, but she knew others would have. The fact that he had spoken these words out loud for the first time in his life to her, told her more than an ‘I love you’ ever could

“Daniel was horrified,” he continued, speaking into the darkness of the room, still unable to look back at her. “I could see it on his face. He stopped me from removing my clothes, sat down next to me and said ‘I didn’t bring you here for that. I brought you here to work. You’re good at picking pockets but there is more to learn. I’m willing to teach you. You’ll get warm food, a bed, and a cut of whatever we steal. You can leave anytime. What do you say?’ I said yes, of course. I would have been a fool not to…but I still didn’t trust him.”

“Daniel must have understood that,” Laura said, slipping her hand in his.

“Indeed,” Remington mused thoughtfully. “I suppose I never gave much thought to how it must have felt for him to find me like that. To see his son for the first time filthy, desperate and full of rage. It must have been heartbreaking. By that time, I no longer wanted to find my father. I hated him. I had seen that even biological parents could be monsters. If he’d told me the truth then, I honestly don’t know what I would have done.”

“Remington, look at me,” she said, reaching out and touching the tip of his chin gently. He turned back to her, his deep blue eyes full of shame and self loathing. “I love you. Nothing you have told me tonight will ever change that. You know that right?”

“There’s a great deal of violence in me, Laura.” He told her, needing to be as honest as possible. “I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but I’ve worked for years to contain it. Daniel helped me channel it. He didn’t just teach me how to be a con man. He taught me how to be a man. He taught me how to control the anger inside me….to use it. I owe so much to him and yet, I feel like I barely knew him. That anger still sits inside of me. When he told me he was my father, I felt it come over me…like a wave. I want to love him, but part of me still hates him. I don’t know what to do with that.”

“This is all my fault,” Laura told, her voice vibrating with a quiet intensity that surprised them both. “All these damn secrets, all these lies..”

She paused, trying desperately to control her emotions.

“When I found out who he was, I told him he had to tell you. He was afraid. He begged me to let it go. He seemed almost…desperate. He asked me to let sleeping dogs lie.” She looked up at him sadly. “But I couldn’t do that. The last conversation we had was…awful. I told him that he was right. I said that you were much better off imagining the strong father that you deserve than finding out you were the son of a cowardly con artist.”

“Laura,” he said softly, but she cut him off before he could continue.  
  


“I can’t imagine how badly that must have hurt him. After everything you both went through. He was dying and I called him a coward. I bullied him into telling you – the man had only days left to live and I forced him to risk ruining his relationship with you because I was so damn sure I was right.”

He pulled her close and held her tightly for a moment, both too lost in their own world to speak.

“Was I better off not knowing?” Remington wondered aloud. “Maybe. But I would have found out one way or another. I understand now why you didn’t tell me. You were only trying to protect me. Just like he was all those years ago.” 

“I know you’re unsure of how to feel about him,” Laura said, “ and you have every right to be. But until you’re ready to love him, I am going to do it wholeheartedly and without reservation for the both of us.”

He looked at her with mild surprise.

“I know it seems strange to say that when all we ever did was fight, but I realize now that he had been the one to build you back up after having seen the worst the world could do to you. He had no earthly reason to think I was doing anything but using you. Any father in his position would have done the same. He was a good father and a good man and I’m so sorry I didn’t know him better.”

“Thank you, Laura,” Remington said, his voice gruff with emotion. “For everything. For hearing the worst parts of my life and still being here. For being you.”


	37. Chapter 37

Morning came too soon for Remington. He and Laura had stayed up well into the wee hours of the morning talking, making love and reconnecting with one another in a way they hadn’t done since their fake marriage on the tuna boat.

It felt like a bucket of cold water had been splashed on both of them and reality – like daylight – had come pouring in. They couldn’t stay there, wrapped in each other’s arms together like Remington so desperately wanted. Each of them had come into the Soviet Union with a cover story and it was one that would need to be protected at all costs.

Laura and Antony would need to return to their hotel at some point or they would arouse suspicion. Their profile was a lot more visible than his, despite taking on the guise of a performer. Given what had happened with Antony the night before, Remington knew that it might take some convincing to get Laura to return to their previous arrangement, but all of their safety depended on it.

He wondered briefly if he had put Antony in any danger by forcing him to return to the hotel alone the night before, but banished the thought from his head as Laura rolled over and slowly opened her eyes.

An ear to ear smile spread across both their faces as their eyes met. A long, luxurious moment stretched before them as Remington kissed Laura gently and gathered her into his arms. For the first time in his life he felt truly home. It was a feeling he had thought he would never feel and he wanted to hold onto it as long as he could.   
  
It was Laura who eventually pulled back, looked at the clock by the bed and sighed.

“I don’t suppose we can stay here forever?” She said softly.

“Not unless you fancy a career change. The Russian State Circus barely pays at all, but on the bright side the food is terrible.” He replied with a rueful chuckle. It was then he too looked at the clock and sat up. “I suspect Marissa has probably sent out a search party by now. We should probably get dressed.”

“I don’t want to leave here,” Laura said as she ran a finger lightly down the side of his face. “I certainly don’t want to go back to the Metropol with Tony.”

“That’s the last thing I want either,” he murmured, trying to ignore the effect that her touch was having on him. “Especially after last night.”

The mention of what Tony saw last night caused Laura to groan audibly and cover her face with her hands.

“How on Earth am I going to be able to look him in the eye after last night much less share a room with him? I feel nauseous just thinking about it.”

“Icy calm, Laura,” he said with a small smile. “Besides, I imagine he’s more afraid of you now than your are of him.”

Their eyes met and they both laughed as they remembered the look on his face from the night before. Remington was relieved that despite the reality of their current situation that he and Laura seemed to be more on the same page than ever before. The prospect of her returning to the Metropol as a diplomatic ambassador’s wife with Tony, while less than ideal, did not fill him with the same sort of insecurity. Something about last night had caused a fundamental shift in their relationship. A burden had been lifted from both of their shoulders and Remington felt that for once, there was someone in his life that truly understood him.

It was a heady feeling and one he wished they had all the time in the world to explore. He could tell by the look on her face that the last thing she wanted to do was put on clothing and leave their little bubble. He felt the exact same way. Still, both of them knew that the only way that either of them could move forward and begin rebuilding their lives together was for them to finish what they came to do.

Remington reluctantly got out of bed and rifled through his admittedly rather sparse suitcase for something suitable to wear. The circus was closed today, but there would still be things to do and he was already late. He knew he would have to check in with Marissa and they would have to put in some time rehearsing and helping repair or mend anything that needed tending to.

Laura dressed quickly as well and by the time a knock sounded at the door they were fully presentable. As he suspected, Marissa had sent Sasha to find them.

“Marissa thought we should have a quick meeting,” Sasha said. He noticed her cheeks were a faint pink, leading him to wonder if she had spoken to Antony.

He nodded and Laura joined him at his side. Sasha lead the way down the hall. Remington began to follow her when he felt Laura gently touch his arm. He looked at her in confusion.

“Last night, what you told me…” she bit her lip and he could tell by the look on her face that she was searching for the right words. “I need you to know it’s safe….you’re safe. With me.”

An unexpected tidal wave of emotion washed over him at the enormity of what she was promising him. He swallowed the lump in his throat, drew a shallow breath and squeezed her hand.   
  
“I know,” was all he said before Sasha’s voice slightly down the hall broke the spell.   
  
“Mr. Steele? Ms. Holt?”

  
“Ahh, yes, coming.” He said, attempting to sound casual, but failing miserably.

As the two of them followed Sasha down the hall, he shot a side glance at Laura. She was attempting to play it cool, but he could tell by the tightness of her jaw that the prospect of coming face to face with Antony after what he had seen the night before was not one she was looking forward to. He didn’t blame her. It wasn’t exactly top on his priority list either.

He knew now that Laura’s reluctance to further their relationship over the years went far deeper than her issues trusting him. Laura Holt was a strong, deeply private woman who didn’t share her true self with just anyone. That Tony had seen her in such a compromising way had likely made her feel vulnerable and exposed. 

They had laughed about it then, but for some reason facing him now in the light of day after the fact seemed somehow more difficult. 

Marissa had a cup of coffee made for each of them ready as they entered the room. Remington did a quick scan of the room and was relieved to see that Antony was nowhere to be seen. Laura visibly relaxed as she came to that same realization.

“Tony went to meet with one of his solidarity contacts,” Marissa said, filling in the blanks of what they were both thinking. “He slept in the RV and left before dawn so he should be back soon.”

“That’s smart,” Remington said, clearing his throat and shooting a quick glance at Laura. She gave a weak smile in return.

“In the meantime we need to return to business as usual,” Marissa continued, shooting a pointed glance at Remington and Laura. It was clear to everyone in the room that whatever privacy they had enjoyed last night would be short lived – at least until they made it back through the Iron Curtain. “We can’t allow anyone to become suspicious. Once we know whether my father is alive we can formulate a plan to get him out.”

“And if he isn’t alive?” Laura said quietly. Marissa looked at her probably for the first time since she entered the room and gave an empty smile.

“Then I suppose we will be planning to leave sooner than we thought.”

Laura was about to reply, when the sound of a key in the door startled all four of them. As Antony entered, Remington saw Laura stiffen and look away. Her entire face was pink right to her ears which for some reason he found extremely endearing. Not many things could embarrass Laura Holt, and fewer of them could get her to admit it.

“Your father’s alive,” Antony said to Marissa without preamble. He didn’t look at either of them as he walked straight over to the window and closed the shades. “We’re going to need to be very careful from now on if we are going to get him out.”

“Are you…” Marissa cleared her throat and Remington noticed her hands were shaking as she spoke. It occurred to him that she hadn’t actually expected this news. “Are you certain?”

“My contacts recognized him the moment they saw the photograph,” Antony replied with a grim smile.

“He’s been there all this time?” She whispered, more to herself than anyone else. Laura crossed the room and put a reassuring hand on Marissa’s shoulder. There was something in her gesture of empathy that calmed Marissa slightly.

“It seems that way,” Antony confirmed.

“Does this mean…” she took a deep, shuddering breath. “This can’t happen very often, can it? I mean it’s been years.”

“It’s uncommon for a government to keep a prisoner this long, but not impossible,” Antony said. Remington noticed his tone change slightly. He was choosing his words more carefully now and his heart sank as he guessed the reason. “It’s typically done with people the government thinks they can exchange for one of their own or someone they think has information they need.”

“And if my father had information they wanted, and didn’t give it to them, he’d be tortured, right?” Marissa asked softly. Antony nodded.

It takes a very strong person to withstand Soviet interrogation. Usually they break pretty early on. If they don’t, they eventually get relegated to a basement cell and forgotten about. Not a threat to the regime, but unable to report back to their own people.”

“So the person either breaks or just gets forgotten about until…what? Until they die?” Laura exclaimed, unable to restrain herself. For the first time since he entered the room, Antony looked at her. His eyes darkened with displeasure at her bluntness.

“Many do die in those cells, yes.” He confirmed quietly. Then, looking at Marissa, he said, “looks like your father got lucky.”

“Lucky?” Marissa said, her voice raising an octave. “You call that lucky? He’s been wasting away in that cell for five years! He’s been tortured and God knows what else, and you want to call that lucky?”

“He’s alive, isn’t he?” Antony shot back, as he crossed back over the room and made sure the hotel door was locked. Remington watched as he proceeded to check the light fixtures and furniture, presumably looking for bugs or recording devices. The knot that had formed in his stomach became worse as the full realization of what they were about to embark on dawned.

“Is that…really necessary?” Remington asked, hoping that Antony was just being paranoid and that things hadn’t gotten a million times more complicated.

“How about you stick to the fire eating, and leave the intelligence work to me, alright Steele?” Antony snapped.

“Fire breathing, mate,” Remington replied through clenched teeth. “And I’m merely trying to ascertain the level of danger that we’ll be walking into.”

“Look this aint L.A.,” Antony replied, finishing his search and finally looking him in the eye. Remington was surprised to see real fear behind Antony’s gaze which oddly had a reassuring effect. “If you’re all sure about doing this than you need to know the odds are high that we won’t all make it out alive.”

“What about me?” Sasha asked, speaking out loud for the first time since Antony walked in. Antony looked slightly surprised to hear her speak and Steele noted that he went out of his way to avoid looking her in the eye as well. His heart sank. He had made a promise he knew he couldn’t keep to Sasha and it would be Antony’s responsibility to deliver that news, presumably now.

“What about you?” He asked.

“Look, Mr. Roselli, I know that I am an added danger here. I’m not stupid. Mr. Steele agreed to help me out of the goodness of his heart and I’m grateful. But I’m trusting you to be straight with me. Can you get me out or am I putting all of you in danger by asking?”

“I don’t know,” Antony replied after a long pause. Sasha’s shoulders visibly slumped. “But I’m willing to try if everyone else is….and call me Tony.”

“I’m in,” Laura said quietly.

“Me too,” Marissa agreed.

Remington simply nodded.

“Alright then,” Antony replied. “Let’s go to work.”


	38. Chapter 38

Even though Tony’s work was extremely dangerous, this was possibly the first time in years that he felt relatively calm inside.

It was interesting. After Kathleen’s death he went off the rails in a way that embarrassed even him looking back. Along with the constant drinking, he started fights with almost everyone he came into contact with including supervisors and people he’d previously considered friends. It got so bad, that he was labelled a loose cannon and the agency decided they needed to put him in a place where he would do the least amount of harm.

In retrospect, he was damn lucky he wasn’t just secretly eliminated and disposed of. He’d heard rumours of that happening to agents that became a liability and thinking of some of the things he had done and said, he had certainly qualified. Likely the only reason he continued to breath air was because Fitch and the other double agents figured they could use him. Exile him to the middle of nowhere and then, when he was desperate enough to prove himself and be let back in they could use him for their own ends.

It had almost worked. It _would_ have worked had it not been for Remington Steele and Laura Holt. He hated the thought of Steele as the man who saved his life, but in a lot of ways that’s exactly what he was. Tony had been told he needed a fall guy – someone that he could blackmail for his own ends. At the time, he had thought that the agency was trying to give him a hand by tipping him off to Steele’s issues with the INS. The agency decided that if Steele fit the right profile they could use him, and Tony for their own purposes and he had been too eager to prove himself that he hadn’t looked to closely at the particulars of what he was being asked to do.

Yes, Steele was responsible for the fact that Tony was still alive, but Laura…Laura was responsible for the fact that he was actually beginning to heal.

She’d been the first woman since Kathleen that he had found himself interested in for more than simply a willing bed partner. Conchita had been fun so he had rather selfishly strung her along because she satisfied him physically but he hadn’t realized just how empty he had become until he met Laura.

Mildred had warned him at the time that there was no way he would be able to get between Steele and Laura and he’d been right. Regardless of how hard he’d tried, there was no denying that Laura Holt might have reawakened his heart, but hers belonged to Remington Steele.

He understood it now and even though it had hurt initially, he realized that he was glad of the hurt. The hurt meant that he was still alive after feeling for so long that he was dead inside. It still pained him to think of Kathleen but it no longer felt like he was dead inside.

Laura Holt was a part of that and he was grateful.

And though Laura would always be special for awakening something he’d long feared lost, it was Sasha who was responsible for making him feel things he hadn’t felt since Kathleen.

She had taken it upon herself to accompany him when possible to accomplish certain tasks in preparation for their eventual escape attempt. In normal circumstances he would not have allowed it, but he needed the help if he was ever going to get emergency papers for her. Her brother’s name resonated with many of his contacts, given that they had helped him get across successfully.

The more time they spent together, the more charming he’d found her. Despite the hardship she had endured, she remained upbeat, determined and highly intelligent. She seemed to have a natural talent for spycraft and briefly considered recommending her for the agency should they ever get home.

She also seemed to enjoy his company as much as he did hers. Unlike Laura, she welcomed his company and as a bonus there was no annoyingly good looking con man to stand in his way. He even found himself taking the added risk of finding times for Laura to spend time with said con man in order to socialise with Sasha in a way unrelated to their task.

Every night he delayed his return to the hotel partly out of residual embarrassment for what he had seen days ago but also because it meant he got to have a cup of tea with Sasha and for at least an hour or two forget about what was going on around them.

It had been over a week and he knew it was only a matter of time before he got word on whether his contacts would be able to manufacture sufficiently realistic looking papers for Sasha. In the meantime, he found himself in her RV with a cup of absolutely terrible tea and an old pack of playing cards that she had managed to find somewhere.

“And then Viktor told our parents that I was the one who convinced _him_ to skip school. Oh boy was I in trouble,” she said with a laugh. “I could have killed him.”

“I can only imagine,” he said with a chuckle as he envisioned the story. She was a brilliantly eloquent story teller and he enjoyed hearing the tales of her childhood more than he realized.

“Do you have any brothers or sisters?” Sasha asked him curiously. It occurred to him that she was the first person beyond Kathleen who actually want to know about his life beyond his job. Normally he wouldn’t tell a civilian anything about his outside life lest it put his family members in danger, but for some reason he found himself playing fast and loose with the rules in more ways than one.

“I have a sister,” he said, “she lives in Florida with my parents who retired a few years back but I haven’t spoken to them in well over a decade.”

“Wow, that’s a long time to go without family,” Sasha said, her large expressive eyes full of empathy.

“It’s the nature of the job,” he said with a shrug, though deep down he knew that this was one area she could understand at least a bit having been out of contact with her brother for so long. “I shouldn’t have even told you about them. I’m a danger to them. It’s too risky, so I just stay away.”

“For how long?” She asked quietly.

He looked away, uncomfortable with her questions for reminding him of a reality he usually tried to forget. In all likelihood, he may never see his family again. Even if he got out, there was still a great amount of danger to them. He had made his peace with that a long time ago, but that didn’t make it any easier.

Thankfully Sasha understood his silence and threw down a card, announcing that she had won their game. He looked down to see that she had in fact beaten him. Again.

“Son of a…” he muttered to himself as he reshuffled the deck. Looking back at her, he changed the topic. “What about you? I know your brother got through the iron curtain. Did your parents go with him?”

  
Sasha’s expression darkened immediately telling Tony what he needed to know before she responded.

“They died a few years ago in a car accident. Viktor and I were on our own after that.”

“Seems like you’ve done alright for yourself,” Tony observed, unsure of what to say to that. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

“You live here long enough, you get used to loss,” she replied in an attempt at nonchalance that he didn’t believe for a second. There was a short moment of silence and he could tell she was working up the courage to ask him something. “Speaking of loss, what’s the over/under on this actually working? Am I an added liability?”

Tony opened his mouth to tell her the truth – that the likelihood of getting her to the States was very low and that she was indeed an added liability. A few days ago he wouldn’t have hesitated to give her the complete unvarnished truth. It was part of his nature and a part that most people didn’t react very kindly to.

And even though he knew Sasha to be the kind of person who actually did appreciate his total honesty, he suddenly found he couldn’t bear to be the person that caused her to experience even more loss.

“You’re not a liability Sasha,” he told her, lying through his teeth and hating himself for it. “We will get you out. I promise.”

She was quiet a moment and he could tell she was searching his eyes to determine if he was telling the truth. Eventually she must have decided he was – likely because he hadn’t given her any reason to believe he wouldn’t be – and she nodded and went back to the game.

Tony felt like a complete coward and found that he was no longer able to concentrate on the game and couldn’t bring himself to swallow one more gulp of tepid tea. After a few moments he gave an exaggerated yawn, and stood up.

“It’s early,” she protested, seeing he was getting ready to leave. “You don’t have to go just yet.”

“I should,” he told her, truly reluctant to leave her company yet unable to stomach his own.

  
“Will we meet tomorrow?” She asked. He felt his stomach churn at the hopeful tone in her voice.

“I don’t know,” he replied vaguely. “I have some people to meet and it’s essential I go alone. But I will see you soon, okay?”

“Sure,” she said and he hated the disappointment he heard in her voice. He turned to leave. “Wait!”

She stood up and touched his arm, pulling him closer to her than he felt comfortable being. Before he could react, she stood up on her tiptoes and gave him a soft, gentle kiss. When he pulled back he found himself for once incapable of saying a single word.

She smiled at him and squeezed his hand.

“Thank you, Tony. For everything,”

He nodded, unable to respond and stumbled out of the RV.


	39. Chapter 39

Despite Laura’s experience in navigating dangerous situations, she found the next few days to be more difficult than she anticipated. She had thought she was used to life or death situations by now, but the USSR was a completely different world and not knowing all the players had thrown her somewhat off her axis.

  
Laura had never experienced anxiety before, but she could only imagine that was what she was experiencing – a feeling in the pit of her stomach that caused it to churn every now and then. She hadn’t eaten much in the past few days, and though she knew she should, it was difficult to motivate herself to do so.

While Tony worked on a plan with Sasha and his contacts, Remington and Marissa were either performing or working, doing their level best to go unnoticed before the plan was put into action.   
  
As the supposed wife of a diplomat, it left Laura with very little do to and even less of a reason to see Remington. She attended the circus every night, knowing that was the one place that she would not arouse any suspicion. She would be seen by those around her as a Western politician’s wife wanting to be entertained and nothing more.

Despite the large crowd, there was always something deeply intimate about watching him perform. Their eyes would meet frequently and Laura would see it – a quirk of his lips, a small, knowing smile, or a seemingly insignificant gesture that would tell her he loved her. It caused her breath to catch and her heart to beat faster – as if they were discovering each other for the first time all over again.

Occasionally they would all meet together and Tony would update them on the progress of the plan. In order to get all the pieces in place, they had to be patient, which Laura realized was something she was not particularly good at.

A routine had been established between them, partly out of necessity and partly to avoid any further undue embarrassment between the two of them. Laura had no desire to bring up what he had seen in that hotel room and neither did he. A sort of unspoken agreement had developed between them in which they focused only on the task at hand. And it seemed to work. Despite the fact that it wasn’t happening as quickly as Laura would like it to, they all seemed adept at doing their part and waiting until the right time came to make their next move.

Tony was admittedly the expert. Even Remington acknowledged it and would defer to him when necessary. In another life, the two could have worked very well together combining Remington’s finesse, knowledge of the grift, and charisma with Tony’s resources, and intelligence contacts.

Still, Laura would be grateful when this was all over and she and Remington could return to their own lives, and Tony to his. Despite her desire to rid themselves of him, Tony’s story about Kathleen had stayed with her. As she watched Tony and Sasha grow closer and closer, she worried about what might happen if they had to leave her behind.

She was certain she wasn’t the only one who noticed that they would use every opportunity they could to spend time together. She’d seen the way Remington would raise his eyes at the excuses Tony would make. Secretly Laura suspected that this process was taking longer because Tony knew that once they began their plan, Sasha would almost certainly be left behind.  
  
It wasn’t something any of them spoke about out loud. She felt like they were largely going through the motions. Getting paperwork that would pass muster on this side of the Iron Curtain was virtually impossible with their time frame. Even Laura knew it. And if she knew it, surely Sasha did as well.   
  
On the odd occasion like tonight, Sasha was able to sneak her into the hotel and Laura was grateful for the time alone with him, however brief. As she reached the hotel room, she inserted the key that Sasha had copied for her.

The first thing she heard when she entered was the shower. She let herself in and took a seat on the bed. She remembered back to their case where they had gone undercover at the circus and how good it had felt to shower immediately after a performance. Remington had been particularly charismatic that evening and Laura briefly toyed with the idea of surprising him in the shower.

She was unfortunately too late for that, however as a moment later she heard the tap shut off.

“Remington?” She called, “I’m here.”

“I’ll be right out,” he called back. Seconds later he emerged and her breath caught in her throat as she took in the site of him in nothing but a towel. He gave her one of his trademark grins and Laura felt the weight of the world lift just by seeing him smile.

“I like your outfit,” she said as she approached him for a deep and tantalizing kiss. His hair was still wet and smelling faintly of hotel shampoo. His arms wrapped around her and she let herself get lost in him.

When she pulled away she noticed a pensive look had taken over.

“What is it?” She asked.

“It’s going to be soon, Laura.” He said quietly. “It has to be.”

“What’s happened?” She asked, a chill settling over her.

“Nothing,” he replied. Then, shaking his head, “at least nothing I can identify. I just get this feeling that…”

He trailed off and looked away which only served to frighten her even more. She reached out and gently touched his hand.   
  
“No secrets, remember?” She said. “What you know, I know.”

His eyes searched hers for a moment. He appeared to be deciding something. Eventually he took a deep breath and spoke.   
  
“I don’t want to alarm you, but I think I’m being watched.”

“How do you know? Have you seen anyone? Do you think Tony’s been made? Is Sasha in danger? What should I….”

“I don’t know,” he said, interrupting the flow of questions that seemed to come all at once. “Like I said, I don’t have any concrete reason to think it, I just…” he paused and collected his thoughts once more. “It’s been a while since I lived on the streets, but even still it never goes away. That feeling of always watching your back, of knowing whether you’re being watched or followed. It’s like an extra sense.”

“I believe you,” Laura assured him, realizing that she had experienced that feeling herself. “Do you think we’re ready?”

“Whether we are or not, we have to do something soon.” He said grimly. “The circus will only be in Moscow for the next couple of weeks. After that, we go on the move again. Antony knows this.”

“I’m sure he will have something ready before then,” Laura said, though secretly she wasn’t so sure.

“Has he said anything to you?” Remington asked. “When he comes back to the hotel, I mean.”

“No,” Laura said sheepishly. “We don’t really talk. It’s too embarrassing for both of us I think.”

“I understand,” he replied with a smile reserved only for her. “But I think we need to meet soon and get all the cards on the table. Either in this room or Marissa and Sasha’s. Like I said, I think we have been here too long. Any longer and we could get more notice than we should. If we haven’t already.”

“And Sasha?” Laura said softly. “What will happen to her?”

“I don’t know,” he said, looking away. His shoulders feel and she could tell that Sasha’s fate was weighing heavily on his heart. “Antony said he would get papers for her, but…”

“This isn’t your fault,” she said, reaching out and turning his face back to hers. Regret swam in his eyes. “You can’t save everyone. Sometimes it’s enough to just save yourself.”

“I don’t believe that,” he told her his voice as heavy as his heart. “I can’t.”

“Then we have to hope that Tony comes through,” Laura replied with a determined tilt to her chin. “I will talk to him tonight. I promise.”

“I love you,” he said, as he pulled her into his arms once more. Though they held each other close, each of them felt miles away as they contemplated their next steps…and Sasha’s fate.


	40. Chapter 40

Tony was late coming back to the hotel that night. Given her attempts to avoid any one on one time with Tony, her instinct was to go to bed early in order to avoid him.

Fighting her own embarrassment, and that now familiar feeling in the pit of her stomach, she waited up in the hopes of finding out the truth in regards to how close they truly were to getting Marissa’s father out of prison and going home.

She watched as he entered the room and went to work readying himself for bed without even acknowledging her. Laura knew that part of the reason was that he was embarrassed as she was, but there was also a weariness in him that she hadn’t noticed before. Her stomach churned once more. Something was not going well.

“How was Sasha?” She asked quietly. He looked up, surprised no doubt not only to hear her speak to him, but also because Laura knew exactly where he had been.

“What makes you think I was with her?” He asked, clearly not wanting to admit it but also not denying it. Laura sighed. She slid off the bed and approached him – something she hadn’t done since the night he walked in on her and Remington.

“Listen, in any other circumstances, I wouldn’t give a damn where you were,” she told him. “But Remington is out there every night in the spotlight, putting himself at risk to keep his cover. He thinks he’s potentially being watched and…”

“And I am out there every night risking my ass trying to get us back home.” Tony interrupted angrily. “I talk to the wrong person and it’s game over for me. You think that’s in the same league as putting on some make-up and swallowing some fire?”

“It’s not a competition,” Laura said, exasperated. “Do you think I don’t know what you’re risking?”

“No, Holt,” he sneered, “I think you’re too busy cozying up to your fake husband.”

Laura felt her cheeks flush and anger shoot through her. She pushed it down, knowing that his defensiveness likely had more to do with Sasha than it did with her.

“Nice try,” she said, her lips a firm line. “It’s not going to work though. Let’s get this out in the open. You walked in on Remington and I. And it was humiliating, but I really don’t care what you saw or didn’t see. There are more important things at risk right now. And I know you and Sasha have grown close. I know you want to find a way to bring her back with us. I know you’ve been delaying our attempt to get Marissa’s father out in order to make that happen and if it were just your life you were risking I honestly wouldn’t care.”

“No, you wouldn’t, would you?” He replied quietly and Laura instantly felt bad.

“I’m sorry,” she replied with a shake of her head. “That’s not what I meant. You told me that story about Kathleen and I don’t know what’s happened between you and Sasha, but if I ever lost Remington I don’t know that I could put myself out there for a second chance. You’re taking more risks than one and I understand that. I do. But we are running out of time. You know that, I know that, and Sasha probably knows that. She’s not stupid, you know.”

“Yeah I know,” he said with a heavy sigh. She watched him sit down on the bed and his shoulders slump. In an instant all the fight went out of him. Laura sat down next to him. “I haven’t felt this way in a long time. She’s smart, she’s funny. She’s interested back. She’s everything I never thought I would have again. And we are most likely going to have to leave her here.”

“Are you sure?” Laura asked, feeling the pain and guilt radiating from him. “How much more time do we need?”

“Too much,” he admitted sadly. “Weeks. I’ve done everything I could, talked to everyone I know and some I didn’t know. I have taken more risks than I reasonably should have in an attempt to get papers that looked even remotely passable. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Out of time.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, and she genuinely meant it. Whatever else had happened between them, she wouldn’t wish the kind of pain she saw on his face on anyone.

“Not your fault,” he said gruffly. He looked at her as if contemplating their situation. “You said Steele thinks he’s being watched?”

“Yes,” Laura said, looking down. “He said it’s just a feeling but…”

“I get it,” he interrupted. “You’re right. I gotta stop pissing around. It’s time to put this thing to work and get out of here.”

“And Sasha?” She asked gently.

He looked away, clearly uncomfortable with whatever emotion was passing over his face.

“I gotta tell her,” he replied sadly. “And there are one or two other details to work out. Give me a week. We’ll have a meeting tomorrow morning and I’ll give you guys all the details.”

“Alright,” she replied unsure of what else she should say. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Just…” he trailed off shaking his head. “Just leave me be.”

Nodding, she stood up and walked over to the couch where she began to arrange her bedding for the night.


	41. Chapter 41

The meeting the next morning was short and to the point. Tony kept things to the facts and only the facts.

The facts were that he almost had the route home worked out in order to stop at as few possible check points as possible. His solidarity contacts were to spread the word down the line and help them where possible. They would have to take a few places on foot, and would have different cars waiting for them in others.

“Why can’t we just drive the entire way?” Marissa asked. “We have two vehicles.”

“We have one vehicle,” Remington interrupted. “Antony’s car is a vehicle. What you and I travelled in is an insult to good taste.” 

“We can’t afford to be picky,” Marissa argued. “I agree that it’s a lemon but…”

“That thing is an insult to lemons,” Steele grumbled. 

“Steele is right,” Tony agreed, prompting a somewhat surprised look from Remington. “The car Laura and I are driving was obtained to keep our cover as a diplomatic couple. Extra people in it will draw attention and Steele’s car can barely fit two people much less four. We’re going to need something different.”

“And where is that something different coming from?” Sasha wondered. The look she shot Tony let him know that she had noticed his inclusion of her in the plans. Ice cold guilt hit him again as he realized that at some point he was going to have to tell her there just wasn’t enough time to help her as well.

He would tell her. He would. He just didn’t want to do it in front of everyone. This was a conversation for just the two of them. At least that’s what he told himself. He couldn’t bear the idea that he was avoiding it because he was simply too cowardly.

He could feel Laura’s sympathetic glances and somehow that made him even angrier. To be rejected by her was one thing. It hadn’t felt good at the time, but he’d gotten over it. To be pitied by her was maddening.

He shook the thoughts away and continued.

“My contacts are organizing two cars for us. We will go in teams and we will switch it up so that we are never the same group travelling at one time.” He informed them.

“You haven’t told us the most important information,” Marissa said speaking up. He knew that she of all people had the most riding on this yet she had been uncharacteristically silent the entire time. “How are we going to get my father out of prison?”

“That’s where I come in,” Sasha said speaking up. Tony glanced at her in surprise. They had gone over the plans together, but he hadn’t expected her to take the lead like this in the meeting. Once again he found himself impressed by her. “I have shown Tony the plans my brother had from the prison. He also left behind a few of his uniforms from when he used to clean it.”

“Sasha and I will go in as cleaners,” Tony continued. “We will find Marissa’s father, pick the lock and get him out.”

“That simple is it?” Steele said wryly, eyebrows raised. “What about surveillance? ID badges?”

“Working on them,” Tony growled back, aware that things were not as fully formed yet as he would like them to be.

“There were secret tunnels built underneath the prison over a hundred years ago,” Sasha continued. “My brother told me that even when he used to go in to clean they were still there. We get to those, and they should lead us out to the storm drain at the back of the prison.”

“Should?” Marissa said with a raised eyebrow.

“Some of this is theoretical, yes,” Tony acknowledged. “Since none of us have actually gotten in there, it has to be. Sasha and I will go to the prison tomorrow and have a look at where we think the tunnels should lead out to. We will also get the car and stash it around the corner in the alley way there.”

“And if the car gets stolen?” Steele questioned.

“Look this was the best I could do on short notice,” Tony replied, annoyed that all the holes in the plan were obvious even to a layman like Steele. “All we can do is have rotating shifts watching it.”

“All right,” he acquiesced quietly.

“From there were make our way to a safe house that my people have ready for us. We wait there a bit until the heat dies down and then attempt the trip home.” Tony looked around the room as the others processed the plan. “Any other questions?” 

Everyone else, including Marissa was silent. Tony nodded.   
  
“Then we go on as if everything is the same. Sasha and I will go to the prison and retrieve the car. Laura, it would be a good idea if you went back to the hotel and stayed there.”

“Now wait a minute…”

“He’s right, Laura,” Remington agreed. Now it was Tony’s tun to be surprised. “Anything out of the ordinary could get noticed. Until we’re ready, you and I shouldn’t see each other.”

Laura opened her mouth to protest once more but Steele interrupted her with a soft, but impassioned plea.

“Please.”

“All right,” she agreed quietly. Tony saw the look that passed between them and noticed for the first time how pale and wan Laura looked. He wondered when she had eaten last. The Laura Holt he had been stuck with throughout this trip did not generally give up quite this easily. As curious as he was about what was troubling her, he knew it was no longer any of his business.

“If we’re done here,” Marissa interrupted. “Steele and I need to get to work.”

Sasha approached him, her face resolved, but hopeful.

“Well?” She said to him, “shall we?”

He nodded, his entire body feeling the pressure of responsibility for all the lives in the room.


	42. Chapter 42

“You haven’t said a word since we got the car,” Sasha remarked as they drove towards the designated drop off point for the car that his contacts had managed to procure for them. “I mean you’re not normally Mr. Talkative, but…” she laughed to herself. “Listen to me, I say ‘normally’ as if I know you, but I don’t know you. Not really.”

“You know enough,” he replied with slightly more abruptness than he meant. He wasn’t sure why. She was absolutely correct. She didn’t really know him. In fact, not one single person who he was currently responsible for getting home safely knew much of anything about him. But then, whose fault was that?

_Not my fault,_ he told himself. _It’s for their protection as well as mine. In my line of work familiarity gets you killed._

“What’s your favourite colour?” Sasha asked, refusing to be deterred by his surly attitude.

“Salmon,” Tony replied almost automatically. To his surprise, Sasha burst out laughing. “What’s so funny?”

“Salmon?” Sasha chuckled, “you mean pink right?”

“No,” he replied through gritted teeth, “I meant salmon. And so what if I did like pink? What’s wrong with a guy liking pink anyway?”

“Nothing,” Sasha replied seriously. “Just trying to picture you in a salmon coloured suit…” She dissolved into laughter once more and Tony had to fought to keep the corners of his mouth from twitching into a smile. Her laughter was infectious, even when directed at him.

“It’s a very popular colour in South America,” he grumbled. “Alright, what’s your favourite colour?”

“Midnight blue,” she told him, her chin tilted up as if daring him to argue. “It always reminds me of how dark the night sky was the night Viktor escaped.”

“Technically the sky would have been black,” Tony pointed out, “but a nice sentiment either way.”

“Okay next question, do you prefer dogs or cats?”

“Cats,” he replied, “because they mind their own business.”

“Is that your not-so-subtle way of telling me to mind mine?” Sasha asked, “because if you want me to be quiet, I will.”

“I’m sorry,” he said with a shake of his head. “Ignore me, I’m being a jerk. Just under a lot of pressure for this thing to work.”

“It will work,” Sasha reassured him. Her tone of voice suggested she had far more faith in him than he was deserving of. Once again he felt like the worst person in the world. When he didn’t respond right away, Sasha continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “Since you asked, I like dogs. They are always friendly and loyal no matter what. I always felt like cats were too indifferent.”

“You haven’t had the right cat then,” Tony replied, grateful to be back on safer ground. As they arrived at the designated spot, Tony put the car in park and the two of them climbed out and began walking back towards Sasha’s hotel.

  
Today was an ‘off’ day performance-wise and Marissa had covered Sasha’s work so her absence wasn’t noticed. They had already gone to the back of the prison and located the storm drain and calculated how far away the car needed to be so as to be convenient for them to get to, but not too obvious for anyone who knew what to look for.

They walked together in silence for a while before Tony spoke again.

“Mr. Muffins.”

“Excuse me?” Sasha replied in confusion.

“The name of my cat as a kid.”

Sasha blinked for a moment and looked away trying to hide her laughter.

“In my defence, my parents got him when I was six,” Tony said as she continued to laugh. He noticed that when she did, her cheeks turned an awfully attractive shade of pink. “I loved that cat. He used to curl up with me every night. Wouldn’t go to bed without me. Even when I got older and I went away to college, my parents made me come back at weekends. Mr. Muffins would howl for me every night.”

“You still had him when you went away to college?” Sasha asked incredulously.

“Yeah he lived to a ripe old age,” Tony confirmed as they reached the hotel. “I never thought it would hurt so much to lose a damn cat.”

He shook his head at the memory of his first real loss.

“I never got another one.” They reached the door to Sasha’s room and he paused awkwardly, not sure what to say. This would be the perfect time to tell her the truth, and yet his mouth refused to form the words his head was screaming at him to say. Eventually Sasha took the lead for him.

“Do you…want to come in?”

  
She had asked him that before. He had been invited many times into the RV for a tea and a game of cards. The way she asked it this time, coupled with the kiss they had shared the night before told him she had something entirely different from a game of cards in mind. His stomach churned at the thought even as other parts of his body urged him forward. It was a classic war of heart vs. head. Well, heart and other places.

“I…probably shouldn’t,” he was finally able to say. He felt at least somewhat better about himself. If he couldn’t tell her the truth, at least he wouldn’t take advantage of whatever feelings she might have for him. It would be much easier for her to hate him if she thought he didn’t care. And hate him she would.

“It’s alright, Tony,” she said after a moment had passed. “I know you don’t have the papers to get me out.”

“What makes you say that?” He asked, hating himself even more for not taking the out that she was giving him.

“Well for one thing, your face,” Sasha said quietly. “You know for a spy, you’ve got a terrible poker face.”

  
“We still have a week,” he said, unsure of who he was trying to convince. Deep down he knew it was a good thing that she wasn’t getting her hopes up and yet somehow the thought of her losing hope, meant giving up entirely and he wasn’t sure he was ready to do that yet. There had to be a way.

“Don’t patronize me please,” she said softly. “I had my chance before and I didn’t take it. I don’t blame you for not being able to do the impossible. And if getting me out isn’t going to happen then I want to make the most of the time I have…with you.”

She reached out and took his hand. Against his better judgement, he allowed himself to be pulled inside.

“This doesn’t feel right,” he admitted as the door closed behind them. “I feel like I am not only letting you down, but taking advantage of you.”

Sasha pressed herself against him as he spoke. He felt drawn to kiss her even as he said he shouldn’t.

“You’re not taking anything I am not willing to give,” she reassured him. “I’m not a child. I know what the situation is. I know I might never see you again. I also know that I have never felt this way about anyone in my life.”

“All the more reason why we shouldn’t,” he protested, even as she kissed him back in a way that made his heart speed up.

“All the more reason why we should,” she countered as she pulled away. “I can watch you walk away wondering what it could have been like, or I can do so with memories that I will forever hold dear.”

“I…” he turned away from her and walked further into the room. He could hear her feet pad softly behind him towards the bed. He looked back at her trying one more time. “I feel like I failed you.”

“You didn’t,” she promised as she squeezed his hand tightly. “I know you have been trying your best not to let me down. You can’t do the impossible. Maybe if we had more time…but I know that we don’t. There are others that are depending on you. I won’t endanger their lives to better my own.”

“You’re an extraordinary woman, Sasha,” he said hoarsely trying to ignore the lump in his throat.

“Then promise you won’t forget me,” she replied as she began to slowly unbutton her top.

“Never,” he vowed.


	43. Chapter 43

Laura Holt absolutely hated waiting. The only thing she hated more than waiting, was being sidelined. Now, here she was being asked to do both. It was never something she had been particularly good at and one of the main reasons she tended to get herself into so many dangerous situations.

Logically she knew it was a good idea to have back-up, but sometimes there was a fine line between waiting for back-up and feeling like she was reliant on a man and Laura was never very good at figuring out where that line was until after she’d crossed it.

This time, however, she was doing as she was told as much as she hated to do so. It had been her instinct to fight against Tony ordering her to stay in the hotel room and lay low. It wasn’t until Remington turned his blue eyes to hers and pleaded with her to do so that she found herself relenting. She had no problem risking her own life, but she couldn’t risk his or anyone else’s.

She was going crazy not speaking to him or touching him. Knowing he was in the same city, potentially being watched by the KGB was terrifying for her. She worried every night that passed that something might happen to him. She thought she had lost him once already, and she felt so helpless knowing that it could potentially happen again at any moment.

Her appetite had all but disappeared and she knew that she had lost a bit of weight. She’d seen the concern in Remington’s eyes during the meeting, but they hadn’t had the opportunity to talk. Laura knew she should eat to keep her strength up but even the thought of food caused her stomach to rebel.

She still attended the circus every night however, as a small measure of defiance. When Tony questioned her on it, she made the argument that she had been doing so for as long as they had been in Moscow. It was an established routine and if anybody _was_ watching them, it would draw more suspicion if she stopped going.

Tony didn’t like it, but he didn’t say anymore about it. And even though she knew it was a danger to all of them, Laura didn’t say anything to him in return about the night he had spent with Sasha after their meeting.

She knew that leaving Sasha behind was something Tony was having difficulty dealing with and pointing out that he had broken the rules potentially to say a proper goodbye to her was just asking for a fight.

Their meeting in the hotel room was on a Sunday and by Tuesday, Laura had started to suspect that Remington had been right about being watched. At this point she had seen the performance enough times to have it memorized and when Remington wasn’t on stage she had begun to scan the crowd. It didn’t take her long to notice the men in dark suits that hovered by the exits before and after Remington’s performances. They wouldn’t be there until he appeared and would disappear after his performance had ended.

She mentioned it to Tony, who waved her concerns away telling her she was being paranoid. She argued with him, but he was clearly too distracted with whatever last ditch attempt he had been mounting to help Sasha, to hear her.

When Wednesday night rolled around, Laura was determined to figure out who these men were and whether they truly were following Mr. Steele. She waited until his performance began and sure enough the men appeared at various exit points. They stood and watched him just as they had done the nights before.

This time, however, Laura decided to watch them to see just what they were up to. She waited until they were in place and then stood up and exited the big top. She found a spot out of sight where she could keep an eye on at least two of the men and noticed they were communicating with one another via a series of hand gestures, much like a pitcher would with an umpire in a baseball game.

When Remington’s performance ended, that seemed to make up their mind about something and the men signalled to one another. Laura followed them, keeping a low profile as they made their way outside and towards the back stage entrance. Remington would have to come out that door when he was finished changing.

She watched as two of the men stationed themselves outside the door waiting. They spoke with three others and it looked as if some sort of decision was reached and the other three men headed in the opposite direction. If Laura had to hazard a guess, it would be that these men intended to retrieve whatever transportation they needed.

Laura had no idea what to do. Her heart hammered in her ears as she inwardly went through her options. If they were just watching Remington and Marissa, then there was a very good chance they would do nothing right now. However, if they had discovered who they really were, then there would only be two potential outcomes. One didn’t even bear thinking about. The other, was that they intended to capture and question them. If that was the case, she needed to warn them somehow. But how?

Those men were the only thing standing between her and the changing area where Mr. Steele and Marissa were undoubtedly taking off their costumes from the show. There was no way she could get in to warn them ahead of time.

So what could she do? There wasn’t enough time to run back to the hotel to find Tony. She had no idea where Sasha was. Her trapeze performance had been earlier in the show so likely Sasha would either be waiting backstage until the show ended or in the RV, having already changed. If she was lucky and Sasha was in the RV, she could go in and warn them. But if she wasn’t there, and the men made a move, she wouldn’t know what had happened to them.

She had to take a chance.

Getting as close to the men as she could, she made a mental note of what they looked like in case she needed to describe them to Tony. It wouldn’t be easy. Both were tall with short dark hair and equally non-descript features. They wore identical black suits with black ties. Straight out of the secret spy playbook down to their shiny black shoes.

As quietly as she could, Laura made her way to the RV, hoping against hope that Sasha would be there.

She was in luck. The minute she heard Sasha respond to her knock with “come in”, Laura was through the door. The expression on Laura’s face must have told her something was wrong because Sasha was on her feet instantly.

“What is it?” She asked, a tremor in her voice. “Is Tony…”

“He’s fine,” Laura said, “at least as far as I know. We have more immediate problems. There are two men outside the back door entrance to the big top, waiting for Marissa and Mr. Steele. I’ve noticed them watching them for three days now. I am afraid they’re planning on hurting them or taking them or….”

“What do we do?” Sasha asked, her eyes round with fear. “We should get Tony, shouldn’t we?”

“There’s no time,” Laura replied urgently. “They could be coming out of there any minute now. I can’t get in there to warn them. But you can.”

Realization of what Laura wanted her to do dawned on her.

“You want me to…”

“Go in there and warn them while I run back and get Tony. Don’t let them come out of there. If I’m not back when the show lets out, come out through the crowd and hope like hell they lose you.”

“Laura I’m not sure I can do this,” Sasha whispered fearfully.

“Damn it we don’t have a choice!” Laura exclaimed in frustration. “If they catch them they might kill them. If they know what we’re up to, they _will_ come for us next. This is our only option.”

“Alright,” Sasha said with a short nod. “Let’s go.”

  
They left the RV and headed back towards the big top. Once they were within range, Laura pointed.

“There they are,” she whispered. She was about to reassure Sasha that she could do this and that she would be right back with Tony when the door opened and Laura’s heart almost stopped as she watched Marissa and Remington exit the building.

Without even realizing what she was doing she started towards them. It wasn’t until she felt Sasha’s arm on her shoulder that she realized if she exposed herself now she would get all of them killed. Pulling back, she watched, heart in her throat.

Time seemed to slow to a crawl as she watched the men close in on both of them. She saw the look of confusion and then fear on Marissa’s face as well as the grim realization of what was happening on Remington’s.

His hands tightened into fists and he began throwing punches. Laura’s heart beat triple-time as she watched the Kilkenny Kid attempt to fight his way out. Just as it looked as he was getting the upper hand, two more men appeared in aid of the other two and outnumbered him.   
  
She must have attempted to call out his name, because she felt Sasha’s hand close over her mouth and the woman pull her back more forcefully, as she instinctively attempted to run towards him again.

She sank to her knees as a dark van appeared and Remington and Marissa were thrown inside, the men jumping in after and the van speeding away. Ice closed over her heart and she began to hyperventilate. A wave of dizziness overtook her and she fought to stay in control. 

She shook uncontrollably as the image of Remington and Marissa being taken played over and over in her mind.

  
A hand fell on her shoulder which she vaguely recognized as Sasha’s. Her voice was in Laura’s ear and she fought through the haze of fear and shock to comprehend what she was saying.

“Get up, Laura, We need to get Tony. _Now_.”


	44. Chapter 44

Sasha grabbed Laura and the two of them raced towards Laura and Tony’s hotel room. She had no idea if he would be there or not, but it was the only thing she could think to do. Laura seemed to have fallen apart the moment Marissa and Mr. Steele were rounded up into the van. Sasha could sympathise but she knew that if at least one of them didn’t keep it together then Steele and Marissa didn’t have long.

Thankfully, Laura’s catatonic state did not last long. The moment they were up and running she seemed to snap out of it and Sasha watched as a cold, angry determination came over her.

Sasha struggled to keep up as they reached the hotel and raced inside, all usual precautions thrown out the window. They burst through the door and thankfully Tony was seated at the small table in the corner writing something down on the hotel stationary.

His head snapped up in surprise when he saw the two of them, then quickly changed to reflect the nature of both of their expressions. He might not know exactly what happened, but he knew something did. He stood up and quickly approached them.

“What happened?”

“They took them,” Laura said, her voice shaking with barely controlled fury. “I told you they were being watched. I _told_ you. You said I was being paranoid. You didn’t listen to me, and they threw them in a van and…”

“Hold on, slow down,” Tony said, his hand up, trying to contain the verbal onslaught in a search for facts. Sasha felt sorry of him. Given the look in Laura’s eyes, she knew she wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of her anger. “Who took them? What did they look like?”

“Like men in suits waiting to torture American citizens, I don’t know!” Laura exclaimed. “They were dressed in black and had a black van. They’ve been watching them for days. I tried to tell you but….”

“Yeah yeah, I know,” Tony interrupted, his lips settling into a thin line. Sasha could already tell he was blaming himself. “We’ll get them back.”

“How?” Laura demanded, hands on her hips as she paced the hotel room. “We don’t even know where they’ve taken them or if they…”

She trailed off, trying desperately to control her emotions. Sasha was by her side instantly. She didn’t know Laura very well but she could tell it was taking every inch of Laura’s self control to stay angry and focused so that she didn’t fall apart or dwell on the less pleasant possibilities. She also noticed that Laura seemed weaker somehow – almost frail. She appeared to have lost some weight and their was a greyish pallor to her complexion. Sasha’s mind raced with possibilities, but pushed them down in order to focus on the situation at hand.

Tony turned to her, his eyes all business.

“Do you know where they would have taken them?” He asked, then, shooting a glance out of the corner of his eye, said “if they’re still alive.”

Laura visibly shuddered at hearing the words said out loud. She looked as if she was fighting the desire to be sick.

“I…” Sasha’s mind raced. She wasn’t a spy or private investigator. This wasn’t her wheelhouse at all, but she would do her best all the same. She glanced at Laura who was standing as still as a stone. Sasha didn’t want to have to say what she was thinking but Remington and Marissa would not be found with half measures. “It depends. If they know everything? Who they are, who we are…”

Sasha sighed softly and shook her head. Tony thankfully understood what she was trying to communicate and saved her from having to say it herself.

“Then they are likely already dead and we’re next.” His voice was cold and emotionless, but Laura reacted as if he had physically hit her.

“And if not?” She asked stiffly. “If they simply suspect who we are?”

“Then they will take them to the prison to torture them,” Sasha said quietly. She reached over and squeezed Laura’s hand but the doubted the woman even noticed.

“That’s our best case scenario,” Tony replied with a nod. “Nothing’s changed. It just means our timeline is moved up.”

“Nothing’s changed?” Laura said her voice rising with outrage. “How dare you? This is not some inconvenience! They could be dead and if they aren’t, Remington could be…”

Tears sprang into her eyes and she wiped them away furiously.

“You think I like this?” Tony shot back, his own anger flaring up. “This just got a thousand times more complicated. We were supposed to have a few more days _. I_ was supposed to have a few more days. And now they could be in completely opposite ends of the prison for all we know! We have no idea where they are or if we can get them out and I am out of time.”

“Out of time for what?” Sasha wondered. All of a sudden it was clear that there was something else at work here. Whatever it was Tony had been doing, he hadn’t told her, or anybody else about it.

“To get you out!” He exclaimed, his eyes wild. “I thought if I just had a week. If I called in every favour, took every risk then maybe just maybe I could…”

“Put us all in danger?” Laura said, her eyes wide with realization. “Is this your fault? Did you do this?”

“I…” Tony started to respond, but Laura cut him off.

“Lay low, you said. Keep out of site you said and I stupidly listened. But you didn’t, did you? You risked everything and now Remington and Marissa will pay the price.”   
  


“You think I feel good about this?” Tony cried.

“I don’t give a damn how you feel,” Laura hissed. “The only thing I care about was just thrown in a van either to be killed or to have God knows what happen to him! You have no idea…”

“What it’s like to be helpless while someone you love is killed?” Tony interrupted coldly. “I damn well do, so don’t even try to tell me I don’t know how this feels.” 

“Can both of you just stop for a moment?” Sasha interrupted desperately trying to organize her thoughts. She had no idea how to feel about this new information. She had thought that she and Tony were on the same page when it came to getting her papers to get out. She knew he didn’t have the time and she thought he did as well. And now it seems that he had been continuing to meet with people in an attempt to help her. Part of her felt angry at him for putting them all at risk the way he had.

But another part of her was falling more deeply for him than ever before. Nobody had ever fought so hard for her. It was an incredible feeling but also one that scared her. She didn’t want to be responsible for putting others at risk.

Tony and Laura both went quiet as Sasha spoke.

“Arguing over whose fault this is is a waste of time! We need to be focusing on how to get them back.”

“If they’re still alive,” Laura said, her voice trembling and her eyes shooting daggers at Tony.

“We have to assume they are,” Tony replied evenly. “We are simply going to have to move up the timeline.”

“That simple, is it?” Laura shot back. “We don’t even know where they are! How are we going to find both of them as well as Marissa’s father?”

“We will have to all go in,” Tony said with a frustrated sigh. “We get in and split up. I will find Steele and Marissa. Laura, you go with Sasha, get her father out and get to the entrance to the tunnels. We will meet you outside.”

“Like hell!” Laura spat. “If you think I am going to trust you with his life after what you did…”

“You don’t have a choice,” Tony said patiently. “You can’t go on your own because you don’t speak the language and you have no idea where they are. Sasha knows where Marissa’s father is, but she can’t pick the lock. You need to do that for her. I can’t risk you wandering around the prison looking for Steele and Marissa. And I can’t risk you giving yourself away when you find him.”

“He’s right,” Sasha interrupted before Laura could unleash her anger on him again. “You’re too close to this and I need you to help me. This is the best way to do it for everyone involved.”

“When?” She asked, her eyes still flashing fire but mollified for the time being.

  
“Tomorrow night,” Tony replied with a heavy sigh.

“No,” Laura said, shaking her head rapidly. “That could be too late. We need to go now. Tonight.”

“While I agree that we can’t waste any time, we can’t go rushing off half cocked. There are very likely surveillance cameras inside that prison. I need time to get in touch with my contacts.” Tony paced back and forth as he talked “The original plan was that they would cut power to the building from the outside, but only for a short time. That would allow us to get to them and get out without being noticed. Unless we do that, we would be walking into a slaughter.”

“Remington and Marissa aren’t special agents,” Laura reminded him allowing a tremor to creep into her voice. “If they crack under torture, they will no longer be of any use. They’ll be killed. We have no time to lose.”

“We will go as soon as I can make contact,” Tony reassured her. “Not before. We need to have everything in place, including the uniforms we will use to disguise ourselves when we go in.”

“The uniforms are in the hotel room,” Sasha told them. Then, looking at Laura added, “we can go there to plan. I think it’s best we get at least some rest and something to eat.”

“I’m fine,” Laura said, waving away Sasha’s words with her hand. But the tremble in her hand was not lost on Sasha, which only made her more determined.

“You won’t be any good to him if you pass out,” she said quietly to Laura. Laura opened her mouth as if wanting to say something, then decided against it. She gave a curt nod instead.

“Then lets get going,” Tony said as he stood up and headed towards the door. Laura blocked his path and placed a hand on his chest. Sasha watched as she looked him directly in the eye and spoke, venom dripping from every word.

“Their lives are in your hands. _His_ life. If anything happens to them…”

“I’ll get them out,” he interrupted before she could finish her threat. “I promise I will get them out.”

“Yes, you will.” Was all she said before turning away and striding out the door. Sasha looked over at Tony who looked completely and utterly defeated. She moved closer, unsure if she should touch his hand, or leave him be.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered so quietly she could barely hear him. “I didn’t want to leave you.”

“I know,” Sasha replied, her own voice hoarse with emotion. “But you should have told me. You should have told all of us. I feel partially responsible for all of this.”

“You’re not at fault Sasha,” he assured her. She met his eyes and saw the anguish in them. She wanted to hold him but knew they didn’t have the time. “This is on me. And I will have to make it right.”

She knew that meant getting everyone out and back home. Without her. And even though she had known it was coming, somehow it still felt like a physical blow to lose him. She looked away, not wanting him to see just how upset that made her.

“Come on,” she said, “Laura is probably halfway to the hotel by now.”


	45. Chapter 45

Remington and Marissa were silent as the van lurched this way and that. The men who had shoved them into the vehicle had not spoken either. He couldn’t be sure about Marissa, but he was afraid if he spoke, it would prompt more violence.

He knew it was pointless to attempt to fight them off when they had cornered the two of them outside the big top. He knew the second he saw just how outnumbered he was. And yet, he tried. He fought like a caged lion. He knew that being captured would not just potentially end his life, but Marissa’s as well. He couldn’t just let them take them.

And now he sat in a dark van with a splitting headache, Remington found himself pondering their options, searching desperately for some way out – some method of escape.

It didn’t take long for the van to reach its destination – wherever that was. He could hear as the door swung open and a cloth bag was shoved unceremoniously over his head. A soft yelp to his right told him they had done the same to Marissa.

“Don’t fight them,” he whispered to her under his breath as a man grabbed his arm and yanked him out of the van. They were shoved forward and Remington obeyed, trying to desperately to use any clues that made themselves available to his senses in case they were of use later on. He counted the amount of steps they took and how many turns they made. He heard a door open and knew they had stepped inside a building. They were led in a straight line for a few moments until eventually they stopped.

A lout metallic creak sounded – a door opening and he and Marissa were pushed into a cold concrete room. Steele stumbled forward and blinked as the bag was removed from his head. His eyes fought to adjust to the darkness of what was clearly a prison cell.

The door shut behind them with a boom that echoed throughout the building. He turned and watched as one of the men whom he had fought with smirk at the two of them.

“What do you want with us?” He managed to ask, though his own voice sounded foreign to his ears.

“Depends on how much you know” the man replied, through thickly accented English. “My colleagues will be with you shortly to ask you some questions. It’s in all of our best interests that you two are honest. We would hate to have to get rough.”

He gave them both a pointed look and walked away, his footsteps echoing slowly down the hall. Marissa sank down to the floor, her hands shaking and her eyes hollow.

“Where do you think we are?” She whispered after what seemed like an eternity of silence.

“With any luck, the same prison your father is in.” Remington replied in equally hushed tones. He wasn’t sure why either of them felt the need for such silence. They appeared to be alone in this particular corridor of the prison.

“This isn’t the way I wanted to get in,” Marissa said ruefully. Remington nodded, unsure of what to say to her. Inwardly he was going through all the options in his own head. If they meant to question them, that meant they clearly didn’t know everything yet. If that were true, then they were only as useful as the information they were thought to possess.

Steele knew he would die before he gave away any information that could endanger Laura. Marissa likely felt similarly in regards to her father. But neither one of them were trained to withstand KGB torture methods. Their best case scenario was that they managed to convince them that they knew nothing. They would be surely killed after that, but Laura would be safe. He was surprised at the amount of relief the thought of his own death brought him if it meant keeping Laura safe. He pushed aside any thoughts of the alternative because that would mean losing her and that was something his mind was not able to process at this time.

Should either of them break however, Laura and Marissa’s father would share their fate. Neither of those scenarios bore thinking about.

The third was one that chilled him to his very core. If Laura found out what happened to them, she would insist on mounting a rescue. The likelihood of her being captured was high. Hell, depending on what the KGB knew, they may even be held there as bait. Remington couldn’t let that happen. There had to be some way for them to escape.

“We need to get out before they came back,” he whispered urgently to Marissa. “If they question us, we might not be able to hold out.”

“You mean if they torture us,” Marissa replied flatly.

“Yes,” Remington replied after a moment’s hesitation.

“I won’t break,” she told him firmly. “If that’s what you’re worried about, I mean. I’m not the weak link here. I won’t give up my father.”

“And I won’t give up Laura,” Remington replied patiently, “but we can’t know that. Not for certain. We need to get out before then.”

“You’re worried they will come for us, aren’t you?” Marissa asked.

“I know they will,” he said with a sigh. “I know Laura. It’s only a matter of time.”

“Isn’t this what we want?” Marissa asked. “I mean weren’t we planning on doing the very same thing?”

“Not like this,” came his quiet response. “Laura was supposed to be waiting for us at the storm drain. She wasn’t supposed to be in this kind of danger.”

“From what I’ve seen, she’s more than capable of adapting,” Marissa replied gently. “I understand not wanting to put her in danger, but I think our best chance is to stay put and wait for the cavalry.”

“I’m not sure I can do that,” Remington replied. He already felt himself starting to climb out of his skin. His mind raced trying to come up with a plausible method of escape. “Do you have a hair pin? Perhaps I could pick the lock and…”

“And what?” Marissa interrupted, this time sounding slightly angry. “Say it works. Say we get out of this cell. Then what? Smart money says they have surveillance. We would have maybe a few minutes to get out before they find us. What then? Do we fight our way out? Ask real nicely?”

“I don’t know!” Steele ground out, angry at Marissa for pointing out the obvious flaws in his plan. “I don’t know what to do but we have to do something! I can’t lose her, Marissa. I…”

He trailed off, swallowing the lump that formed in his throat. He felt as if a fist was closing tightly around his heart, sucking all the air out of the room. He sat down, and quietly put his head in his hands, trying desperately to keep the nightmarish image of Laura being captured out of his mind.

He heard a quiet shuffle and then felt Marissa’s gentle hand on his shoulder.

“I don’t think we should lose hope,” she told him, her voice calm and determined. “Tony is competent and Laura is…”

“Stubborn as hell,” Steele interrupted with a short laugh. He lifted his head and looked at his cousin – a woman who was starting to finally feel like family. He sighed. “I don’t want her to risk her life to save me.”

“Why not?” Marissa asked.

He shook his head and looked away. There they were again – those feelings of inadequacy. That old, familiar impostor syndrome creeping in. He’d spent so much of his life feeling like he was only worthy if he was useful to others. He wasn’t used to this level of selflessness being directed at him, nor was he comfortable with it. Why would she risk so much for him? It didn’t make any sense.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “It doesn’t feel like a worthwhile trade.”

“Not to you, perhaps,” Marissa replied. “But it might to her. And isn’t that what love is?”

“I’m not sure I’m any kind of expert,” Steele told her.

“Me either,” Marissa said with a half smile.

Steele was about to reply to her when the sound of the door opening down the hall caused the two of them to jump slightly. They stood up and watched as two men walked purposefully towards them, a set of keys jangling in their hands.

They were large, and both carried a firearm on their waist. These men were undoubtedly coming to take them wherever they were going for questioning. That meant torture. Steele knew it was pointless to attempt to fight them. Doing so would only get themselves killed. Reaching out, he shared a look with Marissa. She seemed to realize the same thing and she squeezed his hand in reassurance.

“We just have to stay strong,” she muttered under her breath as the man opened the door to the cell and beckoned them forward.

Remington and Marissa were guided down a long corridor and then down another to their right. As they walked, the cells became more populated. One look at the people in the cells told him more than he ever wanted to know about what was in store for them.

Most of the prisoners were men, but there was the occasional woman in the cells as well. Many of them were clearly malnourished. Some were bleeding openly while others had bruises and cuts that had only recently healed. Many of them did not look him directly in the eye.

They were like caged animals and most looked to have been broken a long time ago. What sort of state would they find Marissa’s father in? They knew he was alive, but to look at these people, alive hardly seemed much of a consolation. They barely seemed aware of anything around them through the haze of torture, pain and sheer isolation.

He tried not to dwell on the images he saw as they lead the two of them into a small room with two chairs and a set of handcuffs and chains hanging from the ceiling above them. From the ceiling was a single light bulb that gave off an almost intense amount of light. In front of the chairs was a small table with a lamp aimed directly at the chairs and plugged into a small outlet in the corner.

Remington didn’t need an intimate knowledge on KGB torture methods to know that the intensity of the light was intentional and that eventually it would become painful rather than irritating.

He glanced at Marissa out of the corner of his eye and could see the naked terror on her face. No doubt the men could see it too. If they started with her, this could be over long before they had a chance to either escape or be rescued.

They were seated on the chairs, arms yanked back behind them and handcuffed. It was uncomfortable and clearly meant to be. Remington could tell that all they had to do would be to pull on the chain for their arms to be wrenched higher, making their position even more painful. Clearly that was the eventual intent.

“Which one should we start with?” The first man asked, looking directly at Marissa and clearly sizing her up.

“Doesn’t matter which one of us you start with,” Steele said, trying desperately to draw attention away from Marissa. Whether they knew each other well was irrelevant. She was family and Remington had precious little family left. He wouldn’t lose her if he could help it. “Hitting someone who can’t fight back is cowardly plain and simple. Though I don’t know what else I would have expected from you people.”

  
The man looked at him this time – really looked at him and Steele knew that he had done it. Whether consciously or subconsciously he had signalled himself out and made an enemy of the person in front of him. He just hoped he could manage to hold out long enough.


	46. Chapter 46

Laura reached the hotel room and promptly threw up in the bathroom. She had hoped they were far enough behind her, that they wouldn’t hear her emptying what little remained of her stomach into the toilet, but the sound of the door opening as she did so told her she would have no such luck. Standing, she brushed herself off, washed her face and took a brief look at herself in the mirror.

She was as white as a sheet and was surprised at the bags under her eyes. Her cheeks looked gaunt and she found herself needing to sit on the edge of the tub for a moment to regain her equilibrium.

She took a few deep breaths in an attempt to steady her nerves, and stood back up.

When she exited the bathroom, the look on both Tony and Sasha’s faces told her that any attempt she had made thus far to conceal the physical evidence of her stress had failed. She straightened her posture and lifted her chin as if defying them to tell her she needed to slow down. She couldn’t afford to be sidelined when Remington’s life hung in the balance.

“Laura…” Tony started to say. She held up a hand to silence him.

“I’m fine,” she told him firmly. “Shouldn’t you be going out to find your contact?”

“I’ll go as soon as the sun rises,” he replied. “We all need to eat, and you definitely look like you need to rest.”

“I’m not tired,” Laura insisted. She couldn’t imagine sleeping right now. She needed the adrenaline coursing through her. It was the only thing keeping her standing right now instead of completely falling apart. Sasha was still staring at her. Laura found the look on her face unnerving. It was if she had realized something that could potentially have devastating ramifications. And she was looking straight at Laura. 

Sasha stepped forward and spoke in a hesitant and halting voice. “Forgive me, but…how long have you been sick like this? We heard you throwing up in there.”

“I’m not sick,” Laura said, ignoring the growing dread in the pit of her stomach. “It’s nerves, that’s all. Just nerves.”

“I think it’s more than that,” she replied. Her voice was soft, but more confident now. “And I think you know that. Do you…could you possibly be pregnant?”

“No,” Laura said instantly and with a violent shake of her head as if to physically banish the idea entirely. Even as she did it, there was a coldness that overcame her. It made perfect sense. Too much sense. “No, not possible.”

“Are you sure?” Sasha asked her voice heavy with compassion. “When was your last period?”

“Are you a doctor now?” Laura demanded, hating how high pitched and shrill she suddenly sounded – as if she were on the edge of a panic attack. “Did you somehow manage to obtain a medical degree on your way over here?”

“No, I’m not a doctor,” Sasha said calmly, refusing to let Laura’s anger affect her. “But my Aunt was a qualified midwife and I used to follow her on her rounds when I was a kid. She used to tell me I had a natural talent for spotting early signs of pregnancy. Right now you look like so many of those women – tired, not eating, and you were sick just now. I only wondered about your last period because it might help to either rule it out or narrow down a timeline.”

She struggled to remember when her period had come last. It had been before they left…before her and Remington’s first night together, but that didn’t mean anything. How long had they been gone? She was shocked to realize she didn’t even know what day it was.

“I…” she wrapped her arms around herself in an instinctive gesture of protection. “I don’t know. What day is it? How long have we even been here?”

“It’s the 23rd,” Tony supplied. Laura looked over as if surprised to see he was even still there. She swallowed heavily and did the math quickly in her head. She should have had her period by now.

She was usually fairly regular, but that didn’t necessarily mean pregnant. She hadn’t been eating well and they had all been stressed. Any one of those things could cause her period to be delayed or skipped entirely. She knew for a fact that weight loss alone could be responsible. This wasn’t the first time she’d lost enough weight that her period hadn’t come. After her father left, she had gone through a period of depression in which she had stopped eating. Her mother and sister had gotten worried enough to threaten sending her to the hospital. When she finally started to eat solidly again, her period came back as if it had never been gone.

It couldn’t be. It wasn’t. She willed it not to be true. She looked at Sasha and felt anger flash through her entire body at the concern on the other woman’s face. How dare she? Of all the times, when they had so many other things to worry about, how dare she add this to the list so casually?

“I’m not pregnant,” she said, her voice stronger and more forceful. “Like I said, it’s just nerves, and I would appreciate it if you would mind your own business from now on.”

“I’m sorry,” Sasha said, and she sounded sincere. “I just thought…” 

“Well don’t,” Laura said, hoping they couldn’t hear how frightened she was. “I can’t be pregnant. Not now. I just…we need to focus.”

“Maybe Sasha and I should do this ourselves,” Tony suggested quietly. Laura looked at him in utter shock. “We stick to the original plan and you meet us by the storm drain.”

“No,” Laura replied, backing up as if she had been struck. Tears sprang to her eyes, unbidden and she furiously wiped them away. Tony stepped forward and Laura jerked herself away from him, refusing to make eye contact. The last thing she wanted right now was him treating her like glass. She wasn’t going to break damn it. “No, no no no no. You need me. He needs me. You said it yourself that Sasha can’t pick the lock.”

“You could teach me,” she suggested. “You could show me how and I…”

“I’m coming,” Laura insisted. “I won’t stay behind.”

“But Laura, if Sasha’s right…”

“Damn it, I’m not pregnant!” Laura burst out almost desperately. “And if I was, that’s even more reason for me to help get them out. I won’t do this alone.”

“Christ, Laura would you stop for one second and think?” Tony shot back. “What the hell do you think Steele will do to me if we get him out and lose you and a baby in the process?”   
  
“So that’s all your care about?” She spat angrily.

“It’s not all I care about,” he growled. “But it’s enough.”

“Oh, right I forgot that he appointed you my official body guard.” Her voice was heavy with sarcasm. “Don’t worry, you’re relieved of your duties. I’m a big girl after all.” 

“Damn it, that’s not the only reason and you know it!” Tony yelled back. Sasha placed a hand on his arm and Tony shook it off angrily. “Yeah, Steele came to me and asked me to watch after you, but I would have done it anyway. I would have come with you no matter what. Don’t you get that by now? I don’t have a lot of friends, and while you may hate me right now, I don’t want to be responsible for your death or the death of an unborn child. Nor do I want to explain to Steele why I let it happen on my watch.”

“I’ll explain it to him,” Laura said defiantly. “When we get him out.”

Tony swore viciously under his breath and slammed his hand into the wall causing Laura and Sasha to jump.

“Why don’t we all just take a breath?” Sasha suggested quietly.

“I think should focus on the plan,” Laura insisted, refusing to back down. She would not be left behind. She would not entrust Remington’s life and their future to Tony unless she was right there every step of the way.

“You know stubbornness is a very unattractive quality in a woman,” Tony muttered.

“And chauvinism is a very unattractive quality in a man,” she countered. “Ten minutes ago I was necessary for this to succeed. Now all of a sudden, I’m not. Why?”

“Because you might be pregnant,” Tony replied as if speaking to a kindergartener.

“There is no way of knowing that for certain, and even if I am, it changes nothing.” Laura insisted. “You still need me. I am still capable. I can do this.”

“It changes everything,” Tony said incredulously. “It would mean you would be responsible for a life apart from your own. I have a bit of experience in that department and trust me, it’s not a burden you want. Especially if you fail.”

“This isn’t the same,” Laura replied, her voice softening for the first time at Tony’s reference to Kathleen. “If something happens to both of you and you can’t get Remington out. If you’re captured or….killed…”

Her voice faltered on that last word which surprised her.

“If that happens, then I have to try to get back on my own. You pointed out once before that since I don’t speak the language, I am unlikely to get very far. In order for this to work…in order for us to get home, you need my help.”

Sasha spoke for the first time.

“I think she’s right, Tony,” she said.

“But if you’re….”

“ _If_ I am pregnant,” Laura said firmly, “then getting him out and getting us home is the only sure way to protect the baby. Don’t you understand? I have to do something. I have to know that I have some control over my fate. I can’t just…”

She turned away and let out a quiet sob as the sheer enormity of the situation overwhelmed her. She hated the fact that her anger had given way to pleading, but as she looked back at Tony and Sasha she realized she would say anything – do anything she could in order to get Remington back safely to her.

“Please,” she whispered. “If you truly consider yourself a friend.”

“Fine,” was Tony’s grudging reply. “But under one condition. You eat something and sleep. I will not take anyone into this exhausted and starving.”

“Agreed,” Laura said softly. She was suddenly much more aware of the possibility that her own health potentially reflected on something far smaller and more vulnerable than herself. She’d never really known if she had wanted children before. What had seemed obvious and inevitable for other women was always a question mark hanging above her head.

And she didn’t know how she felt about the possibility that that question may have already been answered. Still, if it had, she knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that she would protect that child to her last breath. Whether that was tomorrow night or decades down the road. And Remington would too. He would love her and any baby of his creation openly, fiercely and without hesitation. And maybe that was the only answer she needed for now.

“We’ll reconvene tomorrow morning,” Tony said with a short nod.


	47. Chapter 47

The sound of sobbing brought Remington back to consciousness. Pain assaulted every single part of his body as he felt his eyes flutter open and shut again as the intensity of the light became too much.

Everything ached and he struggled to remember where he was or who was crying. A heavily accented voice spoke from somewhere in the room. Remington struggled to process what the man was saying, but the voice sounded muffled as if he – or it – were under water.

Seconds that felt like hours passed as he struggled to get a handle on his surroundings. Though he was sitting, his hands were bound behind him and wrenched into the air at an angle that he was only now starting to feel to the fullest extent.

His body throbbed at different points, and he realized he could taste blood on his lip.

His fought to open his eyes again and squinted at the light once more. The room was fuzzy and he found himself unable to open his left eye as it seemed to be swollen shut.

His head pounded and he could feel his heart racing.

“Is he awake?” It was the voice again, only this time he could make out what the man was saying. The sobbing continued, unabated.

“What…” he struggled to form words. It felt like his mouth was full of cotton and he kept swallowing blood that seemed to be dripping down his face and into his mouth. His mind flashed back to a case he and Laura had worked on years ago where he had been interrogated by a kleptomaniac.

While not nearly as brutal, he had been beaten almost unconscious then too and had begun to hallucinate Laura’s face. It wasn’t until afterwards that he had realized just how deeply he cared for Laura – that in a time of such extreme pain, he would conjure up her image to get him through it.

He tried to do so now, but his mind refused to obey. Perhaps it was because the situation he was in was so completely at odds for the safety and comfort that he always associated with Laura. Perhaps he was just simply too afraid that even thinking about her might endanger her. Whatever it was, he couldn’t see her face – not even in the most private corners of his mind and that terrified him.

Two arms grabbed him and started to shake him causing him feel extremely nauseous. He fought to maintain control of his stomach which felt as if someone had been using it for a punching bag for who knew how long. Maybe that’s exactly what had happened.

“Wake up!” The voice barked, “we’re not done with you yet.”

The images cleared and through a haze of blood he was able to make out the room and the two figures in front of him.

To the right, Marissa sat in the same position he was in though thankfully relatively untouched for now.

Memories filtered back in one by one. Their mission. Their capture. The torture. All at once he knew exactly where he was, and what was happening to him. He also knew that if they were going to this much trouble to wake him back up, he hadn’t told them anything of value yet.

That was good. The fact that Marissa had been subjected to nothing more than a visual of his own beating told him that he had been successful in keeping her safe for now. They had potentially assumed that in forcing her to watch, she might break and tell them what they wanted to know in order to get them to stop.

Though every single atom in his body screamed for relief he was glad she hadn’t given anything away. Her silence meant Laura’s safety and that was worth more than his own life any day of the week.

“There he is,” the other man said with a sadistic smile. “Welcome back, sunshine. Ready for round two?”

“My apologies gentleman,” Remington replied, knowing that as long as he kept them angry they wouldn’t pay as much attention to Marissa. “This so-called torture session became so tedious I thought I would have a short nap.”

He was rewarded for that comment with a punch to the gut. He groaned as he felt the impact and nearly choked on the blood that still trickled into his mouth and onto the floor. The comment had had the intended affect though. Both men were glaring at him, and had all but forgotten about Marissa.

He was fairly sure they wouldn’t kill him until they were certain they had extracted whatever knowledge they could. He wasn’t eager for them to inflict more pain on him, but he had a feeling that watching them to do to Marissa would be something much more difficult. He needed to keep their attention for both their sakes.

“Is that the best you can do?” He ground out.

“You have a smart mouth for a man tied to a chair,” the main closest to Marissa said to him. “A smarter man would tell us what we need to know.”

  
“And then what?” Steele shot back. “You kill me?”

“You don’t tell us what we want to know and you’ll wish you were dead,” the one closest to him threatened. Steele forced himself to laugh, earning him another blow to the face.

He bit down hard on his cheek and had to spit out the blood that quickly welled up inside his mouth.

“Forgive me fellows, but don’t you think the second rate Bond villain act is a bit played out?” He mocked.

He flinched as the man in front of him raised his hand to hit him again. To his surprise, the man beside him grabbed his fist and stopped the blow from landing.

“You knock him out again and this will only take longer,” his associate warned him. “That’s what he wants.”

“This is taking far too long,” the first man growled. “We’ve been here all night and I’m starving. I think they know nothing. I say we kill them now.”

“We can’t risk it,” the second man said. “If more are involved, we need names.”

“Then we question the woman,” the first man replied. “I have a feeling he might talk then.”

“Yes,” the second man agreed and he heard Marissa’s sobs grow louder. “But that could take hours as well. We throw them back in the cell, get something to eat and start with her tomorrow.”

The other man must have agreed, because the two men silently uncuffed them. Though Remington’s legs were weak and rubbery he forced himself to stumble back to his cell. If he fell or was unable to walk, the men might just decide that they could get as much if not more out of Marissa and kill him anyway. He needed to stay upright and keep his wits about him.

Once inside their cell, he sank to the ground and allowed a wave of dizziness to overcome him. Marissa was by his side immediately. Though he could hear her speaking, he couldn’t make out the words.

Cold, paralyzing terror had gripped him. Tomorrow they would come back for them and if they tortured Marissa the way they had tortured him, he wasn’t sure he would be able to hold out. Would he be forced to choose between his own flesh and blood and the woman he loved more than anything in the world? Could he watch her die in front of him to save Laura’s life?

Both options were unthinkable and he found himself curling into the fetal position on the concrete floor, shaking with fear.


	48. Chapter 48

Laura slept fitfully that night, her dreams filled with horrific images – all of them involving Remington and what might be happening to him. She woke just as the sun rose and Tony returned to the hotel room.

She watched as he crossed the room to the bed where Sasha slept and gently nudged her awake. She sat up, rubbing her eyes sleepily and Tony wordlessly handed her a sandwich.

“Are we ready?” Laura asked, as Tony made his way over to her, handing her a sandwich as well. She took a bite and fought the urge to spit it back out again. The sandwich itself was almost tasteless but her stomach tried to reject it nevertheless.

“Yes,” Tony replied. A thrill of fear shot through Laura as she tried to read his expression. He was clearly practised in hiding what he was thinking and feeling. It should have been reassuring, but something about that fact made Laura nervous. What had he been doing all night?

“Alright,” Laura said, forcing the rest of her sandwich down. She stood up, and quickly pulled her hair into a tight ponytail. The cleaning uniforms had been laid out on the desk the night before. Laura, having slept in her clothing, grabbed one of them and quickly pulled it on over her clothes. Sasha followed suit.

Tony ducked into the bathroom, emerging moments later in the third uniform. The three of them moved quietly – almost mechanically as they readied themselves for what lay ahead. Laura was the last of them to use the bathroom. As she washed her face she winced at the image in front of her. Her face remained pale – almost luminescent. There were bags under her eyes and she fought to keep her hands from shaking.

She took a deep breath, reminding herself that she needed to be strong, not for herself, but for Remington and Marissa who were undoubtedly counting on the three of them to get them out.

As she left the bathroom, Tony shot her an inquiring look which she returned, signalling that she was ready.

They walked quickly and silently, winding their way through back alleys and side streets. Eventually they found themselves looking around a wall at the doors of the prison. The sun was just starting to rise over the horizon.

“Listen quickly, because we don’t have much time,” Tony said, his voice brusque. He handed each of them an ID badge with a false name on it. “We go in together. We swipe our badges and split up. One of my contacts has managed to hack their security cameras. Once we swipe our badges the security cameras should deactivate. We will only have approximately fifteen minutes to find who we are looking for, and get them to the storm drain.”

“What do we do if we encounter guards?” Sasha wondered.

The look Tony sent Sasha chilled Laura to the bone. He looked at Laura and handed her a handgun. Laura took it, trying not to grimace as she did so.

“Only use this if absolutely necessary,” he instructed. “There’s no silencer, so the moment you do, others will hear it. This will only buy you time.”

Laura nodded and hid the gun inside her uniform. She knew that Tony had handed it to her, rather than Sasha because her line of work made her more likely to know how to use it but that didn’t’ mean she had to like it. Though the agency had a gun, Laura had almost never used it and the few times it had been used had never been at point blank range.

If she was forced to use the gun, it would be to kill someone. There would be no way around it. She knew that Tony was counting on her being able to do that. Remington and Marissa’s life would depend on it. Using that thought to spur her on, Laura took a deep breath and shot a look at Sasha that she hoped was encouraging.

“We will meet at the storm drain,” Tony continued. He handed a piece of paper to both Laura and Sasha with a street name and number on it. “If all goes according to plan, we should be in and out in twenty minutes. Whoever gets to the storm drain first should wait there no longer than ten minutes. If the other parties don’t show, we head to this address. It’s the safe house that has been arranged for us. There’s a very good chance that we may have injured parties that need to rest and recover before we can make the attempt home. We should be safe here for a few days. Are there any other questions?”

“What about metal detectors?” Sasha wondered. “Surely they’ll find the gun the moment we walk through them.”

“That’s been taken care of,” Tony replied vaguely. Laura guessed that meant his contacts had managed to either hack that system as well or placed one of their own at the door. She knew she should feel relieved, but somehow the presence of the gun was more terrifying than it was comforting.   
  
“Remember,” Tony continued, looking straight at Laura. “You let Sasha do all the talking. Look like you understand them but say nothing.”

“I understand,” Laura replied. Tony gave a short nod and shot a meaningful look at Sasha as he spoke.   
  
“Good luck,” he said, and Laura knew he wasn’t speaking to her.

With nothing more said, the three of them strode quickly towards the building.


	49. Chapter 49

Laura’s heart hammered so loudly she was certain the guards would hear it as the three of them walked through the doors of the prison. One of the guards spoke and Sasha handed over her ID badge to be swiped. Laura did the same, trying not to look as terrified as she felt.

Tony was already through security and had done his best to make it look as if he barely even knew the two of them. Laura knew it was imperative that they seem as innocuous as possible.

Once through the initial doors, the two women followed Tony as he rounded one corner, then another. So far, there weren’t many guards walking about, and the ones they did see, barely even looked at them. Their presence as low wage labourers rendered them nearly invisible.

Laura snuck a glance at the cameras out of the corner of her eye, waiting for the solid red light to change. That was the signal for her and Sasha to go their separate ways, get Marissa’s father and attempt to make their way to the rendezvous point.

As they turned another corner, seconds felt like hours until she finally saw the red light blink and then shut off on the camera at the very end of the hall. He heart seemed to stop as Tony turned and looked at the two women for the first time.

“This is it,” he said. “We don’t have much time. Get Peters, and get to the storm drain. I’ll see you on the other side.”

Without waiting for a reply he turned and began to walk in the opposite direction. Sasha started to obey his instructions, but Laura raced after Tony, grabbing his elbow so that he turned to face her.

“Get him out,” she said softly, but with a ferocity that surprised her. “Please. I can’t lose him. I’m trusting you.”

“I know the feeling,” Tony replied, his voice gruff with emotion. He wasn’t looking at Laura, but rather past her at Sasha who had turned to wait for her. “Keep her safe.”

Laura nodded, not trusting herself to speak and hurried after Sasha.

They moved quickly, but carefully so as not to arouse suspicion. As they moved further and further into the bowels of the prison, they saw fewer and fewer guards – something which Laura was grateful for. Perhaps if Peters really had been tossed down there and left to rot, it meant there wasn’t much oversight. That would be beneficial to the two of them. She preyed Tony would be equally as lucky.

They descended a stone staircase that was so narrow it almost made Laura feel claustrophobic until they reached the basement. The air was damp and musty. Laura almost coughed aloud and wondered how anyone could survive in a place like this, which was surely covered in mould.

There were only three cells. Two were occupied, but one of the occupants was sound asleep curled up on the cement floor – no mattress in sight.

The other was an older gentleman with a shock of white hair. He sat in the corner of the cell, arms wrapped around his knees and staring vacantly at the wall. Laura was surprised to note he hadn’t even noticed they were there.

Laura looked closer at the sleeping man in the other cell. He was young – early thirties, with sandy blonde hair. By process of elimination that had to mean the other man was Robert Peters. Unless of course their information had been incorrect and Peters had been moved, or had died. She desperately hoped not as Sasha shot her an inquiring look.

“Mr. Peters?” Laura whispered softly, trying to avoid waking the other man in the opposite cell. “Robert Peters?”   
  


The white haired man turned and looked at them as if he had just seen a ghost. After all this time, it must have seemed that way to hear someone speaking English to him with an American accent.

“I don’t know a Peters,” he replied guardedly. Laura would not be deterred. If the man had been tortured, it was likely that he suspected this to be a trap.

“Mr. Peters, please we don’t have much time,” she urged him. “We are friends of your daughter Marissa…”

His head snapped up, giving Laura the confirmation she needed. This was indeed the man they were looking for. She gestured to Sasha who pulled a pin from her hair and handed it to Laura who began to work on the lock quickly and efficiently.

“Marissa?” Robert whispered, his eyes wide with shock. She wondered how long it had been since he had last said his daughter’s name out loud.

“She’s here,” Laura confirmed as she felt the lock to the cell door give way. “Along with your nephew.” They pushed it open quietly, still aware that the slightest wrong move could wake the other man in the cell and potentially bring the guards down on them.

“My nephew?” Robert echoed, his eyes wide with disbelief. “How…?”

“We will explain everything after we get out of here,” Sasha said, speaking for the first time and offering an arm to the man on the floor. Robert Peters took it and Laura could see it took him visible effort to stand.

When he did, she noticed how thin and frail he was. He seemed unsure of his own footing, as if he hadn’t walked in weeks. He was definitely malnourished, causing Laura to wonder how much longer he would have survived being left to languish here.

  
She offered him her arm as well and the two women helped him hobble out of the cell, moving as fast as their feeble cargo would allow them to.

Sasha led the way further down the hall and Laura stole one last glance at the cell with the sleeping man, wondering if she should feel guilty for leaving him there. She had no idea who he was, or what he had done, but she was fairly sure that very few people imprisoned here deserved to be here.

Still, he wasn’t their mission and they couldn’t risk the unknown. It would be difficult enough to get Peters out even with the two of them helping him walk.

They turned a corner and came to a solid wall. It seemed like the end of the line, causing Laura to wonder if they had made a wrong turn somewhere.

“Don’t worry,” Sasha said, “it’s here.”

She watched as Sasha felt down the wall until her hand rested on a brick that appeared slightly looser than the others. Pushing on it, it slid inward, causing the wall to open and a staircase to be revealed behind it. Laura gasped. This was exactly like something out of Mr. Steele’s movies.

Before they could say or do anything, a commotion could be heard in the distance. It sounded like a door being thrown open, followed by a scuffle and then, the sickening, unmistakable sound of gun shots rang out behind them.

Laura turned as if intending to run towards the sound, but Sasha put her hand out and stopped her.

“We have to go,” she said urgently.

“That could be Tony,” Laura replied, her voice panicked. “He and Mr. Steele could be…I have to….”

“Tony can handle himself,” Sasha assured her and Laura could tell by the look in her eyes that it had taken every single ounce of effort for the other woman to say that. She obviously wanted to run back there just as much as Laura did. Something about that knowledge was comforting even as every cell in her body told her to go find Remington and get him out.

  
“Laura!” Sasha said, a little louder and a little more forcefully. She snapped back to reality and realized her grip on Robert had slipped and the older man was fighting to stay upright. “We are the only chance he’s got. And you….you might have more to protect than just yourself. We need to _go now._ ”

The vague mention of the potential life growing inside of her was all she needed. Clamping down on the instinct to run to Remington’s rescue and her own potential doom, she threw Robert Peters’ arm around her shoulder and nodded grimly at Sasha.

That Tony might be Remington’s only hope now, was a terrifying thought as they heard the secret door close behind them and descended into the tunnels. But Sasha had been right. Robert Peters was too frail to make it out of his prison without them. That alone should have been reason enough to keep going and not look back.

But the possibility of the life growing inside her reminded Laura with every step she took that if Remington didn’t get out of this, something of him would survive and that was the only thing that kept her from letting go of Peters and racing back to try to save him.

She had to hope that Tony would keep his word and get him out. She could see the storm drain in the distance and Laura knew they were almost home free. They couldn’t hear any other sounds now and she wasn’t sure whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Did it mean Tony and Remington had gotten past whoever was chasing them? Had anyone been hit by the gunfire? Was Remington somewhere, lying on that cold cement floor bleeding out as they got closer and closer to freedom?

Laura nearly stumbled as that last image hit her full force. She caught herself before she dropped Robert to the floor and cursed herself for allowing her thoughts to get the better of her.

As they reached the storm drain, Laura noticed that it was already open. Sasha and Tony must have made sure of that when they had come down to investigate. They leaned Robert against the wall and she watched him slide ot the floor like a rag doll as Sasha pushed the drain open.

“What do we do now?” Sasha asked as they helped Marissa’s father through the drain and out into the open night air. “The car is around the corner. Tony said to wait, but…”

She didn’t say anymore, but Laura knew what she was thinking. They had no way of knowing what had happened to cause the sound of gunfire or who had been injured – if anyone at all. But if Tony and Remington were being pursued at all, it wouldn’t take long for the guards to reach the storm drain.

Once again, Laura fought the urge to turn around and go back for him.

“We don’t wait,” she told Sasha.

“But…” Sasha protested.

Laura let the palm of her hand touch her stomach gently as if looking inwardly for answers.

“If they are being chased, it’s only a matter of time before they get here. Then we’re all caught. We need to get him to the safe house. How far away is it?”

Sasha reached into her pocket and pulled out the piece of paper with the address on it.

“Only a few blocks from here,” she told Laura. Laura could see the other woman was shaking and realized that the shock and adrenaline was going to hit her any moment now. When it did, she might not be of any use to either of them. They needed to keep moving.

“Please tell me Marissa isn’t with them,” Robert Peters pleaded quietly. It seemed to take all his energy to speak. Laura closed her eyes, wishing she could give him the answer he wanted, but knowing that she had to be honest.

“She’s there, but a friend of ours is helping them. We have to trust that he will get them out.”

“This friend…” Robert pressed. “Is he like me? Special forces?”

“Yes,” Sasha replied. Robert seemed to give the matter some thought and then come to the same conclusion Laura had. He communicated that decision to her with a look.

“Then we walk,” Laura decided, hoping that she wasn’t sealing Remington’s fate by leaving him there with Tony. “Leave the car where it is. If they…when they make it here, they can drive and meet us at the safe house.”

“But…”

“Let’s go,” Laura said firmly. “We might not have much time.” 


	50. Chapter 50

Tony made the decision as the moment he entered the building not to look for Steele and Marissa in a cell. He understood better than most how these sorts of prisons operated, and felt his best chance of finding them was to locate the rooms they used to interrogate their prisoners.

It was a risky assumption, as those rooms were on the opposite end of the prison. If he was wrong, and they were indeed in their cells, then he would have wasted valuable time that was potentially crucial to getting them out.

If he was right, then the likelihood of getting them out was decent. If he were wrong then they would most certainly die in here along with Tony himself. Strangely, the thought of dying in a KGB prison was almost preferable to having to tell Laura that he failed to save Steele.

Somehow it mattered to him that he not fail. Not just for Laura, but for Steele and Marissa. He wasn’t sure when that happened, but in addition to his feelings for Sasha, he found himself genuinely valuing Laura, Steele and Marissa as friends – something that he couldn’t remember ever having before.

It was the reason he found himself racing through the corridors of the prison, doing his best to look unassuming so that he not be noticed by anyone who might ask questions.

Eventually he came to a hallway with two doors marked ‘interrogation’. Choosing the wrong door would clearly mean drawing the wrong sort of attention to himself. He would have to choose one and he had very little time to do it.

He closed his eyes, said a quick ‘eeny meeny miney mo’, and pointed towards the door on his right. He took a deep breath and felt in his pocket for the gun. Should there be anyone inside the room other than Steele and Marissa, her would be forced to kill them and likely draw exactly the sort of attention they wished to avoid. Still, there was no other way around it. Tony was not adverse to killing if the situation called for it, though he preferred other methods.

Heart hammering in his ears, he checked to see if the door was locked and was relieved to find it wasn’t. He opened it slowly and cautiously, lest there be someone on the other side who may be considered less than friendly.

Tony was relieved upon seeing the room was empty apart from Marissa and Steele who were seated in two chairs with their hands cuffed behind them. His relief was immediately replaced with fear as he noted the physical state of Steele.

With the exception of looking as if she hadn’t slept since they were taken, Marissa looked unharmed. Steele, on the other hand was barely conscious.

His face looked to be one solid bruise with one of his eyes so swollen Tony doubted his ability to see through it. Blood dripped from a deep wound above the eye and the glassy gaze caused Tony to wonder if he was even aware of what was happening around him. Whoever had worked him over had done a hell of a job.

“Tony?” Marissa said hopefully as she took in his face and outfit. “How did you know we were here?”

“It’s me,” he confirmed as he rushed to her side and proceeded to pick the lock on her handcuffs. “I took a guess. We need to hurry before they come back.”

“Good guess,” Marissa replied gratefully. “Did you find my father?”

“Laura and Sasha are on it,” he replied as he went to work on Steele’s handcuffs. “Steele, you with me?”

“He’s been hurt pretty badly,” Marissa offered up. “They worked him over pretty badly last night and grabbed us from our cell for a repeat performance. I don’t know how much longer he could last.”

“Can you hear me, Steele?” He asked again.

  
Remington groaned and his head lolled dangerously to the side as he was freed from the handcuffs. He slumped forward slightly and Marissa made her way to his side and propped him up.

“Laura…” he groaned. “Is she…”

“She’s getting Marissa’s father out,” Tony repeated. “She’ll meet us in the storm drain but we have to go now. Can you walk?”

“I…” Steele heaved his body with a mighty burst of energy. “Can try…”

Marissa took his arm and placed it around her shoulders. Tony did the same and together they helped Steele to his feet. He was wobbly, but surprisingly solid.

Tony took the initiative and they made their way out the door with as much speed as Steele could muster. Their luck held for the most part as they turned corners and made their way through corridors until they reached the staircase leading to the basement.

Despite his efforts, Tony noticed Steele quickly running out of steam, slowing their progress to the point where he and Marissa were almost dragging him. He was opening and closing his eyes, clearly attempting to remain conscious. Tony suddenly had a newfound respect for Steele. He knew there were agents that would not be able to do what Steele was managing based on the level of injury he had suffered. That he was fighting so hard to remain conscious and keep moving was a testament to just how badly he wanted to get back to Laura.

“I can’t hold him much longer,” Marissa groaned. Tony noticed that she was indeed beginning to falter under Steele’s increasingly dead weight. Tony attempted to shift some of that weight onto himself causing all three of them to stumble.

The sound of that stumble reverberated throughout the corridor they found themselves in. Within seconds of the sound, Tony could hear shouts coming from farther down the corridor. It wouldn’t be long now before they would caught. They had to move fast.

Marissa sensed their predicament as well. She shot Tony a look of pure terror.

“We’re not going to make it, are we?”

“Not if we can’t speed him up somehow,” Tony admitted. He shook Steele slightly and watched as the man’s eyes opened for a few seconds, then closed again. “Come on Steele, don’t do this. Not now. We’re so close.”

The shouts were getting closer. He shook Steele a bit harder and watched as Steele forced his eyes open.

“Laura…”

“Is expecting us,” Tony finished for him. “But we aren’t going to be able to get to her if you don’t get moving. I know you’re injured, but I need you to try to focus.”

And he was trying. Tony could tell that he was trying with everything he had. He attempted to lurch forward causing Tony to almost drop him. He wasn’t sure what he could say or do that could get him moving faster.   
  
He and Marissa continued moving but Tony knew it was only a matter of time before the guards caught them. With his other arm, he reached in and touched the gun as if trying to reassure himself it was there. Using it would buy them time, but it wouldn’t get them out. Only Steele could do that.

“Leave…” Steele was attempting to mutter. “Leave me.”

“No,” Tony said with a shake of his head. In another universe he would have already considered the possibility – would have weighed the pros and cons of his own life vs. the life of the man in front of him. He likely would have judged his own life to be more worthy and left Steele there to fend for himself.

But that was a very different Anthony Roselli. It was the Anthony Roselli who had been perfectly willing to sell out anyone he had to in order to clear his name. It was the man who had lived for nobody apart from himself after he’d lost the only thing that had ever mattered to him.

But that man was gone. Laura, Steele, Marissa and Sasha. Each of them had helped to slowly resurrect the person he’d been before from the wreckage and he knew now he couldn’t go back. He had made a promise to Laura to get him out. And knowing there was a possibility that she was carrying his child made it all the more important to Tony to make sure Steele was alive to meet it.

“We’re not going anywhere without you,” Marissa said firmly, echoing Tony’s own thoughts. “Family doesn’t leave each other behind.”

“Laura needs you Steele,” Tony added, an idea striking him. Before he could decide whether it was a good one or not, he kept talking. “There’s a chance she might be pregnant. You can’t leave her now. And if I leave you here, she’ll kill me before the guards get the chance.”

“She…” Steele blinked as his mind fought to process the information Tony had just given him. He knew he would regret it. It wasn’t his news to give and Laura would be furious – especially if she turned out not to be pregnant at all.

But he would gladly deal with her anger and Steele’s disappointment if it meant getting them all out alive.

He watched as Steele opened his eyes, seeming lucid for the first time since they had left the room.

“Are you sure?” He asked.   
  
“No,” Tony admitted. “But Sasha thinks so. And I assume you wouldn’t want your child growing up without a father. The guards are coming and that’s exactly what will happen if we don’t get out now.”

He didn’t need to say much else. Steele gave a growl of frustration and together the three of them continued down the staircase and towards the area where Tony knew the secret entrance to the tunnels was located.

A sound coming from up ahead alerted him to the presence of others. Could it be Laura, Sasha and Robert Peters? He had no time to check as a guard suddenly caught up behind them.

Tony whirled around, grabbed his gun and shot at the man behind him. A shot rang out from the guard as well and Tony stumbled to the floor taking Steele and Marissa down with him.

A sharp searing pain overtook him and the cement floor began to turn crimson with blood. He shot back again once more and saw the man behind him drop. When he didn’t get back up, he took stock of his own wound.

  
Though it was deep, it appeared to go through his calf cleanly. He was bleeding badly, but if they could just get out, he could dress it, apply a tourniquet and buy himself some time. Getting out was key.

He took one quick look back to make sure the man he shot was still down. Then, he turned to Steele who, mercifully looked more alert than ever.

“We’re gonna need to help each other now, Steele,” he told the other man. “It’s the only way we’re going to make it out.”

The look in Remington’s eyes told Tony he understood perfectly. For the first time, he not only saw real trust from the other man, but genuine respect as well. Remington nodded and offered his arm to Tony. Tony braced himself against the wall and Marissa helped both men to make it to their feet.

“Where are the tunnels?” Remington asked as soon as they were up and hobbling fast.

“This way,” Tony replied as they got closer to the spot with the hidden entrance. He could hear more guards coming. A silent look between him and Steele said ‘pick up the pace’. They did, racing against time and hoping like hell the guards wouldn’t know where to look to find them.

Marissa searched for, and quickly located the brick in the wall that opened the secret entrance. Tony and Remington helped each other down the stairs while Marissa made sure the door shut behind them. There were a few extremely tense moments where the three of them could hear guards gathering and clamouring behind the wall, clearly baffled as to where Tony and Marissa could have gone.

They would have clearly spotted the trail of blood to the wall with the brick. Whether they would put two and two together was anybody’s guess. One thing was certain – they had no time to lose.

“Come on, Antony,” Steele grunted as he forced himself to go faster. “I’ll….r…r…race you.”

“You’re on, Steele,” Tony shot back with a grim smile. In another world he could see himself having a drink with Steele in a pub and playing a competitive game of darts. Beside him, he could almost hear Marissa roll her eyes.

“Men!” She exclaimed, “always a competition. Freud would have something to say about that you know.”

“Freud never had to escape the KGB in an underground prison tunnel,” Tony shot back.

“I think I see the storm drain!” Steele interrupted, pointing ahead. Tony saw it too.

Using one final burst of energy, the two men doubled their efforts. Tony’s leg was bleeding more freely than he would like and the searing pain was almost unbearable but they could see the way out. They were almost there.

It had been left open for them, but Laura, Sasha and Robert Peters were nowhere to be seen. Tony watched as Remington looked around frantically for them.

“Where are they?” He asked, his voice bordering on desperate panic. “You said they would be here, Antony!”

“They should have been,” Tony replied, equally as worried. “Maybe they heard the gun shots and got spooked.”

“If that’s true then they might already be at the safe house,” Marissa suggested. “Can you make it there?”

“Not walking,” Tony said, shoulders slumping in defeat. “I’m losing too much blood already and Steele’s about to pass out.”

“The…the car,” Steele murmured. He was in fact slipping back in and out of consciousness. “Car…there?”

He was referring to the car that he and Sasha had stashed nearby to help them all escape.

“Do you think it would still be there?” Marissa asked him, eyes wide with hope. “Sasha, Laura and my father might have….”

“We have to check,” Tony interrupted. “I don’t think Steele or I can make it so you need to go without us. If the car is there, bring it back and get us.”

“And if it’s not?” Marissa asked. Tony looked over at Steele and a silent agreement seemed to pass between the two men. Tony nodded and looked back at Marissa.

“Then you go to the safe house and get Laura and your father home.”

“But…”

“He’s right, Marissa,” Steele said quietly. He had slumped down against the inside of the drain as if completely deflated. “Get them home. Keep her safe.”


	51. Chapter 51

The first thing Laura and Sasha did when they reached the safe house was help Robert Peters to the bedroom and help him lay down. The look on his face as he did so suggested that it had been at least 5 years since he had felt a soft mattress underneath him. He didn’t last very long on the bed, choosing instead to curl up on the floor.

It looked like any other house from the inside – small and unassuming. Inside, there were three bedrooms, a kitchenette and a locked room that neither Laura nor Sasha could get into.

Sasha went and searched the kitchenette. They were both surprised to see it was fully stocked. She got him some water and they watched as he was able to take in a bit of food as well. She knew that he was weak – weaker than they had realized. She had no idea how often food or water was delivered to him in the prison, but she guessed it wasn’t very frequently.

Eventually, Peters drifted off to sleep and Laura began to pace impatiently as they waited for Tony, Marissa and Remington.

Every instinct inside her told her to go back, to check and see if they made it out, but Laura knew that would only endanger them further.

“Why don’t you lie down as well?” Sasha suggested. She had been watching Laura pace back and forth. Laura had no idea how much time had passed since they arrived at the safe house. She was exhausted down to her bones and every ounce of her concentration was fighting the urge to rest.

But she wouldn’t do so until she knew one way or another the fate of the others.

“I can’t,” she told Sasha as if that much should be obvious. “We need to be ready for when they get here.”

“What if they don’t?” Sasha questioned softly. She obviously knew this was a delicate conversation and that any talk of Remington, Tony and Marissa not getting out would not go over well. “How long….how long do we wait?”

“As long as it takes,” Laura replied, already frustrated and angry. She waved her hand expressively. “Forever if we have to. I’m not leaving here without him.”

“You might not have a choice,” Sasha said with a pointed look. As if on cue, Laura felt the nausea she had been holding down swell up and she fought to keep her stomach from rebelling.

“I can’t…” she shook her head as if to banish the reality from her mind. “I can’t think about that. I can’t worry about that. Not until I know…”

She turned away, not wanting Sasha to see the tears in her eyes as she contemplated what life might be like raising Remington’s child without him. She couldn’t do it. She wouldn’t. It wasn’t right. For him to grow up without a father and then his child to do the same? Surely the universe couldn’t be so cruel.

“I understand,” Sasha replied appearing to know when to back off. “But as soon as Peters is ready to travel we need to make some hard choices. If they aren’t back by then…”

The sound of the door being unlocked interrupted Sasha that caused both of them to freeze in place. The door opened and Marissa entered. She spoke before Laura and Sasha could say anything.

“I need your help. Tony and Remington are in the car. They’re hurt pretty badly.”

She didn’t need to say any more. Laura and Sasha followed her outside and a little ways down the street.

“I didn’t want to park it right outside,” Marissa was saying, “just in case. But I don’t think they can make it to the house on their own.”

Laura opened the door to the back seat of the car and gasped out loud as she took in Remington’s horrifically bruised and battered condition. She fought to keep from throwing up as she reached in and attempted to pull him from the car while Sasha helped Tony out from the other side.

“Remington?” Laura said as she took his face gently in her hands. His eyes opened and shut several times, but she was unsure whether he actually saw her. “Rem? I’m here, please open your eyes. We need to get you inside.”

“Laura?” The sound of her voice caused his good eye to open. She could tell that he was lucid enough to know she was there. His mouth twisted into a small smile.

“It’s me. We need to get your safe. I need you to help me now. You need to walk just a little bit further.”

“Don’t know…” Steele was mumbling. Laura could only make out the occasional word. “Not sure…can’t….”

“You have to,” she replied, putting on her ‘stubborn Laura Holt’ voice and hoping he registered it. “Because I am not leaving here without you and that puts us both in danger so unless you want me to get caught as well…”

She didn’t need to finish her sentence. Another short yank and he was out of the car and practically draped over her shoulders. He smelled of sweat and blood and another odour she couldn’t define. What had they done to him in there?”

Tony, Sasha and Marissa were several feet in front of them, heading back towards the safe house. They reached the door, got Tony inside and came back to help Laura with Remington. His body had become complete dead weight at this point as he lost consciousness once more.

Eventually they made it inside the safe house and found a bed for Remington. Laying him down, Laura allowed herself a silent _thank you_ to the universe that he was still alive. Injuries she could deal with. Losing him? It didn’t bear thinking about.

Looking over she finally took notice of Tony and the extent of his injuries. Marissa had lifted his pant leg, allowing Laura to see the hole in his calf. It confirmed her theory that the gun shots they had heard had involved Tony, Steele and Marissa. She was grateful they had come out on top.

“How is he?” She asked as she watched Marissa replace the makeshift tourniquet around his leg and begin to dress the wound. “And how do you know how to do that?”

“My father taught me,” Marissa said without looking up from her task. Tony was white from the loss of blood but still conscious. “I’ve dressed his wounds before as well.”

“He’s here,” Laura said knowing that Marissa probably already realized that. “In the other bedroom. He’s sleeping but he’s….I think he will be okay.”

Marissa looked up and for the first time, Laura saw a ghost of an expression cross her face. Clearly Marissa had not allowed herself to think or feel the entire time they were escaping the prison. Laura could see that she was holding everything very tightly together but at some point the dam would burst. Right now, however, she remained focused on Tony, for which Laura found herself grateful.

“Thank you,” Marissa said quietly as she returned to cleaning Tony’s wound. Once she finished, she sank down onto the floor and placed her head in her hands. Laura looked away as she sobbed quietly, her shoulders shaking violently.

Sasha was by Tony’s side with some water and a piece of bread from the kitchen.

“He’s going to be okay, Laura,” Tony told her. Laura jumped slightly, surprised to hear him speak. Marissa continued to cry softly in the corner. “He’s hurt pretty badly, but I’ve seen worse. He fought like hell to get here. He’ll make it.”

“What…” she cleared her throat, afraid that speaking would open the floodgates. “What should I do for him? Water? A cloth on his forehead?”

“All good,” Tony replied. He sighed quietly. “You’ll want to clean any open wounds. Dress them. He’s probably got a concussion so we will have to have someone watch him throughout the night. Maybe take shifts. He’s likely got some internal bruising. Men like that…they like to work the whole body. The bruising will be….extensive.”

“I can handle it,” Laura assured him with a confidence she didn’t know she possessed. “I’ll take the first watch.”

“No,” Sasha interrupted, surprisingly forcefully. “You need to rest. We are all here, and we are all safe. I will tend to Mr. Steele’s wounds and watch him. I will wake you up if his condition changes, but you _are_ going to get some rest. All of you.”

“I can’t…”

“You won’t of any use to him if you are exhausted and on the brink of passing out,” Sasha reminded her. “I won’t take no for an answer. You can take the bed in the room next to his. Tony, you take the one on my left. Marissa, you can have this couch. Now all of you, get some sleep. Now.”


	52. Chapter 52

The room was quiet – almost eerily so when Remington came to. The lack of sound was the first of his senses to really kick in. His brain was still playing catch up as he attempted to recall what had happened and figure out where he was.

It wasn’t easy as the pounding headache made it all the more difficult to think and his left eye was too swollen to open completely leaving part of his field of vision blocked. His entire body felt like one continuous and incredibly painful bruise. Spasms of pain rocked him at various points and he struggled to process it all at once.

In an attempt to distract himself from the pain, he attempted to gather evidence from his surroundings in an attempt to figure out where he was and what had happened.

He remembered being captured with Marissa and taken to the prison. He recalled the beating and the torture and part of his brain insisted that Tony fit in there somewhere, though it became fuzzy after that.

The room itself was stark and relatively unfurnished. He noticed the door to the right of the foot of the bed he appeared to be laying in, and a dresser to the left. Because of his inability to open his left eye completely he couldn’t see what lay to his immediate left, but assumed it looked relatively the same as the rest of the room.

Where was he? How did he get here? Memories were filtering back, slowly and with no apparent linear focus. Did Tony actually show up to get him and Marissa out? Something told him that part was true, as was the recollection of a strange escape attempt through the bowels of the prison and a secret doorway.

But then what? An image of Laura’s concerned and terrified face flashed through his mind. Had she helped him? Where had she brought him to? Did that mean they were all safe?

He wouldn’t know until he was able to get up and check out what was beyond the room he was in. He didn’t relish the prospect of doing so as it meant attempting to move – a feat which his body told him was a decidedly bad idea.

Still, if pain was what he had to go through to ensure that the images in his mind were real and not just hopeful fantasies, then that was a trade off worth making.

He counted to three in his mind before taking a deep breath and letting out a loud groan as he attempted to pull himself into a sitting position. Pain shot through him – white hot and fierce causing him to fall back onto the bed.

A flurry of movement to his left let him know that someone was in the room with him – and had been this whole time.

“Don’t try to get up,” the voice was sleepy but unmistakably Laura’s. Despite the pain shooting through every part of his body he felt himself smile and relief flood through him. She was here. Whatever had happened, whatever injuries he had sustained, he knew she was safe and they were together.

“Laura,” he heard himself croak. His voice was rough and hoarse from lack of use. “What happened? Where are we?”

“A safe house that Tony arranged,” Laura replied. He attempted to turn his head to look at her, but was unable to do so. Sensing his desire to see her, she stood up and came around to the right side of the bed where his vision was unencumbered by swelling. She carried a small chair with her, which she had likely been sitting next to him on while he slept. How long had she been here with him? How long had he been out?

She looked haggard and dangerously thin. Her hair was flat and lifeless and the rumpled state of her clothing told him that she likely hadn’t changed in a while. Still, she had never looked more beautiful to him and despite his pain, he found himself smiling.

“How are you feeling?” She asked him, her voice soft with worry.

“Like several someones used me as a punching bag,” he replied honestly trying to ignore the intense pounding in his head. “How do I look?”

“Awful,” she said with a slight quirk of a smile. “But to me you’ve never looked better.”

A memory struggled to make its way to the surface of his mind. It was something important that nagged at him. He couldn’t piece the memory together but he knew it had something to do with Tony and Laura. Pushing that to the side for the moment, he asked a different question that had been on his mind.

“How long have I been out?”

“Two days,” Laura replied. “We’ve been taking shifts with you. Tony said you’ve probably got a concussion along with several other injuries.”

“What happened to Marissa? Did she and her father….”

  
“They are reunited in the next room,” Laura said with a hearty smile. “He was pretty weak when we found him, but he’s gotten a lot stronger since having a rest and some food.”

“And Tony?” Steele asked, recalling that Tony was injured in their escape attempt. Small things filtering back one by one.

“He’s recovering,” Laura reassured him. “He was shot in the leg, but thankfully we were able to stop the bleeding.”

“Good,” Remington said, allowing his eyes to close for a moment and trying to stop the relentless pounding in his head. “Good, good…”

  
He could feel the pull of sleep and resisted the urge to give in. He wanted to prolong this moment with Laura. He wanted to look into her eyes and savour the fact that she was alive, and safe and right next to him. He wanted to remember whatever it was he had forgotten. He wanted to hold her and never let her go.

He forced his eyes open again and took in her face – a face more dear to him than any other in this world. As long as she was here, all the pain was worth it.

“Tony got me out, didn’t he?” He asked, even though she had already told him the answer. “He got shot getting me out.”

“He did,” Laura replied trying to fight back tears. “He saved your life. He brought you back to me.”

“I suppose that means we have to like him, doesn’t it?” Remington said with a wry smile. Laura laughed through her tears and nodded. His heart went out to her immediately. He still wasn’t sure if all his memories were accurate, but he could only imagine how frightened she must have been if his own fear for her safety was any sort of indication.

“Don’t cry, Laura,” he said gently reaching out and taking her hand. She squeezed it softly. “I’m alright.”

“I thought I had lost you,” she whispered as if afraid to even voice that admission out loud. “I thought…even after getting you back I wasn’t sure it was real. Tony said you would be okay but I had to see it with my own eyes. I kept thinking…”

She trailed off again as her tears overtook her. He wanted to be able to sit up and gather her into his arms, to kiss every one of those tears and promise her that nothing would ever come between him again but his body prevented it.

“I’m here,” he murmured over and over again as she held his hand so tightly it hurt. He could tell she needed this – this release of emotion. If he knew Laura at all, he knew she would have been holding herself together this entire time, refusing to break down or acknowledge any of her fears. She would have come for him with a single-minded focus meant to prevent any other emotions from slowing her down. “I love you, and I’m here. You’re not alone. I’m here.”

He repeated this mantra over and over again, not sure if she could hear him or if his words were having any effect at all.

She would have forced herself to be strong, at least until he was out of danger. In a way, her weeping in front of him was a good sign – a sign that not only would he recover, but that their relationship was strong enough for Laura to show him the side of her that she had previously hid from him. It was the part of her that allowed herself to be small, vulnerable and scared.

And though he’d never wanted to be the source of her pain, he couldn’t help but marvel at her incredible strength. This woman had gone to the ends of the Earth for him. She had risked everything to find him and even more to get him out of that prison. She’d put so much on the line, not just of her self but of her…

And suddenly he remembered what Tony had told him in the prison. He remembered why he had fought so hard to get out – why he had pushed his body to it’s very limit despite every single cell inside him telling him not to.

He remembered what he had been fighting to get back to. Not just Laura, but the possibility that lay inside her.

“Sssh love,” he soothed as her sobs slowed and eventually came to a stop. Her eyes were red rimmed and there were splotches of pink all over her face. He was suddenly reminded of the way she had looked at him – that same tear stained expression after her house had been blown up all those years ago.

“I almost lost you,” she said one more time. “I’m sorry, I just…”

“Don’t apologise,” he interrupted tenderly. “Never apologise. I can’t imagine what I would do without you so the feeling is beyond mutual.”

She hiccuped and swiped her arm across her face in an attempt to rid herself of the evidence of her own break down.

“I should let Tony and the others know you’re awake,” she said, standing up. “Do you think you could handle some food? I could get you some soup. It’s powdered and tastes awful, but…”

“Laura, stop for a moment,” he said, needing to know if his suspicions were correct, but unsure of how to voice them. _When in doubt, spit it out,_ he thought. Here goes. “I need to know something. Are you…are you pregnant?”


	53. Chapter 53

Laura froze the moment his question was voiced out loud. Of all the things she had been expecting Remington to ask when he woke up, this was not one of them. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t planned on telling him it was a possibility. She had been running over the ways to bring it up in her head ever since Tony had assured her that he was going to be okay.

But every time her mind seemed to circle back around to the fact that it was still very much a maybe. And it was a maybe she had no idea how he was going to react to.

She knew now from the argument they’d had before he left that he had planned on proposing to her long before the immigration nightmare that saw him marrying Clarissa the call girl. He had hinted at marriage again after they had reunited, but nothing had been decided. Their focus had always just been on getting home.

  
The knowledge she now possessed about his own traumatic childhood made things a million times more complicated. Would he want children after everything he went through with his own parents? Would he feel like he was being forced into a family situation he had no idea how to navigate? Did he want a baby?

More importantly, did she? To say her feelings about becoming a mother were mixed was an understatement. There were moments in which she genuinely hoped that she was in fact pregnant with his child – most of those moments were under extreme stress and fear of losing Remington. She had no idea if she had hoped to be pregnant because she actually wanted a child, or if it had simply been a desperate attempt to hold on to a piece of him in case she lost him forever.

She still didn’t know. They weren’t back home in L.A. looking through a book of baby names. They were here on the other side of the world hiding in a safe house while Remington recovered from injuries she couldn’t imagine. How was she supposed to feel in a situation like this?

“I…” she couldn’t help but stammer as she tried to form an answer to his questions that wasn’t vague but also didn’t give away her own fears. “How did you….who told you….?”

Her eyes narrowed as a new possibility occurred to her. There was only one other person that Remington had been in contact with who knew about her potential pregnancy. And while she was aware that Remington owed his life to him, it still didn’t stop her from wanting to wrap her hands around his neck and choke it out of him.

“Tony,” she hissed. “It was him wasn’t it? I’m going to _kill_ him.”

“While part of me completely understands the feeling,” Remington said with a wry smile, “I don’t think he’s the enemy right now.” He stared at her, lost in thought for a moment and Laura wondered what he was thinking. She managed a weak smile.

“Is it true then?” He wondered, trying desperately to pull himself into a sitting position on the bed.

“I…” she hesitated, torn between wanting to go out the door right this second and throttle Tony and the urgent pleading she could see in Remington’s good eye. What the hell could she possibly say? And damn Tony to hell for saying anything in first place.

“I don’t know,” she said finally, allowing her shoulders to slump in defeat. She fought once more to keep from crying. Why the hell did she always want to cry? Was this a sign? Or just an incredibly impossible and stressful situation? “Maybe. I’m…late. But that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. I haven’t been eating very well. This has happened before when I’ve been…stressed.”

“I see,” Remington replied. His eyes and his tone we completely unreadable. Laura had no idea if he was disappointed or relieved that she hadn’t been able to confirm a pregnancy. An extremely awkward silence descended on them. Laura wished he would give her at least some indication of what he was thinking or feeling, but his own face was a stone mask.

“I won’t be able to know for sure until we are home in L.A. and I can get my hands on a pregnancy test or make a doctor’s appointment.”

She had no idea why she suddenly felt the need to fill the silence so desperately. But for some reason she thought if she could just keep talking, it would somehow help. She hadn’t had a chance to really process the idea yet even for herself. It was all so abstract here in Moscow. What would happen when they did finally return to L.A.? How would they move forward if there was in fact a pregnancy?   
  
What would they do if there wasn’t? Why the hell wasn’t he saying anything?

“If I am pregnant, I think Francis still has her crib in storage. She would probably give it to us. It’s a family heirloom after all, and we would have to tell my mother…oh God, we would have to tell my mother! And then we would have to…”

“You would want to go through with it then?” He asked so quietly she barely heard him. She paused and searched his expression yet again which was still impassive and unyielding. Was he trying to figure out if she wanted a child because he didn’t, or because he did? Why the hell was this suddenly so hard?

She sat down and looked at him for a long moment, trying to decide how much of her heart she wanted to reveal. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed his hands were shaking and it hit her that he likely hadn’t processed his own feelings yet and demanding he do so immediately was probably unfair. Like anything else, the only way forward was with honesty and in this case, it should start from her. Full disclosure. She took a deep breath.

“I don’t know to be honest,” she replied as she brushed a lock of stray hair back from her face. “I think so. I never really thought about children before. It was never part of the plan I had in mind Marriage…kids…the PTA meetings…that was always Francis’ thing. She loved it. But me…all I saw was a trap. A living nightmare….the hell my parents went through. I think a small part of me always thought it was a possibility, but in reality I couldn’t imagine giving up my job, my life’s work to become a wife and mother. I couldn’t imagine giving up Laura Holt.”

  
She laughed softly.

“And then I met you and everything changed. Suddenly the idea of forever no longer felt like a trap, and the possibility of carrying your child was the only thing that got me through the thought that I might lose you.”

“Laura…”

“Please, let me finish,” she urged. She wanted to get this out before he said anything that would complicate things. “I want to want this. I do. But I don’t want to give up my life. I want to keep my career. I don’t want things to change between us. It took us so long to get here and I’m…I’m scared. I’m scared this will change everything.”

“Of course it would,” Remington said reaching out for her hand and squeezing it gently. “But what on Earth makes you think you would have to give up the agency or your work?”

“Because that’s what women are expected to do!” She exclaimed, not sure who she was angry with, but angry nonetheless. “Get married, have kids, buy a mini-van!”

“And since when does Laura Holt do what society expects of her?” Remington asked with an amused smile. She shot him an irritated look at how blasé he was being about this. Clearly he had no idea of the pressure society put on a woman who decided to continue working. She thought of the dirty looks she would get at the school drop off from other mothers, the snide comments from her own mother about trying to ‘do it all’. And would Remington be a fully hands-on father? Given that he’d had zero positive role models to speak of, she had no way of knowing.

“Are you telling me you wouldn’t want me to stop working?” She asked him. He grimaced and raised an eyebrow in response.

“What on Earth makes you think I would ask you do something so ludicrous?” He said back. For a split second Laura allowed herself to process the fact that they were talking about this – really talking about it as if it were real. As if it were something they were both a part of and not just something that was happening to her body that she had no control over.

“I don’t know,” she replied honestly. “But I know you don’t like it when I put myself in danger. And there have been times where our work has come to us. Remember Wally the building manager who stalked me? At the same time he came after me, Anthony Delgetti came after you and nearly killed you? Remember what you said to me after that case was over? You asked me if I planned to continue working if I decided to have kids. You implied….”

“I was an idiot,” Remington interrupted sharply. “I was scared because I had almost lost you without having told you how I really felt. I was trying to get up the courage to propose to you and two men almost took you away from me and I felt powerless. Afraid. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you would ever have to give up your life if we were to start a family. I would never ask that of you.”

She was stunned beyond all words. She had always known that Remington was not like other men. He didn’t call her ‘little lady’ or talk down to waitresses. And though he had fallen into the trap of assuming she was a secretary the day they had first met, he quickly came around to the idea of a female private investigator. There was no ego involved with him admitting that she was just as capable – if not more so in many ways. So the idea that he would be willing to try to maintain a work-life balance with children in the picture shouldn’t surprise her. And yet for some reason it did.

Maybe part of it came from the way he had play-acted their marriage when they had their fake wedding on the fishing boat. The moment that immigration officials were on the scene he was patting her on the backside, calling her the ‘little woman’ and re-enacting every horrible misogynist nightmare she had ever imagined marriage could be. It had been one of the many reasons that charade had caused them to grow so far apart and having no other basis for comparison, she’d assumed without even realizing it, that that must be Remington’s idea of marriage.

But if she had been wrong…could they make a life that made sense to them? Could they forge their own path together?

“I didn’t realise,” she said finally after a moment of silent contemplation. “After the fishing boat I just assumed that a marriage to you would be like any other. I never thought…”

“That fishing boat wedding was the greatest mistake of my life,” Remington said. She watched as he winced at the pain in his head and realized that this conversation was likely taking a lot of energy out of him.

“It was,” she agreed, “but we can’t go back in time. All we can do is go forward.”

“Then let’s go forward,” Remington said groaning as he forced himself upright despite the obvious pain he was in. “Let’s do this right this time. Let’s get married properly when we get back.”

“I don’t know,” she hesitated. Inwardly there was a war. Part of her wanted to throw her arms – gently – around his neck and say yes immediately. But there was another part whispering in the darkest recesses of her mind, warning her that she didn’t want their marriage to be built on Remington trying to fix his father’s mistakes.

“Why not?” He was saying. “I love you. I know you love me. If you are pregnant…”

“I don’t want that to be why,” she interrupted. At his look of confusion, she continued. “I don’t want you to ask me because you think I am pregnant and you need to do the right thing. I don’t want this to be an obligation you need to fulfil.”

A short humourless laugh escaped his lips.

“Please don’t tell me you really believe that,” he said incredulously. “Damn it, I’ve been trying to propose to you for months but these obstacles keep getting in our way. Immigration, Keyes, Antony and now…”  
  
He shook his head and gave a soft sigh.

“I love you. I want to spend my life with you. Baby or no baby, will you marry me?”

Laura leaned in and kissed him slowly, gently so as not to cause any more pain to the various facial injuries he had suffered. When she pulled away, she asked one more question.   
  
“What if there is a baby?” She asked, realising she’d told him how she felt, but hadn’t asked him how he did. “I know this won’t be easy for you with Daniel being gone and nobody to look up to. Do you…do you want this? Truly?”

She watched as a slow, peaceful smile settled over his ravaged face. He took a deep shuddering breath.

“More than I’ve ever wanted anything,” he told her. “To be the father I never had with you by my side….I can’t imagine anything that would make me happier.”

“In that case, I’ll marry you,” she whispered. She watched as the peaceful smile turned into an ear-to-ear grin.

“You will?” He asked. She kissed him once more.   
  


“I will.” Sitting back, she patted his arm gently. “But for now, you need to get some rest. And I…well I still have a few things I need to say to Tony.”

“I never thought I’d say this, but go easy on him,” Remington said with a sleepy chuckle. “After all, he brought me back to you.”


	54. Chapter 54

  
Laura shut the door to Remington’s room quietly behind her. When she looked up, a sea of eyes met hers as Tony, Marissa, Sasha and Robert Peters all looked at her expectantly. Tony had been sleeping on the couch. Sasha and Marissa had taken turns tending to him and changing his bandages as did Robert Peterson when he eventually became strong enough to help.

  
Laura had insisted on looking after Remington on her own. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust the other women to help, it was that she wanted to be the first person he saw when he finally woke up.

With that accomplished, she felt herself breathe a sigh of relief. It looked as if he’d suffered quite a bit, but that he was finally on the road to healing. An immense weight was suddenly lifted from her shoulders as she contemplated their next steps.

“How is he?” Tony asked.

Anger flashed through her the moment she heard him speak.

“You don’t get to ask that question,” she snapped as she walked over to the kitchenette area and began preparing herself something to eat. It was mostly canned goods as going shopping for groceries was something that could potentially undermine the safety of the house. Luckily they had enough there to last them a while.

She heard Marissa pad into the kitchen after her, clearly intent on being the peacemaker.

“Please don’t be angry with him,” she said gently. “You have no idea what he went through to get Remington out. It was…”

“Not his news to tell,” Laura retorted, refusing to give an inch. She’d had so little control since she’d left with Tony on this hair-brained adventure. She had done everything that was asked of her, all in the name of finding Remington and getting home.

She hadn’t expected to have to deal with a potentially life changing pregnancy on top of it all, but she had done so in the only way she knew how – by putting it off and telling herself she would have that conversation and so many others when they got home.

She had wanted to be in the safety of their own office with Mildred by their side and a store bought home pregnancy test in hand. She needed to have some control over how she found out and instead, Tony had ripped that away from her as well.

She didn’t care if she owed him Remington’s life. She would not let him get off so easy on this one.

“I get that, but…”

“Laura’s right,” Tony interrupted. He had managed to haul himself upright with the help of Sasha and had hobbled into the kitchen, leaning heavily on the counter top. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything to Steele about you being pregnant.”

“Potentially….” Laura corrected angrily, refusing to be mollified by his attempt to apologise. “I don’t know that for certain and how dare you force me into a conversation like that? Do you honestly think saying ‘I’m sorry’ is just going to fix everything?”

“Excuse me?” Tony echoed, clearly surprised by her response. His face hardened and Marissa, sensing the writing on the wall, left the kitchenette. “What would you prefer I do, _sweetheart_?”

That last word was a dig. The deliberateness of it made her even angrier.

“I would prefer that you refrain from talking about things that don’t concern you,” Laura said, knowing her behavior was unfair but unable to stop herself. She was mad and she needed someone to be mad at. “All you seem to do is make my life more difficult.”

“Look, I screwed up and I get that,” Tony said, attempting to stay calm. Laura could tell that she’d hit a nerve however, and got a small thrill of satisfaction from that. “But you weren’t there. You wanted me to get him back to you and I did. And lemme tell you something, he wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t told him and that’s a fact.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Laura demanded. She suddenly realized that Marissa was right. She didn’t have any clue as to what had actually transpired during their escape attempt or how her pregnancy had been brought up in the course of it.

“I’m talking about trying to drag a nearly half dead Remington Steele out of that compound and getting shot in the process!” Tony shot back angrily. “He was beaten to a bloody pulp and could barely keep his eyes open. When he finally did open them, he asked us to leave him there and get ourselves out. Did he tell you that? That he just gave up?”

“He wouldn’t…” Laura said, his words hitting her like a punch to the gut. “There’s no way…he wouldn’t do that. You’re lying.”

“Why the hell would I lie about that?” Tony exclaimed in exasperation. “Do you think I got shot for fun?”

“Oh and I suppose you decided to stay and save his life out of the goodness of your heart?” Laura said sarcastically. She didn’t want to believe Tony. She couldn’t believe him. Believing him would mean that there was a point in which Remington had stopped fighting. Of all the things they had gone through, the idea that he could just give up was something she just couldn’t process. He had to be lying. Why that was, she couldn’t imagine, but it was easier to hold onto that.

“As a matter of fact, yes!” Tony shot back furiously. “You know I really thought after we spent all this time together that you’d learned to trust me.”

“He wouldn’t just give up,” Laura insisted, trying to ignore the sting of tears that threatened the backs of her eyes. The look in Tony’s eyes told her that he was telling the truth – a truth she didn’t want to believe. A truth she couldn’t believe. She knew that Tony had saved Remington’s life, but the idea that he had stopped fighting to get back to her was too much for her to handle.

“Maybe you don’t know him as well as you think you do,” Tony said, his tone softening. His sympathy only made it worse. “And I wouldn’t judge him for it, Laura. He was hurt. He was scared. He didn’t want to be the reason that you came after him and he didn’t want to be the reason Marissa didn’t get out. He asked us to leave without him. Begged us, even.”

“So why didn’t you?” Laura asked, feeling more exhausted than she ever had before. At the mention of Marissa, Remington’s actions suddenly made perfect sense. She was his family and aside from Robert Peters, the only family he had left. She knew he would die before being the reason Marissa didn’t make it.

“Because I promised you I would get him out,” Tony replied. Laura could see the sheer amount of effort it was taking him to remain upright. His arms, bracing his weight against the counter top, were shaking. “And the only way I could think to do that was to give him some added incentive to fight to get back to you.”

“That’s why you told him,” Laura murmured to herself more than anyone else. She could see the scene in her mind’s eye now. Remington, exhausted and fearful for the lives of his rescuers attempting to save them by staying behind. And Tony….Tony refusing to let him to do that by using the only tool he had that might force Remington to fight just that much harder. All the anger left her the moment she realized just how close she had come to losing him. Almost instinctively, her fingers passed gently over her abdomen.

For the first time since Sasha had made that suggestion, Laura genuinely hoped there was a baby growing within her. Remington had told her that a potential pregnancy would make him happy, but she hadn’t understood just how much he wanted this until now. She looked away, trying to control the emotional response that was clearly written all over her face.

“Yes,” Tony replied gently. “I figured if it was me, I would fight like hell to get back for my child. I assumed Steele was the same. I know I shouldn’t have told him, but…”

“No, you were right,” Laura said looking up and seeing Tony – really seeing him – for the first time. “I’m sorry I got so angry. I didn’t realise…”

“You couldn’t have,” he replied ruefully. “And for what it’s worth, I am sorry.”

“Thank you,” Laura said and this time she meant it. “Let me help you back to the couch.”


	55. Chapter 55

Remington healed slowly. Each day he attempted to get out of bed, and each day the limitations of his body reminded him he wasn’t ready.

Laura was by his side for most of it, leaving the room only when Sasha came in to change the makeshift bedpan she had created for him. She had wanted to stay even for this, but Remington already felt useless and frustrated by the time it was taking for his body to heal. The last thing he wanted Laura to see was the full reality of it.

He knew that it was silly to put that barrier up between them. She had agreed to marry him. There should be no secrets, no barriers. And yet, the desire to be whole and strong for her was so intense that he couldn’t bear the thought of his full weakness being exposed to her.

Maybe in a few decades when they were both old and frail it wouldn’t seem as terrifying but now it only served as a reminder of what he had almost lost…what _they_ had almost lost.

They hadn’t spoken much in the time Laura did spend there with him. Most of that time was spent with Remington dosing on and off or with Laura helping him to eat the food she brought him. The food was fairly awful and Remington found himself longing for his kitchen back home in L.A.

He vowed to make a gourmet meal for the two of them once they were home. It was on an ever growing list in his head of things he wanted to do with Laura once they returned - chief among them being buy a pregnancy test and spend the day in bed together doing nothing but making love and watching old movies.

The potential pregnancy weighed heavily on his mind as he suspected it did for Laura as well, though neither of them brought it up. He wasn’t sure why she didn’t speak of it. He wondered if it was because Laura was a logical thinker and didn’t like to dwell on possibilities.

For Remington, it was because he was a dreamer and when he did allow himself to think about it, the longing he felt for it to be true almost overwhelmed him. It terrified him just how deeply he wanted to start a family with Laura. It was a desire he’d had no idea he even possessed until now and he feared that allowing himself to hope, to dream and to plan might somehow jinx it. Like thinking about it would cause it to vanish into so much smoke.

So he hid that hope away in the corners of his mind, too terrified to ruin what could possibly be the greatest thing that had ever happened to him. He decided to concentrate instead on getting better so that they could get home and truly start their lives anew.

Laura had offered several times to bring Marissa and Robert in to see him. She knew that he was extremely curious about the man they had come to find – the Uncle he hadn’t known he had. Robert Peters was a stranger, but at the same time the last link he had to his mother.

And while Remington was eager to meet him, that same stubbornness that prevented him from allowing Laura to see his bedpan changed, prevented him from allowing Marissa or Robert into the room until he could stand under his own power.

“I don’t understand,” Laura said moments after he’d refused the offer to bring them in. “They want to see you. Robert especially.” He had been awake and lucid most of the day – though what day it was, he still had no idea. The day before that he’d been able to stand for short periods of the day, though his entire body still felt like one giant walking bruise.

The cut and swelling on his left eye had gone down enough that he had full vision restored to both eyes and his headaches were becoming less frequent and severe. He was clearly on the mend and yet the idea of leaving that room and facing the others was inexplicably terrifying.

“Not yet,” Remington replied with a shake of his head. He was sitting up now against the headboard of the bed. “I know it doesn’t make much sense, but this man is all I have left of my mother. I won’t meet him while I am bedridden and unable to stand. I need to be eye-to-eye when I shake his hand for the first time. I’ll never get this chance again.”

“You’re right. I don’t understand.” Laura gave him a resigned smile. “But this is new territory for both of us. What can I do to help?”

“I need to be able to walk under my own power,” Steele said with firm resolution. “Help me to do that?”

“I don’t think I can,” Laura replied regretfully. “At least not on my own. If you fell, I couldn’t lift you up again. Would you…would you allow Tony to help as well?”

“Wasn’t he shot?” Remington asked, raising a dubious eyebrow.

“He was,” Laura admitted, “but he’s been getting much stronger. It was mostly a flesh wound. I think together we could help you get strong enough to walk out the door. Will you let me get him?”

“Alright,” Steele said, his own pride not loving the idea, but recognising the necessity. Antony had gotten him out after all, so technically he’d seen him in far worse of a state than this.   
  
Laura nodded and left the room. Moments later she returned with an oddly nervous looking Antony Roselli in tow.

“Steele,” Antony said as he entered the room. “How are you feeling?”

“Rotten,” Remington replied with a grim smile. “But ready to get out of this bed. Laura seems to think you’ll be able to help with that.”

“I’m willing to try my best,” Antony replied. With a nod of assent from Remington, he and Laura helped him to his feet.

With a deep breath, Steele, Laura and Antony began the slow and painful process of helping him walk. Eventually, it got easier until he was able to do so for long periods at a time. He still wasn’t up to full strength but he was able to walk and stand long enough that his excuses no longer held water for either Laura or Tony. He knew he couldn’t stay forever in this limbo, and that eventually the attempt needed to be made to make their way home.

That journey’s first step would begin with him meeting his uncle.

“You ready for this Steele?” Antony asked him a couple of days later. Remington was surprised to see the empathy and understanding written on Antony’s face. If someone had told him a month and a half ago that he would count on Antony to this degree, he never would have believed it. And yet, the man next to him had saved his life at the risk of his own. It was a debt Remington could never repay and he knew that.

“No,” Remington said honestly in response to Antony’s question. At the quirk of his eyebrow, he added. “But let’s do it anyway.”

He reached out and shook Antony’s hand, kissed Laura gently on the forehead, then opened the door and stepped out of the room.

Marissa and Sasha were seated on the couch. Remington’s gaze was drawn to them first, and then to the older man standing in the corner. He was not quite as tall as Remington with thinning silver hair and startling blue eyes that hadn’t dimmed with age. Instinct told him his mother’s eyes had been the same and that this was an inherited trait. He immediately felt a sense of kinship with the man which surprised him.

Robert Peters was slender and frail, no doubt owing to the years he had spent in the prison, but the look on his face told Remington that his mind was as sharp as ever. The two men stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity, each both too overwhelmed with the enormity of the moment in front of them. Eventually, his uncle broke the silence.

“You must be my nephew,” he said. His voice was strong and clear, but Remington had enough presence of mind to detect the emotional current underneath his words.

Emboldened by the knowledge that this moment might mean as much to his uncle as it did to him, Remington made his way over to Peters slowly and deliberately, trying desperately to ignore the pain that sliced through him with every step.

He found himself face to face and trying to reign his emotions in, aware that they had an audience. He found himself wondering if his mother shared similar physical characteristics as her brother and tried to imagine what she might look like now.

His mind was still trying to conjure up her image as he reached out and shook the hand that the older man offered him and then found himself being pulled into a fierce hug.

He allowed the embrace, and forced himself to be present in a moment he never thought he would have and one that would never come again. He had missed his opportunity to have this moment with Daniel. He’d been to angry at the man to embrace him as a father and by the time he had been ready to talk, Daniel had died before he could get the answers and the closure he needed. He knew that Robert likely never expected to escape the prison, much less meet his nephew – his only surviving connection to his sister.

The two men were both aware that this moment was a culmination of meetings and goodbyes they never got to have and as such were loathe to break the spell.

When they pulled back, Remington could see tears glistening in the older man’s eyes as he gave him a long once-over. An ear to ear smile crossed his face. He felt almost giddy – as if every birthday and Christmas that he never got to have had suddenly been rolled into one moment. 

“You look just like her,” Robert said, his voice gruff with emotion. Remington looked away not wanting to see the tears that pricked at his own eyes as well.

“I always wondered…” he trailed off, not sure how to ask the question that had plagued his thoughts all his life. “I never had a photo. Never got to see what she…”

“You have her eyes,” Robert told him, as if sensing what it was that Remington needed to hear. “And the dark hair comes from her as well. I have photos in a storage unit in the States. I will show you if you like. But it’s more than that. When you smiled just now, I saw her. I saw her kindness of spirit.”

Remington tugged on his earlobe and looked at his shoes as a single tear escaped his eyes. He wiped it away swiftly and took a deep shuddering breath. A sense of peace he had never felt before settled into his chest. It was a curious feeling. It was as if he was finally able to breathe after a lifetime of suffocation. The darkness was still there, and always would be. Nothing could ever completely erase the experiences from his past, but somehow he knew that the pain he’d experienced would no longer weigh on him like an anchor. He was free.

“Rem?” Laura spoke softly, as if afraid to break the spell. There was concern in her voice perhaps because of his physical injuries. He shook his head and gave her a reassuring smile.

“Do you really have photos of my mother?” He asked, almost afraid to hope that what Robert had said was true.

“I do,” he assured him. “And I can’t wait to sit down and go through them with you.”

“I wish like hell I had known her,” he confessed. He hadn’t talked much about his mother to Laura or anyone else really. But with his uncle standing before him he found himself needing to. The thought of her was no longer painful, but necessary. He needed to know her. For better or worse, he’d had a lifetime to know Daniel, but his mother remained a mystery. 

“So do I,” Peters said with a sad smile. “But there is time. Thanks to you and your friends, we have that. So thank you. Thank you for reuniting me with my daughter and for the chance to know you.”

“I…” Remington had no idea what to say. He’d never expected his uncle to thank him. Truthfully, he hadn’t known what to expect.

“It was our pleasure,” Antony said, surprising all of them. There was an expression in the man’s eyes that suggested he knew a thing or two about what it was like to need a second chance.

“Listen I know you’re tired,” Robert said and the moment he did, Steele noticed that Laura had made her way to his side and that he’d been clenching his fists together in an effort to keep himself upright. She slipped an arm around him and he allowed her to help him. “Why don’t you rest, and we can talk again soon?”

“I’m not…” he started to insist he wasn’t tired, but Robert interrupted him.

“We have time, Steele.” He reassured him. “Finally, we have time.”

“Alright,” Steele said feeling the pain of his injuries overcome his desire to continue the reunion. He slumped a little bit further and Laura bore a bit more of his weight. A smile passed between the two men and he knew his uncle was right. They had time. For the first time in his life, that time felt like a gift and he wasn’t going to waste a second of it.


	56. Chapter 56

A few days passed painstakingly slowly. Each day consisted of Remington performing various exercises designed to increase his strength and help him heal. His injuries were severe, but his determination unmatched and it was soon clear that Remington was strong enough to travel. Since he was the last question mark regarding their departure, Laura had been content to wait, not wanting to rush anything until he was fully ready.

Part of her wanted to leave right away and another part wished they could stay in limbo forever. Leaving meant risking their lives to get home – a terrifying idea on its own. But more than that, it also mean returning to the lives they had left behind.

She wasn’t concerned about the agency. She knew Mildred well enough to know that the older woman had likely been running a tight ship while waiting for their return. There was no one she trusted more to keep their books and maintain their reputation in their absence.

She also knew that Mildred was likely quite worried about them and had almost certainly attempted to try to find out where they were and what had happened to them. She hoped that was all she had done and that she hadn’t attempted to come after them in any way.

Provided they all made it back, Laura knew there was a lot she would have to deal with. Immigration would still be waiting, expecting to see evidence that their relationship and marriage was indeed legitimate. Laura and Remington would have to arrange another wedding to replace the false one they’d had on the fishing boat. There was also the matter of purchasing a pregnancy test and dealing with the fallout of whatever that test revealed.

It seemed more and more likely to Laura that she was in fact, pregnant. And what surprised her the most was how quickly she had gone from being deeply ambivalent about the idea to wanting a child with Remington more than ever.

Part of it had been how close she had come to losing him, but a lot of it had to do with knowing just how badly he wanted the pregnancy. Something about his desire to begin a family with her made her feel like this was something they could really do and something she truly wanted.

But they had to get home first and that meant readying their departure.

Laura and Remington had been spending the mornings in the room working on his physical strength. When it was felt they had done enough, they would exit the room and join the others. The day would then be spent planning and getting ready despite the actual departure date being unknown.

Laura suspected that deep down the others, like herself, were waiting for Remington to make the suggestion.

It was on the sixth day that he did so. They had just finished yet another disappointingly bland can of soup and Tony had pulled out a map of a series of back roads with which his contacts intended to help them navigate.

The plan had changed and evolved greatly since they had managed to get Robert Peters out of prison. Tony was utilised his Solidarity contacts to the fullest arranging safe houses and rendezvous points along the way so that they were either able to avoid check points all together or had someone on the inside working the ones they did have to cross.

Laura trusted in Tony’s confidence that their plan would work. Only a few small details needed to be finalised at this point which had caused Laura to begin arranging what little belongings they had for the trip home.

Once Robert had finished outlining the changes to the route he was proposing, he shot a meaningful look at his nephew before his next sentence.

“I think we’ve done all we can here. We could leave tomorrow. Do you feel ready?”

Laura watched a range of emotions play across Remington’s face as he contemplated it. She knew that he was just as eager to get home as she was, and like her, she knew the dangers that lay ahead made the prospect daunting. They both had so much to lose now and yet, they both knew that staying here was not possible in the long term.

She also knew that in the three days since the two men had met, a relationship had formed almost instantly and with a depth Laura was heartened to see. The men had stayed up into long hours of the night discussing Remington’s mother, and generally getting caught up on all they had missed. Robert Peters still had no great love for Daniel Chalmers but had even go so far to acknowledge that if it hadn’t been for him, they might never have found each other.

Laura knew that Remington did not trust easily and yet seeing how effortlessly he seemed to have bonded with Robert gave her hope. If anyone could get him to agree it was time to leave, it would be him. She knew that Remington was eager to explore the relationship with his newfound family from the safety of their life in Los Angeles.

“I don’t think I will ever be truly ready,” Remington admitted with an honesty that surprised her. “But we also cannot stay here and I don’t see the purpose in drawing that out any further, do you, Laura?”

“No,” she replied firmly. “I think it’s time.”

“Then if nobody else is in objection,” Robert said, shooting a pointed look at Marissa, Tony and Sasha who had so far remained silent. “Then we will leave tomorrow at dawn.”

“I…” Tony cleared his throat and Laura noticed a hesitant – almost nervous – look on his face. “I don’t think I’m coming.”

“Excuse me?” Marissa said in confusion.

“I mean, I think I want to stay.” Tony continued, speaking slowly as if even he was surprised by what he’d just said and was trying to sort out in his head exactly what he’d meant by it.

“What the hell do you mean you want to stay here?” Laura burst out, surprisingly angry by the announcement. She hadn’t realise just how heavily she had come to rely on Tony and his expertise especially when it came to the impending trip back home. To hear him say he wanted to stay felt like an odd kind of abandonment and she wasn’t sure why that was. “What on earth would you even do here?”

“I want to help Sasha get her papers,” he said taking a deep breath and running a hand over his face. He looked extremely tired and Laura suddenly wondered how much sleep he had been getting. “I want to make good on my promise to get her to the States.”

“What?” Sasha said far louder than she obviously intended. It was clear from her reaction that that was the last thing she had expected Tony to say. “You can’t! You have to go back!”

“Why?” Tony asked her, taking her hand in his. “There’s nothing for me there. No friends…I haven’t seen my family in years. If I stayed, I could help speed up the process.”

“Or you could get caught and get yourself killed,” Remington pointed out calmly.

“I think….” Marissa looked at Tony and Sasha who looked as white as a sheet over his revelation to the group. “I think maybe we should let Tony and Sasha discuss this in private. It’s not really our decision to make after all and it affects them more than it does us.”

“Excellent suggestion,” Remington agreed. “Why don’t you discuss it in one of the bedrooms?”

Tony nodded, took Sasha by the hand and headed towards the room Robert Peters had been sleeping in. Before they entered, he turned and gave Steele a wan smile.

“We’ll be back in a few,” he said before they shut the door behind them.


	57. Chapter 57

“What the hell were you thinking?” Sasha asked, her voice almost hysterical as the door shut behind them. “You can’t stay here. You need to…”

“What?” Tony interrupted in a tone sharper than he’d intended. “I need to what?” If he were truthful with himself, he had no idea what had made him speak up and make the suggestion to stay. It certainly hadn’t been on his radar as they made their plans to get home.

All he knew was that the moment Robert Peters suggested the time of departure, something inside him had known it was the wrong thing to do. He couldn’t leave her. Not after everything that had happened. He couldn’t just leave it up to fate as to whether she would get home. He had made that mistake once when he had agreed to split up from Kathleen and it had resulted in heartbreak. He wouldn’t do that again.

“They need you to help them get back safely,” Sasha continued. Verbally she seemed to be against it, but the look in her eyes told him that she had hope…that she wanted this. It was up to him to convince her of it. “The whole plan has been built around it. They need you!”

“They have Robert Peters,” Tony argued, suddenly seeing all the reasons to stay had been right in front of him this entire time. “He’s equally as competent. Maybe more so since he’s got decades of training on me. He knows the plan better than anyone. At this point, I would just be taking up extra space, and for what? What do I have waiting for me back there that is worth leaving you?”

“You get to live,” Sasha said, her eyes glittering with anger and fear. “Staying here will more than likely get you killed. If you go back, you could build a new life.”

“A life without you,” he clarified quietly. “It doesn’t feel like a fair trade to me.”   
  
“You’re not the only one affected,” she shot back. “Don’t I have a say in this? Or did you announce it in front of everyone to blindside me so I couldn’t say no?”

“I had no idea I was going to announce anything,” Tony insisted. “I was just as surprised as you by my decision, believe me. All I know is that the moment the others agreed to leave, I knew I couldn’t. Not without you.”

He gave her a long, searching look, trying desperately to figure out what she was thinking and feeling. He was usually so good at reading other people – it was a skill he needed in order to do his job effectively. But Sasha for the most part remained unreadable. Perhaps it was because she was the only person he was truly emotionally invested in. Perhaps it was simply because her short life had been full of disappointment and people letting her down. Maybe it was a bit of both. Either way, not knowing how she felt was more than a little unnerving.

“Are you saying you don’t want me to stay?” He asked quietly. He knew how he felt, but what if he had been fooling himself into thinking she felt the same way?

“I never said that,” she replied fiercely. He watched as she paced back and forth gesturing wildly. “In a perfect world, you’d never leave. You and I would build a life together, buy a house…get a cat!”

“So let’s do that,” he interrupted, grabbing her hands in his and pulling her close. “We can have that! We just have to work together. We work best as a team, Sasha, and you know it.” 

“You could be killed,” she whispered, refusing to look at him now. “If you stay and continue

try to help me, you could be killed. And I would lose you forever.”

“You’re right, I could be,” Tony replied knowing that Sasha appreciated blunt truths and facts. “But if I leave, I will never see you again and that’s not an acceptable alternative. Don’t you see? I’ve fallen in love with you, Sasha. It was the last thing I expected to ever happen, but it did. And the only thing keeping me from saying ‘to hell with it’ and staying right here, is the fear that you don’t feel the same way. But if you do…if you love me back…nothing will keep me from you. So what do you say?”

“You know I love you too,” Sasha said, her voice rough with emotion. “But I don’t know if it’s enough. I don’t know if I can let you put yourself at risk like this for me. I don’t know if I can handle being responsible if you lost your life.”

“And I don’t want to go back without you,” Tony said gruffly. “I’ve been given a second chance. I would be a fool not to take it. Let me help you. Let me try. Please.”

“Where would you live?” She asked, clearly flustered but seriously considering it.

  
“I was hoping I could stay here in the safe house with you,” he said feeling oddly nervous. They had agreed almost immediately after they had arrived at the safe house that Sasha would not be able to go back to the circus. She had spent too much time with Remington and Marissa. Whether she was known to have helped with their escape was irrelevant. The association was enough. They had decided she would stay at the safe house as long as she could with Tony’s Solidarity contacts bringing her supplies.

Eventually when it seemed safe to do so, his people would smuggle her out of the house and find her a new cover and place to live. That plan wouldn’t have to change much with Tony there, save for the fact that he and his contacts could begin working on paperwork that could get them State side in earnest.

But would living together be too much of a step for her?

“Of course,” Sasha said sounding slightly embarrassed for not having thought of that possibility. “I…that is, if you don’t mind being stuck together twenty-four seven.”

“I can think of nothing I want more,” Tony replied honestly. His heart felt light for the first time in years and despite the danger of it, he had never been more hopeful.

“Nobody has ever done anything like this for me,” Sasha murmured. “I’m a little overwhelmed by it. But I would be lying if I told you I don’t want you to stay when every part of me is screaming that I do.”

“Then it’s settled,” Tony said resolutely. “I’ll stay.”

“Are you sure?” She asked, searching his face for any signs of hesitancy or doubt. Tony pulled her close and kissed her deeply in a way that left no room for argument as to what he wanted.

“I love you,” he said to her simply. “I’ve never been more sure. Now let’s go tell the others.”


	58. Chapter 58

Laura woke the following morning to an empty bed and the sound of Remington going through some of his physical exercises at the foot of the bed. She knew that he was anxious about what they were about to do and that he feared himself the weak link in the chain given his injuries.

He wasn’t used to feeling frail or helpless and the announcement that Tony had made the night before had only exacerbated things. He hadn’t said anything but Laura knew that a large part of Remington had been relying on Tony more than he would like to admit.

It had been Tony who had gotten Laura all this way safely, who had come up with their plans, arranged the contacts and helped Remington and Marissa to escape with their lives. To lose him now as they were about to make the trip back had shaken both of them.

He would want to be at his strongest, so it came as no surprise to see him up first thing doing the stretches he had been practising during his recovery.

“Rem?” She said, still groggy from a troubled sleep the night before. He looked over, and gave her a short smile. “Come back to bed.”

“In a moment,” he said, speaking softly despite the fact that they were both awake now. “I want to finish.”

Sitting up, she crawled over to the edge of the bed, slid onto the floor and reached out for him. He stopped what he was doing and allowed her to pull him close into a deep, lingering kiss. His t shirt was slightly damp with sweat from the exercises he had been doing, and his skin was warm to the touch. It was the first time they had really kissed since he’d been back – both of them being too hesitant to do anything that might disrupt his recovery. A kiss between the two of them had never been particularly safe, but ever since they had first made love that night in the Castle – a night that felt like it was years ago now instead of just over a month – Laura knew her ability to resist going where the kiss would inevitably lead was next to impossible.

Indeed, the mere scent of him – sleepy Remington mixed with a slight sheen of sweat gained from the exertion of his exercises caused something to ignite within her. She was powerless to resist as their lips met a second time. Her heart began to race as they touched one another. It was like they were both awakening after a long sleep. Her arousal was almost immediate and the heat between them undeniable. He kissed her deeply with a growing hunger that Laura understood all too well. She felt short of breath as she allowed her hands to wind through his hair while he pressed his body urgently against hers.

She pulled back, needing to see his face and was rewarded with a smile that seemed to be reserved only for her. He reached out and gently brushed a stray hair from her face, tucking it behind her ears with heartbreaking gentleness.

“Laura,” he murmured almost reverently and that one word carried a world of meaning. She could see it so clearly now he communicated with her almost entirely without words. It was in the way he said her name – in a softly accented tone reserved only for her. It was in the way he touched her – with purpose, with gentleness but also sometimes with raw need. It was in the way his dark blue eyes gazed at her now. It was in the way he clearly worried about her possible physical condition despite the injuries and bruises that still caused him immense pain.

And she could see the moment those dark blue eyes glazes over with need. It almost always coincided with a catch of her breath and the meeting of their lips once more. His hands, so gentle and careful before, tightened around her waist, causing her to let out a soft whimper of need.

“The bed,” she managed to whisper through a haze of kisses.

A soft ‘oof’ escaped his lips as he lay her gently back down on the bed, his own body covering hers. It was a slight sound, but a reminder that he hadn’t healed as much as either of them had wanted. She knew that they would need to be slow and careful.

She also knew that she needed him more than she had realized. It was more than simple desire, though the feel of his erection pressed firmly against her through his boxer briefs had definitely caused an urge to build within her that demanded to be satisfied.

No, this feeling, this need ran deeper. It was the need to know fully and truly that he was here with her. That she hadn’t lost him and that whatever lay before them, they would tackle it together as a team.

It was the need to know fully and completely that he was strong enough to undertake what they were about to do.

It was the need to feel like they weren’t about to risk their lives in the attempt to return home. It was the need to feel like they were nothing more than two people who desperately loved each other and were about to get married.

And it was that need that caused Laura to gently push him back, sit up, and remove her nightshirt as he did the same, first with his t-shirt and then with his boxer briefs.

Laura would never get used to that breathless feeling she got whenever she saw him without a shirt on – or lately as their relationship had changed – completely naked. This time however, that breathlessness was due only in part to her attraction to him. The other part was shocked to see the full extent of the injuries that still covered the top half of his body. Despite his progress, bruises still covered his chest in vibrant reds, yellows and purples. The sight of them blurring into one another caused a lump to form in her throat as she fought back tears. The thought of someone hurting him like this was too much for her to bear. She tried to look away, but he must have seen the look on her face change before she could.

He reached out and turned her chin back to face him.

  
“Laura?” he inquired gently. “Should we stop?”

“I should be asking you that question,” she said, her voice thick with emotion. She gestured vaguely at his chest. “Look at you. Look what those animals did to you. I…”

She didn’t get to finish her sentence, as he silenced her with a powerful and almost desperate kiss. She returned the feeling in kind, needing the physical reassurance that only he could give.

“I’m here,” he murmured between frantic kisses. “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

Stifling the sob that threatened itself, she wrapped her arms around his neck and gently pulled her back down on top of her. His skin, still warm and damp mixed with his rapidly increasing heartbeat spurred on by the contact of their bodies told Laura more than words ever could. He was hurt, but he was here and he was safe. It was that heartbeat, sped up no doubt by the feelings generated between them and their naked bodies pressed together that caused Laura to send a silent thank you to the heavens.

He pulled back to gaze at her once more. Both struggled to catch their breath, caught off guard by the depth of their need and the arousal they both felt so sharply and at odds with the limitations of his body.

“I want….” she panted breathlessly, her body having completely overridden any sense of logic. “I want you. Can you…are you able….”

“Wild horses couldn’t stop me,” he breathed, his own eyes bright with desire. Still, he remained slightly hesitant. “It’s just…”

“What?” She asked, wanting to pull him back on top of her, to feel him bury himself so deeply inside her that she forgot where he ended and she began.

“I’m just not sure…” he ran a hand through his hair, clearly embarrassed and trying to find the words he wanted to say. “If you’re…if there is a baby…am I going to hurt it? I mean…if we…I’m afraid I might poke it or something.”

Laura couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped her, and felt bad immediately afterwards when she saw the look on his face.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh,” she apologised. “If there is a baby, you can’t hurt it. It’s quite safe. I promise.”

That was all the encouragement he needed. He resumed his almost torturous exploration of her body using his lips, teeth and tongue. Laura felt the pressure building as he licked and scraped his way down her neck and to her breasts. She heard herself pleading, though what she was actually saying she had no idea. Her mind was jumbled and her body was in completely at his mercy.

The further he kissed his way down her body, the more short of breath she became. She managed a moan as she watched him and bite and kiss every part of her with his tongue and the wetness between her legs grew unbearable as he swirled his tongue over her belly button and made his way down to the juncture between her thighs. Placing his tongue at her centre, he began to lap, slowly at first then increasing the pressure as her moans grew louder.

The whole damn house could likely hear them, but Laura couldn’t bring herself to care. In this moment all she could focus on was how alive he made her feel – how he had always made her feel.

Not just alive, but loved, cherished and worshipped, Even after enduring the worst experience of his life, he remained focused on her pleasure. It was like he knew after seeing the fear on her face that she needed to be reminded of his. He seemed to understand instinctively that she needed more than just sex. She needed him. She needed to know that he was still with her, body mind and soul.

That it would never just be about physical needs between them. And somehow she had always known that. On a level even she didn’t realize existed, she knew that he hadn’t just wanted her body, he had wanted her heart and soul.

And he had it. Complete, unconditional love existed between the two of them and it was the most powerful feeling in the world.

The pressure of his tongue deepened and changed, causing her to grip him by the hair and her legs to clamp tightly against his ears. She was so close and he knew it. Her breathing was ragged and she could barely form words, much less a sentence.

“Close,” she managed to grind out between gasps of pleasure. “Please…”

She had no idea if she was pleading for him to continue what he was doing with his tongue or if she wanted the two of them to come together.

He ended up making the decision for her by pulling back and returning to kiss her mouth, the taste of her still present on his lips.

“I love you,” he whispered gruffly in her ear before slowly easing himself inside her.

He was so incredibly hard that she expected him to start moving right away, but instead he froze and remained as still as a statue.

Laura restlessly moved against him wanting that friction to continue. She whimpered with need and he silenced her with another deep and powerful kiss.

When they parted, his blue eyes were glazed over both with desire and deep emotion.

“I never thought I would be here again. Inside you like this. It’s…I’ve never felt anything like it.”

“I know,” Laura whispered back, running her hands gently along his back and gripping him gently by his buttocks but firmly enough to encourage him to move. “Now, are you going to just lay there, or are you going to make love to me?”

He groaned needing no further encouragement and slowly removed himself from her and thrust back inside with agonising care. Their eyes met and they could see every emotion they were feeling, could feel their bodies moving faster and faster towards the inevitable climax as their breath sped up and sweat glistened between them.

His movements were frantic now, signalling just how close he was. His thrusts had lost the initial gentleness and had become rough and almost painful. Rather than stopping him, she took him further in, pulling desperately at him, wanting to feel every single part of him as he came undone.

“Now, Rem,” she ground out, her legs clenched tightly against his hips as he pushed in and out of her.

Her world exploded in pleasure as she felt him lose control and spill into her. She clenched tightly around him over and over until their hearts began to slow and their bodies and breathing began to turn to normal.

Eventually, he lay his head down and buried his face between her breasts, clutching her desperately as if any moment now she would disappear.

“It’s alright,” she comforted him as she felt his body began to shake with quiet sobs. He’d held onto the pain of his ordeal tightly, not wanting to bother anyone with the nightmares or the fear that still haunted him every waking moment. But here, with her, in the dark he found himself able to let go.

He was able to fall, knowing that she was there – and would always be there to catch him.


	59. Chapter 59

The cars were packed quietly and quickly. Antony had left the night before and returned with the second vehicle. They sat and went over the plan one more time, with Robert Peters being given custody of the map.

Remington wasn’t sure how he felt about Antony’s decision to stay behind. On the one hand, he was grateful to him for making the choice. After all, it had been he that Sasha had initially asked for help in getting to the States. It had become clear to him before his capture that it was not a task he was equipped to handle and thus a promise he was destined to break.

He knew this wasn’t his fault and yet he had felt profoundly guilty despite that fact. He’d come all this way with the intention of helping Marissa find her family. In doing so, he had also found his own. The thought of leaving someone behind who desperately wanted to be reunited with family had not sat well with him.

Remington had spent so many years of his life being helpless and at the mercy of others and their broken promises. It was one of the reasons that the life of a con man had been so appealing to him. Being the one telling the lies had given him a sense of control as well as an exit strategy when situations started to become too domestic. No ties meant nobody to depend on him and nobody to disappoint.

When Antony vowed to stay and help Sasha, something inside him felt immense sense of relief. Sure, he wasn’t the one to help her, but he also wasn’t leaving her behind with nothing.

And yet, it had been Antony who had saved him in the prison. It had been Antony who had made contact with the Solidarity movement – who had orchestrated the plan they were about to implement and had gotten all the supplies.

Robert Peters was competent, there was no doubt about that, but he had also been out of the game for five years. There was a part of Remington that worried about their chances of getting home without him – something which irritated him to his very core.

He hated that they had come to rely so strongly on him. That he had managed to burrow so deeply into both of their lives.

Most of all, he hated the fact that he was genuinely going to miss the rat bastard.

“Is that everything?” Laura asked, her gentle voice breaking into his thoughts. He had been moving slowly that morning, partly out of a reluctance to leave and partly due to the injuries he had sustained – exacerbated by that morning’s impromptu love making.

He hadn’t realized just how desperately he had needed to be with her that morning. Even afterwards the memory stayed with him as a living reminder of all that he had to lose and everything he had already gained.

Being with her in that way had been like coming home. After everything he had been through, she had been there – willing, alive and oh-so-responsive. It was like their bodies could say with one touch everything they had struggled to verbalize over the course of their five years together. What might their relationship have been like if they had both simply let their bodies do the talking from the beginning?

Though it was an intriguing thought, Remington knew in his heart he wouldn’t change the journey for anything in the world.

“I think so,” he replied, giving her hand a soft squeeze. Robert and Marissa had also finished loading their car and were standing in front of it awaiting Laura and Steele.

Laura and Remington would be riding the first leg of the trip in the same car. They would be stopping a few miles before the first check point and switching – Remington in Robert’s car, and Marissa in Laura’s. It had been agreed upon that for any check points they encountered or heavily populated areas, one person in the car had to be able to speak the language.

“Are we ready then?” Marissa asked. Remington knew he was asking about more than just the first leg of the trip.

Antony and Sasha appeared from behind, hand in hand as well. Suddenly it hit Remington that he didn’t want to say goodbye to either of them. Looking at Laura out of the corner of his eye, he could tell she felt the same way. They had shared so much together. And now it was over, and there was no guarantee that Antony would succeed in what he was about to do and every chance he could be killed.

“I, uh…” Antony ran a hand through his hair as if embarrassed by what he was trying to say. “I’m going to miss you…all of you. But especially you two.” He nodded to Laura and Remington. “You’re the closest I’ve ever had to friends and I’m sorry I can’t make the trip back with you.”

“Tony…” Laura said, shaking her head and trying to keep the tears that threatened at bay. For once in his life, the sight of Laura crying over another man did not bother Remington in the slightest. In truth, there was a part of him that threatened to join her though he would never ever let Antony or anyone else know it. She opened her mouth to speak, but instead stepped forward and embraced him in a giant hug.

Antony seemed surprised at first, but returned the hug with equal force. They had spent the bulk of this journey together and he knew it would be difficult for both of them to part.

Eventually, she stepped back and wiped the tears from her eyes. Antony did the same and laughed in an effort to lighten the mood.

“I knew I would grow on you,” he said with a grin.

“You be careful,” Laura said, her face going from sad to serious in the space of an instant. “Staying behind is dangerous. Promise me you won’t take any unnecessary risks.”

“Don’t worry,” Sasha said giving Antony’s hand a squeeze that was a little rougher than he expected given the wince on his face. “I plan to make sure Tony does not put himself in any situation that could get him killed on my behalf.”

“I imagine you will,” Remington said, for the first time seeing just how much Sasha had come to care about Antony. He’d been thinking of the other man’s decision as one made to protect Sasha. Now, it was clear to him that they would be protecting each other and that made a world of difference. “I’ll miss you, Sasha. Take care of each other.” 

“Bet on it,” Sasha said as she too, stepped forward and hugged Remington tightly.

“Alright, enough, Steele,” Tony teased gently as the two of them stepped back. “Rein it in.”

“Antony, Antony, Antony,” Remington Steele said, trying to think of something to say to the man in front of him. No matter what he thought of in his head, it didn’t nearly seem good enough.

“Please,” Antony said, his tone entirely serious. “Call me Tony. My friends call me Tony.”

“Of course,” Remington said, his voice suddenly hoarse. He thrust a hand out towards the other man. “Tony. Thank you.”

Tony shook his hand and their eyes met, the two men seeing one another fully and completely for the first time. They were, in many ways, two sides of the same coin. Given the right set of circumstances and Steele could have easily ended up in Tony’s position. They had both been broken by life and had found a way of putting themselves back together that involved the help of a woman who understood them in a way nobody else could. Perhaps that was why Laura had been so drawn to Tony at the beginning. Perhaps she saw the same kind of damage in him that she had in Remington.

“For what, Steele?” Tony asked. Remington found himself raising an eyebrow in surprise. Surely the other man knew everything he had done for them?

“Thank you,” Remington said, finally finding the words he wanted to say as he glanced at Laura, Marissa and Robert out of the corner of his eye. “For my family.”

“Yes, thank you,” Marissa said speaking up for the first time.

“Don’t thank me yet,” Tony said shoving his hands in his pockets. “Get home first. Be safe. When we make it to the States, we’ll pop by the agency to say hi. You got that Steele?”

“Call me Remington,” Remington replied putting an arm around Laura. The two exchanged a look that said it was time. “And I look forward to it.”

Laura opened the door to the car as Tony and Sasha nodded and turned to go back inside the house.

“Good luck!” He called out as all four of them got into the cars.

“Same to you, mate,” Remington said to himself more than anyone else. “Same to you.”


	60. Chapter 60

The first leg of the trip was uneventful despite the relative danger associated with it. Remington drove in silence, content to glance at Laura out of the corner of his eye every few moments. There was so much he wanted to say to her…so much he wanted to tell her. As usual, the inability to put his feelings into adequate words was what kept him quiet.

They hadn’t spoken of the marriage proposal since he’d made it and while he doubted she’d changed her mind, part of him feared that she might be having second thoughts. After all, the last place he had ever expected to propose to her was in a safe room in Moscow after having escaped a KGB prison.

It was somewhat ironic. This entire thing had happened partly because he hadn’t trusted that Laura would believe his intentions to be pure if he had asked her to marry him with immigration breathing down their necks. Instead, he’d managed to propose with even more at stake should she say no. And yet somehow – miraculously – she’d said yes.

He knew that dwelling on past mistakes was pointless, but he couldn’t help but wonder if he had just proposed to her after Keyes had threatened him with deportation if all this pain and heartache could have been avoided.

They might have married in a proper church, with Laura wearing a stunning white dress and Mildred, Francis and Abigail fighting over who would be matron of honour. Daniel might have been his best man. Perhaps he and Daniel would have had the heart to heart he had always wanted, giving him the answers he had craved in person rather than posthumously.

All of these things would never come to be – at least not the way he’d envisioned it happening. They could still have the white wedding if that is what Laura wanted. They could even invite Gladys Lynch in order to help their immigration case. But Daniel would never be there, and Remington was surprised by just how sad he was to realize that. His father would never see him marry the woman he loved.

“You seem a million miles away,” Laura commented reaching out and taking his hand. “Are you alright?”

“I honestly don’t know,” Remington replied with a shake of his head. “Just…thinking about a lot of things.”

“Care to share?” Laura asked gently. At any other point in their relationship, Remington might have given her a glib response or made a lighthearted joke in order to deflect the conversation. But as he glanced over at her, he saw the love and concern in her eyes and knew that he no longer had to do that. His heart was safe with her in a way it had never been with anyone else. That alone was enough to empower him to speak – to find the words that had eluded him for so long with anyone else.

“I was just thinking about how much I want to marry you,” he told her, slowly and with a heaviness that he felt to his core. “But I was also thinking about how different it will be without Daniel. Without my…my father there.”

Laura’s face changed from curiosity and concerned to a deep an empathetic sadness. She lifted his hand and kissed the palm of it softly.

“I am so sorry,” she murmured against his palm. “I didn’t even think of what it would mean to have to get married without him.”

“To be honest, neither did I,” Remington admitted. “We’ve been so caught up in everything that I haven’t really had time to devote the proper attention to mourning him. Maybe that’s partly why I left….to avoid it. Like everything else in my life, when things get tough I leave.”

Laura could hear the self recrimination and bitterness in his voice. Once upon a time she might have accused him of doing just that – of leaving the moment things became difficult for him. But she understood him now in a way she never had before. She knew that he had gone through things no child should ever have to go through and that leaving a situation had been the only coping mechanism he had ever known.

She’d always thought of leaving as a weakness – a flaw of character. But now, she saw things very differently. His ability to run from the last foster family he had stayed with had been an incredible act of courage. And while he didn’t realize it now, hopefully he would be able to pass that same courage on to their child.

For she was fairly certain their was one. Despite the absence of a pregnancy test or any other concrete proof, Laura felt almost positive that she was in fact, pregnant. And while the idea was still terrifying to her, it was no longer frightening in the same way.

“One day,” she found herself saying to him, “you’re going to realize just how strong you really are. And I’m going to be with you every step of the way. For better or for worse, right?”

He gave her a quick glance and quirked his eyebrow upwards.

“You’re not having second thoughts then?” He asked her, “truly?”

“Why would I be?” She responded, surprised by the question.

“I don’t know,” he admitted with a slow shake of his head. “I suppose I was just thinking of the reasons I was too afraid to ask you in the first place and what might have been if I’d only had the nerve.”

“You mean Norman Keyes and immigration?” Laura clarified. When he nodded she let out a slow breath. She could understand his fear at the time now more than she ever had before. She’d always thought it was Remington who had held back from her and that if he could only prove he cared for her, then she could allow herself to love him back. But it wasn’t that simple and she knew now that nothing truly was. Remington had held back, yes, but so had she. And it was her own inability to trust that had made him feel time and again that the attempts he did make to show her how much he cared weren’t good enough.

She knew now that she should have seen just how much he loved her when he had left to find his real name. To seek out those answers after everything he had gone through had been all the proof she needed. But, like him, she was too blinded by her own past hurts to see it.

But what good would it do either of them to continue to dwell on it? How could they ever begin to move forward with all these ‘what ifs’?

“You’re not the only one whose made mistakes,” she reminded him. “And we can’t know what would have happened if you’d asked then. Not for certain. We were both scared. I think…I think we needed to go through this.”

“We needed to run off to Moscow and join the circus?” He said, his tone bemused.

“Well maybe not this specifically,” she clarified with a laugh. “But we needed to see what we were about to lose before we weren’t able to get it back. And as for marrying you, I can only think of one other thing that I want more than that.”

“Oh?” He looked at her curiously, but without fear. The Laura Holt he knew had never seen marriage as her ultimate goal so idea of it not being top of her list did not surprise him. And in truth, he would be happy to give her whatever else she desired provided it was within his power to give. “What is it you want?”

“I think…I think I want…this,” she placed a hand on her still-flat stomach, but the implication of her action said all it needed to. “A baby. A family. If not now…If I’m not pregnant, then I want to try. I want this with you.”

“I do too,” he said, his own voice hoarse with emotion. From the moment he’d found out that Laura might be pregnant, the idea of it had given him nothing but joy. Not only because it bound them together permanently in a way that could never be undone, but because it meant having the family he’d always secretly dreamed of in his darkest nights with the woman he loved more than life itself. It was more than he could ever begin to hope for and he’d wanted it with every fibre of his being.

But he knew Laura wasn’t certain that she did and even though he knew they would be married and raise their potential child together, it was always in the back of his head that she didn’t choose this. That if she was pregnant, it was because they had made a mistake. He didn’t want to constantly ask himself whether they would have started a family if they hadn’t already accidentally done so.

And yet, here she was, telling him exactly that. That she wanted a family with him. He wanted to stop the car and kiss her until neither of them could speak. Instead, he allowed a grin to spread across his face and allowed himself to feel the joy he had been putting off at the prospect. Laura might be pregnant right now, but she might not be. Either way, they would have a child together. If not now, then someday in the near future. It was all he needed.

“I want that more than anything,” he confessed to her. He saw her smile tentatively as well and for a moment they drove in quietly, taking the new information in. After a moment or so, he spoke again.

“Something is still bothering you, isn’t it?”

“It’s just…” she trailed off and looked out the window for a moment as she gathered her thoughts. “I want this, but…I’m afraid.”

“Of what?” He asked softly, full prepared to reassure her if need be that he wasn’t about to change his mind.

“I’m afraid to hope…to want this,” she confessed with a shake of her head. She looked down at her feat, unable to look at him. “I’m afraid if I want this too much, I’ll lose it – that it will all slip away.”

Remington nodded, understanding the feeling all too well. Most his life had been spent being afraid to hope. Afraid to ask for too much, to admit that he deserved more. He’d been conditioned to believe that he needed to be grateful for the little he did get and that if he wanted more he had to take it….had to make it happen.

But now, looking at Laura’s exquisitely beautiful face, he knew that he was done being afraid. He was done thinking that he didn’t deserve to be happy or that things would always go wrong because that’s all life ever threw at him. Sure, his life had been difficult, but it had also been miraculous. It had given him Laura, and with that gift, a future.

“I mean, we don’t even know if we’re going to make it home in once piece,” Laura continued, allowing her fears to run away with her. “What if we’re caught? What if I’m not actually pregnant? What if I can’t get pregnant? What if…”

“What if the Earth opens up and swallows us whole?” He interrupted. She shot him a glare, clearly assuming that he was making light of her fears. “I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just…I’ve spent so much of my life afraid to look forward. For once, I just want to think…of the possibilities.”

He watched her face soften at the vague reference to the story he’d told Laura after her house had been blown up. In the blink of an eye, she had lost everything and though he hadn’t anything to give her beyond a place to stay and a couch to sleep on, that had been the first time he’d given her something real – a piece of his past to hold onto. Words to comfort her in her darkest times. It had the same affect now as she smiled hesitantly at him.

“We don’t know what’s coming,” he acknowledged. “But I choose to think we’re going to get home. And I understand that it might be hard for you to do the same, so for now…let me hope for the both of us. Put your trust in me, Laura. I won’t let you down.”

“I know,” she replied, surprised at just how deeply she believed in him. She touched her stomach gently one more time as she made her next decision. “Will you help me think of a name? For the baby…if there is one, I mean?”

“I…” Remington looked away as love threatened to overwhelm him. A name. A name for their child. The one thing he’d never had and always wanted, and Laura was asking him to be the one to give it. It was more than he ever could have hoped for. More than he ever deserved and yet, she offered without question or reservation. His child would grow up with all the things he’d never had – love, security, a place in the world. And most importantly, a name to call their own.

“Yes,” he said, his voice rough with emotion. “With all my heart…yes.”

“Then, we’ll take the rest as it comes,” Laura said as she took him by the hand. “Starting with getting us home.”

THE END 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read and commented on this story. It was long, and weird and featured more of Tony than I know a lot of people would have liked so I am really appreciative of those who stuck with it. I AM working on a sequel, but it might be some time before I start posting it as I don't like to post anything until it's finished.


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